I would like to let her know that she is absolutely hurting those who care about her the most, even though she rationalizes her behavior in order give herself "permission" to do what she's doing. Also, that the "small talk" and "checking in" texts she sends will cease. She really has a warped view of what our post-D relationship will be like, and I want her to know that.
There's a relevant quote about the fact that prisons are full of people who claim to be innocent. When humans do bad things, they typically will feel intensely guilty about it for a short period of time. Eventually the brain goes into self-preservation mode and starts inventing rationalizations so that the events in question were not that person's fault, or what they did wasn't so bad, or that everything will be okay despite what they did.
Once that "salvation narrative" starts to get created, they will hold onto it for dear life, seek out any shred of evidence that supports it, and ignore or reject anything at all that contradicts it. Its like an act of self-hypnosis.
So the WAS knows the impact on the children, but eventually self-hypnotize themselves into believing it’s all for the best and everyone will be okay, and it’s your fault anyway.
As for the small talk and checking in I would just slowly cut it off. If you were ok with it in the process then if you say something now she is going to see that as you were being manipulative and now are but hurt because she is following through with the divorce.
Originally Posted by WMLC
We haven't exchanged a terse word throughout the last 10 months. It's kind of bizarre. But, as you have pointed out LH, it most likely is that she's just a low conflict personality.
One of the biggest misconceptions on the board. Not all WWs want to spew and rage at the LBS. They just don't want to be married anymore. I read once that if you think getting married will make you happy and you are not happy then the natural tendency is to think you married the wrong person. Chasing things to make you happy is an illusion that many people have to experience and sometimes there are hard lessons to learn.
I am really sorry you are going through this WMLC but I can promise you that you will be ok.
I would like to let her know that she is absolutely hurting those who care about her the most, even though she rationalizes her behavior in order give herself "permission" to do what she's doing. Also, that the "small talk" and "checking in" texts she sends will cease. She really has a warped view of what our post-D relationship will be like, and I want her to know that.
There's a relevant quote about the fact that prisons are full of people who claim to be innocent. When humans do bad things, they typically will feel intensely guilty about it for a short period of time. Eventually the brain goes into self-preservation mode and starts inventing rationalizations so that the events in question were not that person's fault, or what they did wasn't so bad, or that everything will be okay despite what they did.
Once that "salvation narrative" starts to get created, they will hold onto it for dear life, seek out any shred of evidence that supports it, and ignore or reject anything at all that contradicts it. Its like an act of self-hypnosis.
So the WAS knows the impact on the children, but eventually self-hypnotize themselves into believing it’s all for the best and everyone will be okay, and it’s your fault anyway.
As for the small talk and checking in I would just slowly cut it off. If you were ok with it in the process then if you say something now she is going to see that as you were being manipulative and now are but hurt because she is following through with the divorce.
Originally Posted by WMLC
We haven't exchanged a terse word throughout the last 10 months. It's kind of bizarre. But, as you have pointed out LH, it most likely is that she's just a low conflict personality.
One of the biggest misconceptions on the board. Not all WWs want to spew and rage at the LBS. They just don't want to be married anymore. I read once that if you think getting married will make you happy and you are not happy then the natural tendency is to think you married the wrong person. Chasing things to make you happy is an illusion that many people have to experience and sometimes there are hard lessons to learn.
I am really sorry you are going through this WMLC but I can promise you that you will be ok.
WMLC, this is pure gold what LH has posted here. Really good stuff, spot on. Reread this a few times and understand it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Steve and LH. Sage words, indeed. Sums up my sitch very succinctly. Just going to keep DBing and make sure I come out the other side as best as I can be.
Does anyone see any value in trying to ascertain more about W's sitch/plans before next mediation session? I'm talking about a quiet conversation about where she will live, with whom, etc. Or, just wait as these types of questions will likely necessarily be answered during the mediation process?
Does anyone see any value in trying to ascertain more about W's sitch/plans before next mediation session? I'm talking about a quiet conversation about where she will live, with whom, etc. Or, just wait as these types of questions will likely necessarily be answered during the mediation process?
So let me turn that question back to you. What value is there in trying to ascertain that stuff?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Primarily, just more knowledge heading into a mediation session. Also, I don't truly know what I'm dealing with here and some clarity would bring me some peace. I do understand whatever she is doing is about her and I need to focus on me. And part of focusing on me includes protecting mine and my kids' best interests during the mediation process. The more I know going in, the better, IMO.
It would help me in choosing where I want to live, what school system to place S11 in. Obviously if there is any shared custody, there will be exchanges etc. As far as with whom, I would like to know that my kids would be a in a safe environment when not with me, so I could get a jump start on that aspect as well.
It would help me in choosing where I want to live, what school system to place S11 in. Obviously if there is any shared custody, there will be exchanges etc. As far as with whom, I would like to know that my kids would be a in a safe environment when not with me, so I could get a jump start on that aspect as well.
Save all that for mediation. That's what mediation is for. You're looking for excuses to reach out to her. That is rarely, id ever, the right move.
Last edited by Steve85; 05/29/2003:11 AM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
