No changes on WAW - Pack_19 Part II

[Pack_19]

Journal entry today,

I woke up feeling better. Every morning before I get up and at bed before sleeping I count my blessings and I reflect on how the day went. I hate living one day at a time, I am a man of future, of goals, I need a vision but these circumstances have proven stronger, I feel like my job is going to be a problem to get 50% custody but at the same time is the second best thing in my life now after my children. I hope everything works with both shared custody and my new job.

I have re-read my thread. I always get the feeling I am making those helping me, especially Sandi, frustrated with my inability to apply those lessons. I keep letting my W disrespect me, push me further from my S6 and S1, and get me involved in her emotional roller coaster as and when she wishes.

On the positive note I know where I failed and I will change it. I was surely as mistaken in thinking there is love in her for me as I think she is in believing we can never be happy together. Virtue is in the middle point so with a little hope I will make a life where I am happy with my children and I will leave the door open for her to fight for me.

This morning, while having breakfast, I have updated my short & mid term goals and I have divided them on the PIES.

• Physical

- Improve my muscle mass and keep a healthy diet
- Run consistently 10k or up 3-4 times a week
- Lose any bad habits as biting my nails
- Use cologne, look and feel great even with jeans and t-shirt

• Intellectual

- Promote to L6 at work
- Get my certifications for the new job
- Learn piano (I am on it)
- Get back into simracing my fav hobby - not too much as it is not very social

• Emotional

- Be the best father I can be
- No contact with W, I remain cordial for essentials
- Lovingly detach - much to learn here
- Learn and improve at validation
- Be humble and happy with the things I have
- let go of W

• Spiritual

- Have a better relationship with God and the people in my life
- More time with friends, the good ones

• Finantial

- Sell our property in Germany
- Save to buy the car I always wanted - use it for road trips with my children

My W wants to talk on Thursday but I know what to say. There is nothing new she or I can bring right now ( I know her feelings and she knows mine) and I will not sit there to listen to how much of a dreadful man I am that she could only be with me because we share two children. Eventually someone will choose me and never let go of me and that person will choose me above all other men. Then I will use all the things I am learning in my books and here to build a rock solid relationship. My attitude was wrong, my timing was wrong and my focus was wrong. It's 19th May 2020 and from today on I will make the people who are helping me in this forum proud of me. You are putting time and effort in helping me, I am not giving back the effort you deserve. It will not be easy, but it will make me a better man for the future.

[Pack_19]

hi all!

Hope the quarantine is slowly coming back to normal at your houses. Yesterday we had to file the application for the nursery for S1 in 20/21. I had it on draft with all our information and I needed a number on the ID of W so as asked her. After talking about it she took over and she did the application, then she said she did not need my information and I called again to ask for her to add me as the father in the form.

The form asked for the members of the family unit and she started telling me that I dont live with them, that she has already filed her tax return as separated and other sort of BS. I reaffirmed the fact that the agreement we have is now cancelled and that I will be involved in the life of my son. She was as always furious, disrespectful and she hanged up on me a couple of times. After she called the nursery she was told I was supposed to be there even if we are separated and she called me again.

On the second conversation she told me I had decided to either reconcile or make it war, I corrected her and said I have the feeling she is pushing me away from my children and gave her a couple of examples of times where she pushed me to stay away from things because according to her I was living in Germany and it was none of my business.

She was talking under tears and said a number of hurtful things, to finally say that I am immature and hang up violently again.

I felt what I did and say are the things a strong father with clear ideas would but as always I am not proud of this interaction. I do not understand if she feels I have to pay for my mistakes or she really believes I am a man she would never want to be with but nothing I say or do seems to even soften our relationship.

Later yesterday I went to pick up the children, I was smiling but kept my distance. All was very cold and quick, I got the kids, they said goodbye and we left. I was thinking two things during that time. Firstly the man and father I want to be. Secondly all the things Sandi is trying so hard to teach me. Maybe I did hurt her so much nothing I can change or do now will make her see there is value and happiness in our family. Lately I have been really feeling like giving up, I also deserve someone who can value me, not someone who takes every chance to remind me that she does not miss me and she does not like anything about me.

Last time I tried to explain to W all the problems I have had in the past with money and how it turned me into a sad and miserable person and I can see how we both were unhappy she just dismissed it telling me it was a excuse. She also told me is normal for me to miss her because she was fully given to me while I was never thus she cannot miss me and she claimed some friends have told her they always thought I was a bit weird.

I try to let those things slip away but I am still amazed how she has managed to remain focus on the bad things, my defects, the atmosphere we had at home where we both were unhappy and my lack of communication skills. I have no value for this woman.

If I try to stand my ground as a father, she slaps me back. If I try to deny the hurtful things she has done and said, she reinforces them and if I start to distance myself she finds actions to show me how out of her life I am and how much she is over me. I genuinely thought during covid and after 8 months she would realise what matters in life and soften, I obviously need to control better my expectations and tune them down to none.

On the GAL side of things I had a great chat with a good friend who is a marathon runner about some pains on my knee while jogging daily. He has recommended me some great shoes and I ordered them last week. I also had a great conversation with my best friend yesterday and he was very encouraging. He said, Paco I could see you improving and you interact with W and go back massive steps. Forget W, she does not want the R you want now, keep working on a better you, I was proud of your changes. It's fantastic when someone acknowledges your changes, I was feeling indeed like taking massive steps back.

Thank you all and virtual hugs as always!

[Pack_19]

hi all,

Hope everyone is doing fine as Covid seems to be slowly dying and we adapt to a new way of living. I am having a bad week with W. She wrote a couple of times telling me to bring the kids back tomorrow as per our old agreement that is no longer valid and I stood strong. This was my reply.

''Good morning W. I will be bringing the kids next Thursday. The agreement you are trying to establish as our routine has no validity to my eyes or the law, please do not try to use it to justify your demands. I will be pursuing shared custody and I have already spoken to my lawyer. Now people can meet outside and I will be here when you decide to speak, I do not want to talk to you in the door of your building and in the presence of our children. They have suffered enough and that is the last thing they deserve now. Have a good day"

I am having a great time with kids. I have been going out with the bike and the older one almost daily and I am trying to teach him some tricks to gain confidence on the bike. The little one is also having great fun. We had a water balloon fight a couple of days ago, yesterday we went to the McAuto to pick up dinner and I keep reading them to sleep daily.

Things with W havent changed. I want to have hope and be the rock that carries the weight of the family but it is hard not to lose hope. Will I ever see a change in her heart? why would somebody have children with someone the love they feel for is seasonal? how long does she need to realise no tattoos or new jobs will bring her the happiness of a solid, loving and united family? I have made mistakes but I seriously doubt she has ever loved me. I never listened to her and I let our problems fester but I have changed my life to be close to our children and give our marriage a chance. I read all these stories about people fighting for years or going desperately to counseling for a marriage they care for. We never did any of that and we have two very big reasons to do it.

All I have received from her over the past weeks has been "I dont want to be with you, I am free to be with whoever I want and if it wasn't for our kids I would have moved on by now". I have been reading a lot about boundaries and detaching lately, I really hope I can apply now the things I read to make the people that are helping me proud of my changes. I talk a lot to my S6, he enjoys being with me and is proud of my changes. I wish I had not made so many mistakes at the beginning of this. I thought being nice to my W was a way of showing her I love her and want her to be happy. I will try to show her happiness is in our united family, but enough of the nice guy. There are people in my life that admire and respect me way more than my W and I have given them much less of me. Almost 10 months since DB and I am starting to see I might get my family back because it does not depend on me.

I hope you are all having a great week!
hugs, Packs

[Traveler]

Packs, congratulation on asserting equal custody after double-checking with an attorney. That's fantastic! It will mean so much to your children in the years to come.

[Pack_19]

hi all!
I have more news on the shared custody.

So the other day we had a discussion where W told me she wants to go back to normal routine where I get the children 5 days every 2 weeks and my reply was I have to think about it. The separation agreement that is based on is not valid and I signed it under her threads and when I was feeling all the guilt of our problems and I was not sure I could come to live in Spain and preserve my job. To this she said "no you dont have to think anything..." and she went on and on about how she loves them more than I do and can sacrifice herself more than I do.

Anyway she was expecting me to bring the children to her yesterday and she called me twice on a threatening tone. I calmly told her the covid situation was not over, the agreement we have is not valid and I am fighting for shared custody so I want the kids to get used to that after a lot of my personal effort to have a job that allowed me to live here. Around 8 pm she texted me again saying she was expecting me to bring the kids. I ignored it and gave the phone to my S6 to videocall her.

In the middle of the call and much to my surprise she started asking S6 when he wanted to go with her and if he was going to go with her today. Of course my S6 loves spending time with me and he started asking what day of the week that was. I was furious inside but remained calm. I cannot believe she would use the kids to get her way, I would never do that. When I am without them I patiently swallow my pain and wait for the day I can pick them up again.

This morning I was working and I got a call from her. Her words were "I expect the children today before lunch. I am very aware of my rights and I will exert them". I calmly told her I was working and I would give them the children tomorrow. Then I got a call from her lawyer, I ignored it and called mine.

My lawyer told me to remain calm, she said she is the typical uterus mother and it is not the time to fight now, we will get the shared custody. She told me to return the kids today as we have been doing during covid, Thursday to Wednesday the week after with me, and to reinforce that the agreement she keeps referring to is not valid. She also told me is very unprofessional for her lawyer to call me and asked me to remain calm.

So I had to tell my son he is finally coming back with mom one day earlier and I am packing them now for that purpose. I have only told my 2 best friends and they both agreed that she is just trying to hurt me and projecting her problems and self blame on me. oh btw, she used one very political email to reinforce that she "has done nothing wrong to me, except for stop wanting me as her partner".

I have had a terrible week at work with all her threatening. One day she tells me she cries everyday and hates this and the next one she is telling me she does not want to have nothing to do with me in her future. I know it should not affect me but I am not that strong yet. My lawyer has told me to brace for a contentious divorce, I have a clear picture of the man and the father I want to be, I just cannot understand for my W is easier to focus on my mistakes and my blame and not to see the status of our family. Should I file for divorce and shared custody?

I want to fight for my marriage, I would give all I have to get my family back and I want to change for myself and my children but I cannot take so much blame and hat anymore. It has been 10 months and she keeps blaming, insulting, ignoring me, disrespecting me. I cannot go away because my children are there but there is only so much one can take. I have made mistakes and I have looked into myself for forgiveness and the strength to change but this woman has chosen to blame me and hate me. When I go today to given them the children I will be happy, look great and say goodbye the first!

[Pack_19]

Packs, congratulation on asserting equal custody after double-checking with an attorney. That's fantastic! It will mean so much to your children in the years to come.

Thanks CW! My W had me totally persuaded that my job and shared custody were not compatible, but I will make it work, my children need me more than ever!

[sandi2]

I want to fight for my marriage, I would give all I have to get my family back and I want to change for myself and my children but I cannot take so much blame and hat anymore.

You see fighting for your marriage in only one way. Think outside the box, Pack.

When will you realize it is not about you? You could be perfect in doing all the things you should have done while she was living with you. You've worked hard to win her back......and she would not be kind to you. Why? B/c this situation is not about Pack. Do you hear me? You are no longer the problem for this separation. You are not the reason a reconciliation has not occurred.

Stop trying to fight for your marriage. All it accomplishes is fighting with her. She is the problem, and you are not going to win her heart. You cannot make someone love you, if they don't want it. She never has a kind word, and she has been terrible to you ever since she moved out. She has no respect for you as a man. Her hatred for you is harming the children, and she will get worse........especially, if she senses that you still want her. She knows you want her back. Do you really want her as the woman she is today, or is it the home & family atmosphere you are really missing. Is it the idea of getting another chance that you really crave? I'm not saying you don't love her. I do believe you would do much better if you would let go of trying to get "good enough" for her to change her mind.

Continue being a good father to your children, but let go of trying to convince her that you've changed. It's only making things worse for you and the children. You need a clear head in upcoming decisions. Previously, you tried to give her what she wanted with the children's schedule, based on your emotions at that time. You see how she wants to use it to her advantage now.

Follow your lawyer's advice.

Don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying you've made a mistake in your recent interactions. I think your response to her demands was handled very well! I'm only explaining that your other option in the separation is to let her go, b/c the problem is not Pack. I think you are beginning to see it, but feel that you must continue trying to prove yourself to her, and convince her that the MR would be much better b/c of your improvements. Proving your changes to her is what I want you to stop doing. It's not about you becoming a better H for her. Initially, you could not think of anything else, and sometimes, that thought process can hinder.

I think you are listening a little better, but her calls with threats & manipulation take a toll on you emotionally. Is there a part of you that feels you deserve to be treated in this manner? Don't tolerate disrespect, b/c it will never cause a woman to feel love/desire. You don't deserve this type of treatment from her.

You need to let her go.

Protect your feelings!

Continue to use written text messages as your means of communication.

Keep us updated.

((hugs))

[Kind18]

What Sandi has said is incredible advice, read and then re-read it.

There isn’t anything you can do right now to wake her up. You could do 1000 interactions with her, absolutely perfectly, for the next six months - and nothing will change. You have been manipulated over time to believe that everything you say or do will control if this works out or not.

You seem to have the traits of a nice guy in a similar way to me. Could I recommend you read “No More Mr Nice Guy”? It certainly helped me to understand me.

[Gekko]

It has been 10 months and she keeps blaming, insulting, ignoring me, disrespecting me.

So you have been treated very very poorly by her for quite awhile. What is it that makes you want to be in a R with this version of her? I do understand the impact of having kids together and how that can cause you to put up with a lot to avoid blowing up the family unit, but at some point you have to look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself the hard questions about whether you are really happy and whether this person is good for you. If your best friend was in your sitch, and being treated how you have been treated, and asked you for advice, what would tell him to do?

You are getting yourself on the right track. Listen to your L. Go get 50/50 custody. Stay calm in all, ALL, interactions with her. Never take the bait. Never argue. NEVER a bad word about her to the kids. Your R with her, at least for the time being, is just all business, nothing else. She can stomp and shout and threaten and insult and on and on and it DOES NOT AFFECT YOU. You are a calm and unwavering slab of granite. In fact, you may even find her behavior to be somewhat amusing, like watching a child throw a tantrum. She cannot get to you. GAL GAL GAL. Be an Amazing Dad.

Keep improving, you may not believe at the moment how things will get better, but they will if you are committed to the right path.

[Pack_19]

hi all!
What can I say, I leave some days the board and I come back to find the words I needed the most. Thank you so much, your words keep me going. I have a daily calendar reminder to make Sandi proud of the work and time she has put on me.

So let me get started with GAL, life with my kids has been amazing, they love me more than I ever thought possible and it just fuels my chest. I ran 16k for the first time the other day, another night I took my car at 23 pm to drive down a lonely mountain road for 1 hr, I have bought more clothes and I had my myopia operated the other day (bye bye glasses), which is something I always wanted to save for.

So as you know I asked for a new custody agreement via my L and I requested to reduce the pension. Her reply came today through my L. She wants us to D instead of simply separate, she wants the same pension as when I was visiting because otherwise it will be hard to pay rent and she wants me to cover additional costs for the children. This is not how I imagined she asking me for the D formally but I guess it was going to happen eventually.

I made the mistake of calling her today, I told her I do not want divorce and if she ever has different thoughts here I am but we can go on if it is what she wants. She went on and on telling me how I have gone behind her back in getting a second lawyer instead of talking to her, how I have not changed and continued to harm her and how I am putting our children in the middle of this. For her the fact that I found a second lawyer behind her proves I am still a bad person and the fact that I tell my S I want the family together means I want to make her the bad one in front of them. W said for her our M is not important now because she does not see herself with me and hence it is the same if we are S or D.

My self confidence, my cheerfulness and my emotional status all took a bad hit today. I always thought protecting myself would show her I am a strong man and I will cover my interest as I have learnt from this B. I never thought we would get divorced without having the chance to sit down and talk about our problems or how to make things work.

I told her next week I will sit down with my L, if by then I have not heard from her otherwise I will assume she still wants D and I will prepare a response for her L. I no longer know if what I am doing is right or not, if I am weak in front of her or not. I cried a lot today, I am crying as I type this and it will probably be a long night. Tomorrow we need to go to the nursery of S1 to sign the new application at 9:30. I dont know if I need to be kind or cold or neutral. Is funny enough that now I am not scared of D, but it still causes the same pain I imagined it would the day she took the step.

W says we need to be mature and keep the C aside from this. I told her I am doing my best but it is impossible to keep them from missing each of us when we are apart and they will suffer the consequences of a D. I dont know why I keep trying to reason with her, she is far too gone. I dont know how the man I want to be would react to D. The man I want to be knows and values above all the value of the family he wants his children to have and the vows he took in front of W. At the same time, the man I want to be would never allow an unreasonable childish woman ruin his life. I told myself if W asked me for a D it would be the last interaction we would have, now what? I guess I need to be a man and follow through with my promises to myself.

Thank you for all your help. God knows I have tried but she just has chosen to blame me and never allow herself to see me as anything but a source of pain. She told me today if she had come to Spain without a legal agreement I would have sued her when it was me who suggested she came here like that and we could talk about our issues. I cannot begin to understand the picture of me she has built in her head. I have changed my life to be here and I genuinely thought I would make it easier for us to sit down and talk.

How can someone bring D to the table in such a cold way? As I said before, friends keep recognizing how much I am changing and that I am better now, I guess that means I am doing something right. GAL GAL GAL and getting used to single lifestyle.