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Core #2895439 05/20/20 04:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Core
or can you never again trust them 100%.


Originally Posted by CWarrior
Trusting them 100% was clearly a mistake, no?! I don't trust my GF 100%. I do trust my GF.

Hi Core,

I wanted to revisit this. Intolerance of uncertainty fuels anxiety. Small degrees of uncertainty surround us day-to-day. E.g., I can't say for sure you or I will have a job in 3 months. Through this DB process I've gotten better at living with uncertainty, which has meant less anxiety and less pressuring others.

Originally Posted by National Institute of Health
Intolerance of uncertainty (IU) has been defined as “a dispositional characteristic that results from a set of negative beliefs about uncertainty and its implications and involves the tendency to react negatively on an emotional, cognitive, and behavioral level to uncertain situations and events”. The IU construct has been associated predominantly (conceptually and empirically) with generalized anxiety disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Core #2895802 05/25/20 03:49 AM
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Thank you. There's so much to these last few posts and perspectives from all angles. The posts just kept coming when I needed them. Everytime I came back to this site someone else chimed in with support, advice and encouragement. Like a community intervention lol. CW, intolerance of uncertainty is me to the T. I'm working on that, nice to have a name for it. The video May posted...I like it. They have one called amor fati as well, really helpful for me.

I've had enough of my own sh**. I've been on here almost every free moment since I got the recently replies. I wrote a nice long response then closed my browser. I went to rewrite it and it was all complaints, being defense, poking minor holes in responses so I didnt have to face the truth. Talked to my IC, then I reread the last 5 to 7 posts several times. Meditated, took a walk. Called a friend. Cursed. Cursed. Cursed. Cursed. Ate chips. Reread again.

Next up, I reread my entire sitch. My god what a sh**show. I'm pretty sure reading my posts over the course of a few days is going to be a new torture added to the lists of Geneva Convention War Crimes. I did not enjoy it. I dont recommend doing it. As many here have told me, Ive ignored advice, spun and spun again, played victim, arm chair diagnosed, suffered, had meltdowns, made up imaginary stories, complained, cried a bunch of garbage out my mouth.

I can't believe so many of you still follow and help me. How frustrating it has to be sometimes to see all the ignored advice. Some of you've helped since the beginning, (LH, U and others) thank you. Some are new, some I've lost and some no longer come to the site. Thank you all for helping even when I didnt listen. My god it was awful to relive some of the sitch. And it took like 3 days to read it all, 3 days! Half or more my posts were about W. Nothings changed because nothings changed - quote Wayfarer. (On a side note Wayfarer, after rereading your posts, sometimes I think you share a wavelength with my W and I your H).

I found a nice guided mediation. Very helpful for me. I started visualizations, keeping on my alignment and frame. Im not sure who I fully am still. Im trying to find a purpose that isnt just raising good kids. I exercised daily. I'm exhausted though. Several times I thought about W, instead of focusing on me. Many times I fantasized about good outcomes of the sitch. My IC thinks I'm fairly normal still...he thinks I'll be spinning until W give answers. Thinks it'll be difficult to help we with my problems while my sitch continues. Next session, I'll let him know how I want help and if he cant help me next session then I get someone new.

For anxiety, I think I have another trick, which I think I found from CWs reply, after looking up intolerance of uncertainty. A trick some of you probably do without thinking about it. I just have to notice a feeling. Not tell it to stop. Not to run from it. Not even to challenge or validate it. Just notice it, say "ok youre here" and continue. Its working good so far. I build a tolerance to things though so I hope it lasts. Nothing big happened either so it's not truly tested.

I'm giving myself more time before filing. Aiming for a year. Things can change however thats my sight. That'll take away the burden of thinking I need to take action right now and give me more focus, less pressure and more time to allow the illusion of inaction to sink in.

I did so many Nice Guy things and still do at times, expecting a reaction from W. I'm notice when I do it more often and stopping it when I can.

D4, S1 and I had some awesome days with nice weather here. Hiked in the woods, D4 got some tree climbing skills, S1 well he's been doing some funny things to get attention. Loving being with the kids.

As quarantine lifts, I'll do more GAL away from home. At home, Im picking up an old hobby. I'm doing a next level of shaping up my diet, and I found a nice outdoor spot to get some exercises in I cant do at home.

Thank you again for helping with my sitch and more importantly my personal growth.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2895803 05/25/20 05:11 AM
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Core, I’m happy for you that you’re self reflecting and having a positive attitude about the future.

Now that you’ve read through your posts and you were able to identify your past mistakes, you are more equipped to keep moving forward with your life!

For anxiety, my general rule is to identify what I feel anxious about. Once X is identified, then ask the Q: is there anything I can do at this moment to affect the outcome of X? If not, drop it. Writing it in a piece of paper and toss it. Write it in your journal and close it. Vent here and close it. I’m glad that you found a trick for yourself also.

Good luck.


BD: Sep 2019
D in progress
wooba #2895821 05/25/20 07:57 PM
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Originally Posted by wooba
Core, I’m happy for you that you’re self reflecting and having a positive attitude about the future.

Now that you’ve read through your posts and you were able to identify your past mistakes, you are more equipped to keep moving forward with your life!

For anxiety, my general rule is to identify what I feel anxious about. Once X is identified, then ask the Q: is there anything I can do at this moment to affect the outcome of X? If not, drop it. Writing it in a piece of paper and toss it. Write it in your journal and close it. Vent here and close it. I’m glad that you found a trick for yourself also.

Good luck.

Thank you Wooba, I'll add your trick to my arsenal to try as well. I think multiple methods is key. Sometimes one...or many dont work at the time.

I guess after all my self reflecting, I'm looking for validation. Am I a fool in your opinion (s) for standing for the M in my sitch? Its a newer M, just about 6 years, weve been unhappy for a 3rd or more of it and W had her EA (or more who knows). I gave myself a year to stand. If the D takes 1 to 2 years after, thats a long time to be with someone who hurt you deeply. Now I can make the best of it and GAL however I like being home with the kids and so does W. We'll be all over each other in a bad way. We're getting along better as coparents, but I dont want just that.

I strongly believe for a cheater to change, they need to hit the wall or rock bottom if you will. In my sitch with W cake eating, thats not going to happen. If I dish out consequences, its controling, father like or nice guy like with a covert contract. W wont face any consequences and therefore I'll just be hurt again. Am I wrong here?

Why am I standing? I have some love for W still, and some attachment. I hate this stat for all of us here but the divorce rate of second marriages is through the roof, like 75%. Infidelity is more common than ever at like 50%. My odds in a new marriage are low. I dont like gambling. If its going to happen, why not stay with what I have?

I'm standing for my kids, to give them what I had growing up. I say I'm standing however am I settling? I think anxiety of a future relationship is partly why I choose to stand. I know the old version of me wouldnt stay with a cheater if it werent for the kids. Im standing for the wrong reasons, arent I? Even if W by some divine intervention turns herself around I think I'm here for the wrong reasons. Would I be a good H for her?

I want relief from the feeling that I'm being used. As I mentioned in the past, W gets to be SAHM, no job, enjoy her hobbies and spend. She's seemingly getting what she wants in life for the time being. I'm a beta fool for continuing to provide that, or so I feel. Now if I file for S or D, part of it would be to wake her up, or deal a consequence. I can rationalize that its because I need to get out for my mental health but at this time I know theres strings attached. So that's wrong to do obviously. Im just having trouble getting over the cake eating. I think its crossing my boundaries yet I dont know how to set or enforce a boundary here. Like....I cant say work on the marriage or get out. Plus when I said something closer to that, she chose to get out but "wanted more time". Which was prob time to cake eat. My ego dont like being used. I know W is going through her own stuff however isnt it also a nice guy thing to stand and give time? Lets say I kill the ego which some of you may think to do. Well...why? It would leave me to be used in an unhealthy situation.

Ladies on the board honestly if you were in my Ws shoes, how would you ever really return to the M and be attracted and respectful again? I dont see it happening. I'm still really conflicted over giving W more time and her basically having control of the sitch. I get more time to heal which is good. I'd heal so much much more quickly outside a coparenting IHS however. Others have responded to my similar questions in the past saying a sitch like mine takes years and usually a non IHS. I'm not going to be used for years.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2895826 05/25/20 08:52 PM
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Core,

You're spinning big time buddy. You're worried about a future relationship and marriage that hasn't even happened yet.

I'm going to be honest with you. It's highly unlikely that under your circumstances with your anxiety that your W is going to wake up one day and realize she's madly in love with you. For that to happen you need to separate and she needs to miss you.

So IMO you have several options.

1. GAL like a mad man for a year with the focus 100% on you and the kids. If things are the same in a year you file.
2. You lovely communicate to her they you will not live in a loveless and sexless marriage. If she chooses not to work towards getting there you file.
3. You stay together for the sake of the children in a loveless and sexless marriage with no expectations while continuing you work on yourself.

The fact remains that it takes two people to make a marriage work. That's why so many fail.

Core #2895828 05/25/20 09:10 PM
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Core, let me womansplain some things to you.

You remember when you snooped and found your wife saying mean things about yourself physical features?

Well, women tend to see physical features as unattractive if they aren’t emotionally attracted to you, even if you are hot as heck. I, personally, have known some very physically attractive men who weren’t attractive to me because they were dicks or were just doing something else unattractive. I’ve met men who weren’t your run of the mill good looking guys, but their persona was extremely attractive, so they were just gorgeous to me.

No, your wife does not find you attractive right now. And it has nothing to do with your jawline. I’m sure I don’t have to get into what she is not attracted to right now. You know.

And let me ask. What does “standing” mean to you? Also, what has your W been doing with the “more time” you are giving her.

I feel like the only way you’ll accept things working out is exactly the way you want them which just isn’t going to happen. If she doesn’t work on the marriage, you have the right to leave. That’s how you enforce YOUR boundary. You have to drop the fear. And you have accept that she might just walk out that door . You aren’t respecting yourself right now. And you feel like she’s cake eating. Well, probably because she is. So while you “stand” you are going to have accept and live with the cake eating.

You have choices. I tell you that all the time. You are not powerless. More inner validation rather than outer validation is way kore attractive. Women love men who are not fearful of being alone, you have a confidence, not a cockiness and know what they bring to the table and show that in how they treat others and what they are willing to tolerate.

What kind of man do you want to be?

Core #2895829 05/25/20 09:12 PM
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Looks like LH and I cross posted and said essentially the same thing

Core #2895830 05/25/20 09:38 PM
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Hi Core,

Solid advice from LH. I 100% agree. I want to focus on another point--

Originally Posted by Core
I want relief from the feeling that I'm being used. As I mentioned in the past, W gets to be SAHM, no job, enjoy her hobbies and spend.

You say you feel used. I suspect you have opportunities to enjoy your hobbies and spend, too! Is the "Core" reason you feel used that she's not working a fair 8hrs per day? Have you considered on-call childcare, shopping, bills, summer planning, cooking, repairs, cleaning, etc.? When you D, she'll get alimony from you to pay her bills, do hobbies, and spend. The court will expect her to work or train herself to work, too. I've dated SAHMs amazed by the free time they got from 75% custody, and others shocked they had to work. wink

Core #2895844 05/26/20 02:40 AM
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Legit just read your last two posts back to back. You are not ok. I’ve been sweet. I’ve been matter of fact. I’ve been funny, and I’ve chastised you and still you spin the same over and over again. Seriously I don’t care what W is or isn’t doing. What is it that you’re doing? LH’s advice is great and all if you had any direction and had been working on yourself for the last 9 months, but you haven’t. People fix their marriage without physically separating. Steve85, for example. It happens, it can work so this BS narrative that it’s impossible is tired and untrue. What is true is W will never miss you while you’re there because of your completely uncontrolled anxiety. Next if you want a year to figure things out, take the year. You want to lay your needs bare and draw lines in the sand for her, do that. Just like LH said. But we both know your emotions are in complete control and you won’t. 9 months in is way too late to still have no idea what you’re doing. Still no idea what you want day to day. Still no coping skills. Still spinning. Core stop looking for validation. Stop asking people what you should do when you have zero intention of sticking to anything. Stop pushing to resolve your sitch tomorrow. Enough is enough. You need to stop focusing on your W and what you should do or not do in your MR and for the love of all that’s holy focus on getting your head on straight. You are completely incapable of making such an enormous decision in your state. It’s time to focus on only your anxiety and coping skills and nothing else. Everything even the kids is completely secondary to you figuring out how you can not only survive this time in your life but dig out of your own rut. Not the rut you think W has you stuck in. Not the rut you think your MR is in. This destructive spin cycle you put yourself in over and over again needlessly. Bottom line. You demand respect and love from your W and you don’t love, respect or care for yourself. For the one millionth time Core. Worry about you. Nothing will change in this relationship or any other if you can’t learn how to live with and love yourself. People who can do that don’t have egos to contend with. They don’t spin wildly. They know who they are. What they need. What they are willing to put up with to say they tried.

My anniversary is tomorrow. H is still sleeping on the couch. Do I feel used sometimes, yup. Do I wonder what I’m doing here, yup. Do I get frustrated with limbo, you betchya. (That’s my Midwest for you) But every day is a new day. Every day I know I’m one step closer to reconciliation or walking away knowing I did everything I could. It’s complete BS that this jerk who cheated on me is in charge of the direction of our relationship, but I chose to stand and with that so goes my ego for the time being. The thing is though at any point if I don’t want to do this any more it’s my right to kick him to the curb and file. For me that’s not in theory that’s in practice. I’m ready to pack his crap for him and file any day. But I don’t because I committed. I committed to a year to see if he can turn this around and if he can’t then we’re done. All of this is still a question for you. And it shouldn’t be. 9 months in you shouldn’t be the person who’s asking the people here what you should do. 9 months in you should be the person here asking for support while you work toward your decision.

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Originally Posted by LH19
You're spinning big time buddy. You're worried about a future relationship and marriage that hasn't even happened yet.

I'm going to be honest with you. It's highly unlikely that under your circumstances with your anxiety that your W is going to wake up one day and realize she's madly in love with you. For that to happen you need to separate and she needs to miss you.

That's probably true. Thanks for saying it like it is LH. Cold, hard truth.

Originally Posted by LH19

So IMO you have several options.

1. GAL like a mad man for a year with the focus 100% on you and the kids. If things are the same in a year you file.
2. You lovely communicate to her they you will not live in a loveless and sexless marriage. If she chooses not to work towards getting there you file.
3. You stay together for the sake of the children in a loveless and sexless marriage with no expectations while continuing you work on yourself.

The fact remains that it takes two people to make a marriage work. That's why so many fail.

Spelled out nicely. I'm leaning towards one, and will flip to two if I see the need to end things early, such as her having an EA or going full anger mode again.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
Core, let me womansplain some things to you.
Only gold or something funny can follow this statement.
Originally Posted by Ginger1

You remember when you snooped and found your wife saying mean things about yourself physical features?

Well, women tend to see physical features as unattractive if they aren’t emotionally attracted to you, even if you are hot as heck. I, personally, have known some very physically attractive men who weren’t attractive to me because they were dicks or were just doing something else unattractive. I’ve met men who weren’t your run of the mill good looking guys, but their persona was extremely attractive, so they were just gorgeous to me.

No, your wife does not find you attractive right now. And it has nothing to do with your jawline. I’m sure I don’t have to get into what she is not attracted to right now. You know.

I get this as much as I hate that truth. The thing that gets me though...we all become unattractive. Attractiveness doesnt last forever yet some marriages still stand the test of time.

Originally Posted by Ginger1

And let me ask. What does “standing” mean to you? Also, what has your W been doing with the “more time” you are giving her.

Hmm standing to me means me not walking away from the marriage. Doing what I think is right for me and the kids based on the circumstances. Not giving up to be a D stat without first trying. With the "more time", My W picked up a hobby (GAL), drinks more, eats alot more unhealthy. Not working on anything from what I see but I stopped looking and caring.

Originally Posted by Ginger1

I feel like the only way you’ll accept things working out is exactly the way you want them which just isn’t going to happen. If she doesn’t work on the marriage, you have the right to leave. That’s how you enforce YOUR boundary. You have to drop the fear. And you have accept that she might just walk out that door . You aren’t respecting yourself right now. And you feel like she’s cake eating. Well, probably because she is. So while you “stand” you are going to have accept and live with the cake eating.

I can accept this for the time and got my IC in line to support my choice.

Originally Posted by Ginger1

You have choices. I tell you that all the time. You are not powerless. More inner validation rather than outer validation is way kore attractive. Women love men who are not fearful of being alone, you have a confidence, not a cockiness and know what they bring to the table and show that in how they treat others and what they are willing to tolerate.

What kind of man do you want to be?

I'm glad you hit hard here and not...gingerly. Who I want to be is still partially caked in mystery. Cant see him yet as messed up as that sounds. Years of being told certain incorrect things, being put down, being lied to by family, friends, society on what a man is, what a woman is, who I should be. I've been figuring it out and liking it. The old me was awesome, the cockiness was fake though. Women my age at the time werent responding to the quiet confidence and I adapted a poor trait. I'm excited for whats to come as I focus in.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
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