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A Message from Michele
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WW post D (Thanks BenB part 4) #2896646
06/03/20 10:25 AM
06/03/20 10:25 AM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 474
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Mumin Offline OP
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Mumin  Offline OP
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Posts: 474
Old thread

Short recap:
Me: 34
STBXW: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019 (I start wondering about OM)
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019

Christmas and January was crap. I made misstakes.
Feb
-Finally had enough and changed my mindset
-Understanding DB for real and getting more control. GAL etc
-I told the kids about situation late February.
-Wife admitted seeing OM. A colleague from work.
March
-Working on DB and detachment
-Corona starts
-I filed for D.

Now.
-I am living in the house 100%. She is living 50% with OM.
-I am getting ready to move on and told her I am prepared to buy her out of the house.
-She is less Wayward and does not want to move immediately anymore.

Last two posts:
Originally Posted by sandi2
Quote
Basically I have "helped" W to soften the blow, while being her errand boy... D@mn it!



So, how can you break yourself from repeating these nice-guy patterns?



Originally Posted by Vapo
Do not beat yourself over it. Dust youself off and get back on the horse.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Re: WW post D (Thanks BenB part 4) [Re: Mumin] #2896648
06/03/20 10:35 AM
06/03/20 10:35 AM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 474
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Mumin Offline OP
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Mumin  Offline OP
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Posts: 474
Thank you Sandi and Vapo.

I HAVE dusted of and moved forward.

When it comes to not being NG with W I simply need to take it slow and really think through things, ask on the board etc.
I am realizing how deep my NGS is and I think it will take a long time to really overcome it.
Will need to re-read that book every year.

I believe atm I am more "eager" to move on than she is, but considering the big picture I definitely have now rush and D wont be finalized till October. However she still hasn't answered me about the summer vacation, almost been a month.
Daily we are on a 2,2,3 schedule, which is fine. But during the vacation switching kids e times per week just wont work.
Next step will be to say
"Ok it seems you can't chose or don't have a preference so I will assume my proposed schedule is what we will do."

Also, talking about months. Today some of her "trash clothes" intended to be given to charity have been lying in the car for 2 months (like 10 smaller bags of clothes). I made a point of not doing it for her or even mentioning this "don't help the WW", but this is getting ridiculous.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Re: WW post D (Thanks BenB part 4) [Re: Mumin] #2896942
06/06/20 07:09 PM
06/06/20 07:09 PM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 474
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Mumin Offline OP
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Mumin  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 474
Ok..
W just said "I belong her with you (meaning the family)"
I basically said I can't have these types of conversations with you when you're together with someone else.
Lots more words and I was too available but now left house. Going grocery shopping and thinking.

Any input for a potential convo later is very appreciated.

Last edited by Mumin; 06/06/20 07:09 PM.

Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Re: WW post D (Thanks BenB part 4) [Re: Mumin] #2896943
06/06/20 07:44 PM
06/06/20 07:44 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,976
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LH19 Online
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LH19  Online
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Posts: 5,976
Oh boy.

Listen validate. Get term “it’s not that easy anymore”.

Your W is seriously damaged and needs professional help. That’s a must!


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: WW post D (Thanks BenB part 4) [Re: Mumin] #2896948
06/06/20 08:55 PM
06/06/20 08:55 PM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 474
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Mumin Offline OP
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Mumin  Offline OP
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Posts: 474
Thank you LH for sticking to my thread! THANK YOU!!!
I came home, made a sandwich and as I was cleaning up W passed me and said:
"I'm going out to the cabin. So I don't say anything weird. We can talk more tomorrow."
I just said ok.


When we talked earlier she mentioned she's been listening to a book about relationships.
Said she can't believe how stupid we have been to not invest more effort and time in our R.


I Will try to sleep now.

Last edited by Mumin; 06/06/20 08:55 PM.

Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Re: WW post D (Thanks BenB part 4) [Re: Mumin] #2896997
06/07/20 08:24 PM
06/07/20 08:24 PM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 474
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Mumin Offline OP
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Mumin  Offline OP
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Posts: 474
I guess I shouldn't have but I asked her tonight why she brought things up last night and what she meant with "I belong here with you".

Had a conversation but I tried to mostly listen and validate.
Repeated several of the things she said.

This is an excerpt of what I can remember:

W - I wish we would have gone down a different path. I know I'm mostly to blame but we took one another for granted and I didn't feel like or viewed you as a partner. We didnt understand how good it was.
W - Feel like I am living two lives. I mean its obvious I pack my bag everyother day. That must be tough for you.
W - Its probably best I keep things to myself.
Me - Depends on why you bring it up.

W - I guess I feel that I miss the life we had but not our relation/partnership.
Me - Well like you said we didn't really have one in the end. (meaning relationship/partnership har to translate correctly)

W (while crying) - Feels like only one who cares for me is nameofgirlfriendshekeepstalkingto.
Me- ITs not Iike I dont care at all for you and I don't like seeing you like this but I can't be that person for you anymore, not when you chose to be with someone else.

Somewhere along the conversation I also said she never gave us a chance.
2x4´s?

Last edited by Mumin; 06/07/20 08:27 PM.

Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Re: WW post D (Thanks BenB part 4) [Re: Mumin] #2896999
06/07/20 08:36 PM
06/07/20 08:36 PM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 474
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Mumin Offline OP
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Mumin  Offline OP
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Posts: 474
She also said something like "I'm glad we can talk. It woerd not to talk when you've known a person for 12 years".

At some point if things don't change i might need to tell her I don't want to be her friend. What's your take on that?


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Re: WW post D (Thanks BenB part 4) [Re: Mumin] #2897001
06/07/20 08:49 PM
06/07/20 08:49 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,976
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LH19 Online
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LH19  Online
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Posts: 5,976
M,

Yeah there was no need to do anything but validate. She’s feeling sorry for herself.

Nothing to see here.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: WW post D (Thanks BenB part 4) [Re: Mumin] #2897021
06/08/20 09:49 AM
06/08/20 09:49 AM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 474
M
Mumin Offline OP
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Mumin  Offline OP
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M
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 474
You are so right LH!
All this was not great for detachment but I can really feel I am stronger and will back on track very soon.

What is the boards take on telling her plain and simple that I wont be discussing our R as long as shes with him?


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Re: WW post D (Thanks BenB part 4) [Re: Mumin] #2897023
06/08/20 10:46 AM
06/08/20 10:46 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,976
L
LH19 Online
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LH19  Online
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L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,976
M,

You say nothing. If she wants to truly reconcile it won’t be some cryptic code. You are like a little puppy dog at the table looking to jump at any scrap that she drops on the floor. Your W was having an affair at the time of her wedding. What advice would you give an outsider?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
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