KC, I do not think your problem is not being empathetic to him and understanding your past mistakes. I'd say those kinds of books are preaching to the choir because you have that down pat.
Focus on books that help you move on, healthy and happy. Your biggest struggle is in letting go.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'm here taking as many minutes as possible to work finding my weak spots and shoring them up... but to what end? Of course the changes will benefit ME. What a waste of 10yr if he chooses not to look back and see me that goddess he fell in love with again. I still love him. Of course, I can take this and move forward to whatever I do ---- right now my future plans are to sail the ocean with male bff of 40yr. I will survive and adapt.
Food for thought: it's not a waste of 10 years, and I challenge you to change your mindset on that. If you learn and come out the other side a better person FOR YOURSELF, then it isn't wasted at all. You probably learned a whole lot during those 10 years - about yourself, about where you want to be better, and about what you will and will not tolerate. Your sense of self worth really shouldn't be so tied to your H's opinion of you (or anyone's opinion of you). I know it can be so hard to read that stuff and identify with the hard parts. That takes a lot of courage. Do it for you.
Why do I still wish for that chance for him to wipe the dust from his eyes and really look at me again?
Why are you doing it? Why are you so obsessed with H? You were in a relationship with a man who wasn't meeting your needs, who would irrationally blame you for anything that went wrong, and then cheated on you and lied to you. Why is that a prize worth making the focus of your waking attention?
The reason is that you are grasping to re-estabish a feeling of control over your life.
When H cheated/left she ripped your sense of stability away from you. From your perspective you didn't do anything to deserve it, you couldn't stop it from happening, and you couldn't put things back together afterwards.
That would make anyone feel totally out of control, spinning down the drain, and that is a horrible feeling! Throw in the fact that you are an admitted control freak and that magnifies everything tenfold.
You are trying to analyze and understand everything so that you can build it into a rational model so that it will never, ever happen to you again. If I can avoid doing X, then Y will never happen. In addition, you want to unlock this puzzle, to deconstruct it so you can find the solution that will allow you to rebuild it. Finding that key would provide immense comfort.
Your brain has convinced itself that getting H back, or getting H to apologize and declare a desire to have you back is the very best and fastest way to restore your feeling of being in control.
With the benefit of time and distance, you'll realize that's what it's really all about, it's about regaining the ability to feel in control of your life and your future. It really has very little to do with H or who he is as a person, he's a lever to get you what you want, but that's really just an illusion.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I accept the choices and actions that got me to my present state.
I'm already working toward a future that is different from what I imagined 1yr ago. It's going to be radically different but it is moving on.
And, by what I mean as a waste of 10yr is that this didn't have to end in D. I totally get his frustration and I totally see my mistakes. This was not beyond repair initially. But, I accept I do not control his choices.
I can move forward. I'm well educated and gainfully employed. I will still have a fantastic future. I've always been drawn to water but especially the ocean. Life on a boat for someone who hangs on to items from the past will be interesting. I'm not a hoarder but I still have my first babydoll, a beautiful wooden doll high chair mundo brought home when he was out of town when I was 5?, a lovely eskimo doll from Canada from my parents when they vaca there... even a pencil case from Cananda... I must have 7?. All that crap won't fit on a boat.. lol
I will always have regret that my M ended. No amount of therapy or reading will change that.
I will always have regret that my M ended. No amount of therapy or reading will change that.
This is what I don't get. I can see regretting ever marrying a lying cheater, but I don't get that after all he has put you through that you regret it ending. This is your second marriage, right? Do you still have regrets about the first one ending?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Food for thought: it's not a waste of 10 years, and I challenge you to change your mindset on that. If you learn and come out the other side a better person FOR YOURSELF, then it isn't wasted at all. You probably learned a whole lot during those 10 years - about yourself, about where you want to be better, and about what you will and will not tolerate.
Absolutely. I see so many LBS's say this, that their marriage was a waste of 5 or 10 or 20 or even 40 years. If it was such a waste then why did you stay in it that long? And why do you want your spouse back so badly? Because if the real truth be told, you enjoyed your marriage. And now it's over, but why call it a "waste" if you enjoyed it so much? Sure we all would have loved for our marriages to last longer, but for most of us our marriage had a beginning, a middle, and yes... an end. So see it for the great journey it was, and instead of lamenting the time spent on it, remember the great times with fondness while moving on to create new memories either alone or with someone else.
I've said this before but when my marriage ended, at the time I saw it as the end of my story. I would simply exist and persist, waiting for death's warm embrace. But.... then I started living life again. A very different life than before. And.... enjoying it. My roles changed, I was no longer husband, no longer father to small children (they grew up!) I shedded my codependency, found myself, grew, prospered. I came to realize marriage was NOT my story, it was simply a chapter in my story. When it ended, the page turned and a beautiful new chapter began.
What is the difference between me and people who are stuck being bitter, resentful, angry, confused, sad and/ or a number of other things after D? As Sam said, it's mindset. That's the not-so-secret secret to prospering after S and D. Change your mindset.
I will always have regret that my M ended. No amount of therapy or reading will change that.
This is what I don't get. I can see regretting ever marrying a lying cheater, but I don't get that after all he has put you through that you regret it ending. This is your second marriage, right? Do you still have regrets about the first one ending?
This is my first marriage.
I was in a long term long distance dating relationship with an unexpected pregnancy at the age of 32.
Was he a lying cheater when I married him? I don't feel he was. Could I have done things differently where he didn't feel so rejected, disrespected and neglected by me? I wish I did. Were his choices appropriate? NOPE. Can I sympathize with the amount of hurt he was carrying unbeknownst to me - I can. I'm not condoning his choices or his actions but I see his suffering.
Am I going to disregard 10yr of my life where he was a most wonderful husband because the last 5months he disrespected me??? That's like giving someone a life sentence for first time minor offense. Just because I don't vilify doesn't mean I condone his choice in actions OR have put him on a pedestal.
I will always carry regret for the loss of my M. I accept that how he proceeds forward is out of my control. I won't stand in his way but I will not do the hard work. HE MESSED UP - HE NEEDS TO CLEAN UP. Please confuse my regret over the end of my M to mean I worship him.
Food for thought: it's not a waste of 10 years, and I challenge you to change your mindset on that. If you learn and come out the other side a better person FOR YOURSELF, then it isn't wasted at all. You probably learned a whole lot during those 10 years - about yourself, about where you want to be better, and about what you will and will not tolerate.
Absolutely. I see so many LBS's say this, that their marriage was a waste of 5 or 10 or 20 or even 40 years. If it was such a waste then why did you stay in it that long? And why do you want your spouse back so badly? Because if the real truth be told, you enjoyed your marriage. And now it's over, but why call it a "waste" if you enjoyed it so much? Sure we all would have loved for our marriages to last longer, but for most of us our marriage had a beginning, a middle, and yes... an end. So see it for the great journey it was, and instead of lamenting the time spent on it, remember the great times with fondness while moving on to create new memories either alone or with someone else.
I've said this before but when my marriage ended, at the time I saw it as the end of my story. I would simply exist and persist, waiting for death's warm embrace. But.... then I started living life again. A very different life than before. And.... enjoying it. My roles changed, I was no longer husband, no longer father to small children (they grew up!) I shedded my codependency, found myself, grew, prospered. I came to realize marriage was NOT my story, it was simply a chapter in my story. When it ended, the page turned and a beautiful new chapter began.
What is the difference between me and people who are stuck being bitter, resentful, angry, confused, sad and/ or a number of other things after D? As Sam said, it's mindset. That's the not-so-secret secret to prospering after S and D. Change your mindset.
hmmmmm... I suppose a better term would be "such a loss of 10yr". Not meaning I threw those 10yr away but more that we both didn't put in the work to make it 20. That WE didn't have what it takes to work through this to other side and find that greater joy because we did.
I always thought we did but since I'm only recently getting a grip on my controlling tendencies and OCD issues. I always did ALL the cleaning, laundry and putting it away. Honestly I just really love doing laundry - I know what a freak I am. But, that says ---- I have to do it because I'm the only one that does it right. Why did it take getting my heart broke to really finally understand his frustration with me?
Either way I can't continue to dwell. It is what it is. It doesn't mean I won't move forward... it just means I'm still dealing with regret. Doesn't mean I'll stay that way forever.
Am I going to disregard 10yr of my life where he was a most wonderful husband because the last 5months he disrespected me??? That's like giving someone a life sentence for first time minor offense. Just because I don't vilify doesn't mean I condone his choice in actions OR have put him on a pedestal.
Weren't you here a year and a half ago too?
Don't be surprised when you find out that the first go around also involved an OW, either the same one or a different one.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Life on a boat for someone who hangs on to items from the past will be interesting. I'm not a hoarder but I still have my first babydoll, a beautiful wooden doll high chair mundo brought home when he was out of town when I was 5?, a lovely eskimo doll from Canada from my parents when they vaca there... even a pencil case from Cananda... I must have 7?. All that crap won't fit on a boat.. lol
I have a similar interest in sailing the ocean and have a similar tendency to hold on to sentimental stuff. Then a couple years ago I found a simple solution. Driving along the coast, way out in the boonies, I found a couple acres of land on a bay of water. Over an hour from the nearest town about 1000 people, so consequently relatively cheap at less than $20k. So now the plan includes a sailboat and a cheap piece of land where I can build a small coastal shack and concrete bunker. Hehehe.
Although I suspect that once I get close to actually purchasing that boat, then suddenly all that stuff will be just fine in memory and less important to physically keep. On the other hand, a concrete bunker might still be nice for the next zombie apocalypse....
