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(((Wayfarer))) Not as good as a mom hug for sure. I’m so sorry. It’s like your H is both acknowledging and asking for permission not to acknowledge? Whatever. Let yourself feel the way you need to feel, and take care of yourself. Give yourself the space to acknowledge this as a day of some significance to you, a day you are allowed to have all kinds of feelings about, and you will get through it. And then enjoy the dinner and drinks you have planned for you. Did you order dessert too?


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((((WF))))

I know this $ucks. You are the very best at this, you know... and your H still somehow finds the one tiny way to get you, usually by leaning in more than you expected. (And in thinking about this-- were you expecting him not to acknowledge it at all and you could both just pretend it wasn't today? So by saying something he knocked you off kilter?)

Not to mindread, but I would bet that for your H this anniversary carries some of the same feelings as moving back into the MBR. He's probably just as discombobulated as you are about it. And it isn't a bad thing in my mind that he acknowledged that to you.

Anyway, I hope you were able to let those emotions flow through you. Like Cardinal and Sage are saying, you totally deserve to have these feelings. It is OK. And, you are really good at listening to yourself and knowing what you need-- I'd spend some time doing that today, and then do it, whatever that might be. Dinner, whiskey, dessert, whatever.

Is your D ok? I'm assuming she might also remember it is your anniversary today... what if the two of you watched a girly movie and hung out?

You're incredibly strong. You absolutely have this. Know we are all here for you if you need.


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(((Wayfarer))))

Take it in. I wonder if that crappy acknowledgment of his is better than no acknowledgment? It was on his mind nevertheless.

I hope you are feeling better after crying. Thinking of you and sending you lots of virtual hugs.


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Originally Posted by wayfarer
Well after months of being mostly OK today is our wedding anniversary. I was prepared. I have dinner ordered just for me. I have my whiskey ice cubes ready. I thought I'd at least be able to push through WFH today like it was going to be any other day just so I could survive until tonight. H then sent me a text " Don't think I forgot its our wedding anniversary. It's just weird for us right now, ok? " It's a moment like this where I really wish my mom was still here. I could really use a mom hug. I haven't cried like this in ages and it's miserable. I just want to get a hold of myself and go about my day as planned. Ignoring the he** out of today being a day of any significance.


I'm sorry to hear you're hurting today Wayfarer. The anniversary, whats transpired in your sitch combined with your husbands comment leaves a lot to question, feel, understand and can open the door to so many interpretations. I was beginning to question if you were emotionally invincible. Us on the board are thinking of you. Looking forward to an update with some funny comment on how the day turned out.


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Well shortly after I posted I called my bff who I can't say talked me down, but was more Cardinal like about the whole thing. "He's not home. Cry it out, rage it out, and get it together before he gets back." So I did, lol. Mostly just the crying. My bff was the officiant at our wedding. She set H and I up. Shortly after hanging up with her my 2 other best friends, two sisters I've been friends with since grade school, my maid of honor and bridesmaid, checked in with me, and kind of reality checked me that I can't just ignore the anniversary. That if nothing else I've made it to that anniversary. Hard fought, exhausted, but gracefully. And no matter how much they don't like this journey for me all of it's my journey. Shortly after that I had flowers delivered from them. A little while later when I finally started getting it together my other friend from childhood, my bridesman, simply sent a text saying "Thinking about you today. Know you are loved." Yesterday after that text from H rocked my world I was so upset that he messed up my plan of just pretending it wasn't happening. But it was like the universe knew I A) couldn't ignore yesterday as much as I wanted to a B) gave me a reason to celebrate because if nothing else I learned the people I chose to stand by me on my wedding day are my people. Those are the people who in my brightest and darkest moments are going to be by my side

As far as H goes I hadn't anticipated him acknowledging our anniversary like at all. He's typically avoidant. I assumed because it was going to be awkward he'd just pretend it wasn't happening as well. I didn't respond to his text so he started sending me funny and cute videos then asked me what we were doing for dinner. D17 was going to be leaving in the late afternoon to help her bf make his first big boy meal for his roommates and her. I told him my plan. He asked me to cancel it. Suggested we get sushi. He came home showered, ordered our dinner, paid and picked it up. We picnicked on the living room floor, my suggestion. Watched a movie, his suggestion. Drank lots of wine. Had empty house "adult time" also his suggestion. Ate some ice cream while binge watching Jersery Shore. Joked around. Shared memes. Discussed the kids. Talked more about things we want to do this weekend. He wants to hit up a few stores that finally reopened. I want to drive out a bit into the country and go hiking at a state park. He didn't really invite me and I didn't really invite him. It got late and I figured I'd go climb in bed. No, he didn't decide he's sleeping in bed with me now. He did call me back into the living room when I was about to close my door for the night. H told me to look into what park I want to go to and let's plan that for Saturday and let's do the stores Friday since we both get done early. Always throwing me off this guy.

It wasn't the anniversary I had planned for this year. Not the one I had planned when I woke up yesterday. Not the one I was thinking about 8 months ago. And definitely not the one I thought I'd be having 3 or 4 months ago. We aren't magically better. We didn't even really talk about the MR. We just did the best we could when I think we were both feeling pretty sh** about the whole day. It wasn't what I wanted in any iteration of what I thought it should be. But it was exactly what I needed. Him doing his best to be kind and thoughtful. And me just letting go and letting god instead of trying to bend the universe to my will.

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Wayfarer, I'm so sorry that your anniversary was so painful for you. H's behaviour is just bizarre, but then after all the things I've read on this board, toegther with the experiences of my own H, really not suprising. He sounds in a world of confusion still - so much positivity in his actions....then he drops that in.....then resumes positive behaviour about how to spend the weekend together. Wow.

Do you think he wants to come back but because you're not putting pressure on him about the MR, about moving back to the MBR, you're not pushing him or punishing him over the A, he's not sure what YOU want, and that he doesnt want to make assumptions that you actually want to celebrate the anniversary? Maybe he's scared of jumping back in with both feet because you're not demonstrating that you're in with both feet?

Honestly, my initial thoughts were that he was an idiot, but I'm wondering now if he's apprehensive. Has he shown any remorse over his A? Would he come to you if he wants a R talk? Would he initiate it do you think? I'm just wondering if it's in his personality to have those kinds of talks, that he might want to come back but knows he's been an idiot and doesnt know how to come back. He acknowledged the anniversary - that's a positive; how he acknowledged it could be interpreted as him holding back through fear of being rejected (like he was by AP)?

Hugs WF x


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Originally Posted by wayfarer
We just did the best we could when I think we were both feeling pretty sh** about the whole day. It wasn't what I wanted in any iteration of what I thought it should be. But it was exactly what I needed. Him doing his best to be kind and thoughtful. And me just letting go and letting god instead of trying to bend the universe to my will.

Hey... I know it was tough. Weird so many of us have anniversaries around now! I think it is wonderful that your definition of your wedding day expanded to be more about just you and him but about all your friends and family that love you and shared in that day with you, and took the time to let you know you are loved.

I actually see lots of positives in what ended up happening. He reached out and let you know he was feeling weird about the day... of course he was, as were you. I know it threw you for a loop but it was honest and open and better than doing what you had assumed he would, which is pretend it wasn't happening. He made a real effort to make it a nice night and be together with where you both are right now.

You are so strong and good at not having expectations... but I've been thinking maybe you do have expectations, just expectations in the other direction, that you still think he's going to walk? I wonder if that is a self-protection mechanism for you, and he keeps throwing you off by these behaviors in the other direction, leaning in instead of out. What would it take for you to let go of that set of expectations too, believing that he's still leaving?

HUGS.


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Hey Pommy,

Originally Posted by Pommy99
Do you think he wants to come back but because you're not putting pressure on him about the MR, about moving back to the MBR, you're not pushing him or punishing him over the A, he's not sure what YOU want, and that he doesnt want to make assumptions that you actually want to celebrate the anniversary? Maybe he's scared of jumping back in with both feet because you're not demonstrating that you're in with both feet?

Honestly, my initial thoughts were that he was an idiot, but I'm wondering now if he's apprehensive. Has he shown any remorse over his A? Would he come to you if he wants a R talk? Would he initiate it do you think? I'm just wondering if it's in his personality to have those kinds of talks, that he might want to come back but knows he's been an idiot and doesnt know how to come back. He acknowledged the anniversary - that's a positive; how he acknowledged it could be interpreted as him holding back through fear of being rejected (like he was by AP)?



I think him not wanting to make any assumptions on how I wanted to handle the day was exactly what was happening. He was trying to gauge how I wanted to acknowledge it. But H not being the most poetic it came out more pointed in that text than intended. That being said you were probably closer to the mark with idiot than with apprehensive, but I'm sure he's a little of both.

He is remorseful for the affair but not in the way I'd like to see yet. And I know I can't hold him to my expectations but he's still in a lot of denial about how far reaching this was, or how deeply it effected our girls. He's sorry he hurt me, but that doesn't mean he's sorry about the choices he made. He's sorry he did the things he did because I "didn't deserve that," but doesn't really understand or has really dug into why he did them. He's sorry he said the things he said , that apology was one of the first ones I got and the one that mattered the most to me. But I don't know the depth and breadth of that remorse because I don't ask. And honestly I don't really care that much. I care more about him being understanding and remorseful about how traumatic this was for our kids. I'm more concerned about him understanding himself better to get why he/we got here. I'm more concerned about him dropping this narrative that I made our MR incredible difficult, that I'm incredibly difficult. And that the good times can't ever out weigh the bad. I'm not perfect but you can't say I didn't deserve to be treated that way and then back pedal into well I may have set the house on fire but you know you stained the carpet and broke a window. That thought process is what I really need to see change. I'm not entirely sorry he had the A. And since he's not as introspective as most it could take years for him to get to a place where he is truly, truly remorseful for everything he did, and how it happened, and why. I just don't have the expectation of his re-commitment hinging on him being 100% remorseful here.

He would initiate an R talk. I only ever initiated R talks when I thought we were in a committed and loving relationship. And when the affair started because I was under the impression I was in a committed and loving relationship. I wouldn't even bring up where "we" were going in the early part of our relationship. That was on him. I was going to keep one foot out the door until I was told otherwise. However you might be on to something with the fear of rejection thing. I know he doesn't handle rejection well. He's a people pleaser. That may be something I need to give some more thought.

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Hey May,
I've been thinking about this a lot.
Originally Posted by may22
You are so strong and good at not having expectations... but I've been thinking maybe you do have expectations, just expectations in the other direction, that you still think he's going to walk? I wonder if that is a self-protection mechanism for you, and he keeps throwing you off by these behaviors in the other direction, leaning in instead of out. What would it take for you to let go of that set of expectations too, believing that he's still leaving?


Honestly yes I do still think he's going to walk. I do still think he's on the fence here. I think there's a much larger chance of him packing his sh** and going in July than there is of him returning to the MBR. I don't know that me and our MR is worth the work it'll take to stay. I think the good behavior throws me off more because it means I have to accept it for what it is with out having any idea what the intent behind it is. Are you doing this so you get your friends after D fantasy? Are you doing this because being here during the pandemic serves you? Are you doing this because you're actually trying? Everything he does my brain is immediately asking those questions. It doesn't matter if I can shut them down quickly. They are there and they are asked every time he so much as smiles at me and says thank you.

I don't know what it would take for me to stop believing he's going to leave. I have abandonment issues that I'm still working through from childhood so it would probably have to be a lot. A lot of reassurance. A lot of doing work. A lot of letting me be needy and him being ok with that. And me being ok with that. Honestly I really need to hear him say he wants to try. He spent so much time in the last 6 months telling me he doesn't know the point of trying, and that there's nothing here for him to bother trying for, I think I need that. I need him to tell me he sees value here and he wants to try.

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Just journaling: So a lot has happened and not a lot has happened at all since the anniversary. And I'm finding myself in an incredibly uncomfortable space for me. I know part of this is the protests and riots happening in my city amping up my anxiety. But I can feel myself running through the stages of grief over this/him/us at a rapid fire pace. I'm mostly calm and collected. But if I'm left alone in my thoughts too long I feel like I'm drowning in all the things that we're just not saying. And then there are times where I look at him and he smiles and winks at me, or grabs at me like he used to and I completely forget how broken we still are just for a little while. June 1st is 6 years we've been living together as one family under one roof. Father's Day is around the corner and I sat down with the girls to pick out gifts. Planning weekends coming up this month. Every day gets a little more like we were. He offered to drive my bff's husband to pick up his car from the shop instead of me having to go. He messages me more and more midday to just chat. He's consistent and conscientious about telling me where he's going and what he's doing and checking in with me if it's been longer than anticipated. Checking if I need or want anything on the way home. But we say absolutely nothing about our relationship to each other ever. I'm just frustrated because I feel like we're stuck. Like we've been in the same exact spot forever. We've been in this stalemate of limbo for months now. And I know he's growing. And I can see he's changing. And I can't rush him if this is what I want. That I need to drop my expectations that this is going to be resolved in one way or another soon. But he held this I'm moving out narrative over my head for so long every month that goes by I'm waiting for him to tell me he's signed a lease. And every month I watch him go pay the rent here. It's June. And if you look at my first thread. Back In January when he told me he wanted to moved out I said I'd really rather he not go any where until June. It's what's best for me financial. And it's what's the best transition time for the girls. He wanted nothing to do with it. Steve85 said something to the effect that it was all words, just words, and "I bet he'll still be there in June." Well he's still here. And in some ways a better husband than he had ever been. In just about every way a much better husband than he was when he told me there was no way he'd stay until June. I'm not feeling defeated or like my emotions are out of control. I just feel tired. God I feel tired of patiently and quietly waiting him out.

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