Just got an email from Amazon, my delivery of the DBing book is not going to be here today after all.
/sigh
How are you doing reading all the links I gave you?
THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^
After I got Cadet's welcome email I went through and read everyone of the links he provided. In detail. I would occasionally go back and reread them all (actually I am due to do that again). Knowledge is power, The Texan. Learn all you can!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Just got an email from Amazon, my delivery of the DBing book is not going to be here today after all.
/sigh
How are you doing reading all the links I gave you?
Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by Cadet
Originally Posted by TheTexan
Just got an email from Amazon, my delivery of the DBing book is not going to be here today after all.
/sigh
How are you doing reading all the links I gave you?
THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^
After I got Cadet's welcome email I went through and read everyone of the links he provided. In detail. I would occasionally go back and reread them all (actually I am due to do that again). Knowledge is power, The Texan. Learn all you can!
I noticed that list of links was the first reply to everyone's first post so I had been going through them since Friday. I have read the first couple of pages of all of them. Speaking of which the link to "Stages of the LBS" works but the first post of that thread is all about another link which is broken.
sandi2's thread "LBH with a Wayward Wife" seems to be one the most helpful right now.
So I had planned on confronting the wife in an attempt to find out for sure if the EA was really a PA. I ended up not having to.
My W had been in a really foul mood when she got home from work on Sunday, but I didn't engage with that mess and left it alone. Monday (yesterday) she again was still in this mood and taking it out on her D20 as they spent the day doing errands together. The D20 was texting me the whole time asking me WTH was wrong with her and that she was about to slap the $%^& out of her mom. I just told her to try and ignore it as best as possible and to not fight with her mom.
So last night when I told my W that we needed to talk, she pretty much just instantly broke down sobbing that she had "messed" everything up. I asked what she meant. She said "everything". "Our marriage, my friendship with OM, everything". I asked her what happened and she told me why she had been in such a bad mood....
As I mentioned before the OM is a co-worker. My wife only works 12 hour shifts on Sat and Sun and the OM works during the week and on Sat so they only see each other on Sat. However on Sunday the OM called my W at work to check if a shipment had come in, upon finding out it had not he told my W "(explicative), that means I have to come in for a bit today". To which my wife replied "Good, that means I get to see you" (yes that means she was not fully disengaged from the EA). Now here is where it gets funny ... to me at least. Apparently the idiotic OM had called my W on speaker phone and his W was standing next to him and she blew up like a bomb. This started WW3 in his MR and he of course became very angry with my W. She hung up and texted him that she was "sorry but was done and was going to leave him alone." He gave no response. It really took everything I had in me to not ROFLMAO. She went on to say she wished she had never pursued anything with him b/c he was a friend first and now she lost even that.
Still sobbing she went on to apologize to me for "basically cheating on me". I asked "how so", she confessed to kissing and some essentially heavy petting but nothing further. (I don't like this, but as I mentioned previously, as long as not full on intercourse I think I can get passed it). She started beating herself up and saying she can't believe she did this to me, to him, to everyone. I just let her break herself down nodding and occasionally saying "yeah" or "ok". I made it a point to never tell her it would be OK or that I forgave her, or anything to make her think her behavior was accepted.
At this point it was getting late and I had to take step-D20's BF home (his car is broke down) and my W went to bed. As I was dropping the D20-BF off, I got a text from the W: "Don't be shocked, I made a drink and I'm up writing. Please don't bother me or let D20. Love you.", I simply replied "OK sounds cathartic. Love you too." (Yes I know that is an improper use of the word cathartic, it's just what popped into my head as I was trying to drive away from the BF house.)
When I got home, I did have to go in the Bed Room to change clothes and the W was sitting on the best crying. I ignored this and said, "just need to change and I'll be out of your hair" and went into the Master Bath (where the closet is) to change. On my way out, I didn't say a word and when I got to the door she asked me to stay. When I sat on the bed, I noticed she had written about a page of stuff, but I didn't even try to read it. She started sobbing again and said she had made things even worse. Apparently while I was gone, she decided to text OM (since she hadn't gotten a response earlier) to make sure he understood things were over between them. Since it was late she had assumed he would be asleep and would not get a response that night. She was partially right. OM WAS asleep, but OM's W was not. My W got a response, she didn't tell me what it was, but I can only imagine the utter hell the OM must be in right about now. A thought about just deserts crosses my mind but I didn't mention that. I simply said "well, I'm not sure what to tell you". She went on sobbing, and beating herself up over her actions and wondering out loud how she got here, how it was not her, or who she thought she was. I just listened.
When she was done, she wanted to know what was next. I told her that I had taken our recent problems and discussions as a wake up call that I hadn't been living the life that I had wanted and in a way that was right for me. I told her that I deserved to be in a relationship with someone that was both in love with me and attracted to me. I told her that I could not make her fall back in love with me and I wasn't even going to try, because I didn't make her fall in love with me the first time. It was her choice the first time and would have to be her choice if she fell in love with me again or not. I told her either way THIS marriage was over, and I was going to build a new life, one where I was more of who I used to be, one where I was living instead of just surviving. I told her I was doing this for me, because it was what I needed and what I deserved. I told her that if she still wanted to date me, we could see where it went, and maybe if we found our way back to each other that we could begin a "new" marriage (symbolically speaking) and try to do better with that one.
I know this probably broke most if not all of the DB'ing rules without even have received the book yet, but when I was done I saw something in her eyes that I hadn't seen in a long long time. Just a hint of a spark of interest. The only thing she said, was "will you hold me?" and I did, until she fell asleep. That was the first time in probably 10 years she wanted that. Now, I have already read enough here to know that this was probably just a short lived moment of weakness on her part, or some attempt to keep me hanging on, and I am not going to read too much into it, but I now feel like the stage is properly set for me to distance and detach and see if she starts coming back to me.
I don't see anything really egregious in what you did or said. You let her be the one to initiate. However, I do have to warn you.
I've been through 2 EAs of my W's. In both cases, after the EA ended she was inconsolable. It wasn't because she was sorry it happened. It wasn't because she felt bad for what she did to me or to our family. In both cases she was mourning the loss of the R with the OM. I know you think she is showing remorse for the EA (the EAs in your case). She is not. She is sorry she got caught and she is grieving the loss of the OM. It is a very difficult thing to watch, to know your W is pining for another guy even when the EA has blown up and has no way of moving forward.
I would also caution you that what she has admitted to is likely not the whole truth. Rarely do people in affairs just come forward with the details of the affair. They will almost always water it down and make seem more harmless than it was. In my W's case, the only reason neither EA had gone to a full blown PA was because of the distance between her and the OM. The first one was in our state, but over an hour away (and married with his own family). The second was several states away (and a complete loser with no money to make a trip). My W admitted to some inappropriate sexual talk in the first EA. I never knew if there had been more than that, though it was before digital photography was pervasive so I don't think it got any further than that. In the second EA, she once again admitted to some inappropriate sexual talk (even though the chats I discovered eluded to pictures being sent). I found later that she had in fact taken and sent him nude photos.
We have a saying around here: Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do. I would take her admission with a huge grain of salt.
But your approach is right. You need to GAL, 180 and continue to learn and employee healthy detachment (self-differentiation in marriage). I like that you told her your focus was on you. Now just follow through with action! LBS and WAS are similar in that they often will say and do not! ACTIONS not WORDS. So be sure to follow through.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you Steve85 for your words of wisdom and encouragement. It is exactly what I need right now.
I have been wanting to do some woodworking stuff, but my garage is too full, so I will try to start getting it cleared out to make some room this weekend. I am also going to keep up the daily work outs. And of course keep making her come to me for conversations and affection and reading this book, if it ever gets here.
Oh speaking of books, my MC had recommended the book, "Hot Monogamy". Anyone read that and is it worth getting? Sounds like something more for later when the SSM is getting repaired rather than now but I may go ahead and read that too just to have the tips ready for the right time if it's worth it.
So I went downstairs to get some lunch, and my W came into the kitchen and told me she was "spinning out", she was "going crazy" and might go take a drive to clear her head. I asked if she wanted any lunch before she went. Before she could answer her phone rang, it was the friend of hers that helped solve our "soap" problem. I know it was her because this friend talks VERY loudly, I can tell it's her even when I'm upstairs in my office and I was only about 5 feet away. My W asked her if she could come over and talk, the friend agreed. My W made 2 sandwiches, grabbed the journal she was writing in last night, came up and gave me about a 1 min hug (which never happens), then kissed me and said ILU. I said it back and she said she would be back around 5:00 or so (there have been calls on the internet for for riots in my area for tonight) and she left.
This being my W's best friend and confidant, I am sure there will be a lot of openness (maybe not completely) and discussion until the poor dead horse is thoroughly beaten. I have no idea what kind of advice this friend will give though. Although for better or worse, it will probably be in my favor. I'll let you guys know what transpires when she gets home.
I read your thread yesterday and I'm going to give you my broad take. First, sorry you're here. This [censored], but you can choose to look at the bright side of it and be positive. You have this opportunity and the impetus for growth and true happiness.
Your W is reading out of the same book the other WW's do. I think you made a mistake by saying the open marriage would be OK as a last resort. People make mistakes when they get emotional, so you try to detach and stay in your right mind all the time.
Your focus should begin to shift off of everything she is doing. She is spinning, going crazy, and she even said as much. You need to protect yourself and take care of yourself. You can't fix her through any talking or chivalry. God knows I tried every trick in the book to get my W back but ultimately it was confidence in myself and not pursuing her that let her think about changing her mind.
All the things your W is doing are out of your hands. Let go of the stuff you can't control and focus on what you can. That's where you find true happiness my friend. I'd get out and GAL and think about what you will and won't put up with. I don't think that means you have to decide your in or out of this marriage immediately, but with all the stunts she is pulling maybe you don't want to hug and kiss and hang out. That's up to you though.
Anyways, best of luck to you.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I have no idea what was was said at the friend's house, I didn't ask, and all she offered was that she needed to find herself. I only said, I agree. She was definitely colder and more distant. I didn't pursue or ask any questions. She asked if we could go get some pizza and go play cards with her Sister. So we did. I only partially did this for the W, but also for my SiL since her husband is a police officer and has been out dealing with riots for days. She is a basket case of worry and anything to help take her mind off for a bit is a blessing.
Wife was colder and distant while in the car all directions and while eating. At her Sister's she put on a mask and wasn't quite as cold. I laughed internally at the farce of it all. She went to bed shortly after we go home, but as always insisted on her goodnight kiss. I reluctantly obliged.
