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Hi Andy,

I am not on much these days, but LH19 and Steve85 are very wise Dbers. Be thankful they are posting to you.

Now is a great time to make positive changes to your belief system and behaviors. People here have done it and can help support you though yours.

My belief is most guys do not understand what woman are (hardwired) attracted to. Do you research in this area.

Confidence is at the top of the pile. Project confidence while going through this. Embrace the process.


Everything I could ever tell you to do is found here:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712


Best worst thing I ever went through. I am a better person having gone though it.

Take all your focus off of your wife and put all your energy into your personal growth and being a great father.

I wish you well.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Originally Posted by Andy88
I see what you mean about detachment. I am going to look at that more. I was using the term wrong there, although I do need to work on that as well. I was referring more to disinterest I guess, if that is the right term. Basically that if I show her I want her to come back then she won't. Since I do want her to come back, that is the pretending part. Unless I am missing that point as well.


There is an element of pretending at first. We call it "fake it until you make it". But the idea of detachment isn't necessarily and outward thing. It is inward.

I like to say that detachment is getting to a place where your W could come to you and admit to an orgy with 12 guys, and you would have no visceral, emotional reaction to it. In other words, not being emotionally affected by her words and deeds.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change

Hi Andy,

I am not on much these days, but LH19 and Steve85 are very wise Dbers. Be thankful they are posting to you.

Now is a great time to make positive changes to your belief system and behaviors. People here have done it and can help support you though yours.

My belief is most guys do not understand what woman are (hardwired) attracted to. Do you research in this area.

Confidence is at the top of the pile. Project confidence while going through this. Embrace the process.


Everything I could ever tell you to do is found here:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712


Best worst thing I ever went through. I am a better person having gone though it.

Take all your focus off of your wife and put all your energy into your personal growth and being a great father.

I wish you well.

Thanks for your encouragement and suggestion.

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Originally Posted by Steve85

There is an element of pretending at first. We call it "fake it until you make it". But the idea of detachment isn't necessarily and outward thing. It is inward.

I like to say that detachment is getting to a place where your W could come to you and admit to an orgy with 12 guys, and you would have no visceral, emotional reaction to it. In other words, not being emotionally affected by her words and deeds.


I think I have a way to go in that area then. How can I not feel hurt if something like that happened?

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Lol. I’m with you Andy. I never quite understood why Steve uses this analogy. IMO any sane person would have a problem with that happening.

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He has toned it down the he use to say prisoners.

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Originally Posted by Andy88
Originally Posted by Steve85

There is an element of pretending at first. We call it "fake it until you make it". But the idea of detachment isn't necessarily and outward thing. It is inward.

I like to say that detachment is getting to a place where your W could come to you and admit to an orgy with 12 guys, and you would have no visceral, emotional reaction to it. In other words, not being emotionally affected by her words and deeds.


I think I have a way to go in that area then. How can I not feel hurt if something like that happened?


I didn't say it was easy. However, it is all about expectations. Right now you should have no expectations of her. She may be sleeping with someone else. She may not be. You expect that she is not because, well,. you are still married. Likely to her right now she feels single, and that the marriage is just a legal construct that needs to be dealt with at some point. You expect that she still sees you as her husband. Likely she does not as most WASs/WSs consider the marriage over in their own minds after BD. You expect that she is the the same girl you married. SHE IS NOT!

This is why we encourage LBSs to have NO, NONE, ZERO expectations. Expectations will set you back. They will destroy. The expectations, that you may still be holding on to, are not realistic expectations at this point. They are your defense mechanisms kicking in to help you deal with what you are going through.Probably the hardest thing LBSs deal with is the reality of what is happening. It is easier to bury your head in the sand and pretend.

I had a close friend, the only person that knows both me and my W (she was a friend prior to our getting married) that helped me face the reality of what I was facing. She, like our own sandi, had been a WW herself. And she pulled no punches with me. One of the things I remember her telling me blatantly, in no uncertain terms, was when I was wondering why she was behaving the way she was, she told me: "Because Steve she wants to screw other guys!!!" She knew because she had been there.

Andy, what I am trying to get you to see here is that ANYTHING can come to light. Now that your situation has progressed to the point it is, you should be ready to face just about anything. Even what I just told you above.

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

I already see some common LBS mistakes you are making. For instance I can tell from your statement: "She hasn't tried to settle the divorce at all, but I imagine that is because she just wants it to go to a judge so I don't think that is really any indication of anything." that you are wanting to place significance on the fact that she isn't pushing the D forward faster. You are trying to talk yourself out of that significance but you still have an underlying belief that this may be an indication that she isn't sure about what she is doing. That is an expectation. Lots of LBS put a lot of significance on the D itself. They panic when the WAS pushes it forward and relieved when they don't.

The fact is that WASs are notoriously lazy about D. Most of the time it is the LBS that eventually goes and files, or hires a lawyer to push it forward, after a period of time has passed with no movement on it from the WAS. Think about it, she right now has no incentive to push the D forward. She has her own place, she is on her own. She can come and go as she chooses, and she can do whatever she wants with whomever she wants any time she chooses. She has no responsibilities, no child care, etc. She is living her fantasy that popped into her head and some point in the past. She is moving on with her life whether or not the D is settled or not! So you see, the D has no bearing on her and what she does, yet you are placing significance on it, as most LBSs do.

So back to the original point. All of this behavior that she is already engaging in SHOWS that you have to be prepared for anything. Is she engaging with her kids at all right now? You mention you and her have limited contact, is she staying in touch with her two sons at all?

So yes, detachment means that you get yourself to a place where her crazy has no emotional effect on you. That is not something that happens overnight, it is a process that you have work on overtime. I can tell you Andy, that when my situation really started to change was when my W could say and do anything, I was unaffected by it. I learned the power of "oh, ok." As if she was telling me it was raining.

So work on it. It helps if you are staying busy. Those that struggle detaching the most are the ones that do the poorest job at GAL.


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Since I do want her to come back, that is the pretending part. Unless I am missing that point as well.

Well it's not pretending so much as keeping it to yourself. Her actions show you what she wants and you know it, so what's the point to keep telling her you want her back? It would only make you look desperate and pathetic and that is not the sort of thing that will attract her back to you.

You should be losing weight and getting in great shape and going out with friends and carrying this big smile everywhere you go. Before I met my W this is how I acted. I smiled and made eye contact with woman, didn't stare, but I'd talk to all of them who wanted to talk.

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I think I have a way to go in that area then. How can I not feel hurt if something like that happened?

I think Steve is making a point more than anything, but really at this point, with her out of the house, it shouldn't affect you anymore. She isn't yours, you aren't hers, and y'all aren't together. Ultimately whatever story you tell yourself about something is how you feel.

You say to yourself "W is seeing someone else, this is bad" and then you feel bad. Or you say "she is seeing someone, this has nothing to do with me anymore" and you remain indifferent bc at this point it is an indifferent thing and it being morally good or morally bad has literally nothing to do with how you act.

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I was really shocked because just the night before we spent about 3 hours talking
Well you put those expectations on this situation and you were upset when you didn't get what you wanted. But really you could have been indifferent to this and you'd feel a lot better. I think it is good though that you are trying to listen and validate. Great job there man.

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I guess I am doing okay so far. I miss her a lot still. I want her to come home still. I know life will go on and I will be okay if she doesn't, it is just not what I hope happens.

Good. Life will go on. There are so many positives. You know have the house to yourself, you can make steak every night, you can watch whatever show, you can do everything your way. Your mind wants what it can't have that's our instinctual monkey brain at work.

I would arrange a GAL/self growth plan. Reading, activities, fun, social, work, family, etc.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Thanks to everyone jumping in here and helping me, I do appreciate it. At work now so have to be really brief but I wanted to say that.

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Hi Andy

Sorry to hear about your situation. There is a lot of very helpful information on this site and advice from the veterans here (who have alreayd chipped in above) will be invaluable to you.

The main things to focus on are - and please don't groan or shoot me for saying this - 'finding yourself'. For want of a better phrase (it's 10.30pm in the UK here and I'm going for an early night - I'm sure with a bit of thought I'd have come up with a better set of words!).

The hardest thing is the initial stages of detachment. When I went through it, I was constantly worrying about what my XW was thinking, saying. But I realise I can't mind-read, so I forced myself to stop doing that. You will suddenly find yourself in a position where you haven't thought about them for almost a day. But you don't feel guilty. You don't hate them. You don't crave them. You just carry on with your life.

Steve's mantra of "no expectations" is right. Put the expectation on yourself...to have a good time. Maybe you let a hobby slip by the wayside, or you always wanted to take up a new one but didn't have the time/were afraid of starting it. Go places alone (bearing in mind any current Covid restrictions of course!). Exercise. Look after yourself. Sleep. Get a grooming routine going to improve confidence. Act confident; walk tall and slow. It genuinely works. I was a timid meek guy with NGS (Nice Guy Syndrome). Very weak emotionally, poor body image etc. My D went through 3 months ago. I lost a W and a house. And you know what? My XW could be still mouthing off to all her friends about how happy she is and justifying her actions with a long list of things I did that annoyed her...but that doesn't affect me anymore. I just get on with my stuff. You can achieve a lot in this period. It is very hard to believe that, but you must trust the people on here.

I'd recommend the validation and boundaries thread and definitely the Lighthouse story (all links on Cadet's reponse below your first post). This was very useful for me to understand. The lighthouse does not come to the ships. The ships come to the lighthouse. Be the lighthouse.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
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