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kas99 Offline OP
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I called in sick to work today after posting that and instantly felt relief so let me try this again. I came here to try to save my marriage not realizing the only thing I could save was me. It's sad that the kids are collateral damage in H's new life but I don't have control over that. It will crush me when he remarries but I will have peace knowing he will not be happy. Maybe she's younger, prettier, richer and more fabulous than I will ever be but in the end he's still him. I've known him for 30 years and on the inside he's exactly the same.

I've come a long...long way since I came here 14 months ago. I'm happiER despite the monumental loss, grateful, closer to my kids, less stressed and have less anxiety. D14 isn't happy with H and wants to live with me. She just isn't willing to give up her own bedroom. Maybe the universe will intervene but if it doesn't I have no choice but to accept it. See this is evidence of my growth the ability to accept what life throws at me even if I don't like it.

This will be financially devastating but I'm a survivor. I'll be okay. Just now I googled "rooms for rent" and right away found one for $500 a month with a private bath. The owner is a retired woman living alone. Couple of others are situations where 2-3 women share a house. Before the BD I'd never in a million years consider such a bold move but now? Sounds fun. And this includes utilities AND internet!! I'm a hermit and with the cash I'd save I could do fun things while saving up for when I age out of that lifestyle or just keeping finding more old single women to live with. lol

I miss H, our life, our dreams, our future and I'm jealous that SHE took my place....sigh but I know what she got because I already had it. I'm guessing it just takes time to grieve all that I have lost.

We get the kittens tomorrow which will be a nice distraction. I'm tired now so I'm going to go take a nap. If you made it this far thanks for reading.

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Regarding renting rooms, are you now thinking of living all on your own w/out any custody of your kids? Or are you just envisioning life after your kids go to college?

I understand 14 year olds have their priorities and much growing up to do. I know that if one parent bribes or does the Disney parent thing, that works in the short term but backfires long term when the kids mature and realize they were used as pawns. That is why my ex did with my older son. Sometimes it takes kids many, many years to see what was done to them. Sometimes, they see it faster.

In my opinion, I agree with you that forcing her to move somewhere she does not want to will drive a wedge between you two. Yes, you may able to do it legally but it’s hard to fight that battle before kids mature a bit to see the bigger picture. Because you may win in court but when it’s time to enforce it, it drives the kids to the Disney parent.

However, this does warrant a come to Jesus conversation with her discussing that you do want her there; love is not contingent on your own room. This is temporary and better times are to come. Even if you don’t win this battle, it’s important to still sow seeds saying you want her with you, you wish you could provide better and that she should not abandon going to you because of this. Personally, I think this is a message to reinforce over and over again. People fall on hard times and love is unconditional. Again, this is so that worst case scenario she just remembers hearing the message and it shapes her and her values. Best case scenario is she turns around.

I don’t know what state you live in, but my very rudimentary handle on divorce with kids is that it is severely disadvantageous to have 2 households with vastly different qualities of life. Weren’t you a stay at home mom? If the support is not such that you both have somewhat comparable households, how does this impact the kids and their relationships with each parent. Can’t your lawyer sure this example w/D14 as evidence?

In general my understanding is all arguments need to be framed as “what is in the best interest of the kids?” The answer is: two loving homes with comparable lifestyles so that this kind of scenario does not exist. This is in the best interest of the kids.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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kas99 Offline OP
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Regarding renting rooms, are you now thinking of living all on your own w/out any custody of your kids? Or are you just envisioning life after your kids go to college?


Life after they move out.

Quote
I understand 14 year olds have their priorities and much growing up to do. I know that if one parent bribes or does the Disney parent thing, that works in the short term but backfires long term when the kids mature and realize they were used as pawns. That is why my ex did with my older son. Sometimes it takes kids many, many years to see what was done to them. Sometimes, they see it faster.


D14 is here now and she gets it more than I gave her credit for.....but giving up Disney for a tent in the backyard isn't something that sounds appealing to her. He's treating her worse than ever though but disney.

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In my opinion, I agree with you that forcing her to move somewhere she does not want to will drive a wedge between you two. Yes, you may able to do it legally but it’s hard to fight that battle before kids mature a bit to see the bigger picture. Because you may win in court but when it’s time to enforce it, it drives the kids to the Disney parent


He's out every night until 2am now but he buys her expensive things.

Quote
However, this does warrant a come to Jesus conversation with her discussing that you do want her there; love is not contingent on your own room. This is temporary and better times are to come. Even if you don’t win this battle, it’s important to still sow seeds saying you want her with you, you wish you could provide better and that she should not abandon going to you because of this. Personally, I think this is a message to reinforce over and over again. People fall on hard times and love is unconditional. Again, this is so that worst case scenario she just remembers hearing the message and it shapes her and her values. Best case scenario is she turns around.


She came over tonight to talk and I gave her a version of this speech. I can't guarantee a nicer house but we're a family and we love her even S19. S19 says he doesn't want her with H either. Says he's a pos and CPS needs to be called. They won't care but I appreciated the sentiment.

Quote
I don’t know what state you live in, but my very rudimentary handle on divorce with kids is that it is severely disadvantageous to have 2 households with vastly different qualities of life. Weren’t you a stay at home mom? If the support is not such that you both have somewhat comparable households, how does this impact the kids and their relationships with each parent. Can’t your lawyer sure this example w/D14 as evidence?


The attorney I interviewed said there is a huge disparity in income so she will fix that. The only relationship it has affected is the one I have with D14.

Quote
In general my understanding is all arguments need to be framed as “what is in the best interest of the kids?” The answer is: two loving homes with comparable lifestyles so that this kind of scenario does not exist. This is in the best interest of the kids.


Working on this. I'm just so scared that this isn't even remotely going my way.

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You do realize that she sent you a picture of an empty fridge and a dead rat? How is that like Disney and your house like a tent? She constantly complains of no food in the house. And she says he treats her awful.

The last time I was at Disney, there was tons of food and happiness and everyone treated you like gold.

I am so confused. So as long as you live in a big house, even if it has nothing in it, like people, food, or love, it’s the better option? YOU actually view it that way and your D14 does?

You have a lot of disillusionment . Bigger just seems to be better to you and you have a hard time showing D14 otherwise because you believe it too.

Home is where love is. Food in the fridge helps too.

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No, this disparity in the 2 households has affected all the children, not just daughter 14. That is my whole point! It impacts all children to know there are 2 different standards involved. Even if the other 2 are living with you because if he has more then it creates resentment for those 2 kids. And that impacts their relationship with each of you. The goal is to set it up so that each child has a healthy relationship with each parent. If you have less the kids worry about you more and that is not healthy for you all either. If long term you are awarded less (which I do not believe will happen), this makes it harder for you to care for yourself long term and you make the case you don’t want to be a burden to your kids. Rather, you want to care FOR them. This needs to be hammered home.

You are bringing some sort of defeatist attitude to this all. You need to get an attitude of entitlement. That is a long term marriage, you were a SAHM, it was a partnership and that is YOUR money, too. Please repeat this over and over so that it is conveyed to your lawyer and the judge. And it is in the best interest of ALL kids. Please start believing it.

Do you have text conversations indicating lack of food at his place, rats, proof of neglect (that he is out all night)?, etc. Print all these out and be ready to show them in court. Give them to your lawyer. Text convos between my ex and the kids sunk my ex. It helps to have your convos with her, but if you have convos between her and him, that helps A LOT! However, you don’t want to involve her in this to the point that it damages her r with him/turns her against him. My kids were young so I still had full access to their phones. His convos with them were so damaging the judge actually warned him he has issues.

You are bringing some sort of prior issues to this all and projecting them onto this situation. I suspect it’s because of childhood issues. Being treated badly but staying for the money is a conversation you need to have with your daughter. It is not love. No man should ever treat her like she can be bought. Huge mental course correction needed here for d 14.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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kas99 Offline OP
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I need a nap. I can’t make D14 move in with me. H is neglecting her but where I live she’s living the life of luxury. I live in the poorest, fattest, dumbest state. A judge might be swayed but then she’d hate me. It’s not worth it. She’s not starving, he buys her nice things, she has a nice house, etc. It will be fair once I get support but unless I can get a 4 bedroom house she’s not going to move.

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kas99 Offline OP
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I’m leaning towards a visitation schedule. Something structured, predictable even if she doesn’t sleep here.

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Unless I miss my guess, and I’m pretty sure I’m right since we here in Arkansas say thank God for your state all the time because it keeps us from ranking last in those categories, we are neighbors. (Waves from the West!)

I think Ginger and HaWho has great points and I agree with both of them. What bothers me about your situation and I think speaks to HaWho’s point is your repeated assertions that you can’t make d14 move. You may not want to rock that boat, which I totally understand, but unless custody has been stripped from you for whatever reason, you CAN make her move. Now, I’m not necessarily suggesting you should, but someone (Ginger I think) pointed out that she is learning a very big lesson in the message of it is ok to stay with H despite the fact that she doesn’t really want to be there because she has her own room (read gets her way) and he buys her stuff. That is a really frightening precedent to set for her because she will be less likely to value herself as an adult and be more likely to be sucked in by someone who mistreats her as long as they buy her stuff to appease her on occasion.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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I don’t really think she has the ability to make her move since most courts would listen to the desires of a 14 year old in terms of which parent they want to live with.

I worry about the lack of supervision.

Just keep being the warm fun family home where she will want to be, she’s learning her dad isn’t really interested in her.


Trust it will work out.

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I’m kind of lost. It bounces back and forth between it being Disney world over there and miserable.

You paint so many different pictures.

What’s your daughters reality? What does she say to you? Are you just making up things in your mind that she is so much happier having her own room and gifts? Or is she actually happier being a family and having food on the table.

What is her reality? What has she expressed to you?

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