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Core #2898484 06/25/20 05:16 PM
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Core ~

Comparing A vs. B is a fool's choice. Both mindsets are flawed, there are so many cognitive distortions in your lists. Life will be worse after, kids are better/worse off, you never loved her, you deserve better, why would I want her, she's not supportive, on and on and on. These are all not helpful thoughts.

Regardless, I don't think this "Pro/Con" comparison analysis works well for complex life decisions anyways. It's so hard to stop doing it. Your brain is used to it's pre-wired patterns for dealing with life. Trust me... forget your MR for a minute, your happiness depends much more greatly on how you approach life going forward.

I guarantee you that your decisions will come more naturally when you FEEL they are right than if you keep using your brain to obsess over them. My anxiety regularly hit 8s and 9s in the last year. This sh*t is HARD. When you feel like your anxiety is down at a 2 or 3, and you feel confident in your decision making -- trust me, it is the best feeling in the world. Your brain will thank you for it =)

Also... what makes you think "divorce will cause shame"?

Core #2898705 06/28/20 01:22 PM
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It's been a good couple of days. Held and maintained a PMA and mindset of abundance for a few days. This morning I met with a friend whom helped me early in the sitch and we talked about what happened and whats happening. I limited myself but it was still enough negativity and lack in my strength to stay in my PMA. My fault. I'm working to get back in it and have more frame work to do. Thus the reason for my post today.

I started just saying whatever I want and having a IDGAF attitude. W has engaged me several times the past few days in friendly teasing banter, following my lead. Its been fun. I'm not expecting anything from here nor is this drawing me in, I'm just having a good time in the poor situation which I am at least half responsible for getting myself in. After playfully mocking her a bit, she ending up bringing me dinner while on a teleconference. It was barely even poisoned. Being a dumb A and non caring really makes life easier. Not sure how i forgot that!

I identified more energy sucking things in my life which are next to changed, my car has an airbag recall, house needs maintenance, I engaged back with W about politics...no win there and I let a low energy person suck me down instead of detaching or pulling them up.

Its been boiling how here. I exercised outside in just some shorts and had two women rubbernecked. One while driving which was funny and frightening. It made me feel good which identifies that I'm still seeking validation. Glad my fitness is paying off, I just gotta catch up on the emotional. Im lessening my time around the kids as Ive felt like I need to give them as much time as possible. Im turning it around so its not from neediness. The time i spend other than standard parenting, is from a play of fun and enjoyment whether they engage or not.

I finished another book and am moving on to another. I'm going to hit all my goals i set to hit by june 30th except my weight goal. I slacked there and should've weight lifted and ate more.

I read May22s interpretation of a spouse with a LD. My W could've wrote that post. Interesting to see the other side and alot of it is what I thought the LD spouse may feel. Its sad on both sides. So many of us wait so long to address our issues. Such is life as a human.

On to some time with the kids and finding heavier things to lift for my Q3 goals.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
unchien #2898708 06/28/20 01:53 PM
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Originally Posted by unchien

Comparing A vs. B is a fool's choice. Both mindsets are flawed, there are so many cognitive distortions in your lists. Life will be worse after, kids are better/worse off, you never loved her, you deserve better, why would I want her, she's not supportive, on and on and on. These are all not helpful thoughts.

Thank you U. I've found choice C again after your post...abundance and PMA. Hopefully I make it last.

Originally Posted by unchien

I guarantee you that your decisions will come more naturally when you FEEL they are right than if you keep using your brain to obsess over them. My anxiety regularly hit 8s and 9s in the last year. This sh*t is HARD. When you feel like your anxiety is down at a 2 or 3, and you feel confident in your decision making -- trust me, it is the best feeling in the world. Your brain will thank you for it =)

Also... what makes you think "divorce will cause shame"?

Its amazing the difference in flow when the anxiety is lowered and how hard it can be to see anxiety when its taking over. I was raised in a household and family in which even the thought of D brought shame. There is one D in the last 3 generations of my family that we know of. One and it was because the H had extreme mental problems. Part of my dilemma is accepting D may be the better option and facing that shame.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2898726 06/28/20 06:24 PM
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Might read and reply more later.
Core the shame you mention is just something you create.
D is not what you wanted but Noone can or should control everything in their life.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Core #2898727 06/28/20 06:38 PM
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Its one of those cases where you know your own thinking is wrong yet have trouble circumventing it due to engrained patterns. I've made peace with the fact that D is likely going to happen and that its probably the better outcome for me. There is still shame internally from myself, probably from things I heard from relatives as a kid.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2898786 06/29/20 06:03 PM
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I listened to and deleted old voicemails to clean up my phone. Had several from W calling to tell me how much she loved me. Amazing what changes in a person. Just sad, she was so sweet and feminine in the time before time. The woman before me is the same or worse as the one I've seen presented to friends, coworkers, strangers, etc. Its like she had a GF/wife persona she killed off.

I started the Power of Now book and its seemingly good so far. One odd thing is that I got to thinking that anxiety is useful. I may not let go of it. During the times I'm controlling it, I've so much energy.

S1 has learned to climb shelving and is getting on the counter which has a plethora of knives, choking hazards, valuables, cords, chemicals. You get the idea. Im impressed overall with his skill and more so his stealth. I had no idea he was up there until he knocked down D4s toys she was hiding from him.

As I teeter taughter away from thinking I need to file for D ASAP, I still debate how to handle this unofficial IHS. Like, we never agreed to or called this IHS. No rules, no boundaries. On her end Just I want a D. Wait I want the M. Wait I want space. She wants space yet closes in on me more and more, in a sometimes friendly way. I dont want to attach, so I am debating separate meals and avoiding her more.

Last edited by Core; 06/29/20 06:04 PM.

H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2898787 06/29/20 06:25 PM
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You kind of have split personalities Core.

Originally Posted by Core
I started just saying whatever I want and having a IDGAF attitude. W has engaged me several times the past few days in friendly teasing banter, following my lead. Its been fun. I'm not expecting anything from here nor is this drawing me in, I'm just having a good time in the poor situation which I am at least half responsible for getting myself in. After playfully mocking her a bit, she ending up bringing me dinner while on a teleconference. It was barely even poisoned. Being a dumb A and non caring really makes life easier. Not sure how i forgot that!

This guy peered his head out of his shell and look at the results he received.

Originally Posted by Core
As I teeter taughter away from thinking I need to file for D ASAP, I still debate how to handle this unofficial IHS. Like, we never agreed to or called this IHS. No rules, no boundaries. On her end Just I want a D. Wait I want the M. Wait I want space. She wants space yet closes in on me more and more, in a sometimes friendly way. I dont want to attach, so I am debating separate meals and avoiding her more.

Then back to whiny punishing core because he can't get his way.

Which Core is more attractive?

Core #2898842 06/30/20 02:15 PM
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Just out of curiosity Core, how many of us in IHS do you really think sat down and laid out a) that we were officially in an in house separation b) what the rules were/are or c) made the decision mutually? Like is this what you think is what's really happening in most of our households?

I've seen this with LBWs far more than I do with LBHs but you have like this fantasy mind set of how things are supposed to be and you can't let it go. You get genuinely stuck in the idea of "If I do A according to the books and websites and podcasts W should do B." Or "In the books, websites, podcasts, this is how things are done why aren't we doing things that way"?

Yes couples exist that plan out an in home separation, they create rules, and boundaries, they create physically separate spaces and make schedules, but those couples are few and far between.

And I'm with LH here you don't get your way whether it's directly by W or indirectly because this messy situation isn't going the way you want it to you only have 2 ways to deal with that punish W or spin.

I'm serious Core. I know you ignored me before, but I'm going to keep saying it. You need a new IC. If you can't be upfront and honest about things, and how much your anxiety colors your world, and how easily swayed by emotion you are on any given day, you need some one who can see the difference between reality and your emotionally fueled reality. You need some one who is going to challenge your thinking and mindset. You do not need a person who will continue to enable your behaviors and thought process and call it support.

wayfarer #2898916 07/01/20 12:48 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19

Then back to whiny punishing core because he can't get his way.

Which Core is more attractive?

Whining is the 2020 way to handle things. I dont want my fellow millennials to oust me from the group.

My abundance and IDGAF mindset I liken to soap in the shower. Hard to hold on to. Anything hard to get is worth it though.


Originally Posted by wayfarer
Just out of curiosity Core, how many of us in IHS do you really think sat down and laid out a) that we were officially in an in house separation b) what the rules were/are or c) made the decision mutually? Like is this what you think is what's really happening in most of our households?

You're right, none of us here have IHS conditions or even out of home separation conditions that I know of.

Originally Posted by wayfarer

I've seen this with LBWs far more than I do with LBHs but you have like this fantasy mind set of how things are supposed to be and you can't let it go. You get genuinely stuck in the idea of "If I do A according to the books and websites and podcasts W should do B." Or "In the books, websites, podcasts, this is how things are done why aren't we doing things that way"?

This is true. This I dont see as a changeable trait, its hard coded personality. I live by rules and boundaries as lame as that sounds. I cant chalk it up to anxiety.

Originally Posted by wayfarer

And I'm with LH here you don't get your way whether it's directly by W or indirectly because this messy situation isn't going the way you want it to you only have 2 ways to deal with that punish W or spin.

I'm going to try complaining about this one last time. How do you commit to vows, be unsupportive of your spouse while theyre facing their trauma, have an affair while you have a child 6m or younger, then blame the spouse for it all, ask for a D, then sit on your A and do absolutely nothing except be a victim and rude person for the next 10 months?Compared to what many others have gone through, what W went through with me is a walk on the beach! By the time my parents were my age, my dad had been shot a few times, house broken in to, barely affording food. You know, real problems. Not only is this illogical and irrational, it makes no sense emotionally either. Ive wanted to write that out for awhile, I do know the answers to some of that and accept its not black and white. To your point, I'm still too weak to have the stuff bounce off me. Better but not where I need or want to be so I'm continuing the work.

I still think if sandi2 followed me, she'd advise I've been too nice here and that W needs consequences for her actions. W has no incentive to lift a finger and somehow she can just turn off her sex drive. Dried up like the Sahara. My resentment of her for all this builds daily as she strolls around like we were never married, like we arent currently married. I think I'm still a victim of Nice Guy Syndrome here pretending to be a family, allowing W to vent some problems to me, eating dinner and doing holidays together. So whats going to happen is resentful nice guy will explode and file for D. Assertive or Dbag guy isnt allowed to punish and the days I find peace with the sitch, Im wondering if thats just rationalizing.

I truly cant tell if things are getting a little better or I'm being used. Now I get for some, they played family and its working well. The difference being to me that works well on a man however on a woman it'll just lower respect. I can tell she still looks down on me (and most of the world). I can see it in those vengeful, judgemental eyes. Looking in them I sense shes got a connection straight to the man below and seemingly has not an ounce of empathy for me, or any men in this world. Just all the women in her life which are oddly avoidant victims as well. I'm going to get flack for all this, I know its my perception. Sometimes the gut it right. My brother looked in her eyes after an episode one time and immediately said to me, now I understand. I was on her side but i can see what youre dealing with.

Originally Posted by wayfarer

I'm serious Core. I know you ignored me before, but I'm going to keep saying it. You need a new IC. If you can't be upfront and honest about things, and how much your anxiety colors your world, and how easily swayed by emotion you are on any given day, you need some one who can see the difference between reality and your emotionally fueled reality. You need some one who is going to challenge your thinking and mindset. You do not need a person who will continue to enable your behaviors and thought process and call it support.

He does an effective style which only 1 other counselor in town does. Im considering your advice here but I may ignore it.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2898917 07/01/20 12:59 PM
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So whining is a millennial trait and therefore okay. And expecting W to react appropriately to things you say and do is a personality thing and you will continue to do it.

I think we are seeing a mindset here as to why you may be in your sitch.

"This is the way I am, deal with it!" Ever said that or something similar to your W before all of this happened?

I think you have some 180ing to do.

As far as the IC. Hmmmm, he does an effective style.....which hasn't been effective. This seems like more core stubbornness.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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