I had already planned to tell H when he comes by next week that I understand his concerns about coming to the party and while I wish he would participate the choice is 100% up him and walk away. I don't want him to feel any pressure from me.....
You already asked him so asking him again would be nothing but pressure. Do you not see that?
I had already planned to tell H when he comes by next week that I understand his concerns about coming to the party and while I wish he would participate the choice is 100% up him and walk away. I don't want him to feel any pressure from me.....
You already asked him so asking him again would be nothing but pressure. Do you not see that?
Good point.
I'll still hand him the invite with the rest of the stuff and if I say anything at all it will be that I understand and accept how he feels.
And, then not another word. The party will be great with or without him.
So I'm sitting with the idea that perhaps I should just move things forward? That puts me in control and then I no longer spend my time thinking... is this the day he texts/calls about D? Or, I get a notice that he finally has atty? But, the thought of all that work is exhausting to me... very exhausting. I will admit that I've been behaving like an ostrich with my head in the sand... i just don't want to acknowledge it let alone deal with it.
Push it forward only if it benefits you.
So if it doesn't benefit me ---- don't push through the D? Let it sit until he takes action? It actually doesn't benefit me to push things through.
What I need my brain to accept that his lack of movement is he is at the same place as me.... its just too exhausting to comprehend what needs to be sorted and divided. So we both are avoiding because it will be a lot more work than either of us want to devote to right now.
I need to sit with my anxiety. In the past I've made some really dumb moves (4mo ago at the beginning of my sitch). I would call needlessly and realized that was being driven by anxiety and that contact pushed him further away and really didn't alleviate my anxiety or if it did it was temporary.
I'm glad I sat with it last night and didn't contact - that would have been foolish and left me feeling worse.
I need to do some meditation perhaps? Never done that. I'm sure there are apps for that.
I need to act and accept that any day something may show up in the mail informing me H has atty. Or that one day there will be a text message asking where things are with D. My response is ready and practiced when that happens.
So that I've understood LH - do not push the D if it does not benefit me?
Then the other half of me is like... what if I fast track everything... and he was really trying to sit with his feelings and figure things out but I derail that by pushing it forward?
If he were on the fence, losing you as Plan B would generally make you more attractive.
(I haven't seen much to indicate he's on the fence.)
I don't think anyone has seen anything to indicate he is on the fence. I'm just grasping at straws - I realize I'm analyzing every interaction and anytime he is relaxed and chatting more... my brain goes there.
He doesn't hate me.
That doesn't mean he still wants me.
I think its human nature to think that if I don't do something now... if I don't interrupt what he is doing... he will go for OW and not me. If DB is doing the opposite... I need to retrain my brain that if anything speaks to him at all it will be my absence.
I can leave his stuff on the porch for sure... but he still has my overhead door opener and I should really get it back. the last time I asked for it (2 months ago) he completely baulked about returning it and lied about where the second opener he had was (luckily I found the second one on the motorbike before he took it). Why in the world would he want the garage opener of all things? But, I think it was more a of control thing. That was during his anger phase. He mostly likely never thinks that its still in his truck. So, yeah I need that back.
My M is over. My H wants a D. My H is already moving on.
I have a good life. I have a beautiful home. I have a great job.
Quarantine bites... it looks like the ports will still be on shut down in September so no sailing vaca for me but I can still get out of state and break the terrible monotony I'm stuck in.
Do not mention your son's party again. You don't realize it, but if you do mention it, you are putting pressure on him and it may feel like you are guilting him to come. Put the invitation in with his mail and say absolutely nothing more to him about it unless he brings it up.
As for the garage opener, he may feel that he is still entitled to keep it because there is no paperwork in place as well as he may think he can come there and get stuff out of the garage at any time. Question that I have for you, do you have two garage doors or one? If you have two, unplug the opener for the one he has the opener for. If you only have one door, reprogram the code. Don't ask for the opener again, order a new opener on line...serial number, make and model should be on the opener.
Trust me, unless he has a change of heart, that opener will not be returned to you. Take back the control and either change the code or get a new opener.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Why in the world would he want the garage opener of all things?
These are the crazy little things that keep you spinning. If he wants the opener it must mean he doesn't want a divorce. But your brain is able to block out his new home and OW. See how it doesn't make any logical sense?
Originally Posted by KitCat
My M is over. My H wants a D. My H is already moving on.
KK I am sorry to say your H has moved on.
Originally Posted by KitCat
So that I've understood LH - do not push the D if it does not benefit me?
Yes as long as you can sit with it hanging over your head.
Why in the world would he want the garage opener of all things?
These are the crazy little things that keep you spinning. If he wants the opener it must mean he doesn't want a divorce. But your brain is able to block out his new home and OW. See how it doesn't make any logical sense?
No - I never thought that him keeping the opener was a sign he didn't want a D. During the anger phase I thought it stemmed more about control. At this point I had already re-keyed and re-coded all the doors. The one thing I cannot do without paying a service call is re-code the openers... BUT, he didn't know that - he thought everything had changed... so why hold on to a non-working opener??? Just control thing.
I have since told him the actual opener works because he wanted to come over and do fence work some time back but I imagine like 50% of the stuff I say he forgets.
I'm 100% certain he doesn't even remember he has it even though its in his truck. He has never made any attempts to be here when I am not. He has never threatened to show up outside of when I first changed the locks and that was anger talking. I think he is trying to respect my space.
Originally Posted by KitCat
My M is over. My H wants a D. My H is already moving on.
KK I am sorry to say your H has moved on.
Originally Posted by KitCat
So that I've understood LH - do not push the D if it does not benefit me?
Yes as long as you can sit with it hanging over your head. [/quote]
The plan was to have this take a year so I would have health care. At one point, my H even said we could drag this out 2yr (I doubt he remembers that because it was during his very emotional/anger time when I changed the locks and he wanted to assure me he wasn't out to screw me over --- that we could continue to let the D sit and tell the judge we still needed time to come to agreement). Yes, I know to believe NOTHING they say.
LH - If my H has indeed moved on as everyone here feels he has what would slowing down this process do? Sitting with it as long as I can. Frankly, I'm quite happy he hasn't spoken one word of it in 5 weeks - and then it was actually me being the one that brought it up 5 weeks ago. I've stopped reading anything into it other than we both just don't want to deal with the enormity of what needs to be done.
DB is slowing down the process.... giving each party time to think and giving change a chance. The initial reason I want S instead of D was that I wanted a cooling down period... he was sooooooo stressed out and sleep deprived.
