I found out about my husbands affair on Feb 25th - he went from a kind husband, to cruel & uncaring that day, Feb 25th. Spent a few weeks where he was trying to convince me that he could have both of us, he could compartmentalize, it would work. She was the best friend he ever had. He finally stopped seeing her and then stopped talking to her (So he said - in retrospect - probably not) - that took about 3 weeks.
The next month, he made efforts, we were going on walks, talking - really getting along, good conversation - he is impressed at the changes I have made - and says he knows I have really have changed. He would say he loved me. He would say I had so many great qualities, as a person, as a friend. Then after a great Saturday night walking on the beach, Sunday a complete reversal - he was done - its over - he is going to leave.
He says he truly believes I have made fundamental changes, and that things would be better between us, but he does not love me or have that 'emotional' connection any longer. He is leaving. For the time he is here, will continue to consider us...but he is no longer trying.
He exercises obsessively every day, takes testosterone shots, human growth shots, minoxidil for his hair line - and dressing in concert T shirts like a 20 yr old. And talking to me in a cold tone with cold uncaring eyes. He does not seem to care even for the kids.
He is back to seeing the OW, I didnt know for a couple of weeks, but I caught him sneaking out. Now we are in an awful state - living under the same roof - while he is in an active EA/PA - staying out all night a couple times of week to be with the OW. But enjoying the family life during the day. It's an open marriage and its painful, and its right in my face.
I am struggling with asking him to leave. I had asked him to stay, but this route is very painful, and difficult to DB.
Me: 50 Husband: 49 D: 16 S: 13 Married for 23 years D Day: Feb 25th 2020 Emotional & Physical affair Dec 2019
Last edited by BlueSea; 06/01/2008:54 PM.
M:50 H:49 D:16 S:13 M:23 T:25 BD: Feb 25th 2020 EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020 Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
Alot of things happened for me yesterday. 1. Light bulb moment spurred on by Gingers post about not being a doormat, and understanding what that meant I needed to do. 2. Kids telling me they just want me to be done with him, I have asked them to be nice - they don't want to be, and don't want him here anymore. They don't like him, and do not like how I am tolerating all this. 3. His email. I just felt numb about it. 4. Nothing changed. He stepped out all last night, 11pm to 5am.
Last night, I ended up driving around, bought some vodka - parked in my own driveway - and drank. I am not a drinker. What I do remember telling him, was that all the wife activities (laundry, cooking, cleaning for him) would be stopping - that this was something I could not do going forward without growing resentment towards him. He tried to respond that he had no expectations and he could help clean...but I clipped him off. I just wanted to have my say - because he ALWAYS has had expectations that I do all that for him. (hovering over the dinner pans and asking what is his - not touching anything in the kitchen, leaving his laundry basket overflowing)
I let him know that the kids have issues with all this and him, and that I would not be running interference any longer. They will be treating him based on how they feel. That is up to him to handle his own relations with them. - He says with sarcasm, "sure, they think I am the bad guy" - I felt he was baiting me, and did not respond. That would just be argument territory and I did not want to get waylaid there.
He told me that the email was just him taking one brick off the 'resentment wall' he has for me. That he still has alot of resentment against me. That he can not be with me in any way yet. That whatever books I am reading or advice I am getting, is working. He needs his time and space to figure things out. I did alot of nodding and agreeing. He rarely says anything so I just listened. He hugged me, he told me I really looked good. And then I left the room. In an hour he left the house.
I guess after all that - I was really surprised that he stepped out last night. During our conversation, he said he knew it was hard on me, and I told him that the next day after he is out all night is really hard on me - and I let him know that I could not handle that for too long. But he went anyway. So there you have it, he does not care.
Quote Believe nothing of what they say and half of what they do....
My sadness is turning the corner to anger. And it seems like its going to be alot easier to detach now. Plus, hearing the kids hurt, is fueling the momma bear. I feel little parts of me assembling, coming together in pieces. My plans for today are to DB hard and tend to the kids and myself.
M:50 H:49 D:16 S:13 M:23 T:25 BD: Feb 25th 2020 EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020 Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
I just read this from BluWave posts, its perfect in a every way...
Quote
What I wish I could have also done differently and what I tell people here is to LET THEM GO. It's so simple it's hard to understand. When a person hurts us and rejects us, we cannot be nice, be friendly, and hope they will love us again. We can and should tell ourselves that we are worthy of more, we deserve better, and go dark. They do not deserve our attention, to see us weak, or to know our thoughts and feelings.
It wasnt until I let go of H and started to see a life without him that he realized what he was losing. It took me 10 months to hold my head up, let him go, and show the world I deserve better than this fool! No one wants a needy, sad, or weak person. No one wants someone angry or raging at them. No one is attracted to someone waiting for them as they are actively rejecting them. Again, so simple it's hard to understand.
Hold your head up high. Go dark. Let him go. And you take that time to take care of number one. You are number one. If sees over time that you are a beautiful and strong woman that is too good for him, then he can maybe prove to you that he deserves another chance. Maybe.
M:50 H:49 D:16 S:13 M:23 T:25 BD: Feb 25th 2020 EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020 Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
BluWave’s advice is impeccable. She had the gift of hindsight to share what you quoted, however. Not that it changes the validity of her advice, but it is SO hard to get there in the moment you (and I) are both in.
But it sounds like you are doing a great job right now of detaching and staying in the present moment. You are in limbo... and I have so much empathy and admiration for how you are coping with it all. If you read BluWave’s threads from start to finish, you will learn that she struggled so much in the beginning to detach. She fell victim to what all of us do: the begging, crying, pleading, sadness, rage. And she learned that it didn’t work. But what I am slowly realizing is that those emotions are instigators to detachment. Human nature can only stay in pain for so long before we start to move away from it. For survival.
You are deserving of great love. Of faithfulness. Of not being hurt in this way. Don’t forget that.
I just read this from BluWave posts, its perfect in a every way...
Quote
What I wish I could have also done differently and what I tell people here is to LET THEM GO. It's so simple it's hard to understand. When a person hurts us and rejects us, we cannot be nice, be friendly, and hope they will love us again. We can and should tell ourselves that we are worthy of more, we deserve better, and go dark. They do not deserve our attention, to see us weak, or to know our thoughts and feelings.
It wasnt until I let go of H and started to see a life without him that he realized what he was losing. It took me 10 months to hold my head up, let him go, and show the world I deserve better than this fool! No one wants a needy, sad, or weak person. No one wants someone angry or raging at them. No one is attracted to someone waiting for them as they are actively rejecting them. Again, so simple it's hard to understand.
Hold your head up high. Go dark. Let him go. And you take that time to take care of number one. You are number one. If sees over time that you are a beautiful and strong woman that is too good for him, then he can maybe prove to you that he deserves another chance. Maybe.
BluWave’s advice is impeccable. She had the gift of hindsight to share what you quoted, however. Not that it changes the validity of her advice, but it is SO hard to get there in the moment you (and I) are both in.
But it sounds like you are doing a great job right now of detaching and staying in the present moment. You are in limbo... and I have so much empathy and admiration for how you are coping with it all. If you read BluWave’s threads from start to finish, you will learn that she struggled so much in the beginning to detach. She fell victim to what all of us do: the begging, crying, pleading, sadness, rage. And she learned that it didn’t work. But what I am slowly realizing is that those emotions are instigators to detachment. Human nature can only stay in pain for so long before we start to move away from it. For survival.
You are deserving of great love. Of faithfulness. Of not being hurt in this way. Don’t forget that.
Sage, I hear what you are saying. However, nothing worthwhile is life is easy! Yes, this approach Blu laid out is hard. But look at how she voices the opposite:
"No one wants a needy, sad, or weak person. No one wants someone angry or raging at them. No one is attracted to someone waiting for them as they are actively rejecting them."
I think of an ex-gf I had when I was in my late teens. I met this girl and she fell hard. Very hard. She was almost obsessed. So much to the point that she accused me of cheating because she heard that "I was a really big flirt". I WAS SEVENTEEN! Of course I was a big flirt. It took me months, after breaking up with her, to get her to accept the break-up. She'd still call me everyday. She'd show up at places I was at (her best friend was dating a friend of mine). I pretty much had to be rude to finally get her to stop. 2 years later something weird happened. It had been 6 months since I had heard from her. and the 6 months prior to that was her trying to convince me she had moved on. "I am dating a guy, he's this and has that." It was obvious to me she was trying to make me jealous. But after that 6 months with NC went by II started to wonder about her.
I called her. She was happy to hear from me but her whole demeanor related to me had changed. It kicked in my chase instinct and suddenly I started wanting to date her again! If you had told me a year before that I would become the chaser I would have scoffed. But by her stopping chasing me, and in fact running the other way, it kicked in a predator instinct in me! "She's mine, and I will get her back!"
We never did get back, after a few weeks of chasing, and realizing that she was completely over me, I gave up. But the point is that notice the difference. Most LBSs fail in what Blu says because THEY DON'T truly move on. They just want to make their WAS think they've moved on. WAS have excellent instincts related to this, and will know you are just trying to manipulate them. It is only after you truly have given up and moved on that sometimes the WAS will start wondering what changed.
So yes it is hard. But it only hard because most LBSs, and LBWs in particular, are too afraid to actually drop the rope, give up on their WAS, and move on. It can be done. Many have done it. And eventually the WAS comes crawling back. Some of the LBSs accept them back and begin to work on MR 2.0. Many have truly moved on by that point and are completely over their WAS. The difference is that in that case the choice is up to the LBS, not the WAS!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you Sage for your support! really appreciate it - much needed.
Steve, I totally get that - makes so much sense, its the execution I am failing on. You have seen that I subscribe to the "show him the change" dynamic (from LH here: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2894915&page=5) all within the constraints of DB. But I am finding that it is not possible to function when H stepping out openly. It goes against my core values and having this happen is literally whittling me down as a person. I have been thinking all day.
I received this from him in email when I had asked for a clarification yesterday:
I was trying to imply that there was a time no so long ago when I couldn't imaging staying and that I felt like there was literally no chance we would work out and there was no reason to stay other than the kids.
That's not the case now.
While I still am struggling to see any future (staying or going) that is not unhappy right now, at least this one is not as dead as I once thought it was.
Honestly I can't tell you exactly what has changed. Maybe I am still holding a grudge and slowly letting that go. Maybe you are also proving that you are committed to being different and I'm seeing that perseverance. Whatever it is, at least I feel like I have taken a half step back from the edge of the abyss. I'm not trying to be dramatic. That's what it has felt like for a while.
As for the other part, I do understand what you are saying. I'm not sure how to be more respectful or discrete. I'm inherently being disrespectful so there is no getting around that.
As for descrete, I'm trying, but it's not really possible. I'm carving out a few hours in the middle of the night so I can't really be any more discrete. While the rest of you have bedrooms, I sleep on one of two couchs so it's pretty easy for everyone in the house to see if I'm there or not. I continue to try and be discrete even though you clearly let me know you know by checking the garage camera in the middle of the night and leaving on all the lights.
I know you didn't sign up for this. If the situation becomes unbearable for either of us, let's have an adult conversation about me moving out. That would be a reasonable next step while I try to figure out what my future looks like and honestly that is a more respectful option.
Do I consider this progress in the right direction? Since I have engaged in enough R stuff (above emails) I just lay low today. I feel very sad today as I am waffling on this huge decision of what to do next. Is what I am doing the right thing - being validated by his email? Even if it was, I definitely can not keep this up.
If he leaves - either by my request or his choice - I think that will be the end for ME in pursuing this marriage any longer. There is a sense of abandonment that comes with the absence that I don't think I could get over.
How I hate all of this.
M:50 H:49 D:16 S:13 M:23 T:25 BD: Feb 25th 2020 EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020 Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
Before you ask him to leave, you need to know whether you are in a financial position to keep everything going without his assistance. If you are, then I recommend telling him that he should leave. He might not actually want to leave. The OW might not actually want him to move in with her. He might decide to leave and they might blow up quickly. Or he might leave and jump into a relationship with her. Even if its the latter, you'll pick yourself up and recover with time.
