Me: 37 / W: 39 Married: 10 years / Together: 22 years D: 21 S: 20
So about 8 weeks ago I felt my wife being distant so I asked her what was going on, she says she needs space and I got the ILYBNILW speech well actually she says she's "scared she's not in love with me" and before I know it she's out the door and moving in with my daughter. 24 hours later I get a phone call saying its over where the next bomb is dropped and that there is someone else (a co-worker) that she has "feelings" for that she has been texting since December 19 so the EA is uncovered.
About a week later she came back and we had a terrible week as we where both unprepared for what was going on. The emotions ruled and I smothered her and we where intimate and that was the end of that week and she moved back into my daughters.
Now how did we get here well after the last 8 weeks we grew apart and honestly things like work which was 7 days a week and often until quite lat 9am to 11pm as I am self employed and so we never had much time together. We always had issues between us about money as I would spend it (never to the point we could afford it) but i'd spend it and she'd want to pay all debts all off and ignored that and continued in that behaviour so she grew to resent that. She was handling the billings and so juggling the money. I was often quite grumpy due to the long hours and I myself could feel us growing apart and yet I didn't get off my *ss an do anything about it. I lost my Mum to a short battle to cancer a few years ago and it just messed me up.
Understand this I have not and never will condone what she has done in terms of the affair and I have told that is on her. I do understand however the circumstances in may what have lead up to this but it was her decision to cross the line.
Where are we now? I have recognised my failure as a husband and I have explained to her I understand that that I didn't care for her needs and she did not feel listed to and I have apologised for that. I have sold many of the gadgets that I bought and I have paid of 90% of our debts, I have also started to exercise and have lost 3st and am in much better shape both physically and mentally for a while. I was always a night owl and have stopped staying up late and now go to bed earlier to ensure I am getting better sleep which I am (maybe the odd wake up) and again that is helping mentally.
Initially my wife said it was over but a few things happened that got us together and we've ended up talking and over the last few weeks we've went back and forth and during a "heart to heart" she tells me that they have now had sex and its devastated me as I wanted to try and prevent that, but she seems to justify that with the old Ross and Rachael argument (but that only happened when we where separated). I've taken a few weeks to process that and decide what I want and I do want to save my marriage but at the moment my wife is not so sure and she is telling me she is not sure what she wants. I've learned pretty quickly that trying to talk to her about things or ask her about us is pushing her away so I have stopped all that. I have told her I want to save the marriage and that I am working on myself to make myself a better husband and that she has a safe and forgiving place to come back to should she wish to do so. I do not want to "convince" her as such I want her to make that decision herself so that I know that she is committed.
At the moment I have no idea what the status is with the OM and if she is still texting him, I do know they are not seeing each other outside of work at the moment and most days except a Tuesday my daughter has lunch with my wife. So if she had been seeing him more casually I believe my daughter would have mentioned it.
I know the stance of the board seems to be to do a 180 and drop all contact but I am just not sure that is the route to go in this situation and while it feels somewhat beneath me to "compete" with the OM I look more at it as giving my wife a chance to reconnect with me again (the person she fell in love with). Of course that is just my opinion and hence the reason for the post to see what others make of it that are more experienced in this sort of thing.
Last edited by job; 06/04/2007:02 PM. Reason: edited language
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
The biggest problem for most people in this scenario is the feeling that you've lost control over your life and your future.
For years you've lived by a certain set of rules -- that if you're a good husband, you can count on your wife supporting you.
Because you're married, your relationship is a source of stability in your life.
etc. etc.
When that's suddenly ripped away and you can't understand (a) what you did to make it fall apart so suddenly, (b) why the person who used to be your partner seems to have had a complete personality change and (c) why you can't seem to do anything to make it better, it is totally destabilizing.
Your brain doesn't like this instability, and it doesn't like the unavailability of a remedy at all! Its panic-inducing.
Because of this lack of control and the fear that comes with it, you desperately, desperately want to regain your feeling of control and stability.
Your brain convinces you that the quickest way to do that is to get your wayward spouse back. If you can do that, then all the old rules still apply and there was just a temporary blip on the radar.
As a result, your brain will compel you to want to pursue, and everything else is a justification to allow you to do what you want.
Step back and look at some of these situations -- a person's wife cheats on them for years with several OM's. If that comes to light, a rational person would say "this woman has issues" and head the other way right? But in reality, we see time and again that the LBS convinces themselves that this cheater is the best person in the world, and they want to have them back more than anything.
WHY? Because the loss of control is devastating. The loss of control is something our brains can't process or tolerate.
If you see this in yourself, that you have lost your feeling of control, then you can come to the conclusion that this is what you need to deal with, not what your wife does or doesn't do.
What can restore that sense of control?
1) Set goals for yourself and hit them. (Get in shape, do an improvement project around the house, learn to play an instrument)
2) Interact with others. Volunteer, join a club, a little positive validation from other humans will do wonders
3) Talk to a therapist or a DB coach. You have a lot of feelings to work through, keep walking the road.
The number one challenge people have on DB is that they WANT to pursue because they want their control back, so despite knowing they shouldn't, they invent viable excuses to justify it to themselves and then do it anyway. (You think your situation is different. It is not.)
Lack of self control is the #1 enemy of DB. If self control were easy, no one would smoke, drink, or be overweight. Its very hard, but that's what it takes to turn things around, commitment to being counter-intuitive and fighting your impulses.
Going the other way is the *only* thing that may effect a woman like that.
I often tell people, the shortest path back together is a straight line in the opposite direction.
The very best path is the minute your partner says they want out you smile, say "good luck with that", hand them a box of their stuff, and go live a kick-@ss life of your own.
Welcome to the board. Sorry you find yourself here, I am sure you are feeling lost and unsure. Probably not eating or sleeping well. But the folks here can help you.
I do want to get a clarification before i weigh in. Am I seeing it right that you had a daughter at 16, and a son at 17? And your W was 18 and 19 respectively?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So around mid April 2020 I started to feel as though my wife was pulling away from me and I asked her about it. She tells me we need to spend some time apart so she can think, I totally did not see this coming and was totally blindsided by it. I asked her why she was feeling that way and all I got was the ILYBINILWY speech and not much more and she walked out to stay at her sisters.
Fast forward the next day and I speak to her on the phone and she tells me she is done that she has feelings for someone else, and there isn't anything I can say to change it. I had a thought of who this person was and I asked her and she confirmed, its a guy she works with.
I went into free fall and done all the stupid things that I now know better not to do, I pleaded and begged BUT she decided to come back and it lasted about week and it was pretty awful as I tried smothering her with love and attention and it was just too much with all the raw emotions we where just not read and had hardly discussed anything.
Having spent about a month apart things started to trickle out that she had been texting the co-worker as "friends" and "tried" to tell me but I am under no illusion that there has at the very least been an EA ongoing at this point. I again started all the pleading and begging (again I don't know any better, not educated myself yet) and at this point she says its finished and there is no going back. I start looking at mobile bills and find that the two of them have been texting since around December 2019 and I confront her, she says we are over what does it matter I am going to be seeing OM.
Over the course of May 2020 I try to open up some communication with her to find out whats lead to this. She tells me I am selfish and that she'd had enough of my spending and that I had taken her for granted. This is the part of the story where I will accept my faults and say that this is true I was a spender and she had to juggle the bills because of it but we never spent beyond our means and never spiralled into debt not that its an excuse. We where in a power struggle with money where I would buy something and she'd want to pay it off straight away using every penny we had leaving us with little money for the rest of the month. I worked pretty hard, infact 7 days a week at one point as I am self employed so there was little time for us. I got fixated on buying a new car and bugged her about it, she got unwell with what we thought was Covid-19 and once recovered I bugged her again about the car (after she had recovered). I think for her this was the last straw and she was down and eventually told OM about her feelings (sometime Feb) and he said he felt the same way.
At this point I now understand why our marriage is struggling and start the old pick me dance. I clean up house by selling all the gadgets and things I had bought and cleared off our credit cards and a small loan we had. I start putting money into the bank and saving it, she starts to see the difference and we talk again only for me to find out that they have now been physical (to be honest I was deluded I could prevent that from happening certainly with how I was handling this situation) and we go our separate ways until around start of June.
Around start of June she phones and says she wants to give us another go (again I just accept that and I am happy we're going to try working it out) and I ask her what changed and she says I can see the changes your making and I am not seeing a future with the OM (he is 15yrs her senior if that matters) so she moves back in. I know I know a mistake as there was no real remorse or conversation BEFORE about what that looks like. The first three days she is loving and affectionate and sending me texts about the fact shes made her decision. There are problems however as she still works with OM and will not switch jobs (that left me a total insecure wreck), she is not wearing her ring and she has made alternative transport arrangements to work (I usually take her) and yes again I know these are all RED flags that this is not a proper attempt at R. Ultimately I feel with these things she is not really commited and the weight I feel I am carrying is too much and we end up in an argument and she leaves again (this time we lasted two weeks together). Of course after she has stormed off and we're over she said I did apply for a new job and she showed me on the phone and I ask her WHY did you not say this, didn't she realise this would have helped me feel that there was some commitment to trying and she just says I didn't want you to go on about it. I have been telling her the last few weeks don't you realise I am NOT a mind reader and if you sit me down and talk to me about things and how you where feeling we could have avoided all of this pain (that is her fault that she never did sit me down and say this is where we are at and this might be what happens) so we had no chance to try and sort anything when the marriage actually meant something to her. She says she tried and maybe she did and I didn't listen. Its tragic really.
So that brings us to today where I believe she is now currently actively dating the OM, oh and by the way our Anniversary was on Thursday 9th July and of course she wanted nothing to do with it. Says we are over (which of course we are at the moment if she is "dating" OM) so that was a painful day to say the least but made it through.
Right now I seem to be the bad guy and our whole marriage has been terrible and if only I had listened things could be different (maybe thats true), now she apparently wants to remain "friends". Despite the fact I am looking inward at my faults and who I am and trying to change for the better it seems she doesn't want to know and doesn't want to acknowledge any of her faults, and has simply given up on us. She is distant and cold and simply comes across and uncaring of what this is doing to me. Infact she took great exception at me calling what she is doing an Affair and said they where only sexual while we where separated and that seems to appease her guilt (of course I don't know how shes feeling but that is what it seems). There is no real sense from her at the level of betrayal I feel in both the EA and then the leading PA.
So here comes the crazy part could I forgive I believe I could ONLY because I know the issues in the marriage lead to this point. NOW don't take this statement as its what caused her affair because that is 100% on her and she chose that and is still actively choosing that right now and thats not what I am saying but her being unhappy in marriage has played its part.
Do I hope for R yes I do and right now I have just backed away from this situation in order to concentrate on me and my mental health. I have no idea what this new relationship for her will bring and if it will last so I need to move forward while holding out a little hope but with no expectations but it bloody hurts like hell. Trying to get the day started is a nightmare as I always feel worse in the morning but I have got myself in shape the last few weeks but finding it hard to sleep, tend to fall asleep okay but wake up in the middle of the night or really early morning.
I've tried everything I can to turn this situation around other than now back off and try and get on with this and get my own self respect back. She says she doesn't want a divorce as its messy and wants to protect our house for our children and frankly neither do I, I feel its too soon. We couldn't get one anyway as in the UK we must be separated for a period of time before we can apply for divorce. Luckily I can afford our joint mortgage alone and keep the house we've worked so hard for together so I have home comforts at the very least.
It goes against everything I know just to back off because of course I am a fixer but I know that its what needs to be done until she is ready to try and work on our marriage properly, if she ever decides that what she wants. I myself have decided that I will give this six months before I take any "next" steps (whatever that means) so that there is enough time for me to be able to do things without emotions and to see where this new relationship with them goes (it could end in disaster and she realises what a fool shes been, it could turn into something real) again I am trying to have no expectations.
Lack of self control is the #1 enemy of DB. If self control were easy, no one would smoke, drink, or be overweight. Its very hard, but that's what it takes to turn things around, commitment to being counter-intuitive and fighting your impulses.
Very well said.
Another thing to commit to is personal growth. If you are like the rest of us you need to learn some very important skills and make huge changes to your behavior and the way you interact with her (and most likely all women in general).
I have read your story hundreds of times. You understand that talking will not win her back. You are ahead of most.
I believe "the fear of losing you" has the best odds of changing her mind. She is making decision based off of emotions. You need to fight this battle with logic. That is why I say what works is counter-intuitive.
Theses are a couple of my mantras:
1) I will not share my woman with another man. 2) I will not be with a woman who does not want to be with me. 3) All if fair in love and war.
I want you to attract your wife back and rebuild your marriage.....you have a lot of work to do and the odds are against you. Letting her go does not mean giving up. Everything is counter intuitive. Time is on your side. This process takes a long time, but do not waste your time.
Set her free. Set yourself free. Be happy without her. Enjoy everyday.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I am just so shocked about how cold she has become and just seems to have no interest in the marriage whatsoever. All thats on her mind right now is being with this new guy and that relationship.
Shes only concerned with his feeling and is saying he was miserable when she broke up with him for the two weeks she came back with me. Seems to have absolutely no idea what this is doing to me!
At the moment we have the odd text (at most twice a week) about finance matters or something related to the family but no other contact than that. The situation seems dire as she says we are done and she isn't coming back and her feelings have gone for me. Its so hard to decide if thats really true or if those feelings are just buried underneath the anger she has with the problems she's convinced herself our marriage had AND from the high of this AP.
Sorry things seemed to have turned for the worse for you. When people get into affairs, it's a very stark mixed bag of feelings. For one, getting loads of positive attention from a member of the opposite sex is intoxicating, it's really like a drug. Then, there's the accompanying feeling of guilt knowing that they are doing something wrong.
Rather than get angry at themselves, they think "why am I feeling guilty? It's because of HIM, HE'S making me feel guilty"
Then, you become the bad guy, and they look to reinforce their argument that "you are making them do this" by searching for any negative things that you do, re-writing your history so it was always bad, etc. etc. etc.
It's a very predictable and repeatable pattern unfortunately, and the things your wife is saying and how she is acting are no different.
The prescription is really the same - the guilt she feels over her A is yet another reason she resents you, so anything you do to guilt her, shame her, or make her responsible for your sadness is going to increase her guilt and therefore increase her resentment.
Your best bet is to go the opposite direction and give her more space than she wants. The DB prescription is (1) 180: whatever she assumes she knows about you, demonstrate that it's not true. If you used to get angry and honk in traffic, don't do that even in the worst scenario, etc. (2) Get a Life: go out and do things with other people and enjoy your life, establish new relationships, (3) Act as If: Act as if everything is 100% awesome in your life.
There is NOTHING you can do about her affair partner or what she's going to do next. You can only control what you're going to do next.
People often fear that if they go in the other direction, are they telling their partner they don't care, or giving their tacit approval for the affair to continue, or how will they demonstrate that they're different if the other person doesn't see them, etc. etc.
The answer to all of that is "NO" -- the answer is to give space, not pursue, and all it means is that you're giving space. There's nothing else to read into it.
There are problems however as she still works with OM and will not switch jobs (that left me a total insecure wreck).. Ultimately I feel with these things she is not really commited and the weight I feel I am carrying is too much and we end up in an argument and she leaves again (this time we lasted two weeks together). Of course after she has stormed off and we're over she said I did apply for a new job and she showed me on the phone and I ask her WHY did you not say this, didn't she realise this would have helped me feel that.. I have been telling her the last few weeks don't you realise I am NOT a mind reader and if you sit me down and talk to me about things..
Hi WMWB,
I'm sorry you're here and that your wife is back with her affair partner.
You can get through this. Many of us are rooting for you.
At the same time you go 180 in the other direction the way LH describes, I don't know if you realize this, but you blame your feelings on her: "THAT left me a total insecure wreck." and "THIS would have helped me feel that." You're putting it on her to manage your emotions. Then you blame your actions on your feelings: "The weight I feel I am carrying is too much and we ended up in an argument." You sound like a man out of control. It's time to own your feelings and actions so you don't get the way of your own success. It must be frustrating to learn she was taking the steps you wanted (changing jobs), but the "weight" you felt you were carrying was "too much" and you "ended up" arguing with her.
I know you've only posted a couple of times, you have to be having a rough time considering everything.
You really need pull back from her. She's shown interest in you and that is good. Now that she's run back to the OM it's time for you to disengage from her. There's a number of reasons why which you probably don't fully understand yet. Have you been reading or trying to figure out your sitch at all or are you mainly running on emotion?
I would also strongly encourage you to detach and read about what that really means.
Prepare for the long haul here.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
