It would be easier for sure. Not sure the Doc would wait that long. She made it clear early on that she only wanted to date long term if it was leading to marriage. I doubt she would want to date forever.
I asked my oldest she just said she missed her mom. I asked her now why all of sudden is she expressing herself this way and she provided no further insight. She spent the night at a friends house on Saturday night and then I picked her up on Sunday so she did not get the full amount of time last week with her mom.
I am not sure who “The Coach” is but anyone who disowns his/her child for the sake of love would send me running the other way. That is not a sign of a healthy person.
It seems cold to me that the Doc told her s you are now the man of the house. It’s one thing to redirect a kid (there are many kind ways to do this) and quite another to displace him in that fashion and so openly. I would watch that relationship very closely because your girls are seeing it, too. Pieces of her treatment towards him are humiliating.
Maybe your daughter is still grieving the loss of her old life. My kids were noticeably withdrawn for a full year and a half after my ex moved out. They were 14 and 12. My older one had his sense of humor return about a year and a half after move out. My younger one just now is starting to laugh; two years 4 months post move out.
My ex remarried months after the divorce; he was divorced and remarried within 9 months! I was just waiting for the birth announcement; lol! In my sitch the lightening speed at which my ex moved forward drew my kids closer to me. It was clear they figured out he was cheating. I noticed they showed me more respect. I have overheard my older s saying to his cousin on my ex’s side that ex’s new wife is not his mother and that she’s not anyone to whom to pay attention. Ex did not set his new wife up for success. Ex even told my kids to keep her a secret from me! And when I finally learned he had married my kids told me they would keep the same secret for me. I told them that if and when I am ready to introduce them to someone I would never ask them to keep it a secret rather I would celebrate the person. And I made it clear marriages are not secrets to be kept. If I needed to hide it I would evaluate why that is. Just another way that ex did not set her up to be respected. Sad.
My older s has intimated it is awkward to suddenly have a new woman living with them and he comes here more now (at times he is supposed to be at ex’s) and I know this feels more like home to him. He says it just feels less comfortable with her there; again probably as it was all too speedy. My younger one does not discuss it which to me says it is hard for him. I think my ex never gave them time to adjust to any of this.
Yes, kids can adapt to lots of things but this does not mean it is necessary.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Yeah, I didn't like that comment either. I told her as much and that it was too much too soon and he isn't ready for all that. It made me feel a little awkward as well. She has never made the comment again. Her mom was hard on her and her sister growing up which explains some things. I think part of the issue is that what she sees in me is the exact opposite of her XH so I think that explains a lot of what her desire is for me. She told my mom that I am her everything and from her perspective I get it. Maybe that clouds her judgement sometimes, not sure, but it is clear I am the one and she is waiting on me. Certainly other comments she has made make me pause for concern as well. I try to look at the entire body of work.
She likes her alone time and for the most part her son keeps to himself. My girls are much more interactive and always want to be around me, are not quiet. Definitely a big change for her going from one kid in the house to 3. That said she has been nothing but nice and pleasant with my girls. We have played board games together, she got them gifts for all the holidays, baked them cakes for their birthdays, want them to be involved in other activities. She has also made it clear to me that she would make sure they were taken care of in the future. We have had conversations about college and even if the time comes if they ever wanted to come live with us.
She has a big heart and have seen it in action several times. There are not a lot of people in her inner circle but once you are in she treats you like gold.
Certainly no rush and as I have said before my girls have to be comfortable. Something a definitely wont force.
I felt like hawho did over that comment. Look up Patricia Papernow and stepfamilies. She has some good advice - similar to something KML once posted. The current theory is that the non biological parent is not supposed to be the disciplinarian. They need to “connect not correct” which she says takes years (not just months) And that authoritarian parenting by the step parent is toxic. Her book is expensive but you can get some good stuff from her website. None of this is easy on the kids. But with years of work it seems like stepfamilies can succeed. Just not easy. For me - family and marriage has always been important to me. It’s part of my culture and Luckily my fiancé’s as well. But many people forgo blending families because of the heartache and work that comes with it. I’m scared too and know that disgruntled children can really destroy a relationship like nothing else. It’s the statistics. So maybe if it’s something your both considering - really prepare.
She defines authoritarian parenting too as different from authoritative (which is warm and loving but still needs to come in time ) my thought is that if you yourself don’t feel connected - then leave discipline to her so that you know your coming from a good place with her son.
I have to admit I cringed when you wrote that . And worried a little about how she says you are her everything. She puts you up on a pedestal. But you certainly won’t stay there forever. What happens when you aren’t anymore?
And generally the coach is WRONG, lol. A woman who is in her right mind would not disown their child for love. That’s a mentally unstable woman.
Is there a level of connection lost between the doc and her son??
The person who I fear for in this blended family is her son. There already seems to be a disconnect between her and her son and she hard on him and at times belittling . When he sees how you are with your girls and then sees the doc be nicer to your girls than her own son, that poor boy isn’t going to thrive like that.
I hope you develop that bond with him. He needs it. I do yuh n he probably feels in competition with you for the little bit of the time the doc has to share. Gotta be rough on him.
And ahhhhhh, puberty. My daughter got her period 2 months ago at 12.5. And the poor child has had it too more times since. She called me yesterday at work stressing and crying and freaking out over small stuff. I told her she was probably getting her period again and boom, there it was. While she is at her dads this weekend, she does become more clingy to me when she has it. And and even though she might become a little B , she wants more hugs and kisses and quality time believe it or not. So maybe it is the good old hormones. And the week on/ week off schedule is tough. We don’t have 50/50, and she gets a week away from her dad every now and then and handles it well, but does begin to miss him. She’s only away from on vacation for a week or longer, and we’ll, that’s vacation, lol.
Have you thought about talking the the kids about an alternate plan? Your ex of course first. Maybe a 3/4 schedule? A week is ? I’ve probably asked you this before.....
By the way, I think you guys have the perfect scenario right now. 2 houses, a mile away, lots of together time and apart time when you need it and neither of you are stepped for cash, so 2 mortgages aren’t a big deal.......
If that was my situation? I would get married and live apart!
Yes...….I have no desire to discipline him at this point. It's not even on my radar, I always defer to the Doc. I stopped engaging with him because it just led to frustration on my part and he would not want to do whatever I suggested anyway. It's the path of least resistance for me. I am also very aware of the power struggle with his mom and the competition that might be brewing between him and I regarding his mom. I certainly don't want to be that guy. I am actually very self-aware.
Thanks Nef…...I do need to remember to run my own race.
Honestly G I am a freaking catch and she knows it. I believe to her I am everything her XH wasn't. So in her mind she feels like she hit the jack pot. I do understand though and when I read that I was like WHOA! What happens when I am not there? Not sure, my XW thought I was great at one point to. I guess that is where you hope your core values are in alignment but people change so no guarantees. I think my chances are good, she was married to a dude for over 10 years who had no job, couldn't get it up and had nothing to do with their son. Based on that I like my odds.
They connect in intellectual ways. She is his person but unfortunately she doesn't spend a lot of time with him. She does see him every morning and puts him to bed every night. Since her XH has been out of the picture due to his surgery she has him every weekend as well. Last summer she took him to water parks by herself, they read together, lay in bed together, she helps him with his homework however when she is in her full tilt Type A personality mode she is all business. She is not a touchy feely, emotional person that is I guess what you would call your prototypical mom. I do think her son would benefit from more of that from her.
I agree her son has the most to lose. He definitely has his routine. He goes to bed every night at 7:30 and wakes up at 6. When he wakes up he comes downstairs and watches TV in his moms bed. He is set on her schedule and she doesn't really deviate from it. My girls go to bed, in a normal situation at 8:30 and wake up around 7. Now though they are up until like 11 waking up around 9. I am working from home and it's practically the summer so I could care less. That is just one example but the differences certainly will be challenging. I just can't imagine being on the same page with everything. There is no way my 11 yr old is going to bed at 7:30.
I would like to develop a bond but I am definitely not pushing it. He can come to me on his own terms when he is ready. He is the type of kid you have to play Jedi mind tricks with. If you want him to go outside and play or ride bikes you would have more success getting him out their if he knew it was something you didn't want to do.
It could be hormones for sure. I probed deeper last night and she said she sad that her mom is alone by herself. I guess since her BF has a job now and moved a little farther away they don't see each other as much. She said she feel sad for me as well when I am alone and not with the Doc. She also made some comments about mommy getting frustrated with them when she is doing homework and my oldest wanted to be there so mommy could get frustrated with her and not someone else. Then she asked who's idea it was to get Divorced. I toed the line and told her it was a joint decision. She is not old enough to handle the truth and I would only be honest out of spite and that is not right for my daughters. I just listened to her, told her that mommy and daddy love her very much and that we are perfectly happy. I then let her know that I get frustrated with her to just like mommy does and while it's not always right parents do get frustrated from time to time but that doesn't mean she is not loved. She also had a sleep over with a friend on Saturday night and didn't see her mom on Sunday so did not get her full week with her mom. The have Facetimed a couple times this week and we drove to her mom's house on Wednesday so she could get her Airpods so she was able to see her. It also could be becoming a reality to her that we are not getting back together.
You have asked and we had discussed it but really didn't feel the kids were struggling with it too much. During the school year there is always an activity going on to where it was never a full week without seeing the other parent. This time around my youngest has been fine so IDK.
It is a perfect scenario and she is so good to me.
Thank goodness I’m not the only one who thought that was an odd thing for the doctor to say. I was beginning to think I was losing it and maybe it was just me so I didn’t comment but then others did, so I wasn’t alone. It also makes me cringe even more that she says you’re her everything. You always describe her as this strong, analytical, non-emotional, type A personality and that seems true with her son but then she’s all flowery and swoony over you. That kind of doesn’t make sense. I’m not saying you aren’t a catch because you really are, at least from this angle, but her emotion toward you seems somehow disproportionate from the emotion she displays toward her own child. Of course, there are many subtle nuances to all this that we aren’t privy to and I get that.
I don’t know either of you so I am likely just crazy but something about how you describe her versus how she acts/is just doesn’t quite gee haw in my mind. I have long feared for you exactly what G pointed out.....what happens when you get knocked off that pedestal?
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
It’s kind of what I am lost on. I know you are a catch. But her response to you and her child with her type a clinical personality are very disproportionate .
I am sure you deserve to be on the pedestal, but we all know it’s not healthy to keep someone up there forever. And it’s just not realistic no matter how much of a catch you are.
I’m sure there is tons we are missing here. This is just a snippet and we aren’t present in your every day.
Sounds like your daughter is having a normal reaction to all of this and the reality is hitting her and she is going through her own form of grieving. Hey, it’s tough even in the best of situations. It’s good she has 2 parents who love her so much
