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Hi Scout,

Congratulations on getting to a place where you can finally see an end in sight and finishing out the D-- that must feel really good. Yay! And the meeting with the financial advisor-- from where I sit, you feel so positive and strong and forward-looking. It must feel amazing to be able to take control of those parts of your life where your kid's dad ( smile ) was so controlling and nasty. I have to admit I'm pushing on building this fence I want at my house right now because I know it will cost more than it will increase the value of the house, and I just want it for me no matter what happens.

I love that this new man makes you feel safe. That is so important. And fun that your kids are the same age. I'm excited to hear how it goes when you meet in person!

I wonder a little bit if the mechanics of online dating (not that you met him that way, not sure, but was just thinking about it) brings out a little of the entitlement in many participants, because you can so easily swipe or whatever and make judgments about someone and if they're right for you based on a photo and whatever they choose to share in that introductory page. It was just occurring to me because I was hanging out with a friend who is Ded and has been online dating, and she was showing me how it all works. It is kind of addictive and fun and we were swiping right and left and having a grand old time doing it. And then all of a sudden I felt kind of gross like here we were judging these poor men on their looks and what they said on this page, or how funny and interesting they were on texts. Just when you said the part about men feeling like it was a dealbreaker for them that you liked XYZ I realized I was looking at it the same way from my friend's perspective, oh this guy is no good because he (whatever)... and it felt more like shopping than like actually connecting with another human being with thoughts and feelings and a whole inner emotional life. All that to say... if you've found one who is so considerate that his first thoughts are of what is right for you, not for him.. that is pretty cool. smile


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Hello scout

You have a very good list of long term priorities for yourself. Good job. You’d be surprise (or not) at how many people really have no plan what so ever.

Anyhow, a wee bit of advice from a guy who’s got a couple of decades on you. Breakdown each of those items into smaller actual goals/steps/milestones, and you will achieve them. For example: Financial Security, what does that look like to you. What do you need to see to know you made it. Then you can figure out actionable step to get there.

I like Investing in S2’s Future. There is a lot of space for ideas regarding this one. Wanting the funds to allow him to attend post secondary education. I need $100,000. Ok, I’ll invest $50/month at x%, compounded monthly, for 16 years, and bingo.

The money aside, invest your time. (Think years from now) As he gets older, as my life gets busier, as the demands of my employment grow, as his demands at school increase, as his wanting to be with friends increases, we will still sit and eat super together every Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday night. Not at the TV, around the table. smile Ok, that is years away. Still, set the stage for that, now. Which, btw, you are doing.

Good for you proceeding with the divorce all on your own. Yeah, XH is dragging his feet.

Originally Posted by scout12
I know technically he is my ex, but the distinction feels important to me. I don’t want him to be ‘my anything’.

It’s coming.

I technically am divorce. However, I mostly think of my self as single rather than divorced. I suppose it’s more how I choose to define myself.

I do agree we have responses to perceived or subconscious dangers, those ‘sparks’ you spoke of. I did actually have to look up negging to see what you were talking about. Lol. Dang, these young kids and their new fangled words and stuff. smile (Raps on window with walking stick) Hey, you kids get off my lawn. hahahahaha

Good luck on your date.

D


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Love the person, forgive the sin.
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I read a dating theory that feeling ‘sparks’ is just your nervous system’s flight or fight response to perceived or subconscious danger


Wow - that would explain a lot!

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Date with the new guy had to be rescheduled due to weather and illness. We are going to grab coffee this weekend instead.

I did meet him on a dating app, May. Honestly, I have no qualms swiping left on the great majority of men simply because I feel they can't meet me where I'm at and they don't have anything to offer me.

I'm about to be 32 years old. I'm a single mother raising my baby (essentially) on my own. I earn six figures in a software marketing role. I've navigated a pretty brutal betrayal and abandonment by my son's father. I handled the financial settlement required to buy my own home. I'm a tough broad! I don't need a man. Honestly, I'm not even sure that I want one. I have plenty of meaningful relationships with both men and women. But dating is part of the human experience, and it's something I've never done before, so I'm seeing what it's all about.

I vet these profiles very carefully. The slightest red flag is enough for me to unmatch and block a man without hesitation or regret. I absolutely am judgemental because it means I value myself too much to settle again. I am a prize and have always treated my partner the same way. My next partner will either reciprocate that effort or there won't be a next partner wink

On the divorce side of things, it looks like X will be served on Thursday morning when he has S2. It's the only time I could be sure he'd be at home. I'd prefer he was served at work, but I don't know where he works any more.

Thanks for the financial tips, DnJ. I'm meeting with the advisor tomorrow so I'll be sure to keep those in mind. Love the idea of investing time. Creating traditions and rituals and inside jokes that will last for years to come. That's super important to me. When you think back to your own childhood, those are the things that shape who you are. I want that for S2. We do dinner around the table most nights and you should see how much this boy eats! One dinner last week he ate two grilled chicken kabobs, a garden salad, some garlic bread, then two pears and a banana for dessert. He eats more than I do.

Single rather than divorced - I like that distinction. Single sounds like freedom and possibility.

S2 has been talking about families recently. A family is mummy, daddy, and baby. Not in our case, my lad. So I took the opportunity to sit him on my knee and give him a little lesson.

Me: S2, you are such a lucky boy to have two families. You have Mama and S2 in one family, and Dada and S2 in another family. Two families - wow!

He considered this for a moment.

S2: I have two families. Not you, just me!

Me: That's right. You are such a lucky boy.

I bought him a book called Love Makes a Family and we read that together. Then we snuggled.

Me: What do kisses and cuddles mean?

S2: It means I love you! Mama, I love you very, very much.

Me: I love you very, very much.

I figured that was enough of an explanation for a two-year old.


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Hello scout

Originally Posted by scout12
One dinner last week he ate two grilled chicken kabobs, a garden salad, some garlic bread, then two pears and a banana for dessert.

lol. Oh my. Just wait until he’s a teenager. smile

Your explanation of family was just perfect. You are a great Mom. As well as a tough broad. smile

Good for you meeting with an advisor. Tomorrow will be very good I think.

I hope Thursday goes ok. I suppose there isn’t much H can do at this point. Still, it will comforting to have that behind you.

Take care.

D


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Just heard from my lawyer. Divorce hearing won’t be until December. Groan.


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Ugh! Why?? So sorry.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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The legal wheels do turn slowly. It’s common for the date to be set pretty far in advance.


Feelings are fleeting.
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Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Yeah, that's just the soonest available date. If X had signed the joint application paperwork, it could have been done within a month or two. But he didn't, so here we are. It's okay.

Meeting with the financial advisor went well. We are going to update to an aggressive retirement investment strategy and add trauma insurance coverage for S2. Covering all the bases.


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Good Morning scout

Sounds like the meeting was productive. Insurance for S2, better investment strategy for retirement, good things are happening.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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