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PS Watch the movie Untouchable on Hulu with her. A documentary made mostly from accounts from Harvey Weinstein’s victims, she needs to see this and become aware how predators like this work. This is a teachable moment.

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kas99 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by kml
Well maybe just have a serious conversation with her about how his behavior could ruin some other girl’s life - and his, if convicted on child porn charges. There are news stories out there about these charges being brought in situations with teens. Give her the bigger picture. Then let her decide what to do - or decide what to do together. Don’t sell her short. Whatever you do, the message shouldn’t be to stay quiet about sexual harrassment.


Last night she just wanted to talk about her situation living with H. He's not happy and that makes her angry. She sat on the couch close to me as we talked. We're getting closer every time I see her. We're supposed to get 3 kittens next week which means I will see her more. She was looking at rental houses last night as she is anxiously awaiting the moment when she move out. H keeps asking her about her plans and she lies. I'm sure he assumes that the ball is in her court since S19 originally he said he wouldn't live with D14.

Anyway yes absolutely I want to discuss this with her it's just really complicated since I've only seen her twice since the middle of March.

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kas99 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by kml
PS Watch the movie Untouchable on Hulu with her. A documentary made mostly from accounts from Harvey Weinstein’s victims, she needs to see this and become aware how predators like this work. This is a teachable moment.


I cancelled hulu to save money but I'll see where else I can get it. D14 is a very pretty girl with daddy issues now. I need to get a handle on this but I'm treading lightly. I haven't earned her trust yet but I'm getting there.

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When H was still at home everything was just blah and the kids stayed in their rooms. I stupidly thought splitting up the kids made the most sense because neither of us could afford a 4 bedroom house (or so I thought). So dumb I know. H loved bombed D14 and since we were't close AT ALL she chose to live with him. In mid December we began to work though our issues aided by the part where H was never home. She doesn't live with me so my opportunities to bond with her are limited. I'm 5 months out but lost 2 to COVID. H has full custody and that is my reality. The kittens will bring her around more. That's not why I'm doing this but I will take every opportunity I get to be with or talk to D14.

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Originally Posted by Kas99
H has full custody and that is my reality. The kittens will bring her around more.

Did you sign away custody? If the kittens will lure her to your place more, and you expect her to choose to move-in at some point, it sounds like that may not have happened.. meaning you may have custody rights you can exercise if you want. Maybe a question for your new and improved attorney! I'm confident my custody over my D15 won't drop to zero if my ex-wife gets cats, an ice cream machine, AND a PS4! She'd have a say. She wouldn't decide.

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Did you sign away custody? If the kittens will lure her to your place more, and you expect her to choose to move-in at some point, it sounds like that may not have happened.. meaning you may have custody rights you can exercise if you want. Maybe a question for your new and improved attorney! I'm confident my custody over my D15 won't drop to zero if my ex-wife gets cats, an ice cream machine, AND a PS4! She'd have a say. She wouldn't decide.


I've signed nothing. H is thrilled when I have D14 because then he doesn't have to DO anything for her. D14 is out of school so she's up all night and sleeps all day so I don't see her much now. Getting kittens will motivate her to come over more since right now there is nothing to do at my house that she can't do at hers.

This weekend D14 sent me a picture of his empty fridge and a dead mouse in her room. He attempts to feed her dinner so she isn't starving. It is still her choice to stay there until I can get a bigger place. I can't make her leave.

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Maybe I’m terribly naive. Maybe I missed something in an earlier post. You keep saying you can’t make her leave H’s house. YOU are the parent. I get that she’s 14 so she’s got her own voice and can make her own choices and teenagers are very difficult to “manage” even on good days. But, I’m having a hard time seeing what is in it for her staying with H. From your accounts, he doesn’t appear to interact with her much and barely provides for her. Is it just that she has her own room because you keep mentioning her staying there until you find a bigger place. Sometimes you have to pick your battles, I get it, but something just seems odd about this whole thing. I feel like I’m missing something.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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I made the mistake of telling a coworker about about my attorney situation. She says the timeline will be the same. 6+ months to get temporary support?? Seriously?? She said H will fight me on custody yet in his counter file he says D17 and S19 will live with me, says he will pay child support but does want joint custody. D14 wants to live with me but in his offer he says she will live with him. He doesn't know she wants to move. Will this be an expensive custody fight like my coworker says?

The only other things we have to argue over is alimony and his pension plan (I am entitled to half). He will fight me on this I know. I've saved $10k wouldn't this be enough or am I delusional? I think the temporary support will address alimony which will cost what $4k? That leaves $6k to argue over the pension plan and other things like kid expenses.

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S19 and I have this thing where we're learning how to do manly things that H used to do. We're trying to hang curtains and most of our (my) attempts have been fails. 12 you tube videos later and S19 says he thinks he gets its now. So last night he attempts to hang curtains in his room but needs my help. The room is small and he has a lot of furniture so the two of us are standing on one chair trying to screw brackets into the wall. He didn't get it but I eventually did. He acknowledged that my idea was better without feeling shame.

At that moment it hit me how completely adorable this was and I smiled. S19 (aspergers) has come so far since H left. S19 can do calculus in his head but struggles with basic life skills. H shamed him for that and S19 quit trying.

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Originally Posted by kas99
I made the mistake of telling a coworker about my attorney situation. She says the timeline will be the same. 6+ months to get temporary support??

Nolo Press says temporary support hearings typically take a few weeks to resolve. Your attorney is probably the best source for info about your case and how backlogged your court system is.

Originally Posted by kas99
D14 wants to live with me but in his offer he says she will live with him. He doesn't know she wants to move. Will this be an expensive custody fight like my coworker says?

Court is usually expensive for the person arguing against following the status quo and heading towards norms. If you want D14 50/50 it should be cheap and easy to get there. If you want D14 100%, and he doesn't agree, I wouldn't be surprised if it cost you a small fortune to arrive there.

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