Hello, I'm new here. I could never have imagined I'd find myself here, but like the rest of us here I am.
On Monday 4/6 my W informed me that: A) Our marriage doesn't work B) She wants to file for divorce C) She has developed feelings for someone else, a mutual friend.
P and I have been together for 14 years. We've been married for 2 1/2 years. We have had our ups and downs like any other couple but things had always seemed to turn for the better and we would moved forward. Now, looking back at the 6 months prior to D-day, it's obvious to me she was trying harder than usual to convey to me concerns about the health of our marriage and the degree of her unhappiness. For reasons that I can't even explain to myself I seemingly failed to sense the true urgency of our problems. Maybe I recoiled and felt I was under attack. Maybe I thought this storm would pass like others prior. I can't understand why I was so self-absorbed/oblivious as to not hear her 11th hour attempts to fix this marriage. I'm having a difficult time forgiving myself and feel as though I spent 6 months breaking my own heart as well as hers while not even realizing it.
If she wanted my attention she got it. Unfortunately it would seem that at some point btw the beginning of March and mid March she burnt out, gave up, saw no evidence that things could ever improve to where she would find happiness and as a result, emotionally disconnected from our marriage and myself. It's my understanding that it's typical to not realize this event until the day the bad news arrives.
I'm 57 and this is actually my first marriage. P is 54 and it's her third though her 2nd was only for a few months. P is an RN but also moonlights singing in a local band. The OM is also a member of that band and is 72. Their friendship had been innocent and platonic, the three of us often went out for dinner together. Then seemingly out of nowhere at the beginning of April it went beyond innocent. As I had had a ringside seat for much of this buildup I can see where the two of them obviously got along well as friends and as musicians, but I never thought this was possible. I feel like a fool.
I move out this Sunday. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I blame myself for not being the attentive person I thought I was but clearly wasn't. I wish I could go back 6 months and knock some sense into myself. I love my W and now that I've awakened there is nothing within my capacity I wouldn't do to try to fix our relationship. As is often the case however, it would seem the opportunity to do that will not exist. It seems like I'm dealing with a trifecta of WAW, an exit affair, and possibly limerence. Clearly this will be an uphill battle and not one I should hold out much hope for, but just 32 days into this I feel like I need to try. If this is over, and it sure seems that way, I'll feel better knowing I did everything I could once I finally awakened to how bad things actually were.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-66, D33,S32
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Keep reading and posting here. I know your pain, I've been there.
Don't move out of your house. Don't do it. Let her move out. You didn't cheat. And it's your house too so if you want to not appear pathetic to her please don't move out b/c she told you she is cheating and wants a divorce. Just say OK there's the door W and turn the TV back on.
Implement the Last Resort Technique:
1. Stop pursuing (none, zero, nada) 2. GAL (get a life) 3. Wait and See.
You need to get out and get busy and try to take your mind off of this, at least some of the time. Change your focus off of her and on to you. Make you and your life the best it can be.
I will check this later and post more then.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thank you ovrrnbw, actually in this case the home is hers. She said I could take as much time as I need. The fact is I want to get out so we can both have space. I also need to get away to help me clear my head and begin the process of working on myself. As we share a Golden Retriever, who is closer to me than her, it's going to be difficult to not have some contact.
So I moved out this past Sunday. The preceding week had been an emotional roller coaster of a week. On one hand I didn't want to leave her and the space that had been home for 14 years. On the other hand I felt the need to get out for my own sense of sanity and to give her space.
Friday night when she got home from the hospital she asked if there was more room in the guest room bed, which was a bit of a surprise. She snuggled, told me she was going to miss me, talked about how awesome a Step Dad I had been to her son for so many years, and expressed gratitude over the support I had given her over the years through many personal challenges. I told her that I didn't doubt there may be a small part of her that might miss me periodically given our shared history and experiences, but stated as well I was aware of her desire at this time to move on.
We had talked about having a last dinner together for Saturday night, but when the opportunity came for her to go to a social distancing cookout with friends in RI the dinner plans quickly fell through, which kind of brought me back to Earth. I felt slighted.
Late Sunday afternoon I was gone. We hugged, she cried a little. I hadn't been in my new residence for more than five minutes when she sent me photos of our dog indicating the dog already missed me. She also said if there was anything I needed to let her know.
Our arrangement for the dog at this time is to split time with her for two weeks. While the dog is at her place I'll be sharing morning feeding/walking duties with a friend on days P is working. I've been skeptical of this but agreed to at least attempt it. Yesterday was the first day. If not for the dog being happy to see me I would have thought I had accidently stepped into the wrong home. It felt strange. It felt uncomfortable. The same home I had awakened in just two days before, as I had for the prior 14 years, already had the feel of a different space. In the kitchen I saw where the OM had pretty much already set up shop with a cappuccino machine and other assortments, a half consumed bottle of wine in the refrigerator, the deck furniture was rearranged in a manner clearly showing the cozy get together that had taken place there since my departure not even 48 hours before. I felt nauseous and wondered why I agreed to this arrangement, which struck me as a violation of boundaries on many levels. After walking the dog I couldn't get out of there fast enough.
With each passing day the reality of all of this penetrates my thick skull a little more. She's past grieving the end of our relationship. I was oblivious when she was going through this. She now feels hopeful for a future which doesn't include me, while I, only five weeks after learning about her plans and still trying to absorb this and hold on to any shred of hope if there is any to grasp, feel more hopeless this can ever be saved.
If not for the dog being happy to see me I would have thought I had accidently stepped into the wrong home. It felt strange. It felt uncomfortable. The same home I had awakened in just two days before, as I had for the prior 14 years, already had the feel of a different space. In the kitchen I saw where the OM had pretty much already set up shop with a cappuccino machine and other assortments, a half consumed bottle of wine in the refrigerator, the deck furniture was rearranged in a manner clearly showing the cozy get together that had taken place there since my departure not even 48 hours before. I felt nauseous and wondered why I agreed to this arrangement, which struck me as a violation of boundaries on many levels. After walking the dog I couldn't get out of there fast enough.
First, very sorry you're going through this. But yes, this is why we say not to move out. In your case it was her house so you really didn't have a choice, but it's not unusual for a wayward to move OM in as soon as the LBS is out even if they expressed no interest in dating beforehand. They have this fantasy all mapped out in their head and can't want to implement it.
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With each passing day the reality of all of this penetrates my thick skull a little more. She's past grieving the end of our relationship. I was oblivious when she was going through this. She now feels hopeful for a future which doesn't include me, while I, only five weeks after learning about her plans and still trying to absorb this and hold on to any shred of hope if there is any to grasp, feel more hopeless this can ever be saved.
It's not nearly as hopeless as it may seem. There are three possible outcomes:
1. WAS explores new life for a while, finds it's not all sunshine and rainbows, eventually reconciles with LBS.
2. Same as above, but LBS has moved on and doesn't want to reconcile anymore.
3. WAS rides into the sunset happy as can be.
Just based on my own anecdotal evidence from these forums and personal experiences, 1 and 2 are far more common than 3. A lot of people think the "success rate" in saving M's is very low, but what they don't realize is it is because of number 2 above, it's the LBS that eventually decides they are done and moving on. It makes sense if you think about it. Imagine you've been through all the hurt and pain you're in now, but for months and months. All the while, your W is partying it up with OM and just having a grand old time, the two of them thumbing their noses at you from your old home. Eventually you heal and start getting a life of your own and ceasing to care about what she's doing. You address the pain, you recover, you feel good about life again. Eventually you may even start dating and find someone who gives you the respect and attention you realize you weren't getting in your old relationship. THEN your W strolls back into your life wanting to reconcile. Would you want to consider getting back with the person that skipped out on the marriage without warning and immediately shacked up with someone else? Who didn't give you the time of day for a year or more, and now suddenly can't live without you? Could you possibly trust this person to be loyal and faithful from now on? Often the answer is no, no, no.
Anyway my point is that depending on how patient you are, chances are better than you think that your W will eventually come around.
BobP, sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately this is typical WW behavior.
I say this a lot, something that was said to me in my sitch when my W wanted to move out and get her own apartment (it is specific to women but it is really gender neutral: "Women do not need their own place to find themselves or to work on the marriage. Women need their own place to sleep with other people."
As AS said, her moving OM in, even if he isn't sleeping there, is typical. And while it was her house, you are married and a resident of that abode. Most lawyers would have told you that you should stay....and that you had a legal right to stay. I really wish you had consulted a lawyer before making such a big decision. The end of a marriage is a largely a legal proceeding. You need legal advice to guide you through that.
As far as the agreement on dog care. Terrible. Your justification for moving out was to give her space. How does going to the house so often accomplish that? I would rearrange it. When dog is in her care it's her responsibility. If she cannot take care of the dog, then you should take the dog 100% of the time! Look at how badly seeing what you've seen has already set you back?
You are making a lot of mistakes. I don't mean to beat you over the head but sometimes bluntness is necessary, and I would love to see you start taking back some respect, and stand up for yourself.
"Sorry, the current arrangement with the dog is not working. I feel I should take the dog full time and you can have visitation rights. Unless you think you can handle the care of the dog for the 2 weeks at a time it is with you?"
For dog drop offs and pickups, it is just like a child drop off and pickups. Picking the dog up from you is her responsibility (IE you do not deliver the dog to her.) When it is your turn to pick the dog up from her, you pull up in the driveway, or curbside and the dog is to be brought out to you.
She doesn't get to have you move out, do whatever she wants with whomever she wants, but still give you access to the place because it is convenient to her. Waywards are the worst because they will take and take and take until you put your foot down. So give up the keys to the house. And do not agree to take care of things for her. She fired you as her husband, she doesn't get to have her cake and eat it too!
Oh, and her manipulation attempts are disgusting to me. Snuggling up to you, being sad you are leaving. Etc. It was all manipulations to get you to be "peaceful" and to be there when she needs you. Rip the bandaid off. She doesn't get to have you when she needs you, and then do whatever she wants with whomever she wants. She is not respecting you, at all. Start doing things that command respect!!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It's not nearly as hopeless as it may seem. There are three possible outcomes:
1. WAS explores new life for a while, finds it's not all sunshine and rainbows, eventually reconciles with LBS.
2. Same as above, but LBS has moved on and doesn't want to reconcile anymore.
3. WAS rides into the sunset happy as can be.
Thanks for the reply AS,
In this particular case the pairing may have some legs (outcome 3). I know the OM very well. I had considered him a friend until recently. He lost his wife to cancer about a year ago just two weeks shy of their 50th wedding anniversary. Since that time my W and myself had been part of his support as he grieved the loss of his spouse. Fearing he was lonely we would often include him in many of our activities. The three of us would often go out for dinner. My W and him have worked closely with one another for about a year and a half as part of a three person musical group that performs locally. The W has always had a deep admiration for him for the person he is and has always enjoyed working with him as well as enjoying his company. Of course this was innocent and platonic and I never could have dreamed her interest in him could have ever been romantic. In fact we had been actively trying to set him up with people because he was complaining of loneliness and didn't appear to have lost interest in getting out there in the wake of his wife's passing. My W says that it just kind of happened involuntarily and suddenly, about half a month after she decided that she wanted out of our marriage. Somewhat understandable, in retrospect we had lost a great deal of the intimacy required to sustain a relationship, something that had gone on a little too long without my sensing how bad it had gotten. Wish I could go back.
She's 54 and he's about to turn 72. Maybe the age differential shouldn't surprise me as much as it has. The only possible traits of his that I can see wearing on her nerves over time is what I had detected as a very unattractive neediness. He has also had health issues, such as prostate cancer, which have impacted certain functions but her attachment to him seems both emotional as well as physical.
Steve85, all your points are well taken. She did emphasize to me on a number of occasions that I didn't need to leave and that she had no intention of kicking me out. If there had not been an OM I would have stayed. The tension, the wondering where the heck she was at times, was getting difficult to live with. But you're right, I'm not good at this, I never thought I'd be dealing with this ever, and I've probably been making a lot of mistakes.
In this particular case the pairing may have some legs (outcome 3). I know the OM very well. I had considered him a friend until recently. He lost his wife to cancer about a year ago just two weeks shy of their 50th wedding anniversary. Since that time my W and myself had been part of his support as he grieved the loss of his spouse. Fearing he was lonely we would often include him in many of our activities. The three of us would often go out for dinner. My W and him have worked closely with one another for about a year and a half as part of a three person musical group that performs locally. The W has always had a deep admiration for him for the person he is and has always enjoyed working with him as well as enjoying his company. Of course this was innocent and platonic and I never could have dreamed her interest in him could have ever been romantic. In fact we had been actively trying to set him up with people because he was complaining of loneliness and didn't appear to have lost interest in getting out there in the wake of his wife's passing. My W says that it just kind of happened involuntarily and suddenly, about half a month after she decided that she wanted out of our marriage.
That sounds a lot like the OM my XW was involved with after BD. His wife didn't die, but she did leave him and shacked up with his brother. He was a coworker of my XW and I knew him beforehand and he seemed like a nice enough guy. We even had him over to our house a few times. My XW was there for him as he grieved the loss of his W. Same thing- enjoyed his company, deep respect, blah blah blah. It became more than friends. Now she barely talks to him. He lost his job years ago and was never motivated to find another. She got really tired of all his neediness. He finally rented out his house because he couldn't afford it and couldn't find a buyer, and moved into a small camper on a deer lease somewhere.
Things may seem peachy for her and OM now but 6 months or a year from now who knows.
