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Well since you’re looking into the root of the problem. I am probably going to get yelled at by Thornton and I’m stating that I am NOT a trained psychologist but IMO your have some narcissistic traits.

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KitCat Offline OP
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Oh... and I deeply regret breaking NC. I've made too mistakes in that department... SOOOO deeply regret that.

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Originally Posted by LH19
Well since you’re looking into the root of the problem. I am probably going to get yelled at by Thornton and I’m stating that I am NOT a trained psychologist but IMO your have some narcissistic traits.


Please understand that -

Fear 1 - afraid that H will move on (isn't every LBS afraid of that/?) Control the money... control my H... probably came out WRONG... it was the most concise thing to say. If I have the money... does he run off and rashly buy a house?... if I have the money... can I slow things down?

DB is about slowing things down and giving it time... BUT ultimately every LBS who is trying to slow down D to give the sitch more time is in a way controlling their S

I realize 100% there is nothing I can do to control my H --- I was more or less taking the blunt approach of breaking down why I controlled something and figuring out the fear behind it based on a book by L Doyle.

But sure... we all have narcissistic traits to a degree.

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Originally Posted by KitCat
DB is about slowing things down and giving it time... BUT ultimately every LBS who is trying to slow down D to give the sitch more time is in a way controlling their S .

Actually not even close.

DB is about taking the focus off the spouse and putting all the focus on yourself and your children. It's about getting out and reconnecting with old friends, restarting old hobbies or getting new ones. It's about working on yourself and making changes you want to make for you to become a better version of yourself. Its about giving them time and space to let them deal with their own issues. It's about creating a compelling vision on how you want to spread the rest of your life. If that attracts them back then great, its a decision you will have to make at that point. If it doesn't then that's ok too.

All your posts are 100% about getting your husband back. I know you have a son but the only thing I know about him is that he has a graduation party that you begging your H to go to it and your H pays his car. You are working out and lost 23 pounds for showing off in front of your H. You do your knitting and knitted him a sweater. Its all 100% focused on getting your husband back.

You are on a DB forum and you get advice from Steve85, AS, Thornton, Ginger, Job all who have seen 100s if not 1,000s of sitches and they all give you the same advice. Leave him alone. Move forward. Detach. Yet you end up going against the advice and do what you feel is right. That is very narcissistic.

Last edited by LH19; 06/26/20 01:20 PM.
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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by KitCat
DB is about slowing things down and giving it time... BUT ultimately every LBS who is trying to slow down D to give the sitch more time is in a way controlling their S .

Actually not even close.

DB is about taking the focus off the spouse and putting all the focus on yourself and your children. It's about getting out and reconnecting with old friends, restarting old hobbies or getting new ones. It's about working on yourself and making changes you want to make for you to become a better version of yourself. Its about giving them time and space to let them deal with their own issues. It's about creating a compelling vision on how you want to spread the rest of your life. If that attracts them back then great, its a decision you will have to make at that point. If it doesn't then that's ok too.

All your posts are 100% about getting your husband back. I know you have a son but the only thing I know about him is that he has a graduation party that you begging your H to go to it and your H pays his car. You are working out and lost 23 pounds for showing off in front of your H. You do your knitting and knitted him a sweater. Its all 100% focused on getting your husband back.

You are on a DB forum and you get advice from Steve85, AS, Thornton, Ginger, Job all who have seen 100s if not 1,000s of sitches and they all give you the same advice. Leave him alone. Move forward. Detach. Yet you end up going against the advice and do what you feel is right. That is very narcissistic.


POINT TAKEN

Thank you for the truth bombs.

As for S18 he is a teenager and is also very selfish as he should be at this age and completely normal. His friends are the the most important thing in his life right now. He needs to find out who he is. I've done a great job of raising him and part of doing that is letting go when needed. Yes, I'm connected to him but I'm also letting him establish self government - setting his own schedule but also holding him accountable for house hold chores and like every teen I get those eye rolls from time to time. Now if it weren't for COVID we would have gone to dinner or a movie occasionally but still not possible. He does come seek me out and vice versa to discuss work and recent obligations.

What I do NOT want is my son to go to college and worry about his mom being alone at home. THAT is not cool. I don't want him feeling I have nothing to do because I was doing everything with him prior to him leaving. He needs to forge his way in the world knowing that I am here but I am not his responsibility. I'm sorry if it comes across that I'm neglecting him - he would tell you I'm not.

H just opened up his soul this morning in the longest text he has ever written me in 10yr---- It was his truth of the relationship. He ended it with asking "if this makes sense"

It made perfect sense.

My goal this weekend is to disconnect from everything for 48hr. No computer, No phone - which sadly can't be 100% since I need to be able to stay in contact with S18 but I will not be on FB, etc.

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Consider yourself lucky because it sounds like you got closure. Most of us didn't and never will.

I agree that you need a break to just breathe.

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BTW if you do respond and I am sure you will. Make sure it is not defensive and nothing but validation.

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Originally Posted by LH19
BTW if you do respond and I am sure you will. Make sure it is not defensive and nothing but validation.



Yeah... I'm terrible at being defensive... It was my go to horsemen. Coming up with a response that is about him and how he feels and NOT explaining my narrative would be a challenge for me.

All I said was "it makes perfect sense"

I am not expecting NOR wanting a response. At least not any time soon.

I 100% know this is NOT my H wanting to fix our problems. This is about him rationalizing his decision to end it. He is very much involved with OW and in love with her, not me. ((though he continues to never say a word about her and I've come to accept that is his way of trying to not hurt me anymore than he already has)).

This is my cue to really let go of the rope and NC.

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KC,
Truth be told right now you are coming off as nothing but the ex that can’t and won’t move on. It’s not attractive and being obsessed and a door mat won’t win anyone back.

There is no reason to talk to him at all. You have a lawyer, use it. He knows about the graduation party and doesn’t want to go. If he shows up it’ll be awkward and uncomfortable because he will have been guilted into going. What i really think you fail to realize is when it comes to your marriage and your sitch your feelings just don’t matter anymore to your H.

DB isn’t manipulation at all. It’s about getting yourself back. Making yourself happy and being able to live and thrive in your new reality. When that happens, you become confident, happy and attractive naturally without it being forced. That’s what catches your spouses eye. That’s what makes them stand up and pay attention.

I wish you luck but you’ve been reading self help books and thinking you can do this on your own when in all reality it doesn’t seem to be helping at all. I pray you get some IC.

Good luck with everything KC.


Me: 40
EX:37
Together 17 years
Married 16 years
5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11

BD 03/06/20, divorced 12/23/21
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Originally Posted by KitCat
Yeah... I'm terrible at being defensive... It was my go to horsemen. Coming up with a response that is about him and how he feels and NOT explaining my narrative would be a challenge for me. .

KK I am really not trying to hurt you but this is a narcissistic trait. Something to think about.
Originally Posted by KitCat
All I said was "it makes perfect sense" .

I would have said "I am sorry that you felt that way that was not my intention."
Originally Posted by KitCat
I am not expecting NOR wanting a response. .

This is where you get funny. You say this but..........
Originally Posted by KitCat
At least not any time soon..

Then the truth
Originally Posted by KitCat
I 100% know this is NOT my H wanting to fix our problems. .

I agree but the questions is can you not act on it.
Originally Posted by KitCat
This is about him rationalizing his decision to end it. .

Maybe. I can't comment because I don't know what he said.
Originally Posted by KitCat
He is very much involved with OW and in love with her, not me..

This is where you get funny. You say this but..........
Originally Posted by KitCat
((though he continues to never say a word about her and I've come to accept that is his way of trying to not hurt me anymore than he already has))..

Your rationalization to hang onto the rope
Originally Posted by KitCat
This is my cue to really let go of the rope and NC.

If I was a betting man and I am I would lay good money you have a few more schemes cooked up.

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