It appears to me that your h has a memory issue. Every time he leaves, he then texts you that he's forgotten something. It's time that he makes a list of what he needs to get, comes get it and stops this unnecessary texting after he's gone. When he does this stuff, he creates even more sadness and confusion for you. Take the bull by the horns and tell him to make one final list and come get the stuff and be done w/it the next time he texts that he's left something. This behavior will continue until you put a stop to it.
As for social media, you truly need to stay away from those postings of his family and friends for now. They create so much hurt and mass confusion in you that you end up spinning all over again. In fact, I would block all of them for a while so that you can get your feet planted firmly on the ground.
Try to remember, your h is suffering from euphoria right now and everything will be fun and new to him w/that ow. Once the euphoria of moving out on his own and the ow dulls, it won't be so much fun anymore. Why? Because life will come barreling in and the routine of doing things will take over once again. Trust me, the ow will eventually put demands on him and the two of them will begin to see all of the flaws of each other. But, until it does, the relationship is all new and shiny. They all do this. He's acting like a love sick puppy at his age. It will get old.
In the meantime, work on you. Get to where you love and respect yourself once again. This is a time to rediscover yourself, pick up some new hobbies, take a class, rearrange things in your home to suit your taste...not to get a reaction out of him, but for you.
Today is a new day....let's hear about what KC is doing for herself today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I hear what you are saying Job ---- frankly there is NOTHING here that is absolutely necessary. So I taking myself back and will ignore anything tossed my way. It will simply be white noise.
I got the garage rearranged and cleaned - it looks good.
Adult dog is still looking for puppy. I know I made the right decision. I did not have time for 2 dogs. We are all adjusting.
Right now my focus has to be 100% on something else - S18 leaves for college in the fall and I have only 45 days to file to get his father to contribute. I have to file before he turns 19. NO I did not leave it to the last minute and actually met with atty in March. That was right before C-19 closed EVERYTHING down. My atty said he will not do anything until courts open back up. Well - that was last week.
I'm a little stressed because everyone/courts will be back logged (and of course this is costing me more $$$ having to come up with a second atty retainer fee.) Everyone please keep me in your thoughts that I get this accomplished. S18 has worked so hard his entire life - taken every advanced course he could while maintaining a near perfect GPA. He is heavily involved with the local robotics club doing the software writing and development. He is an Eagle Scout. He deserves to go to a college best suited for him.
He is going to a in state university but this one is costing about 7k more a year but it is the best option. We looked into him staying local university but when we looked at the curriculum he could already do everything that was being taught in the first 2yr. The one he is going to is going to challenge him so much more. They allow the kids access to the latest and greatest tech - they just check out from the lab whatever they need. It's amazing. And, the internships that get offered and the head hunters that sit in the building everyday... its a no brainer. (PLUS, it's my alma matter too!!!) S18 father and I make enough money to make this happen.
And, when it rains, it pours they say. I just dropped a grand on a new dishwasher, got my phone fixed and well now the A/C isn't working... and that will not be cheap. I can do this!!!
I have texts set to mute from H and haven't checked them in 24hrs!!!! Go ME!!!
As I sit here and write this he just tried to call... its 7:30am in the morning. After a 3 day weekend. What could he possibly want??? Surely he knows there is no way I've talked to my atty between Saturday and today?
Crap - I'm going to have to check for messages from him now - no texts. So he just thought it was okay to call at 7:30am???
I am better than this. I deserve better than this. What he did was wrong.
I had to spend a lovely holiday weekend without my H... without the partner I chose above all others to walk down the isle with... while he went fishing on our boat, had a lovely cookout celebrating his mother's and step-son's gf's sister's birthday and all with the company of OW....
AND, he feels he can call at 7:30am after all that??? Whatever.
If it was urgent he could have left a message or text letting me know what it was about. Nope, this is just another way he is controlling the situation...
BTW - I did fine this weekend on my own. Sure its an adjustment not having the puppy for myself and the other dog. Sure it did have its crappy moments when the AC is not working and I'm sitting in pools of sweat... but I'm taking care of myself.
Whatever the reason he called, it was evidently not important. If it had been, he should have left a message advising you of what he needed.
I have found that when they do this kind of stuff, it's because they either want to know where you are/what you are doing or their memory clicks into place and they realize that they forgot something. No matter what the reason, he doesn't need to be calling you at that time of day. Again, he needs to make a list of what he wants to take and then this type of nonsense needs to cease. You and your home are not going to be a revolving door for him to come there whenever the notion strikes him.
Sometimes, I think he just likes to get under your skin and have you all tied up in knots. I'm proud of you for not answering his call. Let him stew...he wanted out, therefore, he needs to come to realize that you aren't going to be there to hold his hand from now on. Set those boundaries.
If he truly needs something, he will contact you again and he may very well then tell you what he wants. Until then...go dark and just let him stew. You have a life to live and enjoy.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
KC, to job's point, this man has made it a habit, at least over the last couple of years (and if you are being honest, it probably goes back longer than that) to manipulate you. Even when it came to the purchases of the motorcycle and boat...purchases you have subtly and directly made clear to us that you were not sure should have been made, but he had set you up to feel like you were controlling and inflexible on what he wanted to purchase.
I think I've mentioned my father to you in your threads before. This was the exact behavior I witnessed from my father. My father never had a penny that didn't burn a hole in his pocket. If it hadn't been for my mother, our fairly large family would have starved. I have not doubt of that. Or would have lost our home, had cars repo'd, etc. It was my mom's cool and steady hand at money management that ensured that things were budgeted and that purchases didn't jeopardize the family's solvency. My dad, would find ways to manipulate and try to spend the way he wanted. And there were times he pushed my mom through those tactics to get what he wants. I know you've pushed back on this, but I think if you took off the rose-colored glasses you would see just how manipulative he could in order to get his "toys". Even to the point of "he works hard, he deserves to have this stuff". I've heard you say something very similar. The fact is no one deserves anything, they can either afford it.....or they can't.
So this man defaults to that manipulative behavior in order to continue to work towards what he wants. We mention on this board quite frequently that WWs are the most selfish beings on the planet. My guess is that as he left he realized that you are showing signs of moving on. Giving up the puppy, making he take the blender. Being surprised at the number of boxes you had packed up for him. Even your unwillingness to give on the order. All of this, in the back of his mind, is Sparkly Girl is moving on. Remember, he is selfish. And that might be too fast for him....even if he drives back to OW (see the selfishness!).
This is why we say...BELIEVE nothing he says. And only half of what he does. I wouldn't doubt on a future visit (and you should really work on his next visit being his last per job's advice), if he tries to hug you, even kiss you. My W in her waywardness even had sex with me as a way to manipulate me. I know you don't want to believe that he can manipulate, lie and cheat. Except, that is exactly what he has done for months.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sometimes, I think he just likes to get under your skin and have you all tied up in knots. I'm proud of you for not answering his call. Let him stew...he wanted out, therefore, he needs to come to realize that you aren't going to be there to hold his hand from now on. Set those boundaries.
If he truly needs something, he will contact you again and he may very well then tell you what he wants. Until then...go dark and just let him stew. You have a life to live and enjoy.
Yes - I need not to be available. I've got my own issues to deal with right now...
Hopefully my new dishwasher will be installed tomorrow. Praying the A/C people show up tomorrow afternoon. Then I need to call electrician --- need to make a list so they tackle EVERYTHING. Normally my H would just knock things out one a time but I won't ask!!!
I need to figure out how to install some boards in the garage closet OR building a shelf unit. (space isn't standard for any premade shelf unit. AGAIN, my H would just knock that out - but I will not ask.
I also will have to get the 15' foot ladder out and clean out the gutters... SIGH... I used to to tease my H before we married that at 40 the only reason I have to get M is that I have a permanent person to clean gutters and mow the lawn. It was a sweet inside joke. But, now I've got to do that job again. I have a heavily wooded back yard - despite having 15 trees already removed in 10yrs. So lots of leaves and those spiny things from maple trees to dig out!
KC, to job's point, this man has made it a habit, at least over the last couple of years (and if you are being honest, it probably goes back longer than that) to manipulate you. Even when it came to the purchases of the motorcycle and boat...purchases you have subtly and directly made clear to us that you were not sure should have been made, but he had set you up to feel like you were controlling and inflexible on what he wanted to purchase.
In the beginning of our relationship he loved just handing over everything to me. He enjoyed how well I was at managing money. He would just say he needs new tires for the truck and I would give him the green light or suggest waiting 30 days, etc.
He made the money and had the crappy commute. The motorcycle made him happy... but again he had to look at me and say "can we afford this" and I would say we'll make it work and we did.
I think what started to make him angry is that he had to ask? I think he got to a point that if he wanted something he wanted to know if he could afford it himself or not. He started to resent that I had all the financial control?
Either way he is getting an eye opener about how much "stuff"' we had as he is now managing his mortgage, boat payment, motorcycle payment, truck payment, car payment and time share along with utilities, insurance, etc... Right now he is probably resentful on how much we "owe". He made comments that he didn't realize the bike payment was so much money. But, maybe once all this "novelty" wears off he will respect me for how we made it all happen. Yes, we had all this debt but we had $$$$ in the bank. We also took amazing vacas with the kids because I wanted them to have experiences and not stuff. Typically spending 12k to 25k every other year (we were a family of 5).
Quote
This is why we say...BELIEVE nothing he says. And only half of what he does. I wouldn't doubt on a future visit (and you should really work on his next visit being his last per job's advice), if he tries to hug you, even kiss you. My W in her waywardness even had sex with me as a way to manipulate me. I know you don't want to believe that he can manipulate, lie and cheat. Except, that is exactly what he has done for months.
Steve you make me laugh!!!! This man isn't looking at me... rarely eye contact... never smiles in my presence... has never even so much as bumped elbows accidentally and with all the moving of things, packing that's impressive. I mean if he was ever going to hug me at all last Saturday would have been it. I clearly asked for a moment alone with the puppy. He knew it was hard to part with him... but he never stepped up and gave me hug or even came close.
I think I just have one of those WH who is just completely done and not waffling. And, he has come to the conclusion we are "friends" as that helps the narrative he is telling himself. Seriously, he has introduced OW to all his family and friends... he attends all family functions with her. He would have to swallow a big f ton of pride to get to a point where he would have me by his side again... I never see that happening.
But, I digress... I'm busy... I've got a lot to accomplish right now.
KC- good job in avoiding texting him! Keep that up! Also glad to hear you reorganized the garage, definitely do stuff like that to YOUR tastes. Move the furniture around, take stuff down off the walls, put different stuff up, add all the girly touches you didn't before because your H was there. Make it yours. When you look around you should see YOU, not memories of him.
As for his 7:30am call, GOOD FOR YOU for not answering! Now you did let it get to you and you did spin some because of it, but not answering was the right thing to do. Who cares why he called, not your problem. If he needs something then he can text and you'll reply when you get around to it.
The one he is going to is going to challenge him so much more. They allow the kids access to the latest and greatest tech - they just check out from the lab whatever they need. It's amazing. And, the internships that get offered and the head hunters that sit in the building everyday... its a no brainer. (PLUS, it's my alma matter too!!!) S18 father and I make enough money to make this happen.