I was wondering why you never seemed to respond to people suggesting therapy. Sorry to hear about the bad experience.
I guess my question for you is where do you go from here? Is the goal to read as many books about being a better partner and pray your H comes back?
My goal is to understand what caused me to pull away from my H last fall ---- I've come to a good understanding of that dynamic and I've realized despite how bad I was feeling inside and trying to get my H to understand it was always my job to take care of me (ie... get off my arse and get busy).
I fell into micromanaging EVERYTHING - that's exhausting... throw in a new puppy and I was overwhelmed and sleep deprived AND had fallen into a poor self image/esteem due to weight issues. HOLY COW. I thought I was being helpful... I was the good wife because I was doing it all but resentful that I wasn't being appreciated for it???
I'm understanding my H's anger was from pain... his W had pulled away from him leaving him feeling rejected. I'm understanding that control comes from fear -- what was I fearing??? That no one would do it as good as me??? or like me??? That's dumb - my kids and my H were very capable. Did they fold the laundry like me? Did S18 keep his closet as i would? No and No... but no one died!!! And look at what I gave up my making it my way.... really look what I gave up... time and intimacy with my H.
Understanding what my controlling behavior said to my H ---- I don't respect you.... UGH??? REALLY??? I just had everyone's best interest at heart... if I do this and you don't have too I'm doing something wonderful for you... CRAP.
While I may not be doing IC I am looking at ways to give up this "control" because up until my H was in a PA I totally respected and admired this man. What would a wife do that would show she did respect her H? or even the other people in her life.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if I did all of this and it caused an awakening in my H???
But, I accept that when he stated in Feb it was all too little too late that that sentiment hasn't changed. All I can do is keeping moving forward and learn how to handle (with help from here) any contact or moves he makes in my direction if there are any.
Positive response It’s good you realize you were micromanaging and displayed controlling behavior. It’s good you realize you need to make yourself happy.
The not positive response and I mean this in the kindest way possible.
You’re still doing the exact same behaviors. Nothing’s changed. You still trying to control him with kindness and temptations. You still refuse to take the advice from anyone on here. You still think this is all about your H and getting him back. It’s not. It just isn’t. It’s about making you the best version yourself. And until you do it for you, these behaviors won’t be real. They won’t be sustained and your marriage would just crumble again over time. You need to learn to be happy with you. Be happy by yourself. Have confidence and real self esteem that’s not tied to someone else. Would it be wonderful if he had an awakening? Yeah sure, but it’d be even sweeter if you did. There’s a reason LBS divorce bust the right way, the true way and their spouses want to come back and the LBS doesn’t take them.
The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result. I’m not saying your crazy. Far from it. You’re obviously heart broken and stuck. And we all feel for you. We can feel your pain in your words. But you’re in a rear wheel drive car stuck in mud pit and you can’t stop smashing the accelerator.
Last edited by JosephS; 06/27/2005:46 PM.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Positive response It’s good you realize you were micromanaging and displayed controlling behavior. It’s good you realize you need to make yourself happy.
The not positive response and I mean this in the kindest way possible.
You’re still doing the exact same behaviors. Nothing’s changed. You still trying to control him with kindness and temptations. You still refuse to take the advice from anyone on here. You still think this is all about your H and getting him back. It’s not. It just isn’t. It’s about making you the best version yourself. And until you do it for you, these behaviors won’t be real. They won’t be sustained and your marriage would just crumble again over time. You need to learn to be happy with you. Be happy by yourself. Have confidence and real self esteem that’s not tied to someone else. Would it be wonderful if he had an awakening? Yeah sure, but it’d be even sweeter if you did. There’s a reason LBS divorce bust the right way, the true way and their spouses want to come back and the LBS doesn’t take them.
The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result. I’m not saying your crazy. Far from it. You’re obviously heart broken and stuck. And we all feel for you. We can feel your pain in your words. But you’re in a rear wheel drive car stuck in mud pit and you can’t stop smashing the accelerator.
Sorry if that was your take away from my post.
I realized 4 months ago that my issues with my self esteem were MY ISSUES to work through - I've made huge progress.
I'm not just sitting an pining here for my H. Yes, I've struggled with the demise of my M and seeing the role that I played. I've struggled alot seeing where some of my issues caused a great deal of pain with my H and he was suffering for some time before BD while I'm suffering the aftermath. If I just stuff it down and don't really work through it I will never be able to come out the other side. I've looked at what triggers my breaking NC and in hindsight wished I would not have done so... but all I can do is move forward.
I just spent the last 3hr with an issues from H3LL. I managed to forget having left my sunroof open and it down poured for 3 hours. YES, parts of my vehicle had 4" of standing water in it. It would not start. I started texting my guy friends and friend who's H is a mechanic looking for how to get this car with a wet ignition to start. In its current location with on going rain it wasn't going to dry out there.
Who is the biggest car guru I know??? Who didn't I call/text??? My H.
I did manage to get the car to start and its currently being dried out which could be a several day process... there's about 1 1/2" of water in the roof still pouring into the vehicle... (((At least I didn't cry...)))
I realize that I've not been moving on very fast -- but I disagree that I'm stuck. If it bothers you that I say wouldn't it be nice IF but I realize its mostly a too little to late issue - that's on you. I can still move forward, have a life and have hope.
Positive response It’s good you realize you were micromanaging and displayed controlling behavior. It’s good you realize you need to make yourself happy.
The not positive response and I mean this in the kindest way possible.
You’re still doing the exact same behaviors. Nothing’s changed. You still trying to control him with kindness and temptations. You still refuse to take the advice from anyone on here. You still think this is all about your H and getting him back. It’s not. It just isn’t. It’s about making you the best version yourself. And until you do it for you, these behaviors won’t be real. They won’t be sustained and your marriage would just crumble again over time. You need to learn to be happy with you. Be happy by yourself. Have confidence and real self esteem that’s not tied to someone else. Would it be wonderful if he had an awakening? Yeah sure, but it’d be even sweeter if you did. There’s a reason LBS divorce bust the right way, the true way and their spouses want to come back and the LBS doesn’t take them.
The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result. I’m not saying your crazy. Far from it. You’re obviously heart broken and stuck. And we all feel for you. We can feel your pain in your words. But you’re in a rear wheel drive car stuck in mud pit and you can’t stop smashing the accelerator.
Sorry if that was your take away from my post.
I realized 4 months ago that my issues with my self esteem were MY ISSUES to work through - I've made huge progress.
I'm not just sitting an pining here for my H. Yes, I've struggled with the demise of my M and seeing the role that I played. I've struggled alot seeing where some of my issues caused a great deal of pain with my H and he was suffering for some time before BD while I'm suffering the aftermath. If I just stuff it down and don't really work through it I will never be able to come out the other side. I've looked at what triggers my breaking NC and in hindsight wished I would not have done so... but all I can do is move forward.
I just spent the last 3hr with an issues from H3LL. I managed to forget having left my sunroof open and it down poured for 3 hours. YES, parts of my vehicle had 4" of standing water in it. It would not start. I started texting my guy friends and friend who's H is a mechanic looking for how to get this car with a wet ignition to start. In its current location with on going rain it wasn't going to dry out there.
Who is the biggest car guru I know??? Who didn't I call/text??? My H.
I did manage to get the car to start and its currently being dried out which could be a several day process... there's about 1 1/2" of water in the roof still pouring into the vehicle... (((At least I didn't cry...)))
I realize that I've not been moving on very fast -- but I disagree that I'm stuck. If it bothers you that I say wouldn't it be nice IF but I realize its mostly a too little to late issue - that's on you. I can still move forward, have a life and have hope.
I apologize that I’ve offended you. That was not my intent. I’ll stop posting in your sitch. I certainly didn’t want you to get this worked up. I’m was just trying to point out what so many others have as well. Seriously good luck and I hope everything works out great for you.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
We are all rooting for you in your sitch. Why else would complete strangers invest their time in trying to help you see a different perspective? I don't think Joseph is that far off about you being stuck. If it isn't the case and you get upset about it, maybe ask yourself why it bothers you. Your threads consistently are about your H. I brought up fear a couple of days ago and not surprisingly you disagree. I brought up boundaries and you glossed over those posts. There have been other posters provide amazing advice to you and suggest IC, many time you disagree.
Your H complained that you don't listen this week when you brought up relationship talk. Ummm.....I'd venture to say you demonstrate that trait pretty consistently or dismiss what people suggest. We don't always know what works, but we have a good idea what doesn't work. We all have choices. You get to choose to continue the rinse and repeat cycle or you will decide when what you are doing is not working. At some point you will choose the latter.
At the very least, I hope the silent people following your threads are finding the advice to be helpful to them.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I did not have anything against counseling previously but when I say something really bad happened the last time... please respect my space and understand it was extremely traumatic... ((mal-practice))
I've had some horrendous experiences at restaurants..... But I didn't give up on eating out.
People have been victims of malpractice in healthcare, but still recognize the need to see doctors.
There are bad people in every profession. A bad experience in counseling, even a traumatic experience, is an argument for the need for more therapy, not writing it off altogether.
KC, I have some relatives like you. They can rationalize away anything they don't like. I've pointed this out to you before. It is a huge 180 opportunity.
Again, I'm just a stranger on a message board so take my advice and feedback for what it's worth, which isn't much. It and $1 can buy you a can of soda. But I write here what I do for all readers, not only for the OP. I'd hate for people that need IC to say, "KC had a traumatic experience in IC, I'm not going to go to IC!" I'm sure it was a very difficult experience. I wouldn't wish whatever happened to you on anybody. But there are very good therapists out there that help countless people.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
KC You seem like a sweetheart of a woman. I really like you from what you post. If we knew each other in real life I’d go have a margarita (or 2) with you any day and I know we’d have a great time.
The hardest thing I had to do was look in the mirror and accept my faults. My place in what happened in my marriage. It would be easy for me to say she’s a complete trash can of a human being and I didn’t deserve this etc. However, I worked to much. I was absent mentally and emotionally. (This caused me to miss the abuse of my children), and I was utterly obsessed with my STBXW. It wasn’t healthy at all. I had to listen to my children tell me they weren’t sure I’d believe them if they told me what they dealt with. And looking in the mirror, and being 100% honest with myself. They were completely justified in their fears. And that’s a hard truth.
My first IC was insistent I work on the marriage. Have her back and basically wait like a puppy at the door for her to come home. He even suggested my kids were lying about their mom because they were mad at her. This therapist was unhealthy as heck for me. And I was turned off to it. But I gave it another shot, found the therapist of my dreams and have made more progress talking to her in a few weeks than I did for a few months. Food for thought.
We all become invested in these sitchs we post in. I don’t say what I say out of malice. I say what I say because between thread 1 and 17 there isn’t to much progress. If any at all.
You do tend to blow people off who say things you don’t like or agree with. I get it. I truly do. It’s hard when we feel criticized or we feel like people don’t truly understand how we feel. They aren’t us right? Every person and every sitch is different. But that doesn’t mean the road to being happy is that much different.
We divorce bust for a few reasons. #1 because if our marriages don’t work out, than we’ll be ok anyway. We’ll be happy and content with ourselves. We’ll find our self worth. We’ll find our true value as a human, spouse and parent. With or without our current spouses. #2. You ever been somewhere public a seen a man that just had charisma? Was obviously incredibly confident and the life of the party? I guarantee you noticed him. That’s what DBing helping us all become. And the consequence of us becoming that is our spouses will notice us too. #3 when you find your true value as a person you’ll have a decision to make about your spouse. And even if you don’t your next relationship will be so much better.
You’re 51, obviously intelligent, look 35 and can handle yourself financially without help. To me you sound like quite a catch! And as a stranger, if I notice this, why wouldn’t your H? It’s his loss. You take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. And love yourself. You deserve better than to be pining for a man who has cheated, left and is now living with another woman. You really truly do.
We all have your back here. We all have your best interest at heart. We are all trying to help. And I get it, sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. A perfect example for me is Ginger. She posted in my thread, honestly straight pi$$ed me off and didn’t wanna hear it. But ya know what? She has been spot on in every way. And now that I’m in a better place emotionally and mentally ill never truly be able to tell her how much I appreciate her.
KC, find your worth. Stop worrying about your H and what he’s doing and what you can do to get him back. Get the best version of you back first and everything else will fall into place the way it’s suppose too. Even if that means you are divorced and single. It’s not the worst thing in the world.
And hey if you are ever in Pennsylvania lmk, I owe you a margarita (or 2). Lol. Seriously take care of yourself.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
