I just want to say that I care about you and I'm worried about you. I wonder if you and your kids could go stay somewhere else for a week or two, like with a relative or a friend? I think this will give you the space you need to start to relax and figure out what is going on without having him in your face all the time, and with the underlying current of fear that his super erratic and mean behavior is generating. I think you need this in order to be the strong and stable parent like Wooba says.
It will also give him some space which he probably needs as well. If you want to think about it from a DB perspective, he can't miss you while you're there, and if seeing you every day is firing his anger neurons for whatever reason, removing your presence can only be a positive thing for your R.
(((BLUE))) Please keep updating us. Thinking of you.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Oh dear. This was a lot. I read through both threads and I have so many thoughts and questions. I apologize if this post is all over the place. Mostly, I am glad to see you have so much support here and some great posters. Their advice is gold, even if it can feel harsh at times. Every person that comes here is only posting because they have been in a similar sitch and wants to help, even if our delivery is different. So I am thinking about what I can add and I am not sure what else I can say, but I will certainly try. I also apologize in advanced if I am direct or offensive. I have been known to swing some rusty, nail-studded, 2by4s!
First random question. I see in thread one, you changed your handle to Bluesea, which does resemble Bluwave, so I am of course curious as to why? :-))) hmmmmm .... Are we sisters from another mister? lol.
But seriously, that was a hard read. Maybe I say/think that about most of the sitches here, but ouch. Man oh man, the further out I get from my own BD, the more I am able to read these stories objectively. It is almost surreal what we go through. Of course I see some parallels in my own sitch, but I also see some differences. My H also had an A, became an alien, and blew up our lives, but the thing is, he wasn't an A-hole. My H was mostly guilty, self-pitied and a giant wuss, and he would hide from me. Can I call your H an A-hole? Because it certainly reads that way. He is a big aggressive bully! Man I wish I could kick this guy in the nutz. I know that doesn't help, but his behavior is so outrageous it is almost hard to wrap my head around.
I am so glad to read the advice from LH, Steve, May and really all of them. I agree with everything they are saying. I also know from experience how hard it is to apply when you are feeling so desperate, anxious, fearful and depressed. It is sooooo much easier said than done. Even Sandi's 37 rules. I remember reading those rules every single day. I also remember feeling like I kept failing at them and it felt impossible. So if you are feeling that way too, I want you to know that is okay. You just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and you start over. Each morning you wake up and you just start over. All you can do is the best you can do. .... Have you read Alison's thread? She has come such a long, long way in this process. She is now turning this corner and it is AMAZING. She is feeling strong, confident and detached. She is moving forward with her head held high with or without her H. She went through some really hard times too. But, she kept on picking herself up and she is getting there. So I want you to really take that in .... We all need to find our own way and all of our outcomes will be different, but the same advice applies to us all ... most important for you to read ---
IT WILL NOT BE THIS WAY FOREVER. THINGS WILL GET BETTER IN TIME. I know right now you are spinning and terrified and in a state of shock, but I want you to understand that in time things will get better.
Speaking of Alison and her detachment, I recall you saying that part of the reason that I have struggled with piecing was due to the fact that I may have detached too much. I am not sure what I said, but that is not true. I think the word detachment (and most words we use here) can be confusing. Words and just words and we define them differently. I started to get to a place where I detached and did not allow him to have so much power over me and I also started to imagine a life without him. Naturally he could feel me slipping away. However when we started to reconcile our M, it was not my detachment that made it so hard, it was simply the process of trying to shovel through all this chit, learn to forgive him & trust him, to work on the M while we both had to work on our own stuff, and to fight off those constant triggers, and understand WHY this all happened in the first place, and try and continue to raise our kids and home on a daily, keep up a "normal" routine, fight off so much hurt/anger/resentment, and on and on, and it was just HARD. It takes two committed people to do that hard work. I think it is hard for anyone that makes it that far and even then it doesn't always work. Often we cling so tightly to the idea of getting our partner back, that we fail to see who they have actually become in this process. I am sorry but I do not see your H as a desirable partner. Not right now anyways! He is sooooo far from anyone that can even begin to work on all this.
One of the major differences between your (and May's) sitch is that he is still there. So not only it it hard to follow the rules, GAL, detach, etc, but it is doubly hard to do that with him right there. When I discovered my H's A, I took a very hard line approach. After he moped and waffled around a bit I had to tell him firmly that if he was not going to 100% commit to our M and family then he needed to GTFO. And he did. I was shocked and devastated of course, but 6 years later, I can see now that it was the only way. He had to experience life without the cushion of his W, family and home. He also had to go out in the real world with this affair and let it fail on it's own. And fail it did! It usually does. You see, once you take away the mystery, fantasy and sheer drama of an active A -- and you stick these two dummies together in the real world -- they get to see each other for who they really are. My H realized pretty quickly he didn't even like her. He couldn't run from me and blame me because I wasn't there anymore. She was just an escape because he was too weak to deal with his real problems. He also missed his life. We had a nice life most days, even with our M issues.
So you and May have a different challenge of DBing with your H right there in your home. I honestly cannot even imagine how either of you do it. I think in both of your sitches it might benefit you to just let them go. In May's case, I think he needs to go out there and let his A fail. In your case, I do also worry about your safety -- emotionally and physically. He is really a mess, all over the map and he is not respecting you and caring for your well being. It is easy for us to put a label on that and call it abuse or whatever, but only you know what you have in front of you. In any relationship, there will be issues, but you should never feel afraid to be yourself. You always have the right to have your space, to say "no," and to not feel that you will be punished for your own imperfections. It is not healthy to live with that constant stress :-((( I was in a very bad relationship in my younger years, during/after HS, and I recall how uneasy I always felt. It took me time to get out of there, but looking back on that I can now see how unhealthy and toxic it was. I made a million excuses for him because it was too painful to see what it really was. But it was him. And that was his to own. It wasn't my fault and my H's A was not my fault either, even tho we did have a lot of issues and I was a cr-p wife. We all have to make that healthy detachment, together or apart. Codependency easily becomes toxic in any long term R if we don't work on it and keep healthy detachment.
This might be the hardest and most traumatizing experience of your life. I have been through some crazy things (most I have not shared here) but I still believe that my H's A and him leaving me for those 10 months was the hardest thing I have ever been through. I had constant anxiety, I couldnt eat, sleep or even think. There were so many days (most days) I did not think I would ever be okay. I thought about dying, not waking up. ODing, and a life of instability and misery. The darkest days of my life. I felt like I was broken and might never be okay. But there was this deep seeded, and almost invisible, little voice or light, that knew I would eventually be okay if I just kept trying and trying and gave it more time. I don't know if it was because I had to make it through for my kids or because I cognitively understood humans are resilient, but whatever it was it was in there. I know you have that too. If you cannot find it, then I am asking you to just trust me on this.
IT WILL NOT BE THIS WAY FOREVER. THINGS WILL GET BETTER IN TIME. I know right now you are spinning and terrified and in a state of shock, but I want you to understand that in time things will get better.
If there is any advice I want to give you right now, it is just to wake up each day and just get through it. Think of your H like a jar of pickles and shove him to the back of the fridge -- he can sit back there for now. You wake up, you shower, you tend to those kids, you eat, sleep, you read, you walk, and you allow yourself some small moments of joy or laughter. You are going to mess up a ton and break the rules. F it! We all do. A man that is healthy and strong will love you for those F ups. He is not that man right now, so just leave him in the back of the fridge. This is enough for now. Can you do that? Can you just trust that each day and week and month this will get a little bit easier if you believe?
Blu
Last edited by Cadet; 07/01/2012:10 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Last edited by job; 07/02/2002:31 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
