Been 2 years. Still standing but recently contemplating why I am still doing so. Was it due to the past memories or the person I used to know? Perhaps there was something within that still hope. I thought I was doing fine but after some drinks alone I weeped the day before.
But after I woke up I feel pretty fine again to move on. Certain nights I still dream of reconciliation and the good old times. But I just wake up and face reality wondering why does it happen. But well, can't look back and just keep looking forward.
Steve85, I tried to stay away from alcohol occasionally but I think the greatest success was about 5 days for me in recent times. Need to work on that as it affects my sleep as well which in turn gets into a vicious cycle. Need to find something to offload end of the day. Hopefully after this lock down period things will get better.
M:38 W:38 T:14 M: 12 S:9 S:6 BD: 07/18 W Moved out: 5/19 W Moved in: 7/19 D draft received: 12/19
Steve85, I tried to stay away from alcohol occasionally but I think the greatest success was about 5 days for me in recent times. Need to work on that as it affects my sleep as well which in turn gets into a vicious cycle. Need to find something to offload end of the day. Hopefully after this lock down period things will get better.
This is a huge red flag. I would look into an AA group if I were you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
All I can tell you is that DBing is hard enough sober-minded. I no longer drank when I with through my sitch but there is no way I would be still married to my W today if I had been drinking because I would not have DB'd well.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Intending to put down the cup today via cold turkey to break the drinking cycle.
I will wake up every morning feeling bad about the drinks I had but once when it passed noon, I'll crave for a couple of cans to make me relax. Not quite to ease the pain as I don't feel much but well just something to look forward to which make me happier and relaxed.
Also, it's kinda awkward to be around with her in the house after finishing work thus I am looking at going out for some personal space and breather. That's kind of the thoughts nowadays.
For her, sometimes she's ok with me by talking nicely and asking opinions but most of the time is still rude tone with an attitude which, I just don't let it affect me. Either by tell her she does not have to talk to me like that or just leave the conversation and not engaging her.
M:38 W:38 T:14 M: 12 S:9 S:6 BD: 07/18 W Moved out: 5/19 W Moved in: 7/19 D draft received: 12/19
As our domestic helper tenure is expiring, I intend to renew her contract and told the wife that there will be salary increment for the helper and if she has any opinion as it still comes from our joint expenses.
She mentioned to me that we have yet resolve and are proceeding with the D. What will happen then? I told her well, if she like to proceed with the D, by all means go ahead. Eventually when everything transpire, I will see if to retain the helper or transfer her.
Wife then try to approach and suggest to me that perhaps we should share the helper thereafter. couple of days with me then couple of days with her when the children goes over.
Then I told her my intention with regards to the caregiving of the children. I told her that she can has visitation anytime she wants, but I do not agree with the overnight and overseas access. This was due to how she was handling the children previously which lead to the episode which my elder boy trying to kill himself.
Then it escalated from there. That I am denying her rights to the children, she was being nice to give me time to think about the divorce but yet I came up with such things, ada ada. I got kinda worked up and replied her on why I came to such decision. I reminded her on how she claimed she does not want the children when the bomb was dropped, her antics of being away and not being there. If she would like to challenge my decision, by all means. we will resolve everything through our lawyers and I will accept any judgement being passed, even if it meant me losing all custody or caregiving rights.
Then she burst into tears and start claiming which mother intends to give up the children and such and bring up all the past issues to defend herself or conveniently forgetting about her actions through this period to her advantage. With the crux of everything her previous EA but listing everything I done wrong and fault finding.
I told her, look. We are not divorce now so still at times, I do feel some responsibilities towards u and this family. If the papers are signed, I don't think I would even keep you as a friend. You would be the mother of my children but I do not wish to keep any relationship with you. You had been doing everything the way you wanted it and never thought of the effect it causes to others. I am telling you now, this is the outcome. And I know this outcome since the bomb dropped that how it will affect all of us.
I will have to look after the interest of the kids and myself and hers no more. Then she burst into tears again, talking about the past, like how "unavailable" I was to her, I never paid attention to her needs and she could not get my attention... I told her. What you wanted, you could at least communicated and get the point across. not just telling to everyone than me, then later you explode and cast the axe on everything.
I told her that I know her heart is shut now. No matter what I do or say, will not get into her. And she would even ridicule me on the effort I put in for the family. She tried to defend herself on this. I told her to go dig out what she wrote when I was running the chores and spending time with the kids. What kind of remarks she ridiculed me for that.
Told her I acknowledged her feelings. No fault of her feeling this way that she is now but then again it does not mean because she is feeling this way, her actions are right. Just this morning, she told me she wanted to throw away a sofa in the study because she got herself a new bed frame to sleep in there. I told her, you should have at least consulted. She then said that she already intended to throw the sofa away. Which I replied, the sofa does not belongs to you only. But this portion, I said in a calm tone.
The morning conversation caused me to teared as well. The sadness just surge upon me all of the sudden as I told her. I am not saying all these to smoother or to retain her. I know my voice and feelings will not reach her heart anyway. So she can just proceed with the divorce but, I am taking the stand to do what I think is right for the children and myself.
And although she can deny the reality in front of her, she would not know my feelings for her as her personal issues blinded her to me and it's always the person who is the closest took the greatest hit. Then, she had to leave because she is being late to conduct examinations for her students and our conversation just ended there.
Thereafter, I just dropped her a message telling her that, how everyone was concerned about her especially on her health and physical well being after she went on the path of recommended medication over these 2 years course by different practitioners and how frail she had become compare to how she looks like in the picture we took 2 years ago.
She replied yeah because she had to take care of her health as age is catching up. Then she thanked me for sharing my feelings in the morning. I told her that, well, I do not know if it would even reach her because it always seems she could not receive my intent from my actions.
It's such a long day. But no matter how it is meant to be, I have to carry on with my decision down that path...
M:38 W:38 T:14 M: 12 S:9 S:6 BD: 07/18 W Moved out: 5/19 W Moved in: 7/19 D draft received: 12/19
ToSmile, remember. Listen and validate. Listening and validating doesn't mean you agree with her, just that you understand how she feels.
Get ready for a fight now. You played your hand way to early. As she processes this conversation she will probably become more and more angry. And will now fight for 50/50 custody. Unless you have solid evidence of abuse or neglect, she is likely to get it. So lawyer up.
These kinds of discussions rarely, if ever, result in positive outcomes. That is why we say to avoid them.
Go read the validation thread.
Also on things like her proposal: "Wife then try to approach and suggest to me that perhaps we should share the helper thereafter. couple of days with me then couple of days with her when the children goes over." Feel free to deflect. "Hmmm, I'll need some time to consider that."
Then listen and validate.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Roger that on the validation part. Not enough detachment on my side perhaps due to this quarantine period and the slight improvement of attitude she has towards me.
When it comes to such situation and see her breaking down in tears, I'll just somewhat get engaged. From yesterday session, she admitted that there was a major instance which she knew it was not my fault but she's angry with me because she is giving herself a closure.
On that, I told her I understand how you feel although I do not think it is right to attribute to me. But I can't deny because these are your feelings and its real to you.
Other than that, it's kinda replay again but glad things stopped. But yesterday night, there was another bigger episode. Due to the wife's absence most of the time previously, my domestic helper kinda felt she had "risen through the ranks" as the primary care taker of the household. The original arrangement was that as we are staying quite near to our parents, my mother will supervise her and the chores when we are away. But recently, my mother could not be around due to her undergoing an operation and the helper was running the show.
So yesterday, because of my mother falsely blamed my helper of a small matter, the helper broke down and causes another round of hoo haaa in the evening. So the helper starts to claim that she's not good for us and wish to stop her service. The misunderstanding stems from a request from my wife on how certain things are to be done and it was not fulfilled.
At this timing, if the helper stops her service, its gonna create a big impact on our daily logistics and arrangement too. Then, I turned around and told my wife. Look. Now it's gonna be very difficult to get a new helper. And if the helper not gonna get over it and make peace, things gonna get pretty messy and troublesome. You may want to address this. She seems abit taken aback and interested in the whole situation (because previously I had been dealing with all these problems and resolving them).
I told her, this is trivia matter and end day, it's woman's problem. But its what I had been handling and keeping the peace here where u don't see it. But I think it would be good if you can help too. This kinda totally got her into the situation and soften abit overall.
But it was really a tiring day. I told my helper to just take a break today and tomorrow. Go relax herself as the quarantine order has been lifted. And I also told my wife that these 2 days had been bad. So I am intending to take the kids and family out for dinner this evening to brighten up everyone's mood. I just leave it at that to see if she like to join if not we would just go ahead.
For next on now, I think I should drill into the validations....
M:38 W:38 T:14 M: 12 S:9 S:6 BD: 07/18 W Moved out: 5/19 W Moved in: 7/19 D draft received: 12/19
But it was really a tiring day. I told my helper to just take a break today and tomorrow. Go relax herself as the quarantine order has been lifted. And I also told my wife that these 2 days had been bad. So I am intending to take the kids and family out for dinner this evening to brighten up everyone's mood. I just leave it at that to see if she like to join if not we would just go ahead.
It certain situations this is the right move. In yours, I don't agree with this approach. This is you allowing pressure and pursuit and running down cheeseless tunnels.
You should have said nothing to her, collected the kids and taken them to dinner.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It's been awhile and hope that everyone is doing fine out that amid this Global Pandemic.
For my journey, it has been coming to 2 years and recently, I am also re-looking at the entire situation if I am still standing, or had I got used to this new norm or I have let it go totally.
We had the arrangement with my parents being the day caretaker of the kids when we are at work. this had been a arrangement we had for coming to a decade since our firstborn and also the reason why we moved closed to my parents. However recently, she had seen my parents support as a form of intrusion instead of the great help they had been rendering and suggested to stop them from coming over and leave the kids to the helper to handle. She will also take care of the necessary grocery matters that was previously handled by my parents. I told her fine, and let her have her way. We would be more than happy if she could step up in all these roles that she had never been actively involved in all these years.
So my parents stopped coming over. kids missing the grandparents during the day and only get to us when we return in the evening. She would claim that when my parents are here, our grocery bills went up due to higher consumption. But now as she is managing the buying, everything was not enough and even the meals she tasked the helper to cook was barely enough to feed the family for a meal. I am not sure if she is trying to prove that she is more prudent or she is right that without my parents, she can bring the expenses down but I am not getting involved in that. As like when she was supposed to get a week's worth of grocery during the weekends, she only bought back 2 days worth and leave everything at that. For now, I just step up the purchase as I worried the kids would have nothing during lunch. But on second thoughts, I feel I should leave it at that as she wish to manage.
I have been looking for a new property as the current home is depreciating. The current home is bought through our joint names and if we would to get a new property of similar nature, we have to dispose of the existing one first. There is a rare unit available in the market now which I had put up the option for it. It has great investment value and would be a huge pity to missed. She told me to hold back the interest first as we had issues (Divorce) that are not settled and she does not wish to complicate the process. I told her during these period, I had missed out much of such investment opportunities which I would hope to pass on to the children and I am not going to miss it this round. Be it the outcome if our interest can be accepted, then we decide if we are to go ahead with the purchase or to forego it. If we are separated, I'll carry on the investment myself. She then changed the topic.
These 2 months been rather calm except a certain episode a few days ago. Both of us had to work late and requested our parents to came over to accompany the children at night. Then my mum did something to her dislike. She discovered the next day, messaged me and started all her complaints. She started to bring up past issues with my parents, issues which I was the one who couldn't let go about then and she told me to chill over. Also issues which she had with my parents which I wanted to pursue for a resolution and she said it's fine, don't need to. And now, she is bring them up item by item. I told her I understand how she felt, and sometimes it's too much and just try to validate her messages. But I also reminded her that she was the one who mentioned to let it go then, why bringing all these up now?
On my end, I just withdraw all the attention on her. She's sleeping in the guest room now. I'm not asking where she's going or what. Nor what she is doing. When we have family events and going out for dinner, I'll just casually ask if she likes to join (Kids would ask why she isn't joining). If she doesn't we'll just go ahead. One thing I do note that she seldom have late nights out now days but she would go out for short periods during the day during the weekends. And ever since my parents stopped coming over, she's returning home more frequently for dinner.
One interesting thing that I discovered when chatting with my kids recently was, they told me that their mum told them she used to loved me alot as I was always there for her and helping her. But it's no longer the same when we quarrel. And also, she's re-writing history again. She was the one who wanted to buy the dog we are having now 2 years ago. But because of the responsibilities, now she's telling the children I was the one who wanted the dog and bought it????
It's really a marathon. I do not see the end in sight. And I am also not thinking about it. On some days when I have a drink to chill, I actually do have thoughts that perhaps separation would be a liberation for me. Why do I had to be treated this way by her and also being given such treatment and attitude when I am not the one that messed up in that manner here? I do feel that my helper takes even greater care of the children, the dog, and more concern of our well being than her. Perhaps such realization helps me to face her easier. That she's fading to become a stranger the the person I knew. That's what she mentioned when I question her behavior couple of days ago when she made a very crazy statement that it doesn't matter how I view her anymore. I told her well that is just my opinion as a fellow human being and she can just take it or drop it. Nothing more.
I still do feel for her but is time wearing everything out? Will there be the possibility to reconcile with her finally walking out of the fog? I really can't imagine how it would be given how firm she is over this duration to leave this marriage even though till date, what I received was only the draft by her lawyer's assistant in June last year. It's kinda a standstill situation here and recently, I am starting to think of change. I want to do something more with life than being stuck in this situation.
M:38 W:38 T:14 M: 12 S:9 S:6 BD: 07/18 W Moved out: 5/19 W Moved in: 7/19 D draft received: 12/19
