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Interesting conversation w/your wife. She's in a relationship, but she doesn't want you to be in one. Sounds to me like she wants to ensure that you are right where she left you...but unfortunately, that is not going to happen. How would the children be in danger?

I see she is still not looking within and blaming you for whatever the "bad stuff" is. Projection.

I am glad that you are still planning to take the children to see their grandparents. I'm sure they are already questioning everything she's doing...but she doesn't want them to know everything because she knows that they are watching her and most likely attempting to talk to her about it.

I'm glad Christmas was good otherwise. You sound like you've found your footing and know what you need to do. I hope that the rest of the holiday season will good for you and your children.


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Glad your Xmas was good!

Your W and OM getting back together does not surprise me

Only time will tell which way her MLC takes her

On these boards we mostly see the MLC taking a dive into destruction and the years seem to bring them deeper down in the pits.
I do think therapy might help someone choose better, even if they are not finished with the crises

she seems civil..yes still blaming and wanting to control you-

hopefully you and her can still find some co parenting partnership- and as time goes on everything else will hopefully fade
as long as she can accept your choices-
sure--she wants to see you alone and waiting

a bit egotistical of her to think you want her back-

another form of denial of reality im sure


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Good Morning Hamburg

W is still walking around in her tunnel, unable to see beyond its emotional walls.

From pride for OM, defending OM, mocking about “this is not what you want to hear”, telling you to be nice, crying, upset that you are in an R, to smug. Then on to worry about what her parents may or may not hear about.

Oh, she sounds like a teenager. The dumping the truce upon your shoulders and only your shoulders allows her to do whatever she wants and to blame you when she feels things went wrong or you broke the truce. Again, such an adolescent outlook. Not much inner growth shown yet. She is still baking.

Good for you taking the kids to see their Grandparents. And if that strains W’s relationship with her parents, so be it. Her actions and decisions have consequences, and the world is not here to make her fantasy a reality.

Originally Posted by Hamburg
She said it would strain her relationship with her parents if we go again. I informed her that is not the case and we are going later this week.

Most definitely keep your visit plans.

When speaking with W, instead of going head to head and trying to get her to see “that is not the case” just say “I’m sorry you feel that way”.

Let her feel right. Who cares. It’s her feelings, they are not permanent nor the truth. Right?

Let her be right. Oh, that one is tougher isn’t it. Ego. Remove your’s from the equation when dealing with her, with conflict. Right and wrong are dependent upon point of view. She will not admit nor be wrong in her mind. No point in fighting her on this. She needs to see her wrongness on her own.

And in actuality the upcoming visit probably will cause further strain between her and her parents. Still - I’m sorry you feel that way, but it is important for the children to see Grandma and Grandpa.

Enjoy the holiday season and the time with your children and GF. You’ve got a pretty wonderful life going on.

DnJ


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DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim, Offender

Right out of the standard playbook.

I recall Gordie's wife once being upset that he wasn't going to - physically - fight for her. She's trying to set up a triangle with you as one of the nodes. She obviously wants you to see OM as a competitor for her womanly charms so that she can pop popcorn and watch the drama. The fact that you have your own romantic interests are a threat to her centrality.

You are doing well in trying to keep it all business and not get sucked down her rabbit hole. It takes practice and not being in situations where you are obliged to engage with her.

Fortunately "crazy season" is almost over. Generally the ex-spouses go back down whatever rabbit hole they were in when things calm down.


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Thanks everyone. Touch and goes prior to this were 2-3 days maximum. This one was almost a month long. When she talked of OM she began to name his faults so many of us pointed out up front, things she defended so strongly at first. It threw all of us for a loop. When we talked she was so clear about many things. I guess that's why a small part of me expected differently. She admits some fault, but cannot name specific examples. I owned up to things I did with examples and stated how I have changed. It was a way for me to get some closure. She has moved on in a "healthy and natural manner" and still throws some soft daggers my way that I ignore.

OM family was involved early on and helped them orchestrate secret meetings while we were married. They were all together for the holiday and it still burns me to this day. I have seen his family out a couple of times and W got mad when they told her I ignored them when they approached me. I am clueless as to why they would expect me to talk to them.

Yes, the crazy season has been over for a while. We have spoken more in the past few weeks than we have in the entire past year.I was going to send her a letter for closure but I feel like I said everything that needed to be said. I am glad the drama is over.....at least for now.

W is financially strained and the last property settlement payment was made. The first few months of the year will be tough and I expect another touch and go then, but will keep my guard up for that one.

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Greetings everyone. Its been a while so time for an update.

D has been signed and finalized. Dust has settled and things have been calm.

Her R with OM fizzled slowly and is now over. She also lost her job around that time. We have talked a few times and I gave the typical "sorry for the tough times" . she did come onto me a bit and asked about my R, even asked if she could move in with me if needed. I said no. She surprisingly has not asked for financial help...yet, despite a mound of CC debt. She is attempting to reconnect with her family and I still get blamed for creating a wedge. Also, days after R was over she began dating a neighbor. She has done SOME work on herself but left a marriage into an R, then straight into another R. He is at least stable and seems to be a good guy, opposite of OM 1.

As for me, my R is going strong. Home life with the kids is going well and we are about to start summer. Hopefully we can take a vacation once things open back up.

Things I'm wondering

Why did she run to me when near rock bottom? It lasted about a week and then she put up another wall.

She seems to bounce right back into relationships and hasn't done much work on herself. Still blames others for her problems, unable to accept criticism or responsibility, etc... I don't understand why she just can't be alone. Is this R doomed?

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Why did she run to me when near rock bottom? It lasted about a week and then she put up another wall.


Because they like to think the LBS is waiting there as Plan B when their great romance falls apart. Don't worry - if she had been GENUINE in seeing the error of her ways and wanting to reconcile, she would have tried a helluva lot harder than that. She was just looking for an easy handout.

Go about your life. She's nowhere near being able to look inside and grow from this experience.

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That's what I figured. Still unable to take responsibility for anything and pass blame on others.

On the plus side there has been some communication between she and her family. First time in about a year. I hope all goes smoothly.

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Hello Hamburg

It’s mice to hear from you. I’m glad to see you doing so well; a strong R, good family times with the kids. And a vacation is an excellent idea.

Like kml said, XW is no where near ready to grow from this, yet.

People in crisis, people who hit rock bottom, or close to it, run to home. Like a wounded animal they seek shelter in that which feels safe. Her old memories are still there, rattling around in her addled mind. Those lost and unrealized feelings of happy times and the pull towards them.

She can’t yet face that though. So after a week up comes another wall, and off she runs again.

Plan B. Intentional or not. The irrational draw and idea that the LBS is, and will be, still available.

Keep living your great life and leave her to her’s.

DnJ


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Update some years later 

I continue with my R and it is going strong. Forming blended families is tough but also a blessing. Marriage is likely coming in the next year or so. 

Ex W still seems to come and go with regards to MLC. Further job loss, mountain of debt, working 24/7 and the kids complain about the stuff they have to deal with on her time. R with affair OM ended a while back and now she is with a more stable person. Once in 2020, she played the victim, tried to seduce me and asked for money and help. After I declined, she quickly went back to the vindictive one. More recently, after ANOTHER job loss and an eviction, once again asked for money and help. No seduction this time but did start crying when she asked to move in with me and just be roommates with no romantic ties (obviously would end my R but not hers). She did mention suicidal thoughts and I think this was for attention and nothing real. I spoke with her for several hours on the phone and calmed her down. I offered some financial assistance but nowhere near the amount she was asking for. In the end, I did not provide any help. Then, wrote her a letter with the "gloves off" telling her things (personality traits) she needs to fix for the betterment of the kids. Since that time she has been very short and has not asked for any help. 

She is in R for a couple of years now but still cannot stand me being in a stable R. She stated her R is not really that great and they live separate lives, are not close and there is no marriage or plans to do so. After her eviction, I asked why not move in with her R partner and it was not an option for some reason. She was supposed to move in with a family member, but that quickly fell through and now has another rental home--too small for a family of 3. I recently saw her for the first time in about a year, and she looks awful. Stressed, hair not done, no makeup, still nagging the kids about trivial stuff etc... I don't intend to sound mean, but this is a person who would spend 3 hours getting ready for the grocery store. It saddens me.

What worries me (and why I feel guilty) is that I know when she is stressed, the kids are feeling the brunt of it. I do not know of any way I can possibly help but know she is in turmoil, and thus the kids are too. However, she is making no attempts to reduce that stress so it is self inflicted. I know the formula: during her time of duress she spills her guts, wants to know info about me and my situation and is very nice. At all other times, she is short and not interested in anything about my life. I've kept my personal life very private from her but certain the kids are spilling information about it. They frequently ask my GF to be their mom (I discourage this) and tend to cling to females who are not as controlling or demanding as their mom. I am happy and feel confident in my current R, but feel devastated that the kids have to deal with their mother and her drama and turmoil. I wish there were a quick fix to things but alas just keep waiting for things to normalize for them. 

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