My W is still very confusing. The W, D20, and I spent some time together yesterday and went out to dinner. Several times throughout the day, the W was talking about long term future plans together, and referring to us together using her chosen grandparent names (Loli and Pop). Every time she did I kind of just stared at her blankly, b/c what was going on in my head was "You crazy B, you are about 3 inches from being divorced and kicked out and you are making 3-5 year plans?"
I also feel like our positive interactions are still mimicking to a large degree our pre-BD behaviors (we really aren't fighting or arguing any more with 180's). For instance her still kissing me goodnight and saying ILU. I was thinking that I might ask her to stop kissing me and saying ILU until she can do so and actually mean it. It feels weird b/c now I feel like it's a lie and she is faking it. It might also give me some sort of barometer to know when she is coming around. Would that be a bad idea or a good one?
Do not take actions like that with expectations. Take the kisses and ILUs for what they are. You are overly attaching meaning to them. Do you think it will help or hurt your sitch to ask her to stop? Also, I see a hidden agenda in it: until she can do so and actually mean it.
First, you don't know that she doesn't actually mean it. You are surmising that based on how you feel. Second, that is not something you could ever be sure about. Say you say that, and she continues because she claims "she really means it". Do you trust that yet? Of course not.
Texan I am detecting some Nice Guy Syndrome tendencies from you. You might want to pick up the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. At least google what Nice Guy Syndrome is.
Remember, doing nothing is better than doing the wrong thing. We like to say around here that doing nothing IS doing something. So when you feel you need to take action, default to DOING nothing.
We also say: When she wants to come back (recommit to the MR) you will know. When she doesn't, you will be confused. Give her some time. Let her figure things out.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Do not take actions like that with expectations. Take the kisses and ILUs for what they are. You are overly attaching meaning to them. Do you think it will help or hurt your sitch to ask her to stop? Also, I see a hidden agenda in it: until she can do so and actually mean it.
First, you don't know that she doesn't actually mean it. You are surmising that based on how you feel. Second, that is not something you could ever be sure about. Say you say that, and she continues because she claims "she really means it". Do you trust that yet? Of course not.
I wouldn't be doing it with expectations. I just feel like everything still feels the same, and if nothing is changing we aren't growing and nothing will get better. I feel like SOMETHING between us has to change. As it is now she is back to interacting EXACTLY as if nothing is different and the last 30 days never happened. I will take your advice though and leave it alone.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Texan I am detecting some Nice Guy Syndrome tendencies from you. You might want to pick up the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. At least google what Nice Guy Syndrome is.
I did read about it and even bought the book. After reading the description it doesn't sound like me at all. I am not one to walk on eggshells trying to avoid confrontation. I have been known to tap dance on land mines. In fact I often feel like I can be too, opinionated, and maybe too dominating or willful. I am not going to eat at a restaurant that I don't want to just to please someone else. I believe everyone should be contributing to the household, and if someone isn't and they are capable, then there IS going to be an argument. That said, I did buy the book and will give it a read, maybe there are some things I can learn from it.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Remember, doing nothing is better than doing the wrong thing. We like to say around here that doing nothing IS doing something. So when you feel you need to take action, default to DOING nothing.
We also say: When she wants to come back (recommit to the MR) you will know. When she doesn't, you will be confused. Give her some time. Let her figure things out.
I hear you. This is why I posted. I need to hear these things. I know I am not being patient, I know I am wanting things to change so bad that I don't even care if it changes for the better or the worse, as long as it changes. I know you like to say we have to get to the point that if we caught our wife in an orgy it wouldn't make us mad. If that happened to me I would be relieved. I would view it as a "Get out of sh***y M Free" card. Make no mistake, I love my wife, but I do NOT want my OLD wife/marriage/life/relationship back. I want a new one, if it's with the same woman great, if it requires a new woman great, but what I had was not good and this feeling of slipping back into the old routines is the opposite of where I want to go. I am not sure if that makes sense or if it is a typical response but that is how I feel.
Hi TheTexan, I would NOT ask her to stop making 3-5yr plans, kissing you, and saying ILU. These are all positive steps towards reconciliation. It sounds like you're NOT in the same place as her--maybe unprocessed anger, maybe unsure that you want reconciliation. That's something you need to work out on your own.
D20 had a friend over for dinner. After dinner the friend went out for a smoke and D20 joined her to chat. I asked W "So fam what are we going to do tonight", expecting the usual answer of "Let's just watch a show" or even the rare "Let's play a game". What I got was, that if the D20 left with the friend then the W wanted sex. Then she came and laid down next to me in my huge living room chair and put her head on my chest. She laid there and we conversed about mundane things until the friend left and D20 did not (About 30 min or so). At that point W said, "Maybe we can try again tomorrow" and got up moved to her normal seat and asked to watch TV. I don't have my hopes up for it to happen tonight. She has many times in the past, been "in the mood" one day and a cold fish the next. We shall see what happens tonight.
Now, I am sure most people reading this may be thinking the W wanting sex is a good sign that maybe she is coming around, that she may be feeling more attracted to me or "in love" with me. I wish, but I am not so gullible. As I mentioned before we have been to the point of having sex once maybe twice per year for nearly a decade and even before that was only about 4x per year. However in the 30 days leading up to the BD we had sex probably at least 15 times if not more. Which means she was getting turned on by the OM or by thinking about the OM and then using me as a human dildo. In other words my W doesn't need to be attracted to me or "in love" with me in order to want and actively seek sex from me. I will also mention that she did make a comment yesterday afternoon that I have been making a lot of changes very fast, so she is paying attention. Maybe the changes I have been making are working.
This is why I think my sitch is likely more difficult to figure out where I am than most that I read about. In most cases the WW/WAW is getting sex outside the marriage or is really walking away, so the sex drops to 0 for the LBH and when she wants it from the LBH again it's usually a good sign. For me the sex didn't drop to 0. Instead, it hit all time highs at the height of the EA/PA. So I find myself asking, is her wanting sex her trying to reconcile, is it her trying to keep me from D'ing her, is it her signaling the EA/PA is back on, or is it just a random bit of her being horny and I am just the nearest human dildo?
Regardless of the answer, I will not be turning it down. I am also not going to be attaching any significance or meaning to it, I am just going along for the ride and enjoyment.
Hi Texan, new workout routine, conquering acrophobia, taking an online course, gardening, back to back road trips to otter states, playing a video game with my son, organizing an event for a large group. None of these involve as much interaction with other humans as I prefer, especially face to face, but them’s the breaks with COVID.
