I feel very anxious today, the builder for our other house texted to say he'd be working there and I had to text him back that H is there and to delay it. Using second homes is not allowed right now so I felt anxious about having to tell him that and angry that I got stuck in the middle of all this. Angry that I have to lie to almost everyone who asks about H, angry that I have been left dangling so long. Angry that I have to sit around waiting for H to decide my future. I know this is not actually the case, but it's how I feel right now. I know I have more control in this sitch than I feel, but I still feel it. H's rent for his other house came out of our bank account, and he is still taking cash out. Do I ask him about this? Part of me thinks just let things unfold and the other half wants to push for answers. Those answers won't be what I want will they? What if I ask him what he's doing with his other house and he says he's moving in with his mistress? He wouldn't say that till after his payout (he hasn't told me about that, he only talks about this stuff in person), and maybe he has no mistress, but the whole secrecy is driving me crazy. His car tax also came out of our account, which means he changed the registration to his other house but probably not the insurance, which means his car is probably not insured.
Anyway, enough about him. I did email the solicitor but have not heard back so I messaged him to ask. I have my new phone and my bank account set up, and the card is arriving soon. I have to ask a friend to help me move money in there as there is a cash deposit limit, but that should be ok. So I'm protecting myself as much as possible right now. And I'm applying for jobs, not great timing but there are jobs about so I might as well apply. Anyway, just spinning here, every time I feel halfway normal I'm reminded that I'm still in limbo and that H is still crazy. Yuck. I did meet up with a friend yesterday which was so so needed. Online interaction is just not the same. Once I have my finances sorted I can join an online dating website, it would be really nice to have some new people to talk to I've been alone for so long now, I've had enough of it. I guess right now I'm not standing. H is broken, and I have no faith that he has the courage to fix himself. In the meantime I have a life to live.
But without diminishing how stuck and resentful and hurt and angry you feel (and rightly so) and the concern you still feel for your H's mental and emotional state and what lies ahead for him (which shows how kind you are) maybe reframing things will help?
You are moving forward not because H is broken (that makes it about him and makes your actions dependent on his state) but you are moving forward because you want something other than what is on offer to you now.
I guess one is moving 'away' from something - and that something remains the focus - and one is moving 'towards' something - and the 'towards' is the focus.
So - what is your 'towards'? What would you be looking for in online dating? What work and life patterns are you going to build when this awful pandemic is over and we all have to create our lives again? You'll have H out of your hair and off your plate before too much longer. Which gives you so much room for joy.
Thank you Alison, yes you are quite right, I do need to reframe it all. And I don't want to blame him for stuff just because he blames me for everything bad in his life, I can be happy without him even if this current uncertainty is hard. This pandemic time has been difficult because everything has been upended and all my plans for this year (travel with ds1, meeting friends) have been put on hold, and career stuff is a lot less certain. Plus my social life has nosedived, I met a friend at long last for a walk yesterday and goodness me, that helped so much. People are not designed to be socially isolated. I have put plans in place to meet up with more friends outdoors, that will help having someone to talk to.
What do I want? An interesting career which uses my considerable skills and allows me to contribute to something A nice man who laughs at my jokes, finds me interesting and wants to have conversations with me, someone I can make a meaningful connection with and have a physical relationship with Travel to interesting places, meeting new people and seeing new things
I do actually have a list of things I want to do, but right now many of them are off limits due to pandemic stuff! I could investigate doing some of them virtually but I am tired of virtual living right now. I'm taking myself off for a run somewhere pretty and green to ease this anxiety. I can feel the fear and do this D stuff anyway, even in the midst of this uncertainty. I nudged the solicitor and arranged for him to call tomorrow. My bank card turned up. Progress. Scary progress. But still progress and it's necessary.
And in case you were in doubt - none of what you want is remotely unreasonable. Dream a bit bigger. A nice man who finds you interesting and laughs at your jokes and the rest is the BARE MINIMUM. If or when it happens for you just that will probably feel like amazing bounty after the nonsense that has been on offer from your H over the years. But you can expect even more than that, perhaps. How about a soul mate?
I blame H sometimes for when things go wrong for me that aren't anything to do with him. I'm cherishing quite a bit of resentment at the moment for me having to be a SAHM when I don't want to be, and H being able to get out and about and carry on his working life as usual. Even though he's doing all he can in the house and with the kids, and he hasn't chosen for my workplace to close.
I'm going to make a list of things I want to do after lockdown too - things nothing to do with my marriage, but just for me and perhaps me and the kids, who need some fun time and not just 'mum running homeschool' time.
I'm not sure I believe in soul mates. I think marriages are hard work no matter who you're with, just much, much harder with people like my H who have personality disorders or other serious mental health problems disguised by a 'normal' facade. I would settle quite happily with someone decent who I got on well with. I had a boyfriend once whose mum was married to a very boring but kind man and clearly far below her in many ways. I always wondered what the attraction was, now I wonder if his dad was something like my H and she just settled for a M without constant fireworks and drama! But all this is theoretical, I have not met someone and although I would like to date and have fun, any serious R is a way off for me. I know what my minimum standard is, my H has not met it for a very long time.
I had a phone call with the lawyer this morning, felt reassured afterwards that if H is hiding money then it would probably come out, and that I will get a decent settlement, maybe with a clean break of us splitting everything 50/50. He also said that if H is making noises about retiring then any judge would tell him to think again! He cannot afford to retire if we D, unless he has a rich mistress somewhere waiting for him to move in. It would not shock me somehow. H has always been conservative with money and financial security has always been hugely important to him, so it's hard to believe he would willingly give away that for the sake of D, but then this is not normal H. The lawyer advised me to sit tight and wait to hear about the payout before doing anything, just in case I spook H into hiding it somehow. He also said that if H stops work and has no plans to work in the future then that would be the best time to D, since otherwise H could fritter away lots of money and thereby reduce my settlement. Things to consider. I can wait till September for a D on the basis of separation for 2 years if H agrees, if he doesn't then the basis would be unreasonable behaviour. The D process seems to take a long time and will get longer with covid.
I got very triggered earlier when I checked our account and H has again taken cash out. Different scenarios going through my mind: he's siphoning off money into his other account (most likely), he's got a drug habit (unlikely but possible), he has a prostitute habit (very unlikely but possible), I'm both extremely anxious about this cash withdrawal thing and trying to see the funny side. I know his bank account details and he can't hide that money, but it's small beer compared with the huge amount we will have to split up if it goes to D. So I will shut my mouth and play the long game. It is very difficult to know where the line is between being passive (always a defect of mine, one I am working on) and patience (not my strong suit but also one I am cultivating). Ds1 has made up with H so we will go see him this weekend, mostly so I can get the info I need. H has been very quiet other than the builder stuff, I assume he is negotiating the payout and focusing on that. He says he's coming back here next week, to see his friend (he only has one really) and to go to his other house. I wonder if it is to clear it out so he can move out of there? He can't justify the vast rent when he has no income and isn't living there, even he is not that stupid. I'm kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop once the payout is sorted. I'm expecting an announcement like he's moving in with his mistress or buying a house or something (he can't afford that). I don't know what the alternative is, him living full time in our other house? He won't want that either. So he will have to get another job even though he doesn't want one. I'm preparing so that I can trigger D if I need to, the one thing I will do is protect myself financially. I will be patient in the meantime. I have options, I have control here.
You sound in a good place, Dilly. You really do. I think getting this information has made things a bit more real for you, and being advised on a timeline is probably sobering. And yes, you do have control.
I don't think I believe in soul mates either, not really. Not if it means the teenage stuff where nobody has to work at it. But I do think you deserve someone who will adore you. Well, I think we all do, really.
And my marriage is the soap opera which keeps delivering more episodes... Saw H at the weekend, he was snappy and not good company. His payout is nearly sorted. Talks about his career 'ending'. Tell that to the judge in divorce court, matey.
I downloaded a dating app, quite the experience. Who knew there were so many overt narcissists out there? Or so few people who can't take a non fuzzy selfie? Or a selfie with their top on? Sigh. I have been chatting to a few men, not sure any of them are much cop but online dating is a numbers game isn't it? Keep on swiping and maybe you might chance upon a half-normal specimen. I'm taking motorbikes as a NO avoid, MLC signal
Anyway, today I had a virtual session with a woman who periodically helps me dig the house out of the mountain of crap which accumulates (she knows the sitch and has helped me navigate my way round dealing with H's stuff over the years: a shopping addict who can't abide me getting rid of stuff and thinks the house should expand to fill his needs). I was dealing with a huge pile of paperwork which H had left on a bookshelf which I had got rid of. I thought I should sift through and chuck stuff out and also do a paperwork trail for different accounts and so on (it is soooo complicated, so many different accounts and ISAs and goodness knows what). Midway through I find an envelope, inside are printouts from a porn site. Very old printouts, dated when ds1 was about 3 months old. I felt quite sick. I know many men use porn and don't have an issue with it in theory but really? Your wife has cracked nipples from breastfeeding, is struggled with the transition to motherhood and hasn't had a good night's sleep in 3 months and instead of helping to change the odd nappy you're wa*&king off to porn printouts? I had no idea. And the fact that he left his mess for me to clean up as with all the other mess he's made in his life is just so typical, that also made me quite disgusted. And what else don't I know about?
Anyway I went for a run with a friend and poured everything out to her, it was very therapeutic! I feel ok now. When he left I accused him of having a blonde somewhere and he looked kind of shocked and said he preferred brunettes. I have a wicked idea of posting him the envelope after we sort the financial mess of D out with a note saying 'I guess I was right about the blondes after all'. Talking of D, I feel pretty detached now and ready to go ahead once the payout stuff is sorted out. Still waiting for the other shoe to drop after H leaves his job but honestly I am just sick of this soap opera now. I'm not slamming the door shut but I am closing it almost completely. There might be a tiny crack there but I don't have much faith that he has the courage or capacity to work on himself enough for that to become more than a crack. So I guess he did me a favour after all leaving that porn there! I feel sick whenever I think about it, and I don't think I will be seeing him again for a while. He is picking up ds2 at the weekend and taking him back to our other house for a few days, will have to be out when he does those. At least we are allowed out now!
I see a lot of positives here, Dilly. Your fun and sense of adventure and high standards when it comes to the dating site. You're not relying on any of those guys to make you feel better, you're wondering if there's someone out there who might add to your life. It's a great attitude. Your curiosity and sense of adventure is driving the car and that is very attractive!
Also - you are taking things into your own hands when it comes to paperwork, finances and the rubbish your H has left behind. You've not checked or asked him or warned him, you've just, as any independent woman would, got some appropriate help and seized the task with both hands.
So the dating site fun continues! I find it pretty fascinating actually. Got propositioned for sex by Billy, age 34, in his first message, lol. Had a text chat with a solicitor who started out boring and then complimented my boobs and rapidly unmatched and vanished! Hilarious. Most chats have been a lot less eventful. Somehow the 3 men I like most in my match queue are all of some kind of Asian or mixed heritage, which I find interesting. Seems like I'm looking for someone very different and new!
I really like one man who lives 60 miles away and who I have a lot in common with and he seems very unusual at the same time. We have had some interesting flirty chats. He seems very busy though so I'm not sure. We arranged to meet for a picnic in 10 days time. I'm not sure about someone that unavailable even though I have a good feeling about him. Hopefully I won't fancy him in person!
My first actual date was a walk with a man who lives much nearer and seems to have plenty of time at the weekend. Again, he is very unusual, very bright I think too. Very interested in me. I took the plunge and met him last night about halfway between us. We chatted and walked for 2 hours and were very open with each other about past relationships and our lives. It was very easy talking to him. I'm not 100% sure I fancy him but then again I haven't kissed him yet. He is a bit obsessed with sex I think, complained that he hadn't had any for 2 months and I told him he ought to try 2 years, he was shocked! He's Muslim but not completely religious, he drinks a bit but has also been fasting. He seems quite well off (not that that matters as I am independent financially or should be). We have been texting today and the sex talk has been a bit much but I did tell him I was not about to jump into bed with him! I like sex, I enjoy it and I have missed it sooooo much these last 2 years, but it needs to be with someone I fancy and trust. I feel like I can be open about this though, it is really nice to have this honest conversation with him. In person he was a lot less sex pesty! I might see him for another walk tonight, and I might test out how it feels kissing him (he has had covid or so he says, but I'm not bothered if I catch it, and wouldn't pass it on to anyone vulnerable). So I will see how that goes, I doubt I'd be leaping into a long term R with the first man I've dated in 30 years, seems unlikely! I will keep on swiping, there is a lot of dross out there but also many decent, interesting men. So nice to have someone take an interest in me after H's treatment of me all these years, it is good for the ego I don't feel desperate though, just enjoying getting to know different men and working out what I want in an R, even a short term one.
I did see H yesterday, he told me the payout is still not sorted but should be this week. He told me some of his plans (this week's version...), he wants to travel round Europe in August/September and come back when ds1 starts uni. He says he's taking at least 6 months off work and might then start his own business with some people he has worked with at his current place. No talk of his rental place but he said he's swapping his car because it costs too much to run (it is very sporty with terrible mileage). Bizarre. He must know how much a D will cost him. No D talk at all, just talk of his plans for the future which don't feature me in them. He treated me like I had covid every time I was too close to him, refused the offer of a really good pie that I had bought and had extra of (the whole poisoning thing that seems so common here!) I feel sorry for him, but his lack of happiness will not be my problem in the future. I feel very detached, dating has been helpful here though I'm glad I waited till I was in a solid position internally. H has taken ds2 back with him and said he will take ds1 next weekend, I hope he treats them well. Both kids are shut in their rooms most of the time and not very sociable and refuse to go out for walks or anything, so it will be good for both of them to have a change of scenery.
That's it! I am still collecting data and going through all the financials. It is exhausting and annoying but has to be done, will make D much easier, and the payout sounds hopeful in terms of being enough for a clean break, cross fingers.
I've been alone for so long now, I've had enough of it. I guess right now I'm not standing. H is broken, and I have no faith that he has the courage to fix himself. In the meantime I have a life to live.