Core, good job at listening and validating even when she's being a b****. It all sounds pretty miserable, if you have to pursue D to save yourself then do what you need to do. I don't see her changing as long as the limbo continues.
But I do agree with IW regarding detachment, D doesn't necessarily lead to detachment. My brother has been D'd for over 10 years and still isn't detached. I mean he doesn't pine away for his XW, but he is still convinced that she is responsible for his financial woes, his lack of interest in dating, etc. And that too is a form of attachment.
Journaling: Im back on the thoughts of W having BPD, the latest: W: be careful while pouring milk W: stop when the milks high D4: *spills* oops, sorry mommy W: why didn't you listen to me, thats not nice D4: i got distracted W: you shouldnt ignore mommy, now theres a mess D4: i didnt ignore mommy, i was distracted W: you didnt listen D4: sorry mommy
Core, how does disciplining a child who isn't paying attention BPD?
Your daughter was told to be careful and then wasn't careful. I applaud your wife for this interaction, she did what a good parent does.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Like OverTheRainbow, I don't see the Mother-Daughter interaction as terrible. If D4 got distracted, she wasn't careful, which means she either didn't listen to or ignored mom's instructions.
Originally Posted by Core
I know validating isnt agreeing but I am not going to validate something thats invalid.
Validating is acknowledging their feelings--e.g., sad, angry, frustrated, etc. A feeling isn't wrong or invalid. Facts may be. Actions may be. Responding defensively won't help your relationship--romantic or coparenting.
Originally Posted by Core
W: it feels like your blaming me Core: im sorry you feel that way, work is important and Im not going to push the limits on my time. Ill take them out after work.
She FEELS LIKE you're blaming her. This is a great time for an intervention! You: Oh no! What do you feel like I'm blaming you for? Her: Obviously, for D4 missing out on daddy time during lunch. You: I think D4 will be almost as happy to have daddy time while you get your medicine. Her: But you two will miss Spongebob. The Spongebob finale! You: Your medicine's important. I suspect D4 would be just as happy this one time.. if we recorded Spongebob and then set aside a special time to watch it tonight.. with popcorn!
Originally Posted by Core
W: youre blaming me and making me angry. I tired of being angry at you so often. This continued on till I told her I had to work.
She's ANGRY and says you're actually blaming her. This is a great time for an intervention! You: Wow. I can see you're angry. Her: Yes. Again. You: I'm sorry I wasn't listening a minute ago. It sounds like you feel like I'm blaming you. Is that right? Her: Yes! I feel like you're blaming me. You: What do you feel like I'm blaming you for?
AS, glad to see you back on the board. Hope all has been well.
AS and IW, thank you for the feedback. I hope W doesnt see this and murder me in my sleep (slightly joking). Where im confused on detachment...I would be ok for myself at this point (not the kids) if W was out of the picture and living her own life. Preferably with happiness. If anybody, close to me or not says something hurtful, I will be hurt on some level. W saying hurtful things, hurts. Is it actually possible to completely turn that off?
Ovr, telling my D she isnt nice because she spilled while trying to pour a gallon of milk is what scares me. She could hear my W, she didnt ignore her. She didnt try to spill, it was an accident. Heres how i handled it with water, I forget exact words.
D4: can i pour the water? Core: sure, when the cup is almost full, lift up the jug so it stops pouring, its heavy. D4: *spills* oops, i spilled Core: it happens, *grabs paper towels* please start cleaning up while i put the water away. D4: ok dada Core: do you know why it spilled? D4: its too heavy! Core: we'll try again another time
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Ovr, telling my D she isnt nice because she spilled while trying to pour a gallon of milk is what scares me. She could hear my W, she didnt ignore her.
Nothing to get scared about.
You said that you D4 told your W "I got distracted" after being told to pay attention by your W.
Like you said, it happens, but I would have disciplined the same as your W.
Quote
Is it actually possible to completely turn that off?
Well, you turned it on with your internal discourse, so I do believe you can turn it off. I've been reading the Meditations of Marcus Aurelius, but started with The Inner Citadel. Great stuff for situations like this.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Ovr, telling my D she isnt nice because she spilled while trying to pour a gallon of milk is what scares me.
Core, labeling D4 ("You are not nice") and labeling D4's actions ("That is not nice"), are different. I get you prefer a softer parenting style. There are many reasonable parenting styles.
CW, G, Ovr, thanks for the responses on Ws parenting. If you all agree then I'm the one over thinking and overreacting.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Well, you turned it on with your internal discourse, so I do believe you can turn it off. I've been reading the Meditations of Marcus Aurelius, but started with The Inner Citadel. Great stuff for situations like this.
Got my interest here. I like YouTube stuff on stoicism so I imagine books can add a whole new level. So far are you liking them? When it comes to books like that im abnormal in a way. I dont want to read them when life is chaos. I want to read them when its a peace. I realize I've got a few peacetime activities lined up but maybe they'll help bring me peace if I follow them now.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Validating is acknowledging their feelings--e.g., sad, angry, frustrated, etc. A feeling isn't wrong or invalid. Facts may be. Actions may be. Responding defensively won't help your relationship--romantic or coparenting.
True. Responding defensively helps in no way I can think ok.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
She FEELS LIKE you're blaming her. This is a great time for an intervention! You: Oh no! What do you feel like I'm blaming you for? Her: Obviously, for D4 missing out on daddy time during lunch. You: I think D4 will be almost as happy to have daddy time while you get your medicine. Her: But you two will miss Spongebob. The Spongebob finale! You: Your medicine's important. I suspect D4 would be just as happy this one time.. if we recorded Spongebob and then set aside a special time to watch it tonight.. with popcorn!
I wish convos could be like that. Thats how interactions I have with others and past romantic partners have been at times. I just...I can't believe someone would even be offended by me working my normally scheduled shift. This is how convos look with my W:
Her: You're targeting me (or attacking me, hurt me, etc...real life examples, leaving a dish on the counter, not being ok with S1 playing in a moldy basement, threw out expired food) Core: I'm sorry you're feeling attacked. What caused you to feel this way? Her: You Core: What did I say or do that was upsetting? Her: Nothing
2 days later Core: You look upset, is anything wrong? Her: No Core: Ok
3 weeks of stonewalling later, I dont even remember the original convo... Core: Will you just tell me what's wrong, I know you're holding something in Her: Its nothing Core: Just tell me, I dont believe you Her: You did X (something completely normal, or held a boundary, or didnt allow her to control me) and you dont trust me Core: You've been upset about that this whole time? And I didnt believe you because something was wrong and youre admitting to it just now. Her: yes, thats what I said, im mad about X and because you dont trust me Core: I feel like youve blocked me out for weeks because of that, I wish you couldve told me sooner. Her: you didnt ask
Then slowly I would either give in and lose a boundary to prevent stonewalls, lose part of my identity or battle and receive either longer stonewalls or sometimes intimacy for confronting.
Months later Her: why did you stop doing X? Core: Because it really bothered you in the past Her: You misunderstood me and have a bad memory. Youre remembering wrong. Core: You shut me out for weeks...I remember that happening Her: I never did that
I question and doubt my own memory. Maybe I did do such and such wrong. Let me apologize for hurting my W.
Core: I apologize for X Her: thank you Core: how do you feel about my side of the story, I felt shut out for weeks Her: that didnt happen, youre always trying to start a fight.
Ladies and gents, its interactions like the above that caused me to pull out emotionally. Its one of many reasons why I think there is a disorder or at minimum cptsd at play. I'm slowly filling with hate. Not resentment. Its hate and I dont like how it feels. I have to leave the sitch, for me and the kids. Life is about love, support and having fun.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
