Short summary: When I originally joined the board back in Feb 2018 I was in bad place. I choose my pseudonym "Getting There" to describe my healing journey and as a goal to eventually be in a place of inner happiness and strenght. This journey is naturally a lifelong one, but I would say that I have reached the goal I set to myself nearly two years ago. I remember thinking that I want to be in a place where I am honestly free from thoughts of getting back together. Now I am there.
I received great advises and this forum really was my backbone at the time. I still come back regularly to see what you guys are up to, especially curios always of J9 since it seemed back in the days that what happened to him first, happened to me 6-9 months after haha:)
But this is my first post for a while, and I would really love to hear your feedback on this one!
I (41 yo) have dated beautiful loving woman (34 yo) for a 9 months now, 7 exclusive. We have been very attracted to each other the whole time, but since I have really loved my journey, I have not been in any kind of rush. We have seen each other 1-2 times a week on average. She has been quite fine with that as well, but lately she has brought up more and more concerns about us being emotionally distant when we don´t see each other and that maybe I don´t care of her that much or maybe I don´t even have time for relationship at all. Maybe I have been too cold fish for too long?
Well, she moved to a new place couple of months ago and maybe a month ago told me that her new neighbour has expressed romantic wishes against her. She explained that she told him that she is seeing a great guy and according to her conversation stopped there.
Well, after hearing that I became – surprise, surprise – a bit unsecure and needy. I have tried not to express that to her and have done quite good job there. After I heard that the neighbour had also offered my girlfriend a job and in other occasion explained a business idea he would like her to join I said that “sounds that your neighbour really wants you in her life somehow”. She replied that she needs to keep her eyes open but that she have made perfectly clear to him that she is not single. After this we had one more conversation around this topic in good spirit and that´s it.
However, my GF has 10 years old daughter who likes to play with this neighbours son and they are interacting quite much around this and on some matters related to house. He really is helping her out but my GF says he is like that with everyone. He has also created close relationship with my GF´s daughter and my GF speaks warmly of that. I don´t feel good that my GF who feels I´m distant spends that much time with the neighbour who is romantically interested in him. I don´t actually know how much they spend time together in the evenings, and I have not asked since I felt it would come out needy.
Problem is, that they are neighbors and their kids come along really well so I really can´t expect all interaction to just stop. And I definitely don´t want to control her. But at the same time I don´t feel safe when this goes on. Should I just continue to focus on myself and being her best option or should I say something along the lines of: “It sounds that you spend quite much time with your neighbor. It feels a bit funny to me that my girlfriend spends more time with another man who is romantically interested in her than with me. How do you feel about that?”
I don´t want to make her feel I´m controlling her, but at the same time I am tempted to address this somehow. What do the board say?
1) Don't say that to her - puts you in a needy position. You need to project confidence.
2) There's an old saying: "Hold your friends close, and your enemies closer". Not saying this guy is your enemy (or not even necessarily your rival). But if he's interested in your girl and has this much contact with her, it should be a priority for you to meet him. Maybe you'll find out he's a great, neighborly guy and you can be friends. Maybe you'll think he's a snake in the grass and have to keep an eye out. But the more you yourself are present in her life and not just an abstract statement that she makes, the better your position.
Now - all that being said - you've only been dating 9 months and she already is complaining that seeing you twice a week isn't enough? Is that because you're not a good communicator the rest of the time? Do you text or call her most days? Or is contact limited to around your dates? Have you been to her new home? (Or is she - wisely - keeping her dates separate from her daughter?) Do you make an effort to show her that she is special to you?
The most important thing to remember - if she were to pick another guy over you this early in the relationship (not saying she would, but if your fear came true) then she is simply not the one for you. Better to find out now.
Yo G I remember you. Nice to see other people popping on here to show life goes on. Sounds like she’s being a little manipulative and $hit testing you. My guess is if something was up she wouldn’t have brought him up. Be playful and tease her about it in a confident way.
Ks right. If she goes for him then she wasn’t the right one for you.
Hi guys, Thanks so much of your words, feels great to have people who have understanding of the relationship dynamics in my corner!
Approach that you outlined was the one I thought to be right in my head as well, but boy my feelings got me there. It´s so funny to realize how my system still works I see. Our relationship has been a textbook example of Coach book so to say, her initiating majority of the contact and me setting the dates. It´s been really easy for me as well since I lead pretty full life around kids, my own projects and work. Naturally I have showed affection towards my gf and we have shared super nice moments. I even remember thinking a month ago if I actually even want to settle yet...
But in a moment I found out about the neighbor interested in her some old familiar fears of rejection came on. And it´s not that I´m surprised other guys are interested in her, she is beautiful and has a good energy. I know very well that pure love is free and based on giving, not getting. Still these needy feelings of mine got me off guard. Since my divorce through my healing process I have said to all my friends that I have learned to tolerate uncertainty (was not my strong side before), but it´s very interesting to see how I still have work to do there. It´s interesting to notice how I want to proceed so much faster now with my gf and even would like to lock her up with some kind of commitment. All driven by my fears and intolerance of uncertainty. Thankfully I came to the board with my needy thoughts and feelings to gain some clarity.
This is the first time in my new relationship having these feelings of jealousy and maybe this is particularly difficult with me now, since I experienced so strong feelings of rejection in my divorce.
Kml:
Originally Posted by kml
Now - all that being said - you've only been dating 9 months and she already is complaining that seeing you twice a week isn't enough? Is that because you're not a good communicator the rest of the time? Do you text or call her most days? Or is contact limited to around your dates? Have you been to her new home? (Or is she - wisely - keeping her dates separate from her daughter?) Do you make an effort to show her that she is special to you?
Maybe I have been a bit too much of a cold fish when we don´t see each other at her home, at mine or somewhere else once a week in average. She always says we have a great connection when we meet in person. She is really much around the scene of conscious relationships and emotional connection. But that she feels is that we are quite distant the rest of the time. I think we call and text enough, but her need in connection is stronger than mine. I have since tried to open up more also via phone, but trying not to come from a place of neediness since I don´t want to give her a feeling I´m just opening up because of competition, even though it has been a big reason for me - autch - still have work to do in projecting confidence.
L: Thanks, I also remember you and your brilliant, concise and confident comments! Life really goes on and amazing how much have I learned so far:) Probably testing yes, but the idea of gf who feels I´m distant spending time with romantically interested neighbor is not nice.
Originally Posted by LH19
Ks right. If she goes for him then she wasn’t the right one for you.
This is so true. I´m just a bit confused with this new situation and my emotional, fearful reaction towards it. I need to practice in tolerating uncertainty and be that safe, stable confident guy that she feels safe with.
Thanks again of your thoughts, without them I would have certainly expressed my concern about the neighbor, the feelings were so strong! Now I´m going to meet him in person instead one of these days and see what kind of guy he is all about.
Thanks for your input! As coach I refer to Corey Wayne who promotes self-reliant, confident approach as a man.
Out of curiosity, what would you guys personally view as “crossing the line” what it comes to interaction with the neighbor? When would you say “I’m not cool with that”?
Would it be her hanging at his place without her daughter, maybe having a cup of coffee or glass of wine? Or would it be her going somewhere with him (and maybe his kids) as “neighbors” like hiking or to the beach etc?
Would it be her hanging at his place without her daughter, maybe having a cup of coffee or glass of wine? Or would it be her going somewhere with him (and maybe his kids) as “neighbors” like hiking or to the beach etc?
Would be great to hear your take on that.
I think what you should do first is try to meet the neighbor so you can get a sense of what you are dealing with in regards to their interactions. It may be strictly platonic.
I think that trust is a difficult thing to have especially after a marriage breakdown because of cheating.
Trust though is, in my mind a necessary part of any long term relationship - so - a bit of a catch 22.
A lot of people stay single after divorce because they are completely unable to trust again.
If you trust this woman and she has no issues with you meeting her neighbour and everything is fine then you don't have a lot to worry about. As you know, when the secrets and the lies start - that's where trust ends.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hi GettinT, my GF meets a guy friend for coffee. She met him weekly, before we were together, and monthly now. Years ago, just after she and I became exclusive, he worked up the nerve to ask her out, and she rejected him. My worry level? 1 out of 10. If our relationship is stable, he's no threat. If our relationship is fragile, everyone's a threat.
Originally Posted by GettinT
Would it be her hanging at his place without her daughter, maybe having a cup of coffee or glass of wine?
Visiting his home and drinking alcohol with him alone would make me uncomfortable.
Originally Posted by GettinT
It's interesting to notice how I want to proceed so much faster now with my gf and even would like to lock her up with some kind of commitment.
I assume you two have at least committed to exclusivity.
Wow guys, thanks for everyone´s input - I think you literally saved my a## with this one!
So gf sent this message to me today:
"Hi Love! It´s been such a lovely day - nice work, long phone conversations with (two female friends) and now glass of sparkling with a good book at my terrace:) Got also invitation to have another glass with (neighbors name) and the kids this evening. We talked with my friends about some fears of mine that have came through from past in our relationship. It was very helpful, since now I feel more self love and more ready to be yet more open to myself and you. You are in my heart, love you (heart)"
I had such strong emotions earlier around this "friendly neighbor"-topic that having had this message before your comments I most likely would have reacted from the place of insecurity. Maybe I would have answered something along the lines of "it doesn`t feel good that you visit your neighbors house without your daughter" etc.
Now I simply replied that "It´s great to hear that you had such a good day! I´m interested in hearing more of your findings when we meet (we have a date tomorrow) to be able to understand you a little better and deeper again. Have a great summer night, enjoy love!"
It still doesn´t feel like a good idea that she has a drink at his place, but my anxiety levels have dropped substantially them being now around 2 out of 10 while they were like 8 out of 10 before I got support from you grounded guys.
We both have committed to exclusivity and I don´t have any reason to doubt her trustworthy. But my plan is now to try to meet this guy in the near future to sense check his energy.
Yet again, thanks for your comments and if you have any further notices I´m happy to hear them:)
I am going to make a suggestion here, and it is probably not what you are going to want to hear.
While your GF has told you she is not interested in the guy and claims she told him she is not interested....... I would be concerned that she is giving off the vibe that she might be open to his advances.
As we know, when we meet a women that is in a serious fulfilling relationship she does not give off any vibes to be approached romantically.
I was married to an extremely pretty woman. When we were happily married, no men even approached her. She didn't give off any vibe that she would be interested at all. As the marriage deteriorated I noticed men approaching her, and her being open to it. A number of emotional affairs started at that point.
I have been down this road before... and I hope my comments don't do anything except raise a red flag. If your lady wants to have a glass of wine she can come have that with you. I don't get any warm feelings thinking about her at his place drinking wine with all the kids running around etc.
Remember affairs don't start in bed... they start with conversations......
Sorry to post the unpopular opinion
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
Men don’t pursue women unless the vibe is there. Any advances are easily shot down through body language, eye contact, words by a committed woman. If a man continues to pursue, its because he wasn’t shut down. There’s Typically a detached disconnect that becomes awkward small talk when your interacting with a male that you have to interact with because he’s the father of your kids friend. Typically - Not a fun time where you get invited over for wine.
I would only want to be in a relationship where I don’t feel anxiety and where I am comfortable enough to be vulnerable with someone. All women are different. Some of them fall for techniques that the coach preaches. For me, personally it would have been a turn off and I went for the guy that showed me how interested he was in me.
