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DnJ Offline
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Hello scout

We posted at the same time.

It appears S2 will be safe for the night. X is being an @ss. I am p!ssed off and probably a little tending towards irrational emotionally highjacked right now. How dare he!!

Ok, that’s not helpful. Sorry.

When you get S2 back that’s it. No more visits. X lied. And then has some vague plan of getting S2 back to you. Speak to your lawyer and get this arrangement nailed down. Use a third party. X’s behaviour has consequences; he has lost the privilege of a cordial drop off and pick up. Trust is a fleeting thing. He has lots of work to do to regain your’s again. (Dang, what a goof that guy is)

Unfortunately, it is probably going to need to be letter of the law for a while. No last minute alterations for visiting. He can give up his time, but doesn’t get it back. Playing hardball is appropriate at times. I think (or maybe feel right now) that this is one of those times.

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Gosh scout, I’m so sorry you went through that. I was going to suggest calling the police as well.

It is horrible that your X is using your son to get to you. I hope your son was not too frightened.


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scout12 Offline OP
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Thank you both. It's 8am Monday now and I haven't heard anything from X about S2's return yet. I'm supposed to work today, damn it. I've contacted the daycare to inform them of the situation and they are going to call me immediately if he is dropped off there.

The police cannot get involved in child custody disputes unless there's an emergency recovery order from the court. Due to the lax nature of the current arrangement, X has not broken any laws by withholding S2, so I can't get a recovery order.

The swiftest and strongest message I can send will be to prevent future access until a court order is in place to ensure I have legal recourse if he withholds him again. I'm scared of his response, but this is a serious breach and he cannot be led to think this is acceptable in any way.


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X finally responded to my calls, texts and messages at 11am. He was calling from the car and OW was there too.

Me: Hello, where is S2?
X: We are leaving X town so we're 90 minutes away.
Me: Why didn't you let me know earlier what your plan was?
X: Well, sh!t happens and I handled it.
Me: You have a legal responsibility to let me know where S2 is when you take him without my permission.
X: Oh really? You have a legal responsibility to let me see my son but you don't do that, do you?
Me: When have I ever prevented you from seeing him?
X: This weekend. You are even more controlling now than you were when we were in a relationship.
Me: I have only refused adhoc changes when we already have plans.
X: *stutters* Well, well, you don't tell me every time S2 sleeps away from home!
Me: He hasn't ever slept away from home.
X: *scoffs* You're saying he never slept at your parents' place?
Me: No, he hasn't. It's not in his best interest to spend overnights away from home at this age.
X: See, you're just saying that to keep him away from me.
Me: S2 can start spending overnights with you, but it needs to be a transition over time, ands I want it done through formal, legal channels with a binding agreement. That is how divorce works.
X: I've tried but you wouldn't let me!
Me: I was in the middle of negotiating and you stopped responding. How is it my fault if you stopped participating in the process?
X: You wouldn't even give me one overnight a week!
Me: I offered to start with a dinner and a monthly overnight and increase over time.
X: That's not what I wanted!
Me: You are not above the rules. It's about what's best for S2.
X: You don't even speak to me at the front door! You never tell me when he's sick! You antagonise me with balloons! (LOL)
Me: We are not friends, what do we have to speak about? I'll tell you if he is sick enough to require medical attention, not for every sniffle and cough.
X: You're saying he hasn't been to the doctor in a year?
Me: No, he hasn't.
X: What about S2? I always encourage him to say goodbye to you at the front door and you never do!
Me: The only thing I want to speak to you about is childcare arrangements, and I want it done in writing to prevent abuse.
X: Are you recording this call?
Me: No.
X: Why are you acting like this? You put those balloons on the garage to make me angry! (he seemed really bothered by the balloons I put up for my divorce party which spelled 'happily ever after')
Me: Nothing I do has anything to do with you.
X: You screamed at me in the street saying I was a cheater!
Me: I didn't scream. I confronted you when I found out. That was one occasion and I haven't spoken to you in person since. I don't care any more.
X: You've been spreading stories about me, I've never done anything to you!
Me: I tell people things that have actually occurred. If you didn't want to be called a cheater, you shouldn't have cheated.
X: *sputters*
Me: I'd appreciate it if you stopped telling people that I prevent you from seeing S2 because I have always been accommodating of any requests unless I have prior plans.
X: *sarcastic laughter*
Me: It's all documented via email so I'd be happy to provide receipts.
X: Well, you never respond to my emails! Or my texts!
Me: If you need to discuss childcare, I respond. I don't want unnecessary contact with you because you are verbally abusive.
X: Oh, and you screaming that I'm a cheater isn't abusive?
Me: Telling the truth is not abusive. I didn't scream. You had an affair and abandoned your family. Those are facts.
X: You've got a tone and an attitude that I don't like. I guess we'll handle this in court.
Me: That's what I've been trying to do, but you stopped participating in the process. I agreed to increased time in February and you stopped responding.
X: *sputters*
Me: It's an ongoing negotiation, not all or nothing.
X: I want everything laid out - shared care, holidays, schooling.
Me: Yes, that's what I want. You are the one preventing this from happening. Pulling a stunt like this is not the way to come to a mutual agreement.
X: I have to take him otherwise you'd never let me see him!
Me: What you have done is not acceptable and there will be consequences.
X: Oh yeah, you're threatening me now?
Me: You are not above the rules. This is how the legal process works.
X: Well, I don't want to have this conversation anymore.
Me: Just curious. Did you have any thought for how worried I might be overnight?
X: Do you have any thought for how unfair it is that I can't see my son?
Me: Okay, I'm done. What time will S2 be back?
X: Are you not capable of looking up X town on Google Maps and figuring that out yourself?
Me: It is your responsibility to communicate. If the plan changes, you are responsible for informing me. You have a history of being unreliable and it's not my job to chase you up. Do the right thing.
X: No, YOU do the right thing.
Me: *shaking my head at this nonsense*
X: I will be back at 12:05pm. *sarcastically* Do I need to call you if I am one minute late?
Me: Now you're taking the piss. Yes, you do need to inform me if you're late. That is common courtesy.

At this point my lawyer called me so I said I had to go.

Did I need to engage in that conversation? No. But I don't regret it.


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DnJ Offline
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Good Morning scout

I am glad you are speaking to your lawyer. Best see how you can get this resolved; you don’t need X pulling stunts like this.

His comments about does he needs to call if one minute late, he is pushing and rebelling. And yes, he does need to call if he is late. So be on time or a bit early. Sheesh, he is an emotional teenager, thrashing about. He’s not going to like the consequences, of his actions.

Document, document, document.

D


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Scout ~ I agree with DnJ's advice to document everything that happens. I am so glad I documented things in my situation.

I don't recall the details of where you are in the process, or how the law works where you live, but I hope your L has good advice for how to proceed. When I pushed things forward so that we had a legally enforceable temporary parenting plan (even without the timeshare I preferred), a lot of the nonsense stopped.

Being one minute late is one thing but from a legal perspective is inconsequential. Keeping S2 overnight and making up a story about it is a serious breach of trust, and would have serious legal consequences if it violated your parenting agreement. Document everything that happens, but especially highlight the egregious things. The first item is an example of discourtesy, the second an example of extremely poor co-parenting and untrustworthiness.

High-conflict D is awful. Hang in there, focus on what's important, and don't get baited into following cheeseless tunnels.

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Scout,

OMG. I'm so sorry this happened. What a f__kwit. The whole thing is total BS and it is absolutely not okay to use a two year old child like that. And the poor kid was sitting in the car listening to him say these things to you, too.

I'm sure your L will have good advice for you, but to me there is a pretty slippery slope between this behavior and kidnapping. The things he said to you-- basically you wouldn't give me what I wanted-- overnights with S2-- so I'll just take them-- is terrifying to me. I think if you're able to keep S2 in your custody and not let him be with his dad alone until you have a legally enforceable arrangement, I'd do that. He lied to you about an important thing involving your child and where he was. What stops him from lying again? What's the next step for him in "getting what he deserves"? Scary.

Best case scenario, this is what it takes to move the process forward in ironing out a legally enforceable plan. Stay strong. You're a great mom.

And I know you know this already but it bears repeating... you are so. much. better. off. without this a$$hole as your H. What a sad and sorry jerk. I am delighted by your balloons and pettily glad they bothered him so much. Even though you're above that, I'm not. bahahahaha.


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Thanks guys. It has been a horrible 36 hours and I am completely exhausted from the whole ordeal. Lying in my bed Sunday night not knowing where my little boy was... it was the dark night of the soul.

Before I got off the phone with X, I warned him not to start anything at the front door when dropping off S2, so that all went smoothly. I could have cried with relief once I got him inside the house. We had a big cuddle and he kept repeating "Mama's coming tomorrow", which must have been what X was telling him, which means S2 was asking for me. I reassured him that I was right here and we would be together all day. I was in no state to focus on work.

The adventure (I have been calling it 'his adventure with dad' to make light of it in his mind) doesn't seem to have affected him in a negative way. He has a busted lip which seems to have occurred during a jetski accident frown No explanation from X, of course, but S2 said "dad took me on the jetski and he was going too fast and I hit my head". His front tooth seems to have gone through the lip. I'm pretty irate about that. He also has the worst nappy rash I've ever seen, it looks like a burn. He only wears nappies overnight now and very rarely has a slight rash, so I don't know how this huge, glowing, red rash happened. I'm taking him to the doctor today to document and assess the injuries.

He did seem a bit keyed up at bedtime last night, so I let him sleep in my bed. He got upset whenever I turned the light off, saying "I can't see you!" After an hour of tossing and turning and kicking me in the back, I asked him if he would like to go back to his bed. He cried "noooo". So of course I kept him with me and cuddled him to sleep, although I didn't have a very restful sleep myself. The important thing is that he felt safe.

Yesterday morning while trying to get hold of X and find out where he was and when S2 would be returned, my mother contacted X's mother to see if she had heard from him. Apparently she was concerned about S2, but the conversation got tense when she started echoing X's story that he's being denied access. She even said that X must have been so fed up by me withholding S2 that he just took him. As if that justifies kidnapping! My mother quickly pointed out that X had stopped participating in custody negotiations in February. Ex-MIL stuttered a bit (must run in the family) and said she didn't know anything about that. So clearly, X is feeding them a bunch of lies about me. I knew that was the case, but it still hurt to hear it directly.

I spoke with my L yesterday and she agreed it was a serious breach and I am justified in withholding S2 until a court order is in place. It's going to cause a big drama as it's Father's Day this weekend and I'd previously agreed that X could take S2 overnight. Obviously I am no longer making that offer, but I'm worried that if I do let him take S2 just for that day, he won't return him again. My L is drafting a letter outlining the consequences of future breaches so that I don't have to communicate with X directly.

I've also booked in to see my psychologist soon. I just can't believe this has happened. I reached out to my family and a few friends who were all horrified and rallied around me on Sunday/Monday, offering company and support. Posting here helps me solidify that what X did is unacceptable. The self-doubt created by years of emotional abuse is still there beneath the surface. I always think 'is there anything I could have done better' or 'have I done something to cause this'. Should I have agreed to the custody schedule he demanded in February, am I being unfair, am I withholding? S2's safety and wellbeing has always been my guiding star. I look at how content and secure and understanding he is, even after an ordeal like this, and I know I have made the right choice. But the doubt lingers.


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DnJ Offline
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Hello scout

It completely normal to have doubts.

Originally Posted by scout12
I spoke with my L yesterday and she agreed it was a serious breach and I am justified in withholding S2 until a court order is in place.

Look at what your lawyer said.

What X did is a serious breach. Let him have his consequences. He deserves them. No doubt about it.

D


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scout12 Offline OP
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Here's a little levity about the whole ordeal... S2 told me that OW broke X's jetski. LMAO.


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