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KitCat Offline OP
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^^^^ AS

Thank you - I will pick up the Happiness Trap and start reading.

I woke up today to a text asking about the cable and he thought it was under his name. Its not - he is just authorized to have full access. It was hard explaining that back and forth so I just old him to call as where a couple of other business items.

He called and explained the cable bill - that is in my name and I pay for it. He has a sub-account under me and I will leave it for now so he has time to update his things with a different email.

Unfortunately it did not stick to just business items. There was small chit chat. My tone was even and I did not ask personal questions - only about the puppy. He talked extensively about the puppy - how much fun he as at the family farm with creek, how H hurt his shoulder on a 5mi walk when he wanted a squirrel, to how good and well behaved he was when H went camping last weekend. I asked - did you get a new tent? He said no used tarps - oh, okay.

I reminded him S18 Grad Party is X date. He said he thought he had a conflict and then looked at the calendar and realized he did not. But, then he went on to say he felt it would be awkward ( this is after months of telling me he had every intention to be there for S18). I let him know that only my mother knows our sitch and she has never said a word to anyone. I have been there for EVERYTHING with kids. I let him know that S18's own father will not come. His response "that's not a surprise".

I'm trying to accept that he will be a no show for something that he had been looking forward to for year in planning. But then H goes on to ask when S18 moves to college. I didn't have exact date handy. H went on to say that he would help move S18 into the dorm. WTH? You won't come to his Grad Party but want to help with this? Which I don't need his help for... ---we can manage without you.

I hate this. I really do. He went camping with OW. He has never said it but he feels he has more in common with her than we do... he isn't looking back. They just continue to bond.

Every bit of contact justs gets more akward. Makes me feel immediately bad.

I'm focusing on my weekend. I'm focusing on what I have and working to leave behind that which I don't. For some time I have felt this will not turn around. I need to dig in my heels and keep going forward and stop looking back.

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KC,

The fear has you paralyzed. You are so consumed with what he thinks about you and why he does certain things. It doesn't matter. It really doesn't. Let go of the expectations of him doing logical things. It is a waste of your time. One day, you will look back at this time and discover how much time you have wasted.

What are you afraid of? The worst has already happened. It is reality. The tighter you hold on, the longer it is going to take for you to be independently happy. When you get there, it will open a whole new world for you. Anything worthwhile, takes work. Get out of your own way.


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
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KK,

I am sorry you are struggling today. You still haven't learned that the stove is hot but you will eventually get there. Expectations are the number one enemy of the LBS. You need to accept that he is not looking back anytime soon and keep moving forward. The quote below has gotten me through some tough times.

“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that! I’m always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You’re my son and you’re my blood. You’re the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, ya ain’t gonna have a life.

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Hi KitCat,

Well, you touched the stove again. If something is too complicated to explain via text, use e-mail.

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80% of the day I'm really okay. I've been getting busy and doing my own thing and making plans that are only about me.

I've had time to wipe away my emotions. He is pulling back more from me, hence the retraction from coming to S18 party. I think he is worried about judgement from my family. My family will be nothing but kind to him and all smiles not to mention that only my mom knows.

I told him his mother is planning on coming - which must mean he didn't know this? Maybe knowing this he will come with her? I can't worry about it anymore.

He seems happy. Talked about taking a vaca to see his bff (was supposed to go earlier but COVID). If he truly feels this OW is a better match then I just have to be happy that he is happy.

He hasn't brought up financial order, attys or S/D in 5 weeks. I'm sure he is so happy to have his space and new life -- now that he no longer feels trapped there isn't any urgency to get it done. The line has been drawn in the sand with filing of the S but we literally have no agreement or are currently working on any agreement.

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with doing this party planning all on my own - getting rentals, getting it set up. My mom said she would help but not much response from her in regards to that. Why am I falling flat? I was always the most organized planned person --- but maybe that because I knew that H had my back. He was the one last summer stating we needed to do X, Y and Z for the open house. I feel like a fish out of water dealing with this.

I need to get to a place where if he doesn't do something or does something I could care less.

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NO MORE EXCUSES

It is what it is ---- I will stop having expectations

I just loaded my amazon cart with more reading. Not that I haven't done a ton already - per AS Happiness Trap.

But also picked up Boundaries in M, Love and Respect, The Empowered Wife and the lastly the one about How to Save M without Speaking.

I had such overwhelming feeling of shame this morning after getting off the phone. Though I did not beg, plead or pursue but still the whole thing reeked of desperation. When I get off the phone I feel all dirty and gross.

As much as I am GAL and 180s I'm a total disaster at LRT.

I know I cannot nice him back OR talk him back OR say here's what I learned - this is where I'm at with my self discovery. I get it now... I do... so I want you back so you can see the better version of me. JUST LOOK AT ME... don't look at her... LOOK AT ME.

I get its ridiculous. I really do.

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KitCat, cutting out live interactions helps immensely. To review--allow a few hours to elapse between responding to a text or e-mail. If another response is required, so is another pause.

Let me know if "The Happiness Trap" is a good read. I'm still working on the self-improvement, too. The other book sounds good too, but not particularly aligned with me as a non-wife. wink

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I just want to say thank you to everyone who has given support and firm hand.

I'm genuinely trying.

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Keep trying. One day, you'll succeed. I hope that it is today. And remember there's almost never an email or a text that requires a response.

-Spiral

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ANGER.... OVERWHELMING ANGER... SO MUCH ANGER

(at myself)

Ok Steve85 I'm back to reading more books. I read lots of books the last time I was at this but I've got a fresh new stack.

Its painful to read to read them. I'm just a blubbering hot mess. Reading my mistakes, understanding his side of things better, how to make real changes all in bold black and white but slightly blurry from the flow of tears.

My H is gone and not just moved out but moved on with the purchase of a house and a new life. I understand his frustration with me and that this was something brewing for many months so that it didn't take much of a catalyst to tip things to the breaking point.

It's like since that moment I've been working hard and slowing getting my sh*t together. I've made a lot of headway in discovering my mindset in the last 6-8 mo and I'm still a work in progress.

I fix those mismatch pieces in myself and work toward being a better partner --- my biggest issues were control and being dismissive... UGH. My control came from the best intentions, really. I never knew until a couple of months ago that left my partner feeling disrespected. I felt a punch in the gut with that... never knew... I thought I was being helpful. Same with the dismissive. I thought I was just being efficient and orderly... he felt never listened to.

Of course I can commit to making real and lasting changes. But, he will never see that. I just can't call him up and say 'hey I've got this all worked out and I'm better now.'

He's buried his pain in staying busy moving forward and giving all the love and affection he wanted to give to me to OW.

I'm here taking as many minutes as possible to work finding my weak spots and shoring them up... but to what end? Of course the changes will benefit ME. What a waste of 10yr if he chooses not to look back and see me that goddess he fell in love with again. I still love him. Of course, I can take this and move forward to whatever I do ---- right now my future plans are to sail the ocean with male bff of 40yr. I will survive and adapt.

Why do I still wish for that chance for him to wipe the dust from his eyes and really look at me again?

Last edited by KitCat; 06/17/20 12:19 PM.
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