Thank you all. I can check my emotions without a problem. I can negotiate a settlement without an issue. I just dont want to. I have been married to her long enough to know what the courts do and I can read the law and court rules. I do ask questions and seek help when I need it and my attorney will look it all over to make sure it is fair. None of the law stuff is a problem.
The problem I have is the final decision to settle. I know it is wrong no matter how equitable the agreement is.
I am willing to wait for however long it takes to work on myself, then work together, I just dont understand how I can fight for our marriage by agreeing to settle it. that is the catch 22 I am in.
There is nothing logical about saying I dont think our marriage is irretrievably broken and then pushing for a settlement. I dont understand it.
am I allowed to post a draft response to the threads?
I got the book today ... starting to go through it.
Thanks again for all the support and encouragement.
The dilemma you face in one we all had to face. The fact that it takes two to make a marriage, and only one to end a marriage. So you do not get the final say on whether or not the D will be "settled", she does. Protecting yourself, making sure the D settlement is fair and equitable, doesn't mean you are okay with the D, or think it is the right move. It is a recognition that without two committed spouses willing to work on the MR, there is no MR. I see LBWs struggle with this more than LBHs, but can you really claim what you have at the moment is a marriage? You haven't given us lots of details but it sounds like you are both are physically separated right now, correct? And she has made allegations of physical abuse against you?
So at some point you have to ask, what are you trying to save? All you can do is protect yourself, and hope and wait she comes to her senses. But if she wants the D, then she is going to get the D. And not protecting yourself to make sure you don't get completely screwed in the D is not going to stop that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The confusing part is she didn't ask for a D only a S. We are in even more limbo than if she just filed for D. I could accept that as her decision and just move on but this is way, way, worse. I don't want to step on a mine either way. I don't want to blow it up and I don't want to cause her to stumble. It is more confusing and I am left not knowing which way to go.
She believes a lie that never happened. I can't change her perspective and make her see the truth of what happened. I know she has to come to that on her own. I believe that because she didn't file for D she doesn't fully believe the tings she is telling herself. She has abuse in her past from before we married and I would never abuse her. Her father doesn't even fully believe her. She has accused me since we first married 20 years ago. I don't understand it. I don't have to. I just don't know how to respond appropriately. which is not like me. I normally just make a decision and move on. This is torture for me, our family, there is no end in sight until she pulls the trigger and converts the S into a D or we R.
Remember, it isn't a D or R equation. You can D and still R. Happens all the time. So don't look at D as being so final.
And it is very common for WAS to rewrite history. My W on BD had never been happy once in almost 19 years. I knew that was a bunch of hogwash, but arguing wither her about it was completely useless. Once a WAS/WS has convinced themselves that their version things is the truth, no amount of reasoning with them will help. Just know that there is truth that is objective, no matter what they claim. Some will believe them. Some will not. You cannot control any of that, so don't try.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I agree completely with not even trying to change her perception / version of events. I lost that battle already when the court awarded an order of protection without basis, only on her allegation which made no sense at all.
Now our teenage daughter is in weekly counseling and I am not allowed to know anything about it since she has her privacy rights. She is going to have to repeat her school work because she is not turning it in and I have turned one of the two days I get to see her into a study hall, its fun for me to watch her learn but I dont understand why it has to be like this. Nothing makes any logical sense to me anymore.
There is no justice here.
How am I supposed to fight for our marriage when I cant fight for our marriage.
Hopefully there are some answers in the book I am going to read tonight. I cannot keep ignoring her attorney and the court. I am going to have to respond at some point if not at the hearing.
I agree completely with not even trying to change her perception / version of events. I lost that battle already when the court awarded an order of protection without basis, only on her allegation which made no sense at all.
Now our teenage daughter is in weekly counseling and I am not allowed to know anything about it since she has her privacy rights. She is going to have to repeat her school work because she is not turning it in and I have turned one of the two days I get to see her into a study hall, its fun for me to watch her learn but I dont understand why it has to be like this. Nothing makes any logical sense to me anymore.
There is no justice here.
How am I supposed to fight for our marriage when I cant fight for our marriage.
Hopefully there are some answers in the book I am going to read tonight. I cannot keep ignoring her attorney and the court. I am going to have to respond at some point if not at the hearing.
What is the DB strategy for that?
Thanks again!
Mando, you've not given us a lot of details, so it is kind of hard to comment. You want to read some other people's first post to see the kind of background and context that helps us see what the dynamics have been in your sitch.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
There is almost too much information on this board, It is a little overwhelming in a good way.
It is. Absorbing as many options as possible and making positive changes to your behavior is a challenge. My divorce was 10 years ago, and I still have to pause, think about all the choices on how to respond, then attempt to pick what I believe is the best choice for the current interaction. Be it with my X, my current lady, one of my children, or a co-worker. When in doubt, you can defer. "I am not sure. I need time to think about that. I will let you know when I have decided."
Listening and validating are two skills to master. Read the validation thread.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
