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bttrfly #2895911 05/26/20 07:08 PM
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Does CMM need a whiteboard to let it all out on?


God, no!!!

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Girl, I don't know how you refrain from saying, "There's the door ... don't let it hit ya where the good Lord split ya!"


If he had any way of affording to live elsewhere I would. But with all the medical bills for his cancer treatment, his income would not stretch to cover rent (expensive in this area, it would take half his income to rent a room and 3/4 of his income to rent a cheap studio apartment). If I weren't already so stretched helping middle son get on his feet (he has a job but it is taking time to build up his client list so his income doesn't fully cover living expenses quite yet) and with reduced income from my business due to the pandemic, I'd offer to help with rent for him just to get rid of the extra stress. He has no relationship to speak of with his daughters, who aren't in the area anyway (and he needs to stay here for his cancer treatment) and no other living relatives. He's 21 months into a diagnosis with an average life expectancy of 6 mos, I honestly did not expect him to live this long, right now he may well have another year or two in him. No good deed goes unpunished, as my ex used to say.

I've thought about trying to get him to take an SSRI - they're not as effective for OCPD as they are for regular OCD, but it might still be worth a try. But with his total lack of insight (he doesn't think he has any kind of problem) he probably wouldn't take them anyway.

kml #2895913 05/26/20 07:18 PM
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You are a kind, compassionate person and I admire your drive to take care of CMM considering his current situation, but I often find myself wondering what is in it for you. I mean, you are there all the time, living with all the little ins and outs that we don’t know about so we may just not see as much of the good, but you paint a pretty stressful picture of what it is like to live with him. You don’t have to actually answer what is in it for you...that was rhetorical, but I do hope the pluses outweigh the minuses. As far as CMM living elsewhere, surely there are some programs to help him.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
kml #2895924 05/26/20 10:08 PM
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He's usually very nice to me - acts of service, he cooks for me, cleans, is very attentive, caring towards me - all things that were attractive about the relationship in the beginning. He doesn't direct his OCD stuff at me. It must be kinda awful to live in his skin, where all these things rub him the wrong way.

As for programs to help him - not so much. Section 8 housing takes years to move up a list in our city. He'd be dead before he'd qualify.

I don't want to be responsible for a man with a terminal illness being out on the street. I'm happy to provide a roof over his head so long as he just keeps his issues with my boys to himself. It's too bad he couldn't tolerate medical marijuana, that might have chilled him out, but alas, it just gives him myoclonus.

kml #2895974 05/27/20 02:40 PM
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kml,

I've got a couple of spiritual books that comfort me and while I'm not interested in debating the concepts here I believe that CMM is supposed to be there. Doesn't have to be positive but it can turn into something positive. It's all in how you choose to see it.

kml #2895998 05/27/20 04:32 PM
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Yes I do believe that I was put in his life for this purpose - what are the odds other wise that he would have met a physician 3 months before his diagnosis?

I consider it a form of spiritual practice in some ways. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I get nothing out of the relationship. But in all honesty, if he wasn't ill, I would never have lived with him in the first place, and would probably have put an end to the relationship by now. (Although these issues also might not have been issues if he wasn't living with me. ) I'm definitely not living with another guy in the future. I much prefer it if I have my own place and they have theirs.

kml #2896023 05/27/20 07:54 PM
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These books blow my mind yet I totally get it. I look at the evolution of my divorce at the things I should have done, the regrets, the bad decisions and yet in hindsight I see had I done everything right I wouldn't have learned anything. I could have chosen to do nothing and stayed a victim but to change I needed the lesson.

kml #2896033 05/27/20 09:47 PM
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Yes I would have said my divorce was one of the worst things that happened to me, but through the growth of DBing him (leading to our first reconciliation) and the support here during my divorce, I know that I grew a lot more than I would have if the marriage had stayed intact - and am happier now than I probably would have been if my marriage stayed together.

kml #2896035 05/27/20 10:48 PM
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On a different note, I'm reading the new sequel to The Sociopath Next Door - it's Outsmarting the Sociopath Next Door. It's very good.

kml #2896049 05/28/20 12:48 AM
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Originally Posted by kml
On a different note, I'm reading the new sequel to The Sociopath Next Door - it's Outsmarting the Sociopath Next Door. It's very good.


Said as I’m putting together a packet for my attorney consultation tomorrow. Lol.

kml #2896455 06/01/20 09:07 PM
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Quiet chemo weekend at home, I didn't feel like doing anything with the heavy weight of the news, so I didn't do much. Did go to a store other than for groceries for the first tie in months - a quick stop at Tuesday Morning for a new cushion for my backyard lounge chair, where I'm soaking up a little sun to improve my resistance to the virus. And my hairdresser opened up so I finally got my 2 inch albino white roots colored (she's in her mid-70's and opening very cautiously, just one client at a time, doing everything right to protect herself and her clients so I felt ok about it.)

My youngest son went out to protest, I did manage to convince him not to go out on Saturday night but to wait for daytime protests. He's hot headed and I worried about him but I couldn't argue with his need to go protest - I would have been marching too except it was chemo weekend and I needed to keep an eye on CMM. My son told me "it's the biggest moment of my generation, I can't not be there" and I understood. I raised three kids without a racist bone in their bodies. (Their only complaint to me is that they grew up seeing too rosy a view of the world, seeing no difference among our friends when it came to race or sexual orientation. They felt they were blindsided by the racism and homophobia in the world as adults because they grew up in such an environment where it wasn't a factor).

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