Well I was gonna copy and paste it but I can’t figure out how to do that on my phone.
So... MrBrside I genuinely laughed for a solid minute straight. More red flags than a Chinese parade? Seriously I don’t know if you meant it to be that way but it caught my attention that’s for sure. And no I don’t ever want anyone to stop posting on my thread.
As far as the 2x4s and me choosing to ignore the parade. Idk. I guess I just don’t see it that way? I’m not interested in getting into a relationship. It’s just fun and flirty. I’m not going to have sex with her. I wasn’t looking at dinner as a date. But maybe I need to find out if she is. I’m seriously not looking for a relationship. I’m not looking for sex. Idk what the heck this would be ya know? I see your point though. I don’t flirt with my other female friends but I do with her. This is something to definitely talk about and bring up in IC today.
I’m seriously not getting attached to this woman. Not like that anyway. But than again, who’s to say I won’t in a week or a month. I am attracted to her and she’s a very cool relaxed person.
I’m not looking to jump into a relationship to detach. Actually my disgust for my W as a human being at this point is doing more for detachment than anything. And her complete lack of respect for herself, her children and what was our marriage has been the sprinkles, whip cream and cherry on top. Seriously...I was in her corner to her help and be a better person. But giving up again on a positive step...shows she still has no intention of being a mother that’s worth a darn. The moment I heard that, I shook my head said surprise surprise and stopped the conversation I was having dead in its tracks. I just didn’t care. It’s whatever when it comes to her. She’s just not a good person right now and I’m just apathetic to it.
I’m going to bring up your post and concerns and my “relationship” today in general as my topic of IC today. I think it’ll do me some good. I’ll post back tonight or tomorrow how that goes. But you definitely bring up some valid points. Maybe I am just lying to myself to be ok with my decisions. Or maybe as long as I’m having fun and not getting caught up it’ll be ok. We’ll see
Last edited by JosephS; 06/12/2003:37 PM.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Steve85 Sadly I don’t think my W will ever get the help she needs. I just don’t think she cares enough about herself or her kids to get it. And quite honestly I can’t wait around to see if she does. I have 5 kids to raise and a life to live. I will say I’m moving forward without her one way or another now. We aren’t friends, she needs to come off my insurance and I need to get this phone back to her.
As far as the other woman, as I stated above, I’m gonna bring it up in IC. See what the therapist thinks. But I just didn’t feel like it’s wrong to talk to her. It’s going on noon. Still haven’t heard from her today. And that’s not what a relationship would be like, and it doesn’t bother me. So we’ll see
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
I literally could feel your pain in your writing. I’m so sorry we are both going thru this destruction. But i am viewing it as another chance to live a happier healthier life. I’m trying to find a new normal. I’ve been thru a lot as have you. The lies and secrets they do nothing but upend and destroy. It’s almost like half the fun is being deceitful.
I’ll update what my IC tonight. I’m not interested in using anyone to make myself feel better or being used to make someone else feel better. And honestly I am not ready for a relationship. So we’ll see
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Steve85 Sadly I don’t think my W will ever get the help she needs. I just don’t think she cares enough about herself or her kids to get it. And quite honestly I can’t wait around to see if she does.
Agree 100%. That was really my point. Her issues are deep and are in need of intensive therapy. Likely something she would never agree to.
And I am glad to see you are not waiting around for her. Very healthy outlook to take. As well as your outlook that your priority is raising your kids.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well IC went very well yesterday. The doc thinks I need to keep doing what I am with the kids. Take them places, keep them happy and feeling like..well kids. Give them the best childhood I can. So I’m proud there.
She also thinks I’m avoiding working on myself and I’m using things as a distraction. She told me she doesn’t think I’m in a horrible place mentally but that I’m avoiding confronting the bad stuff that’s happened. She thinks I’m using this relationship that could potentially develop with D15 friends mom as away of moving on from my broken marriage without actually working through the damage that was done to me.
So with that in mind I did once again tell the other woman that we can’t talk or be friends and I need to work on myself.
Also I’ve decided to copy everything I need off my phone and get new ones. I’ll be returning my phone and the children’s phones to my STBXW. They are in her name and it’s time to give them back I think.
We’ll see what the future holds for me, but for now I think I need to focus on me. With the kids being gone this week I can really get into with myself.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
She told me she doesn’t think I’m in a horrible place mentally but that I’m avoiding confronting the bad stuff that’s happened. She thinks I’m using this relationship that could potentially develop with D15 friends mom as away of moving on from my broken marriage without actually working through the damage that was done to me.
Hi Joseph, did your IC give you an idea of how to actually work through the damage? Is it sort of just waiting until the pain subsides on its own, and doing nothing to interfere with that process like dating etc., until the process is complete on it's own? Did she give you anything to work on or any ideas on confronting this? I do know that working on one's self, one's past faults, 180's etc are part of the process of course, but confronting the bad stuff, the pain, and how to work through it........ just curious what advice she gave you regarding this if you can share.
Hi Job, got your message about posting my sitch, I know I am in moderation, thank you for your guidance, promise I will get to it.
Been around since Sept 2019. Will post my sitch soon.
She told me she doesn’t think I’m in a horrible place mentally but that I’m avoiding confronting the bad stuff that’s happened. She thinks I’m using this relationship that could potentially develop with D15 friends mom as away of moving on from my broken marriage without actually working through the damage that was done to me.
Hi Joseph, did your IC give you an idea of how to actually work through the damage? Is it sort of just waiting until the pain subsides on its own, and doing nothing to interfere with that process like dating etc., until the process is complete on it's own? Did she give you anything to work on or any ideas on confronting this? I do know that working on one's self, one's past faults, 180's etc are part of the process of course, but confronting the bad stuff, the pain, and how to work through it........ just curious what advice she gave you regarding this if you can share.
Hi Job, got your message about posting my sitch, I know I am in moderation, thank you for your guidance, promise I will get to it.
I’m a little hesitant to give out any advice just because IC is tailored specifically to me and my sitch. With that in mind, focus on yourself. I can’t tell you how important GAL is. It’ll do wonders for your self esteem and self image. And if you aren’t in IC don’t hesitate to go. This is my 2nd therapist. I really like this one far more than the 1st. So if you get one that doesn’t jive with you than find another one.
So honestly my biggest advice I can give you is obviously 180. Dig into some self help books. Read the DR if you haven’t. Go GAL and have some fun! And IC is a god send. I can read my sitch and tell when I was in it and when I wasn’t. Also read a lot of the people sitchs in here. There’s a gold mind of invaluable free information right on these forums. Also make a thread! Tells us about your situation. People are here and will help. Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed. We’re all here for the exact same reason. Our relationships fell apart and we needed help.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Journaling I’ve done much better than I thought I would with the kids being gone. I have really kept myself busy. Saturday night I worked.
Sunday I went to lunch with a high school friend. Than I went to a casino and played the slots with another friend. Actually won $300. So that was a nice time.
Monday I took a nice drive. Went to my brothers house with my grill and went swimming and made myself dinner. It was actually quite relaxing to be alone. Went home and watched 2 movies and went to bed.
Yesterday was actually pretty cool too. One of my better friends wives went to a pool by herself with 7 kids. My friend asked if I’d go sit with her, so I did. Spent a few hours there. Of course the lady I was talking to previously shows up with her children. She did wave but other than that nothing. Went to my other brothers that is in town and hung out with him in the evening. Had dinner and came home.
So all in all I’ve managed to stay busy which I’m proud of.
On the marital/wife front. I did tell her I wanna meet up over the weekend so I can give her the phones back. She was angry about this. Said it’s not fair. She’s gonna have to continue to pay for them regardless if anyone uses them or not. I said I knew but she didn’t pay for them last month anyway, and honestly it’s not my problem as she use to love to point out they’re in her name and she’s asked for them back several times anyway.
Than Monday at 7am she sends me screen shots of my Facebook post. (I was bragging about D15 and how when her mom walked out she was failing every single class and was on the verge of failing 9th grade, and how I got her report card she didn’t fail one class, and is onto 10th and how proud I was of her for overcoming everything) she’s very angry telling me it’s not appropriate to put on social media that she walked out. She didn’t walk out on her kids just me....I got about 5 texts in a row explaining how much of an a-hole I am for doing that. I did respond but honestly because I’m finding myself caring less and less and being scared to upset her less and less. I just said post was about D15 not you. I’m proud of her. I’m sorry if it upset you but at the same time if she can’t see that it was about D15 and her accomplishment than not my problem. She continued on and on and I just ignored it. I did ask her how she got the screenshot as according to her she doesn’t have a Facebook. (She still continues to deny it even though we literally found it. She claims someone else must have done it.) she said a friend sent it to her. The screen shot was from a browser btw. Not the app. So I’ve learned she’s keeping the app off her phone and looking at my Facebook the moment she wakes up. (No friend is sending this). I also learned my privacy settings where not where they needed to be. So you can no longer find my by email or phone numbers. And my posts are going to be private to friends only. I let her know I changed my settings so she could no longer keep tabs on me. Her response, oh so now you can talk as much $*it on me as you want and I’ll never know. Yeah ignored that one.
Yesterday she sent a text asking about the tax return and her share. I just said I’ve paid your car payment, cell phone bill, car insurance and every other marital bill we’ve had for 3 plus months. You haven’t paid any support for 3 plus months. I’m keeping your share. (It’s not a huge return by any stretch and keeping her share really just pays me back for 2 car payments and a cell phone bill.) She got angry about that. Said I’m not the more an she married because I didn’t care about money before. I just said ok. At lunch time she sends a pic of a typed up letter with an envelope someone sent her in the mail saying they talked to me and how could she have left me for some one that much younger and how she hit her kids and they hope she didn’t hit the OMs kids. And she’s going to hell. My phone starts ringing I don’t answer. It hits me while reading this. No one sent her this. Very few people out of my friends and family know details and I’ve told absolutely no one the OM has kids. The OM either sent this to her to get her angry with me, or she sent it to herself. I really hope one day she gets the help she so desperately needs.
Today I woke to a hello, can we talk please. I just responded with a no.
It’s actually been freeing in a way to talk to her more often. It shows me who she really is and how much of a mess her life has been. How much of a mess she’s become. She never really seems happy. Like ever.
I’m proud how far I’ve comes down with the kids gone and enjoying themselves on vacation it’s really allowed me a chance to work on me. And de-stress. It’s been a huge blessing and I can see and think clearer than I have been able too. I needed this and didn’t know it.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
