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Joined: Dec 2015
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LiM Offline OP
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Here’s the link to my first post 4 years ago for anyone interested in the entire story. Not sure why I’m back posting now. Maybe I’m just hoping for some moral support.
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...ain=58778&Number=2637479#Post2637479

The short version is that my W is a triathlete. She had a 5 mo long PA with her coach. We are both 47 now and the OM is a few years younger. I discovered the A about 2 months in and she was kicked out of the house. We were “working” on the M when I was told the A stopped and she was living in a rent house. 3 months later, I discover the A is still going on so I file for D. OM then confesses to his W, the A ends and my W and I start reconciling the following week. A month later and she has moved back home. I took her back at the first sign of true remorse.

In the first couple of months that she was home, I felt she was behaving appropriately. She seemed remorseful, embarrassed, humble. Then something changed. Not sure what but her demeanor changed and she no longer struck me as the remorseful spouse ready to do whatever it takes to heal the damage.

Over the past 4 years, we’ve gone to counseling on and off. We go to church and participate in the various groups there. I’ve read a multitude of books and participated in A recovery programs. But we have for whatever reason, never truly reconciled and healed. I do not trust her. I think (know) she keeps secrets. And I don't think she’s actually even sorry for having the A. The main thing that I needed her to do was back off the triathlon stuff for a period of time at least until we could heal the M. That never happened. She went right back to it (without training with the OM) but we frequently ended up at the same places/races.

Fast forward to this February and she tells me she’s leaving and filing for D. Of course, everything is my fault. I will say that I am 100% a changed man from who I was 4 years ago but of course I am not perfect. I am still human. But I am a radically better person. The changes I made 4 years ago stuck.

So she moves back to the same rent house as before. I go to my church looking for help and I get it. I get her to take divorce off the table; at least for now. Then Covid hits so we aren't going to counseling or to meet with our church pastors. Nothing is happening to improve the R and we are barely seeing or speaking to each other. For the most part, I completely leave her alone. I detach, 180 and GAL. Even reread the entire DB book.

About 3 weeks ago, she seems to be acting very oddly and it seems to me like Affair behavior. I tell my pastor that something is “wrong.” 4 days later, basically by accident, I find out she had a 90 min phone call with OM. I inform the church and OM’s W. It is then that I find out that OM has just been kicked out of the house because he had another A that lasted 18 months after my W. He is now living in someone’s camper on a vacant lot. He has lost his training business and is stocking shelves at Wal Mart. Then I end up intercepting and email from my W to OM. The subject line is “True Love.” She basically goes on to discuss what a beautiful person he is. He is a “Blinding Light!” according to her. And now she loves him the way Jesus wants her to love him. Blah! I spoke to OM’s wife on the phone and I learn that my W texted OM a couple of years ago with a message and a song. The song is The Air That I Breath by the Hollies. Go Google the lyrics to that for a real kick in the nuts. That was sent to him a YEAR into our reconciliation. I also learned that my W had been participating in conversations about OM on a public FB group. OM’s W confronted my W and told her to stop doing that and leave their family alone. I’m only finding out about this now.

So I do not believe my wife is remorseful and I believe she is still romanticizing OM. I do not believe she has been having another A with the same guy over the past 4 years because he was in an A with a different woman (another athlete). And it really would have been impossible for her to physically be around him anyways. But she certainly could have still been having a 1 sided EA from afar the entire time. That could certainly be one of the reasons we have been unable to heal.

I received D papers in the mail yesterday. I guess that is my punishment for telling our church about the phone call she had with OM. My W is behaving Bat Sh!t crazy right now and she has never really been that way. She’s lied to the associate pastors about what is going on. She did meet with our head pastor after I informed the church about the emails and phone calls. He told her in no uncertain terms that she is sinning and being disobedient to God. She agrees and that she will accept whatever consequences come from her behavior.

I just don't even know what to do right now. I am sad, heart broken and dumbfounded as to why we are here again. I will have to tell my daughters this afternoon about the divorce when they get back in town. They are 17 and 18. They live with me and have only gone to stay with my wife 2 weekends since she left. They do not know about the A and I do not intend to tell them unless they ask me directly. I will not lie to them. I do know that they are NOT happy with my W right now and the way she is treating me.
I’ve gone dark. Definitely doing LRT.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
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LIM,

I'm sorry you are back again and must be very difficult to have this happen again. We have actually seen this a few times recently where former members are back for a second time. Sounds like your W has some issues and needs to walk her path. Sounds like you may be in denial about some things that may be going on.

So it sounds like you made a lot of changes and have become a better person. I'm wondering what you have learned in the books you have been reading? I have done a ton of reading and research on relationships in the past 5 years. One of the things I have learned is to knowing your value. Once you determine your value you need to ask yourself if a person of your value tolerate this type of behavior? Then act according to your answer.

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Hey LIM,

I feel for you. Going through it once is hard enough. Job once commented on one of my threads that an affair needs to run its course. I believe I, like you stepped in the middle and stopped it too soon. On the other end, why would you want to allow an affair to continue while you're married. It's conflicting however I think in your case, your W still had a receptor open for OM. Not necessarily a longing but basically an easy connection for OM to reignite if the time was right for them both.

You're a better you than you were the first time. You have the strength to get through something like this. Whats your plan, for you?


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Joined: Dec 2015
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LiM Offline OP
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Maybe the reason I needed to post was so that I would be asked some hard questions. Thanks for asking those questions.

Whats my plan? What do I want for me? Honestly, I don't even know right now. Will I be ok? Yes. Will I come out the other side better than ok? Yes. Will I continue to be the rock and the go to person for my daughters? Yes.

What have I learned? Maybe not enough. I know this is not my fault. These are her demons and she has to deal with them. And if it ends our 25+ years as a couple, then that's on her. I know I took her back to quickly. At the first sign of remorse, I didn't just show her the door I left open for her. I picked her up and rushed her back home. That's on me. I've learned to let go and hand things over to God. Maybe not good enough but my life is so much more peaceful and less stressful than before; even in the midst of a trial.

I know I deserve better. I know I deserve a mate that doesn't keep a third party emotionally within the midst of our marriage. So why is it so hard to just walk away and say "To H*ll with It!"? I guess if it were easy, this site wouldn't exist.




Last edited by job; 09/04/20 09:18 PM. Reason: edited language

Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
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Hi LiM,

I hope to write more soon. For now, welcome back, and I'm sorry you're going through this again.

Joined: Nov 2007
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Oh no, LiM, I'm so sorry you're going thru this. Again.

I've been in therapy since my W's affair in 2016. Recently, I'm just starting to feel different about it all. I've been revisiting my old forums and just reading. Then I saw your post.

I don't think I can really add much to what others are saying.

I look back on my old posts. I actually sent flowers to my wife after her A with a co-worker? To her workplace? I want a time machine so I can punch old me in the face.

Babbling here. She's been a good wife since her affair. Yes, she's done some sneaky things (deleted texts, lots of selfies), but for the most part its been good. Therapist advises we go back into MC with someone he recommends, but Covid put the brakes on all that.

If it were me, I'd chuck it. Seriously dude, your kids are old enough now to know she's a kook. Rip the band aid off and get this over with. Sign those papers now. Then sign up for Tinder.

Why is it so hard to walk away? You're not p*ssed off enough. That'll come later.

Know your value. You're a killer dad with a lot to offer someone else. H*ll, I go to the clubs with my wife and her friends (all single/divorced) and everyone of them asks me, "do you have a brother?"

Kids not happy with your W? Good. She'll probably tell everyone around that you brainwashed them. Truth always comes out eventually.

I might add more later.

Storm

Last edited by job; 09/04/20 09:18 PM. Reason: edited language

Me: 52
Her: 48
2D 26 & 16
M: 25 years (together 30)
EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016
Admitted SOME physical but no IC.
We know that's a lie.
Status - tryin to R
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Originally Posted by Stormchaser
I look back on my old posts. I actually sent flowers to my wife after her A with a co-worker? To her workplace? I want a time machine so I can punch old me in the face. Storm

LOL. This is awesome! We all have one of these moments. Truthfully, I blame Hollywood for making us think that this kind of $hit works.
Originally Posted by Stormchaser
Know your value. You're a killer dad with a lot to offer someone else. Hell, I go to the clubs with my wife and her friends (all single/divorced) and everyone of them asks me, "do you have a brother?" Storm

This is so true! I know my value and I have a lot going on but being a great dad catches the ladies eyes big time.

Great post Storm I remember your sitch. You did some major 180s to help get your W back. Sounds like you have some doubts if it was all worth it? Hope you post more later.

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Quote
I received D papers in the mail yesterday. I guess that is my punishment for telling our church about the phone call she had with OM.


Haha you might think of it as a release from your former obligations and a ticket to newfound happiness. But really it was only some paper with ink on it.

Quote
I just don't even know what to do right now.


Start moving on with your life. GAL. Make more money, lose weight, have fun, learn things.

Quote
So why is it so hard to just walk away and say "To H*ll with It!"? I guess if it were easy, this site wouldn't exist.
Lol bc we make it hard!

You sound like a good person. Forget her. Just let it go. Find things worth your time to focus on. You'll get through this.

Last edited by job; 09/04/20 09:17 PM. Reason: edited language

H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
#2903132 09/04/20 07:08 PM
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LiM Offline OP
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5 years ago, my W had a 5 month long PA. I ended up filing for D after I learned the A was still going on while we were S even though I had been told it had ended. The D filing actually ended the A and we began reconciling. She was back home a month later. Things were fine at first; we were doing the things that needed to be done to heal but then something in her changed. I can't put my finger exactly on what was off but something was not right and over the past 4 - 5 years, we have failed to truly heal.

Fast forward to Feb of this year, she announced that she was leaving again and filing for D. Of course, everything was my fault. I went to our church for help and they got her to take D off the table and we were supposed to start working on the M even though we were S. At the end of April, I discovered that she had a 90 min long phone call with the former AP. I notified the church. They called her in to talk and then she filed for D. A week later, I saw an email she sent him with “True Love” as the subject line. Now, she has NOT been involved in a PA with this guy over the past 4 - 5 years because I also found out from his former W that he had ANOTHER 18 mo long A with another women after my W! And my W knows that! So OM was kicked out of his house in March (when the second A was discovered by his W) and is now divorced from his W as of June.

Since filing for D in May, my W has not done anything to move the divorce forward. Absolutely nothing has happened. I see/talk to her maybe once a month. Otherwise, I am completely dark. I’m not breaking any of Sandi’s rules. I’ve made it very clear to her that I do not want a divorce and that she will need to move it forward if that's what she wants.

Yesterday, the younger of my 2 daughters (17) told me that she had a panic attack at school, was very stressed and called a suicide hotline because she needed someone to talk to. Both of my daughters live with me and not their Mom. So I sat down to talk with her about what was really going on and I learned that she actually knew about the A and learned about it before I did 5 years ago. She saw a message from OM on my W’s phone and that's how she learned about it at 11 years old. And she never told anyone. She just kept it bottled up this whole time. Fast forward to yesterday and I learn that the reason for the panic attack was that she saw an email between OM and my W that was sent this week. My D is borrowing my W’s laptop and that's how she saw the email. The email was basically innocent in nature but my daughter knew that there is no reason her mom should be communicating with this guy.

So this guy has had two A’s, he has lost his business (trainer for triathletes; all his clients left after learning of the 2nd A), was living on a vacant lot in someones trailer and was stocking shelves at Walmart at night. A TOTAL F’ing loser. Any yet my W is still talking to him (I don't know if its more) and putting him on a pedestal (the email I read would make you gag). Its very clear to me that she never got over him and properly dealt with the A on her end and THAT is why we never were able to move on from the A.

I know I can't fix her. I know I can only work on me. I know she’s got to be willing to do the work. But 5 years later and she thinks she’s still in love with this D Bag.

Anyone else deal with Limerence that's gone on this long? I don't want a divorce. I want our family to be whole. I want my W to get her head out of her A$$ and start doing what is right. But I don't know if she’s ever going to do that and I don't know how much longer I can put up with this $hit.
I love my W. I do not want a D. But I can't keep putting up with this $hit.



Last edited by job; 09/04/20 09:21 PM. Reason: Removed link since 2 threads were merged together

Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
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Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
LiM,

I don't know your story but limerance doesn't last for 5 years.

Sounds like your trying to control your wife.

I am really sorry your daughter had to carry that burden.

It may be time to really think about why you are still standing.

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