[scout12]

Last thread

Last post from the old thread.

I want my D to understand what marriage and vows and faith mean, so I don't have to pretend that what H and OW did for the last six years was okay. On the other hand, I still haven't told her 90% of what happened or that I had cancer while they were doing that. I never told my kids that I had cancer, still haven't told them, because I don't want them to worry about losing me while they are going through so much loss.

None of this is age-appropriate to a 2-year old, you handled it like a superhero as I said, but something to reflect on when the time comes as he grows up, if he asks questions.

This is really important to me as well. I think you can explain what happened in an age-appropriate way without editorialising, ie. “dad had an affair and that’s why we’re divorced” vs “dad cheated and ran off with a sl*tty wh*re”.

The important lesson for the child is this: when you get married, you promise not to have any boyfriends or girlfriends that aren’t your spouse. You’re each other’s special person, that’s what being faithful is. Dad broke his promise and that made me feel very angry and sad, so I can’t be his friend any more. But you don’t need to worry - I’ll always be here for you and I’ll always love you.

You are a good mum, Gerda

[may22]

Hi Scout,

My friend and I were joking about what age-appropriate communication looked like... at what age can you say "your father couldn't keep his d**k in his pants"? Maybe for younger kids it need to be "your father couldn't keep his wee-wee in his pants?" Obviously kidding but it made me laugh.

I just want to reflect again on what a great mom you are. I think it was really smart to take a little time to decide how to respond. I know the sending poop-filled undies back has got to be so infuriating and ridiculous, and I appreciate how you took some time to not react to that, gave him the benefit of the doubt that he might not feel comfortable throwing out something you bought, etc. You took your time, figured out the best way to talk to the school, didn't react out of emotion, and handled it the best way for your son. How are you so calm and collected with all of this?

I know it must be hard to see your S coming back home without naps and having inhaled candy or whatever when he's with your ex. That would drive me absolutely bonkers and you're right in that there isn't really anything you can do about it. It is outside of your control. He may never have the perfect father figure. But he has YOU. And is an incredibly lucky little boy.

[scout12]

May, I can just imagine a little kid taking that super literally - "did he have a hole in his pants? did it fall out of his pocket?"

I don't think I'm doing anything other parents wouldn't do. As for remaining calm - if you read my first or second threads back when I was posting in Newcomers, you'll find me repeatedly freaking out over H being five/ten minutes late for child handovers. And I mean FREAKING out. It was silly. Eventually I learned to stop expecting H to do the right thing or even the comprehensible thing because he continued to demonstrate that he wouldn't or couldn't. You can't be disappointed if you don't have any expectations.

I had a fantasy of an amicable co-parenting relationship at first. I had accepted the end of the marriage. We'd had a cathartic final R talk and worked out a separation agreement. I was cooperative and pleasant. It felt apart because he had something to hide - the OW that I didn't know about at the time. I could NOT understand why he constantly undermined my attempts to construct a positive co-parenting relationship. I felt like I was going mad. Now THAT was emotional abuse. Parallel parenting was really my only option if I valued my sanity.

Thank you so much for saying that. I feel like I'm the lucky one, honestly. And I'm just glad that Australia doesn't have 50/50 default custody arrangements.

[scout12]

Just want to point out that it was H's morning with S2 yesterday and the daycare told me that S2 had been really 'off' all day when I picked him up that afternoon. When I arrived, I witnessed him push another kid off a bike. OMG. The teacher filled me in on his day while I held him. He clung onto my neck and kept saying "no, go away" in a very upset tone of voice. I asked him what he needed to feel better and he said "NOTHING!" Once I buckled him into the car and reassured him we were going straight home, he said "not mama's house!" I asked him if he felt sad and he said "at dad's house". I said "did dad give you a cuddle?" and he said "NO!" I asked "what does dad do to make you feel better? and he said "NOTHING!"

Now, this may have all been a ploy to get a treat, because when I asked what I can do to make him feel better, he said "chocolate". He did cheer up once we got home and spent some time together. I've sent him off to daycare today with reassurances that he is loved by me and will see his dad on Sunday. Hopefully he has a better day.

[kml]

My friend and I were joking about what age-appropriate communication looked like... at what age can you say "your father couldn't keep his d**k in his pants"?

LOLOL May22, this cracked me up.

Scout - as for S2's meltdowns - do you have any idea what his time with his dad is like in the mornings he has him? Maybe he's just wearing him out playing so that he's tired by the time he gets to daycare? Or maybe he's filling him full of sugar so he's crashing at daycare? If it looks like a pattern developing, you might ask about those things.

Then again - sometimes it's really benign, ordinary kid things. Like pinworms keeping them from sleeping well at night and making them cranky the next day.

[Gerda]

Can you get an advocate for S2? A social worker who speaks for him and visits both houses? What S2 said to you sounds concerning to me.

My D has things like that all the time but is obsessed with her dad. This evening I had to listen for a long time all about how she realized she met OW SIX YEARS AGO and also in the fall, when my H was still calling her his friend. It is so awful and painful. After I had to run to my church, which is still closed, and pray against the door. I let myself pray for some very dark things to happen to H and OW and then slowly asked for hope and love.

But I digress. My point is that I would not push what S2 said aside.

[scout12]

I only know what S2 tells me and obviously he’s not the most reliable witness at age two. I just interviewed him to get the scoop and here’s what he said:

Do you have a bed at dad’s house? “No, just at home.”
I believe this is true.

Does dad give you brekky in the morning? “Dada cooked eggies on toast.”
True.

Do you have toys at dad’s house? “No, just a dinosaur book [the only child-related item H took when he moved out]”
I know for a fact he has a train set and an electric four-wheeler.

Who do you see at dad’s house? “OW and [X’s two-year old niece].
True.

Do you watch TV at dad’s house? “I just watch dada’s TV.”
X was a screen addict and I don’t believe this has changed.

Does dad play with you? “No.”
Doubtful but possible.

Do you like dad’s house? “Yeah, I have fun.”
I believe this.

Do you want to go to dad’s house tomorrow [it’s X’s day tomorrow]? “Yeah!”
That’s a relief.

What do you do at dad’s house? “[walking away] I’m a little bit busy riding my bike now.”
LOL

[scout12]

I received an email from my L today saying there’s been no response from X to the divorce papers we sent two weeks ago. My L was explicit in her cover letter that he wouldn’t have to pay anything. Just sign and return the papers.

I was hoping to be divorced by my birthday at the end of July, but it’s not looking likely at this point. It takes a month and one day after final judgement for the divorce to be official. Fingers crossed X responds soon.

[DnJ]

Good Morning scout

A couple of ideas for you to consider with the parallel parenting. You can still influence STBXH and need not just going along with his way during his time.

If S2 has few toys when visiting Dad, perhaps send a few “extra” toys with S2 for him to keep at Dad’s house. Best to get concurrence from H, of course that does tip into the coparenting realm.

I would suggest speaking to H about no bed for S2. The boy needs a bed, and a room. It’s hard to feel like it’s your home if you don’t even have a place to lay down.

It’s good to see S2 has fun with Dad (and obviously you as well ). His behaviour may just be benign actions of a growing boy. I’d treat it that way until you figure differently. Use those examples and times as learnings and lessons for son. He sounds like a bright lad, and is exploring and figuring out right from wrong, is all.

D

[unchien]

Hi scout ~

I agree with Gerda about looking into getting help involved making sure S2 is okay at both houses. Maybe your L can help advise how to handle it? You have genuine concerns about S2's safety and well-being, especially given STBXH's history. Handling it through a 3rd party may limit the discord.