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It's been a long week—my first back to work, though, at least for now, the shop is open with reduced hours, and I am grateful I am still at part-time. My boss is disorganized, and it's been a stressful re-entry, with my having to ready the store for customers and make sure my boss is providing disinfectants, etc., all while I am reminded I don't get sick days. I've found two other jobs to apply for this week.

Thank you so much, kml, job, Dnj, wayfarer, wooba, and may, for advising me on this friend who has reached out, and for sharing your own experiences. (may, I want to respond more to your thoughts on the SSM in another post, but thank you so much for expanding on it here in my thread.) I feel better about emailing her back, but haven't yet. In some ways, it's also exhausting to think about bringing someone else into the circle of what's going on in my life. Maybe that's another reason I resist reaching out or, in this case, responding, even though it would be nice to have another local friend who's known both of us to connect with. This journey is such a long haul.

I've thought about the board often, and at times am overwhelmed with thoughts as I approach the year anniversary of BD. I haven't had time to sit down and read or write much here. H is also going back to his bartending gig this week—I overheard the phone call. He got a new trendy haircut.

I feel like since I've been gone and just don't go out of my way to approach him anymore, even with friendly-cashier type questions, we've barely exchanged words lately. I sometimes feel conflicted for not asking, for example, how his first night back at work went, or following up on something he told/showed me before, or, if he's in the same room, remarking on the weather. But then I think--he doesn't want me to be his friend. He doesn't want me to care what's going on in his life. So is this the right balance? Not cold, just... uninterested, I guess, unless he shares something first.

I'm feeling a bit sad that it's been a year since we were married (even though we still are), and since we were friends.

The week before BD, H was excited to take me out to dinner.

The thing that keeps coming back to me from BD lately is the way he had an avalanche of complaints, bookended with the statement that he hadn't been happy for years (standard issue, I guess), and basically resolved everything by saying he wishes he would have spoken up sooner; he realizes now it wasn't good to push his feelings down for so long and he knows now he can't do that in the future, but it's too late for us, so: D.

It really bothers me still, that way of thinking: our M is broken--too bad! must walk away!--but he's learned his lesson in how to communicate and now all his future Rs will benefit from it, even though ours won't. Like ours isn't worth the trouble.

I know his view is a simplistic one, and that he's not worked through his issues even if he thinks he has, and that they will continue to follow him until he does. But it really irks me to think I married someone who would give up when things got difficult. Now, if I hadn't read books on marriage since BD, I might also think that if a M required work, there must be something wrong. I understand, more than ever, how love is a choice, not that fuzzy feeling.

I know I should be reminding myself he's probably in MLC, he has to run, but this is still where my head is at this week, disappointed in the choices he made and continues to make. On the subject of detachment and compassionate indifference, I'm feeling a little empty, where before I felt love for him. A slight discomfort and sadness in feeling that love go... to wherever it goes for safekeeping. I've come far in accepting what I can't change over the past year, really more over the past six months. Still have further to go.

Hawks are circling overhead as I write, the first dahlia is getting ready to bloom. I am alive and baking: recently, a pie that could've been better but was improved by ice cream; monster cookies (fit for H? smile ); and soon, as always, more bread.

Thank you for being here, all of you.


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Happy one year post BD!

Look how far you've come. I think that should be celebrated. Your patience....serenity...compassion...and acceptance.

Enjoy getting back to work! hopefully that will cut away some of the mental weariness you're feeling about M. hugs.


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Thanks, wooba! Funny, I didn't think I'd feel any differently this week, but the last couple of days, things changed. I haven't been sleeping well, and I've felt more and more sad. You say, Look how far you've come, and I did feel I had come far when I wrote the last post. Now I feel like, wow, it's been a whole year, and I'm still here, as in, still stuck in this weird place with H? I remember maybe in my first thread going through a similar thing, where I suddenly felt I'd made little progress, and DnJ reminded me, yes, it may feel that way, but that doesn't mean it's true. I've noticed I still have some resentment toward H for shifting so drastically what was a pretty stable, fulfilling life of part-time teaching and volunteering to one where I'm stressed I won't be able to afford essentials like health insurance or vet bills or rent. I've noticed I still have some anger... some of these feelings have surfaced in the last few days. (May, if you're reading, I'm still thinking about your post, and was going to reply to it before this wave came!)

I had a session with my IC for the first time since I talked to her after H's April rant. I've been pretty calm and collected in sessions for a while, but I broke down today. She asked, a year ago, after BD, where did I think I would be in a year? I said I didn't think I had clear expectations for myself, but I thought that no matter what was happening with H, I would have a better job and would be able to support myself. That hasn't happened yet. I'm still determined to trust possibilities are out there, but all these articles about the long-term unemployment outlook are getting to me a little.

I know my past self would have thought it was hopeful that H hadn't filed yet, but I don't feel that way now. My past self would never have imagined in a year we'd still be living together and not divorced. He was so adamant he wanted D and couldn't wait, had to make himself happy. But OwnIt, in her first post to me, said so many are all talk and no action. I remember thinking, not my H. How wrong I was!

Like most of these MLCers, it seems, H just seems to drift further and further, and put more and more blame on me, and I'm feeling the weight of it even as I try not to accept it.

My IC ended our session by saying H gets his self-esteem from taking care of others (as long as they don't demand too much from him), and he's able to do this for his new friends, be the nice guy for them while he dehumanizes me at home--either takes his anger out on me or offers me some short convo or friendly gesture, depending on his mood. He doesn't consider my feelings at all, he's compartmentalizing and can't be expected to act rationally, probably depressed, self-medicating, we can only guess. (She's pretty much summing up the board here!)

And the thing that hurt me is something that I guess I already knew, but hearing it from her underlined it again: He doesn't know how to interact with me unless he's taking care of me, and he hasn't been caring for me for a long time. He probably thinks he's taking care of me now by being the nice guy who is "letting" me continue to live here, and can tell himself and his friends he hasn't filed because I don't have a job yet, etc., all convenient reasons he can offer up (it's not him; it's me) to help ensure that he doesn't see himself as "the bad guy," which he's always been touchy about. IC said she doubts anything will change anytime soon, continue focusing on self-care...

I can't control his narratives, but I'm having trouble letting that one go. Why? The entitlement of it gets to me--the assumption that he of course stays, that he somehow controls whether I stay or go--especially because this seems so unlike the H I knew. The way it positions me as less than. The way it says that he's not supporting me because of our long M and longer friendship, because it's the right thing to do, but because he somehow has to be the bigger person, even though I don't deserve it, and tolerate my company, as if I am over here whining and throwing away his money on who knows what. It's a reminder of how far he'll go to justify his actions, shift responsibility, and avoid looking at himself. It's a reminder of how he's changed from the person I knew. I still want to hope that is not a permanent state. Maybe I should be thinking about how he needs that narrative right now, perhaps, because he's also having trouble dealing with his own shame and doubt and he just can't handle it. Is that the compassionate way?

For the first time in a long time, I keep having that sick-to-my-stomach, sad, sort of numb sensation. I totally remember this feeling from the weeks and months just after BD. Grocery shopping and being on the verge of crying, not being able to hold everything together. I'm feeling that again. Maybe it's a little like PTSD, my body remembering, echoes of last summer. It's the year catching up with me, my body reminding me that it's exhausting to live like this. I am very tired, which is in part why this post is long and rambling. But the more worthwhile path--all this introspection and striving to be empathetic and kind, even if it is not recognized as empathy and kindness by H--it's bound to be difficult, right?

A year into this, I think I need to go back to basics: don't think too far ahead. One day at a time.


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Good Morning cardinal

It’s good you recognize your feelings in all this. And how they can and do change rather quickly. Keep your focus and reason, and look to your convictions, your beliefs. By the way, you are influencing, altering, and strengthening those beliefs right now. Think and act how and what you want to believe.

Sounds like you’ve let H’s words get inside your head a bit much. We all do it. It’s necessary to understand to a certain amount so one can let go and move forward.

You are correct, you cannot control his narrative. However, does he spell out his entitlement, the whole he is choosing if you stay or go? Or are you filling in the blanks a bit? Either way - stop! Find that mental assertiveness.

Compassion for H and others grows from compassion for yourself. Cut yourself some slack and be kind; she’s had a tough ride and come a long way.

I would put your path around the depression stage currently. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Of course various facets are at various places, however the feelings of depression do spring up “suddenly”. It’s a good and healthy and needed experience. It’s a bit dark and sad, well it is depression. This is where you come to emotional terms with your loss and find acceptance. Stick to your path and values. Keep compassion and indifferent. Choose better not bitter.

One year anniversary of BD is bound to stir up some emotions and cause one to look at where they are. It’s ok and perfectly normal.

You are doing fine. Still living with H, no divorce, and a year into it. Be the roommate. Focus on you. H will not respond to normal other relationship solutions, MLC is a different animal. It’s counterintuitive; you are doing the right things.

One day at a time. Be cardinal. Let go. Acceptance is coming. Be patient.

DnJ


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Cardinal: anniversaries are powerful, and it's understandable that they stir things up. For me the 1 year BD anniversary was liberating, I felt like I had survived that whole long, agonising year. I've had ups and downs and moments of detachment and acceptance since then, but also periods of pain, anger and depression. This week I'm feeling a bit under the weather and that always makes me a little self pitying. It would be nice to have someone to care that I feel poorly. But all I can do is look at those feelings of self pity, accept that they are entirely justified and that sadly my H is unavailable for anything other than himself.

This too shall pass. I try to look ahead a couple of years into the future, where I will either be D and happy or I will be with someone else and happy. In the meantime it's up to me to be happy by myself, nobody else is responsible for that. By the time the 2nd anniversary of BD comes around in September I expect to be well on the road to D. Some days I actively welcome that, and that certainly wasn't the case on the 1 year anniversary. Doesn't mean I don't still have moments of longing to still be married though, and for my demon H to come to his senses, sort his crap out and be the H that I deserve. That just seems a whole lot less achievable than it once did. Look forward to the peaks because the troughs don't last forever, 20ish months past BD and there is definitely more stability than in the early days.

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Hi, Cardinal -- You are mixing up two things. One is the scandalized feeling we have because of the betrayal. That PTSD is real and the right response. Your vows have been broken, your heart has been broken. When you feel that pain, comfort yourself. You would be like him if it didn't hurt. You will learn how to weather its ebb and flow. It continues to hammer you here and there, like a virus that is dormant for a little while. That's the cross you have to carry but you will be able to do it.

The other side is the business side of things. You HAVE to cut the emotion out of that.

Go to the default in your state. Is it a 50-50 split of property and debts? A divorce with trial allows you to argue that you should get more.

If you don't want to get more (and I would not recommend it), go to the 50-50. If you don't want to file for divorce (I didn't), then you can do a legal separation or post-nup. Divide everything. He gets the house? Fine, if you don't want it or can't buy him out. But he has to give you your half.

Any debts pre-filing? Fine, you have to split that and he can take it off your share of the equity.

Likewise any other assets, retirement accounts, etc. Even steven. Make a simple list, figure out what is half. Tell him you do not want to divorce and you do want to restore the marriage. But If he is set on a separation and does not want to work on the marriage now, you need to have some peace and stability, so it's time to divide things via legal separation or post nup so that you can live your own life until he either comes back or doesn't.

You can use your share of equity to get a darling little studio or tiny house and FIND SOME PEACE. He can come back to you when he is ready. You can keep standing from over there.

Or you can be like me and do what I did, mixing the two. When I finally stood up for myself, seven years had passed, my kids had witnessed all those years of abuse, I had not seen friends/family in my own home, I was hiding in my room and the PTSD was about fifty million times worse than what you feel now. I am battling it still many hours per day as the divorce is STILL DRAGGING OUT and now he is using broker and lawyer to do his dirty work. I was royally scr%%wed financially and have been battling for two years just to get a normal half rather than what I really deserve for all my work and all the payments I made on mortgage and debt all this time!

Keep your emotions, just put them in that room. The finance room is your key to freedom and peace, even if you don't get what you "deserve." You just need something to get started. You will make it on your own until he comes back or even if he doesn't or even if he does and you don't want him to anymore.


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Originally Posted by DnJ
You are correct, you cannot control his narrative. However, does he spell out his entitlement, the whole he is choosing if you stay or go? Or are you filling in the blanks a bit? Either way - stop! Find that mental assertiveness.


I suppose he knows he can’t kick me out anymore than I could kick him out, but it seems he has told people in the past he is waiting for me to leave. Our mutual friend says no one believes this anymore because he talks about the D he wants and then does nothing for a year. But his attitude during his birthday spewing was this is his house, and I’m just living in it. I was able to see our mutual friend last night, first time since lockdown, and since H doesn’t talk about anything with her she was eager to hear how I’d been holding up. I had told her about his yelling when it happened. She said at one point since BD when she questioned why H didn’t leave since he wanted a D and wanted a new life, he said I could go. She asked where I would go, and he said that I could go live with my parents (states away.)

Now, DnJ, I understand you are saying I shouldn’t dwell on things H says. The statements under this theme in particular are like undertows—they pull me out to sea and I get stuck there. For the moment, I am anguished because I can’t understand how H has become so uncaring toward me since BD and so cold—maybe it’s more accurate to say I don’t understand how all of that just seems to increase as time goes on, as if I am actively fighting him (maybe in his view I am by not running away or playing into his apparent fantasy of a D in which he does nothing and owes nothing?). Suddenly it’s right to him that I should have to give up my life here and move in with my parents because he wants a D? It makes me feel sick to think H is feeling this way about me.

I am having trouble getting over my disbelief that he would say and believe things like this, and that he would feel so strongly that I need to go, and not him, in the first place. The friend says men often get mean once they decide they want a D, and this is H showing who he really is, not the kind man I’ve known for 16+ years. Granted, she has gone through two divorces in which the men were not great. On your thread, there’s been some discussion of seeds planted in a person. I can look back and see poor coping skills in H and unexamined anger, but I don’t see him being a “bad” person or a narcissist or the kind of person who would treat others he once loved like this... I still don’t believe at his core this is who he is. So how do I make sense of it enough to let it go? This is something I am clearly not at peace with and I have to work on it, because it puts me back in the place where my thoughts are filled with H.

Originally Posted by DnJ
You are doing fine. Still living with H, no divorce, and a year into it. Be the roommate. Focus on you. H will not respond to normal other relationship solutions, MLC is a different animal. It’s counterintuitive; you are doing the right things.

I sure hope you are right, because I have been questioning whether I am still doing the right things. It is definitely counterintuitive. I so hope acceptance is around the corner.

Dilly, thank you for your empathy here and for sharing your own experience. I have been visiting your thread even though I don’t comment. It seems like you are in a good place in knowing what you want. You have made me think rather than focusing on whether I could be in the same place in another year, I need to focus less on a specific timeline and more on where I want to be, period. I need to spend more time envisioning my future self at peace, happy, doing the things I love to do, etc.

Gerda, thank you for your reminder to keep separating the business side. I do keep in mind that no matter what H thinks he is entitled to, the law says it is only half. Once I find a job that allows me to be more financially independent, I’m not sure what my next move would be, but a more official separation to protect myself financially would probably be in the cards. For now, I am better off keeping things together. We have no crazy list of assets and don’t even own this house—it’s a rental, and others have suggested it makes sense to think I would stay and H would go, as the housing crisis is real here, and our current place is more affordable than anything out there currently. It is one of the things I am sure of, along with not wanting to file myself, that I want to be here taking care of our chickens as I have done for the past several years. I would be able to get a roommate to share the cost of rent, making it even more affordable. A studio now would cost almost as much as this whole house.

But you are right that the finance room seems to be the key to freedom and peace. I think it’s just going to continue to be a bumpy road to get there for the next bit. I love the reminder that I can keep standing from over there if I want, from anywhere. ((Gerda)) Thank you for continuing to share the insights you’ve gained from your difficult road with me.


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Hi Cardinal,

I feel so much for you right now. I know what you mean-- trying to understand who is this person, how to reconcile their behaviors and attitudes with the person you knew so well that you decided to spend the rest of your life with him. I think this is something we all are dealing with in one way or another. FWIW, I think this is something he'll have to deal with too, if he ever gets there. And imagine how much harder it must be to reconcile your OWN actions with the person you thought you were... I think it might be so difficult that many of them simply never do, they just continue to avoid.

Originally Posted by Cardinal
I am having trouble getting over my disbelief that he would say and believe things like this, and that he would feel so strongly that I need to go, and not him, in the first place. The friend says men often get mean once they decide they want a D, and this is H showing who he really is, not the kind man I’ve known for 16+ years. Granted, she has gone through two divorces in which the men were not great. On your thread, there’s been some discussion of seeds planted in a person. I can look back and see poor coping skills in H and unexamined anger, but I don’t see him being a “bad” person or a narcissist or the kind of person who would treat others he once loved like this... I still don’t believe at his core this is who he is. So how do I make sense of it enough to let it go? This is something I am clearly not at peace with and I have to work on it, because it puts me back in the place where my thoughts are filled with H.

Here's what I am thinking right now... and I know it is beyond difficult... but maybe it isn't for you to make sense of before you let it go. Maybe you just need to let it go. There are things in this world that just don't make sense. I don't know that it is helpful for you connect your ability to let it/him/yourself go to understanding why. You may never get that. Can you see a path towards just freeing yourself from this place where you are, whether or not you can reconcile his actions to who he is at his core?

On the assets and 50/50 split... Maybe as an exercise, challenge yourself on this one to really explore this. What would it look like if you were more separated financially? Whose name is on the lease? Could you work on a budget and financials to figure out how much money you'd need to make to afford your current place on your own, and/or with a roommate? I wonder if you can get to a place where you could ask him to leave, rather than vice versa. If you have enough savings, you could potentially dip into your half for some period of time while you got yourself on your feet. And/or, filing for D or legal S could provide for some spousal support.

No matter who your H was, or is at his core, or may be again in the future... he is not that person right now. He is not behaving like someone you want to be married to or living with. Right? It seems from an outside perspective like his presence is not helping you to heal. He takes up a lot of space both physically and mentally for you.

It is OK to be angry and it is OK to be sad, but it feels like you have to suppress those feelings to some extent so that you don't show them to him. And getting battered by his narrative of being the bigger person and "letting" you live there must be both so infuriating and devastating.... if you let it. Rather than trying to understand it, can you look at the situation as you would if it were a friend in your place? What would you be counseling them to do?


(((CARDINAL)))


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Hi, may!

Originally Posted by may22
FWIW, I think this is something he'll have to deal with too, if he ever gets there. And imagine how much harder it must be to reconcile your OWN actions with the person you thought you were...

True, true. I think this has got to be partly why he's put so many blinders up, even to the thing he wanted.

Originally Posted by may22
Maybe you just need to let it go. There are things in this world that just don't make sense. I don't know that it is helpful for you connect your ability to let it/him/yourself go to understanding why. You may never get that. Can you see a path towards just freeing yourself from this place where you are, whether or not you can reconcile his actions to who he is at his core?

This is so hard to hear, but I guess I know it on some level, because as I try to figure x or y out, I keep saying that it's impossible to make sense of. I won't be able to. But it still freaks me out to no end to think the person I was closest to in my life will be forever unrecognizable in this way. We can't even have the "normal" divorce he seemed to be wanting at the very beginning. Can I see a path towards letting go whether or not I can reconcile his actions to who he is/was, whatever? Can't see it now, but would like to! Maybe I am on that path and am just taking another short detour. Maybe it's a series of loops until I straighten out again and am okay with not knowing and not having any closure.
Originally Posted by may22
On the assets and 50/50 split... Maybe as an exercise, challenge yourself on this one to really explore this. What would it look like if you were more separated financially? Whose name is on the lease? Could you work on a budget and financials to figure out how much money you'd need to make to afford your current place on your own, and/or with a roommate? I wonder if you can get to a place where you could ask him to leave, rather than vice versa.

We are both on the lease, and I've tried to get an idea of budgets and scenarios through the months, and it all depends on the spousal support. On the generous end, with my current job, I think it could work, but it wouldn't be easy, and I couldn't afford health insurance. With a roommate, it would be less stressful financially (but g*d I am dying to live alone in this place for a while after all this!). I did offer that he was also free to go if he didn't like it here, after he said that to me during spew-time. He didn't respond. If I straight up asked him to leave, well, first, he'd blow up, but he also just wouldn't do it, as it's become more and more clear he has no intentions to. It would do nothing but make living with him more miserable. Financial separation would mean still living with him too and dividing up bills and rent, but if I do start making more money, I'd want to think about that for sure. The only way I see movement on the living together end right now is if one of us files, and even then that would probably drag on. Am I missing something?


Originally Posted by may22
And getting battered by his narrative of being the bigger person and "letting" you live there must be both so infuriating and devastating.... if you let it. Rather than trying to understand it, can you look at the situation as you would if it were a friend in your place? What would you be counseling them to do?


I think, for the most part, I haven't gotten pretty good at not letting it get to me. But this year anniversary alongside the pandemic has everything bubbling up again. I am hoping this spike is temporary and that my feelings will settle again and I'll find my center and calm and will stop giving a sh*t about his narratives.

What would I counsel a friend to do? I feel like I come back to the whole focus on you, not him thing. Don't waste your energy on him. Right now, he is not a person you want to be married to or living with--like you said. So more of what I've been trying to do all along? I guess I'm just feeling exhausted by him at this point, and it's wearing down my mental reserves. Thanks for the hugs, may. I need them.


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If I straight up asked him to leave, well, first, he'd blow up, but he also just wouldn't do it, as it's become more and more clear he has no intentions to. It would do nothing but make living with him more miserable.


I’m sure that would be really tough for you. After all the drama and difficulty of it all, you’d hardly feel like poking the bear!

But is living through fear a good long term outcome? You can’t continue to make decisions through how he might react. I’d imagine you’ve done this for a long time in the relationship, and it’s probably part of the reason you’ve got to here. Remember doing the 180? Maybe this is an opportunity to do the exact opposite of what you’ve always done in the past. Remember that a lot of the steps required in divorce busting actually feel completely opposite to your gut instincts and history.

How he responds - is his issue, not yours.

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