I'm not going to get my hopes up. Not going to do it just giving facts but two of my coworkers used the attorney I hired. They said they got some of the pension and we're all on the same pension plan (gov't). It's protected from a court order but the judge can order H to pay it out of what he gets. My attorney is super expensive but they say she will get me back what I paid in legal fees in a settlement. My boss (knows everyone) has been doing some investigating for me and says he hasn't heard one bad word about her other than she's expensive.
I don't need a lot but I think it's incredibly unfair that I gave up my career (15 years) and he gets to waltz out after 29 years for OW leaving me with barely enough money to rent anything. I understand I'll have a lot less money than him, I get I'll have to work until I'm 75, I understand my lifestyle just got blown to smithereens but seriously?
I'm NOT complaining I'm not because I know women personally who were left homeless after their husbands left them for OW. Houses went into foreclosure, wives/kids became squatters, no heat, no income, no food. I hope these men get incurable diseases and suffer painful, horrifying deaths. What kind of monster cares more about OW than feeding his own children? Oh wait I'm kinda still married to someone hovering at this league of neglect. If H didn't care about his reputation with his kids he'd have stopped paying once the lease was up. Gotta keep that credit score up for all that debt he's going to rack up.
I'm in a pretty good mood today. No idea why. I felt good before I got this news. Sometimes when I feel good I look around and try to tie it to something so I can do it again and again and again. Doesn't work that way but I still try. lol
This weekend was rough. Was working on my expenses for my attorney and I started fretting again, feeling bitter about the injustice of this.
My thoughts went dark until I remembered what S19 told me. S19 has a friend that he hasn't seen in a year. I'm not close to the family at all but I do know them. The mom makes a ton of money and I think this is her 2nd marriage. Her current husband has also been married before. They have this massive house, 5 new cars in the driveway and a bright shiny new ski boat. They appeared to be living the dream.
Anyway this friend said his family had gone "insane". I'm thinking it's just an expression until S19 went over there. He also said "insane" and said he felt awful just being there. Guess all the "stuff" isn't all that after all.
Yup. I knew a lot of wealthy people when I was married and lived in La Jolla, They were not any happier for it. Money only helps up to the point that it keeps the wolf from the door - I think in a study it showed that happiness doesn't increase with money above a family income of $75,000.
Plus -the other thing I learned living in that neighborhood is that just because people have the trappings of wealth, doesn't necessarily mean they're not drowning in debt. People can overspend their incomes even when those incomes are quite large.
Happiness comes from having CONTROL over your spending and finances (resourceful people can live better on less). It also comes from having good relationships, from job satisfaction, and from mastery (like art, music, hobbies and skills of various kinds).
My ex makes considerably more than I do (even now, when he's restricted to just his pension) yet I am the one who still has been able to help our son financially while he claims he can't. This is because I live in a less expensive (but actually nicer) house in a less pricey neighborhood, I take less expensive vacations (although I have still traveled), I don't spend as much on meals out and the like. If needed, I could save even more in the future (my grocery bill is higher than what I can do when I need to, I could buy things second-hand that I currently purchase new, etc.).
Helping your kids learn how to be resourceful and how to have fun without having to spend money are invaluable life lessons.
H went to therapy today. I know this because his flex card was declined and it's tied to my email account. I know this therapist because I'm the one who found her 4 years ago for him. At first it made me happy to see his money mistakes but this one stung. I'll block it now. He went because of D14 but I can't think about that.
He guilt tripped S19 into going camping this week for TWO nights. S19 hates camping. Last year S19 went ONCE and that was the end of that. That camping trip wasn't even over yet and H was trying to get S19 to commit to the NEXT trip. It made me remember when I used to do that. Clinging to these moments, anxious to repeat them because it's the only way I knew how to bond. It was all about me not them.
In my ex's case, it was about narcissism - he would gladly take everybody to do the things that HE was interested in doing, but had little patience for doing anything that wasn't to his taste. For instance - he would take all three LITTLE kids camping by himself when I worked weekends - because that's something he loved - but going to Disneyland with them he hated and almost never did, that was my job. (It's only an hour away and we only went once a year, but he whined and complained so much he practically ruined it for me.) He never ever would play a video game with our oldest Aspie son, or go to the gym with me (outdoor exercise ONLY for him!). But he was bitterly disappointed that I couldn't learn to surf (despite trying many times, and despite learning to ski, snowboard and rock climb to please him.). Our youngest son composes music but because it's not his cup of tea (electronic music) he couldn't even bother to pretend to appreciate it.
However, your S19 is old enough to express his opinion. If he went willingly camping, maybe he will like it more this time - or maybe he will accept that it's what it takes to get any quality time with his dad. If not, he'll be more sure in his decision to decline next time.
(BTW - funny story about the camping: Ex would take all 3 kids under 5 in our little hatchback out to a desert camping spot by himself. One time the toddler had a diaper blowout and pooped all over the tent lolol! This should have been a clue as to ex's manic tendencies but I didn't pick it up at the time.)
My H is the same way. Camping yes. Disneyland no. Video games no. Gym yes but treadmill only. Nothing kid related like cartoons or toys. Meme's no. Funny videos no. Homework no. School activities no. He'd show up but he hated it.
S19 has hated camping forever. Told me yesterday the only reason he is going because he couldn't say no. S19 goes once and then it's easier for him to say no. It's sort of his compromise.
Now this is what is INSANE. He convinced me that he was the "fun" parent and I believed him.
H went to therapy today. I know this because his flex card was declined and it's tied to my email account. He went because of D14 but I can't think about that.
Good news, right? You said his relationship with D14 is rough. His doing self-work is an excellent way to up his parenting--so your kids benefit from a happier and healthier father.
H went to therapy today. I know this because his flex card was declined and it's tied to my email account. He went because of D14 but I can't think about that.
Good news, right? You said his relationship with D14 is rough. His doing self-work is an excellent way to up his parenting--so your kids benefit from a happier and healthier father.
Ha ha....nope I was wrong. He doesn’t even know about D14 so something else isn’t going well if he’s willing to pay big bucks for therapy. This gal isn’t cheap and she doesn’t take insurance.
He’s camping for the entire week which also means things aren’t going well.
What? New life got you down? Don’t fret I hired a good attorney this time you’ll be free of me in no time.
Does it matter why he went? This is going to sound harsh but this is what I’ve been saying all along. Stop worrying about what he’s doing and why. You were so convinced it was D14 and now you say it isn’t. Your worrying about what he’s doing all the time is not going to help you move forward and THAT should be your focus. You expend way too much energy thinking and worrying about someone who absolutely doesn’t deserve it.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
