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#2894255 05/06/20 02:06 PM
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Prior Thread - Three Little Birds
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2894235&page=1

Coming up with new thread titles is difficult sometimes.

For those who are late to the AndrewP show - long term marriage, wife shows all the stereotypical signs of a MLC after the kids leave the nest. OM makes an appearance (possibly more than one), I panic and try to "fix" everything and end up divorced when it is clear that while she seems happy for me to stay where I am, she has her own agenda. In the divorce, I keep the marital home while she moves out somewhere local, eventually in with OM - according to rumour. I have had no meaningful contact with her since late 2016 and know very little about her life or her relationship with our two kids. She appears to be keeping pretty close tabs on me though having been spotted lurking in the shrubberies in the garden centre across the street among other events.

After time, I date a bit, one serious R last year for a few months and another that is ongoing including getting engaged. The lady in question "S" is a 52 year old SAHM with 5 kids all of whom have had some sort of special need so that has consumed her life for the last 25 years. She and at least one of her kids and 2 critters will be moving in in a couple of weeks. A second kid and 4 additional critters are in some ways an open question as they have plans on moving out on their own. The other 3 are firmly launched. My own S25 has moved out on his own this past week.

Our story continues.

---------------------

S stopped by yesterday evening for a short while bringing a load of stuff. S13's bike needs at least the tires pumped back up. A variety of art came. S asked for it to be put somewhere safe. I'm figuring that I'll take down some things from the wall that I'm not partial to and just hang what she brought for now as being the safest place to store it that I can think of. Some of it I find really nice. One amazing little print of a house is right on with my taste. None of it is objectionable and it will all look nice.

S25 might be by sometime today to pick up a care package of fresh bread made for him by one of his poker buddies who used to be a chef and is now a real estate agent.

The new vanity install went very well. The plumber did a very professional job. Partially at my suggestion, he just cut out the old pipe that would have been a nuisance to match to and redid the lines. Made life easier for all. S was pleased with it as well. She has some ambitious plans on redecorating but I believe that, and her comments match this, that things will take time and planning and more importantly saving. We talked more about that last night and we both agree that for now, no changing things that are more or less fine as they are and that first she / we need to get a feel for how the rooms will be used and then plan the redecorating to match that.

---------------

Struggling a bit with work. I'm taking over some production planning responsibilities which currently the company president does. He's been at the plant his entire career and just "knows" what needs to be done. He seems patient with my fumbling about and I'm getting closer each day to coming to the same conclusions as he does. One challenge is that he has it ready first thing in the morning even before I get my first pot of tea and I need to up my game for that. And also put together the tools I need to manage all the various factors that come in to play to make the decisions on what the plant will be doing both in the current day and then forecast out a week or so at a time. We don't plan much farther out than that in detail as we produce to customer demand and have little space to store product.

----

I've decided that I need to make better healthy choices. Since quarantine, I've put on a few pounds. My thoughts of going for daily walks and working in the garden every day I can haven't happened. Long work days are partly to blame. Being lazy is perhaps more so. I also need to make better food choices. My alcohol consumption at least is way back. I had a beer yesterday while doing the dishes, thought about having a second and decided that I didn't want it. A healthier set of choices than I've made in the past. I eat very little snack food but have had too many cookies lately (girl guide season). I've been eating though like every day is the weekend. Nice full hot breakfast every day, a decent lunch and then dinner. I need to add more fibre and fruit and such like that was part of my past "work day" meals. My gout is acting up too and I am getting some swelling in my lower legs - signs that my circulation isn't behaving so regular walking "must" get put back on the list.

S has been reading up on the various complaints that I have and has some suggestions for diet changes and such that we need to check out. I find that I tend to read multiple articles and compare them - perhaps looking for advice that I like smile - where S tends to read just one and then go with that.

Ah well. Let's see how long this thread lasts.


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Hey Andrew

Just to go back to the last thread - where you mention different constitutions and differences in the core beliefs of independence and liberty... I think that it’s more an issue of people being more desperate here. Think of how desperate you have to be to protest in order to go back to work During a deadly pandemic ? When people lose their jobs, they do not have health insurance here. . There has not been any moratoriums on rent or mortgages for people. I applied for unemployment a month ago and haven’t heard back. And I have still not received a stimulus check. Wages are so low here and cost of living (at least where I live) is so high that people live pay check to pay check and do not have the savings that others do. Most of my colleagues (have doctorates and high student loans) work two jobs or live with their parents. So being out of work in the United States is a lot more problematic then in Canada or Europe.

I watched a show where a teacher asked a child what would have happened if Great Britain had won the Revolutionary war and he said “we would have health insurance”

Now obviously, I am sure these protests are being organized and funded by certain political interests and lobbyists. But people grab on to it because they are desperate. The government needed to help from the bottom up and they of course weren’t gonna do that. The failure is in the people to demand to go back to work instead of demanding to get unemployment benefits. (But we all know about narcissistic deflection here)

I also want to comment on S13. He sounds really sweet and I get a sense of how much he wants a father figure. I think that both of you are going to benefit from this tremendously. You have the opportunity to really make a difference in his life. You guys seem to have very similar interests. He wants to learn from you and help you. theres so many ways people can view this arrangement. Some people feel they are exploiting you - but I think that having the opportunity to help a child is not just a gift to him but to you as well.


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Another difference between the US and Canada is that We don’t know what to believe here. I was being told I was not allowed to wear a mask when working with highly vulnerable patients (like lung cancer patients). We were all saying we were afraid that we were passive carriers. That was based on guidelines from The cdc. Then suddenly everyone has to wear one. It’s all the stupidity and lies that make Americans protest because they don’t know what is sensationalism and what is real. I hate trump, but there’s truth in that the media does not offer professional journalism so that’s the problem too.


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“They” say mosquitoes only bite the sweetest people, so maybe you are just lucky, Andrew. And, it is only the female mosquitoes who bite so maybe you just attract them. Even lady mosquitoes are looking for the good guys! wink


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Yeah Juju, I was telling people from the beginning to wear masks and that the government discouragement of it was really intended just to keep us from buying up all the disposable masks that healthcare workers need. It was a stupid move on their part - they could have just encouraged people to wear cloth masks and asked (or prohibited) them from buying up the disposable masks. Now there's a whole group of people who don't think masks are necessary.

I actually wanted us to start wearing masks in our office a couple of weeks before we did but everyone thought it would scare the patients. I'm much more of a realist than most I guess.

I agree that Andrew has the opportunity to do some good deeds here - nothing wrong with that (so long as it's not to his own detriment). I think I asked before, but is S13 also on a gluten-free diet? Because Celiac disease is a cause of short stature and delayed puberty.

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I had to go "in to town" to pick up a prescription and took the opportunity to mail Girl Guide cookies to my D25. I was pleased to see that perhaps 25% of the people are now wearing masks. The greater majority of them what I would call "younger people".

Originally Posted by kml
I think I asked before, but is S13 also on a gluten-free diet? Because Celiac disease is a cause of short stature and delayed puberty.
S13 is on a gluten-free diet and has a sensitivity - not sure to what degree. S's mother who was a tiny thing perhaps 90lbs soaking wet (and a nurse and yoga instructor) was full blown Celiac. Of S's kids, her D25 and S23 are not (XH#1). D19 was but has seemingly grown out of it, S17 isn't, and S13 and S herself are.

I'm not sure exactly how it affects S but she has mentioned that she gets quite irritable and short tempered when "glutenized" as one of the effects. She jokes that as a red-head that she's allergic or sensitive to darned near everything. She was surprised and pleased that early on when we were dating I made a point of finding out what anti-histamines and pain meds she could actually take and made sure that I have a stock of them here.

S13 has the physique of a perfectly healthy and normal 5 or 6 year old and his doctors have no issues with him other than the fact that he is an incredibly picky eater and is too slim. He has none of the normal indicators of a growth hormone imbalance. There's a bunch of reasons why he is picky and he and his mother are working on them. S17 was also small and is just barely hitting puberty now and is perhaps 5' 6" now and if he's 100lbs that would be a surprise. D19 was small but is now taller than her mother. If you lined up all three kids at the same age you'd have a hard time telling them apart. S herself didn't blossom until she was in her early 20s. Setting aside S's health issues which are mostly due to some serious car accidents 20 years or so ago, she and all the kids are physically healthy. D25 has worked as a professional dancer, D19 is a part-time model, actor and dancer. S17 although incredibly introverted is quite athletic but only in solo pursuits. S herself skated competitively and still has the legs to prove it.

S isn't concerned by S13's size. It's his father who has pushed for him to get growth hormones so that he "won't get picked on". Which to me is BS. On the few times I've seen S13 with his buddies - most of whom are double his size, he gets along great, has some good friends and is a cheerful and outgoing kid. His mind is absolutely that of a 13 year old albeit one for whom puberty and girls are more an intellectual fact rather than something that he's actually interested in.

Both S and XH#2 have some sort of ADD/ADHD and their three kids all have it. I don't think that D19 is on medication but both of the younger boys are as is S herself. I've seen all of them when they've forgotten their meds and they can get rather hyper and wound up. They are all self-aware enough though to recognize what's going on and don't like how they feel at those times. The meds themselves are pretty heavy duty things that are tightly regulated and controlled. I won't post the actual names but have looked them up and they are the standard meds for managing these conditions. Each of them take something different.


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Happy Friday!

I really need to adjust my schedule so that I am out of my PJs before getting "in to the office" as once the emails start flowing it's tough to step away. Work has been crazy with the new responsibilities and I can feel the stress especially in the morning when trying to get everything organized for the plant. I am considering this positive stress as I am learning a lot and have the active support of the people I am working with both internally and on the customer side. It helps a bit that many of the people who are now customers are people that I've worked with for over a decade and the people who are my colleagues both in production and the office are also people who I have existing relationships with going back a long way.

I had a peek on social media and I think we can all assume that B is pretty much certainly back with her H. A recent photo posted is from the back deck of the house they shared. Makes me feel bad on multiple levels. First off, he is legitimately a jerk who felt entitled to have both a wife and mistress and showed no regrets about any of it. Secondly, B deserves so much better and even being on her own would be in the non-material ways better than being with someone who she cannot trust. And personally it does make the whole AndrewP as OM thing sting. I was so very confident that she'd put her past behind her and long behind and perhaps I was right. From a purely practical point of view she perhaps made the right decision. She can live fairly comfortably with him even if he is more than a bit of a financial train-wreck, he's got a good pension coming in reliably, a decent albeit heavily mortgaged house on a lake which is one of the things she missed the most about being here.

I wish her well though and will always remember her fondly. Hopefully she thinks the same about me.

She crossed my mind more than usual today as I need to pop "in to town" to pick up a bike tire tube for S13's bike and the only place to get it is at the store she worked at. The odds are pretty much zero that our paths would cross going forward in to the future.

-----

S has dropped off some stuff here earlier in the week including some pictures that are important to her. She asked me to put them somewhere safe and in my mind, the safest place was on the wall so I did that, taking down some my ex-wife had selected that while I liked them, weren't all that special to me. I hope she likes where I put them and of course they can be moved around.

She asked earlier yesterday if she and S13 could stop by for a few days which was of course OK with me but her day got away from her and by early evening it was decided that rather than rushing over as I was going to bed that she'd try again today.

Working on communication skills with her. One of her major triggers is if she feels not involved in decisions. This was a big factor in many of her past relationships where she felt that she had no say over money or even decor (especially in her last one). So - when I told her that I'd contacted a local charity about taking some of our surplus furniture and stuff she responded with "do you think maybe talking with me about it first might have been a good idea?". Certainly a bit of a smack-down. I responded that we had indeed talked about it before and about this specific charity and that I wasn't making any specific decisions about donations but just getting more information. She seemed ok with that.

I feel that a key thing with S will be proving that my words match my actions. That I will do what I say I will do and that her voice will be heard and that we'll make decisions about "us" stuff together. I will undoubtedly have to work extra hard to prove that to her until it just becomes the norm and what she expects. She is "very" sensitive about this one thing more than anything else and given her history, that's no surprise.

I did reach out to S's kids and ask if they were planning on doing any Mother's Day things here at the house. It looks like I'll get Sunday to myself again. Perhaps the last one for a very long time. I may make myself a nice meal - perhaps liver and onions and get a bottle of wine to go with it and enjoy saying goodbye to that chapter of my life.


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oh Andrew, are you giving yourself a "stag" party?


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Quote

I had a peek on social media and I think we can all assume that B is pretty much certainly back with her H


I, for one, suspected as much. Speaking of which - how is S’s divorce coming along????

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Originally Posted by kml
Quote

I had a peek on social media and I think we can all assume that B is pretty much certainly back with her H
I, for one, suspected as much. Speaking of which - how is S’s divorce coming along????
She has the paperwork filled out and has figured out the financial settlement (she has to pay him back some money she borrowed and got herself a loan). She's not sure if the courts are taking in person applications.

I'm keeping my nose out of it all.


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It's Monday!

Got up to my alarm to try to work on production planning. I had the morning plan 1/2 done when the guy who currently does it sent me his draft with "how's it going"? I think I need to set my alarm earlier especially if I think that I'm going to get a cup of tea.

I'm learning that with the new responsibilities that there is frantic action through the early morning and then it calms down. I need to adjust my hours and processes for that as I'm still in my PJs by nearly lunch time. There are soo many moving parts. Rail cars, containers, trucks, tank levels, fittings and gaskets. Most of which I will just need to "know" with the help of a chalk board that my daughter used to write poems on that now shows tank levels and container inventories.

This is going to really require me to up my game. I fumbled the ball today and the truck showed up and the plant didn't know what to load because I didn't send out the list even though I had it set up.

------------

Busy busy weekend - which of course didn't go at all as planned. I think I'm getting better with the unplanned. Something of an achievement for me as anyone who knows me will understand.

The plan had been for me to be here on my own, cleaning and organizing. No big Sunday Supper but a nice bottle of wine with whatever I felt like scrounging up. Yeah - that went sideways.

S and S13 ended up staying the whole weekend and are actually still here for now. I believe that S13 is heading back to his Dad's place and S to her apartment later this afternoon.

It worked better for them and is what my new normal will be. It didn't really adjust my plans much other than Sunday evening. I know that some will say that I'm allowing S to railroad right over my own wishes and plans and there is a certain amount of truth to that. What I'm learning about S and her family though is that plans are subject to the hands of fate. Even a number of S's own plans for the weekend were derailed. It's really just a matter of how we deal with it. I'm not one guy with 2 cats who has full control of the agenda. Like my changes at work, there's a lot of moving parts involved.

BUT it was a good weekend and I feel positive about it. I got a lot of S25's stuff out of random corners and organized. Some that he won't be taking (his baby stuff etc) was carefully packed as per his wishes and put in the back of a closet where it will be out of the way. Other stuff was bagged and organized.

I got the bedroom closets all emptied, found an astounding amount of old and rather tatty sheets etc that are bundled up now to donate to an animal sanctuary where they can be put to good use.

One very good thing with S and S13 being here is that she got a decent Mother's Day out of it. S13 got up first and I asked him if he wanted to do a breakfast in bed for his mother. He did and thought that chocolate chip pancakes would be a good idea so I pulled out my "lonely girl" recipe and walked him through it. Especially considering that it was gluten free flour he did great. He had to stand on a stool to mix and cook being so short but that worked well. As a 13 year old will, he shrugged the accomplishment off as "no big" but - yeah - pretty big. I think that this was his first time cooking something on the stove "by himself" and certainly the first time that he's done something like pancakes. I'm pretty proud of him. His mother was certainly very pleased too. She'd at best hoped for cereal. She said later that she heard the two of us conspiring the night before to get him a blank card for him to fill out for her.

That afternoon her two daughters, son-in-law and grandson showed up. No hugging of babies was allowed. It was pretty obvious that they were settling in for a good visit so around 5:00 I excused myself and made Sunday Supper. I think that the thought that perhaps everyone should eat hadn't crossed anyone's mind except perhaps for D19. I'm glad that my kitchen skills are such that I can just "make stuff" more or less. Meatloaf, steamed vegetables with cheese sauce, mashed potatoes. Ice cream from the plant where S25 works for dessert. I put it together and did all the clean-up on my own. D25 - unsurprisingly - came through multiple times asking if she could help despite having a toddler (he's got a tooth!) to watch. D19 "offered to help" when her mother threw a towel at her but as I've mentioned in the past, I find the quiet "me" time doing the clean-up after a meal to be something I like.

Unfortunately S17 didn't join us but oddly nobody really seemed to mind. Odd family dynamic. He was working and went to bed early at their apartment.

D19 was "joking" while she was here that she hoped to get a key so that she could raid the fridge. I told her "no way - I need to know how much ice cream I have". I'm confident that S will back me up on that as we both know that it's a slippery slope with that one.

So - S got the very nice Mother's Day where she didn't have to do anything other than visit with her kids. It was very appreciated by all. I'm not worried about reciprocity as on my birthday in March S did essentially the same thing for me. It's neither a competition nor something to keep score on.

----

Some further good news - I'm taking some of 20S' stuff up to her on Wednesday and sent a video of the other stuff and she's going to identify what goes to the dump of what is visible. When cleaning out closets I found another mattress packing bag and got a lot more stuff moved into the back porch.

Some sadder news. A former colleague of mine from the chemical industry has lost her job. The market share in her area has gone down because of some poor choices by her employer and she's out. Not a good time for that to happen especially in an industry where personal connections are so important. She called me to chat and then had to go - I think she's getting a "lot" of calls and perhaps won't be on the beach for long.


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I think I'm getting better with the unplanned. Something of an achievement for me as anyone who knows me will understand.


Good job!
(Tell me, was it Tiger Tail ice cream??)

You should, however, accept offers by the kids to help with the dishes. Yeah I know, you like that solitary time, but on a day like this, letting them help you may also help you get to know them better - and prevent them from taking you TOO much for granted.

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Originally Posted by kml
(Tell me, was it Tiger Tail ice cream??)

You should, however, accept offers by the kids to help with the dishes. Yeah I know, you like that solitary time, but on a day like this, letting them help you may also help you get to know them better - and prevent them from taking you TOO much for granted.
Peanut Butter Crunch frozen yogurt and French Vanilla ice cream. Personally I'm not a fan of the mixed types of flavours but on the other hand I eat very few sweets including ice cream. Cookies are my downfall though.

Point taken on the dishes. I was joking with S's D25 that I am still working on having others in "my" kitchen. To that point though, S made dinner tonight and it didn't bother me at all beyond the fact that she doesn't work quite as tidy as I do which I accept. She even helped with the dishes. I think in some ways it bothers her more than me that I do so much in the kitchen as she's used to a more traditional role being a SAHM. She's taking S13 to his Dad's place tomorrow morning and then back here on Wednesday night as she has an appointment for her van at the garage around the corner run by one of my cousins. Probably at her apartment Thursday / Friday in preparation for the big move on the weekend. Fingers crossed for good weather. I'll be checking in with DnJ on Thursday to see what he's sending me.


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Accomplishments today!

I got a lot of 20S's stuff, especially the bigger pieces of furniture delivered to her at her grandma's place where she's staying. And it was in part her idea. She didn't seem annoyed at the fact that I brought more than she asked for. She made me a burger for dinner. Overall she seems to be doing fairly well all things considered. She is "very" upset at my ex still though for blocking her on social media. She's been friendly and has visited her (with S25) a few times and has also just chatted on the phone. She doesn't know what she's "done" to cause her to be blocked and it bothers her. She went on quite the rant about it and has been complaining it seems to my ex-wife's besties about it too.

20S' big queen mattress that S13 has been using will go to her Mom's hopefully sometime next week which will be good too.

---

The general store across the street is at least partially re-opened as of today. I didn't go over as I didn't need anything. It's good that this important community resource is back up and running and that the many people that are employed there are getting back to work. Hopefully all stay safe.

The same people own the store where my ex works one village over which I presume is open. This explains why I was rather startled when stopped on the side of the road late this afternoon double-checking the security of the load of 20S stuff I had to see my ex come zooming up the road in her easily identifiable car. Since I was standing beside the trailer on a lonely country road she couldn't have helped but see me. She didn't even wave and I was so startled I didn't think to crazy The nerve laugh

----

I stopped off a S's apartment on the way home - large bag of bunny poop to put into my compost heap. She's slowly packing, is dealing with her landlady who is being a bit of a pain. I fully expect that this weekend's move will "work" but that it's going to be a slow haul of one load after another for the next month. On the other hand I could well be wrong.

Her wee dog is staying here (makes sense) and was a Very Good Girl when I was away for so long. She got to sleep in the big bed with me last night (spoiled dog) as did Amy. When I got home she was very excited and ran and ran and ran in big circles in the back yard. She and Amy are getting along fine. The other cat Liz is more than a bit of a bully and the dog is learning that bullies aren't tolerated here.


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Originally Posted by AndrewP


The same people own the store where my ex works one village over which I presume is open. This explains why I was rather startled when stopped on the side of the road late this afternoon double-checking the security of the load of 20S stuff I had to see my ex come zooming up the road in her easily identifiable car. Since I was standing beside the trailer on a lonely country road she couldn't have helped but see me. She didn't even wave and I was so startled I didn't think to crazy The nerve laugh

----



I wouldn't take it personally - she was probably just as startled as you.


M 20+ T25+
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Andrew your post re: chicken marsala ... I just found this. thought of S :

Gluten Free Pumpkin Cheesecake

Mix 3 x 8 oz cream cheese (softened at room temp) with
1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 cup dark brown sugar
2 tsp pumpkin pie spice
2 tbsp all-purpose gluten free flour
Beat until smooth low to medium with electric mixer
Add 1/2 cup sour cream, mix
Add three large eggs ( mixing one at a time) and 1 tsp vanilla extract
Add 15 oz plain pumpkin purée

Crust:
7 oz package gluten free ginger snaps, crushed
1/3 cup walnuts, ground up (optional)
1/2 stick butter (4 tbsp) melted
Mix ingredients and pat into bottom of buttered 9 inch springform pan (make sure you grease the pan and cover the outside bottom and bottom edges with foil in case of leakage)

Pour filling into pan on top of crust
Place on a baking sheet in 325 degree oven
(You can place a flat roasting pan with 1-1/2 inches water on the shelf below or place it in a water bath - I had good luck with just putting the roaster on the shelf below. You can also do without but the cheesecake is more likely to crack).

Bake at 325 in preheated oven for 70-80 minutes, until mostly set. Turn off oven and open oven door slightly, and leave in oven for 45 minutes. Then let cool on counter and refrigerate, covered, overnight or at least 4 hours. Decorate with walnut halves or candies walnuts if desired and serve with whipped cream.


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Yes! That’s the GF cheesecake recipe I posted last winter. SOOO yummy!

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cool, now I know who to give credit to !! tyty


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I thought it looked familiar. I will have to give it a try some time. S used to do allergen free baking for the local farmers market so has quite a few recipes already. But it would be nice to surprise her with this.

As a laugh - one of the news articles that just crossed my field of vision is of our Premier (like a governor for US folks) is going to have a press conference today to release his cherry cheesecake recipe. Even though I didn't care for him when he took office - didn't think much of him personally and disagreed with many policies - I am impressed on how our public officials have stepped up during this time, been a calm voice in the storm and - largely - set politics aside in the interests of public service.

Last day before move-in date. I have some final preparations to make here, disassembling and removing the dining room table, a desk that is surplus and the kitchen stove to the garage. I have an offer on the stove but since I assured the potential buyer that it probably wouldn't fit into the back of his Civic he's going to come next week to look at it. I have a back-up offer or 2 on the stove. The desk and table will hopefully be picked up from the side of the road where I'll set them when we have a couple of consecutive nice days.

S is here right now as she stayed after her van repair appointment with one of my cousins. It turned out that she needed a new wheel bearing and not brakes so ouch goes the bank account. We've still not completely figured out the merged finances. I talked to my lawyer yesterday and he's not doing anything like pre-nups etc right now as he will only do them with in-person meetings so that he can assure himself that there is no undue influence. Annoying but one of the realities of the world right now.

S has rented a U-Haul for the move. A bit bigger than what she needs, but it was the size of truck they had available and it's better to be too big than too small. I am under strict instructions to not be part of the loading or much of the unloading and going up and down stairs with heavy loads. S's S17, her daughter's boyfriend and the two girls are going to be doing the lifting and carrying. She's treating this as "no big" and not complicated at all and since given her history she's moved numerous times and occasionally on short notice, I'm trusting her on that. We still have another 6 weeks to get her apartment emptied.

The interregnum between S25 moving out and S moving in certainly wasn't the quiet bachelor time that I was planning on. But that's fine. I've been so busy with work and other things that I've not been able to get some of the stuff around the house done that I'd been planning on doing before the move - but it will all sort out I'm sure.

The current plan is to load in the big stuff on Saturday and then using a combination of my utility trailer and the van to shift stuff over the next few weeks as needed. We'll stage the boxes etc upstairs and down and then know that it will take several passes to right-size and consolidate. Hopefully the donation centres will be open and we can have some yard sales to get rid of the excess.

I've not heard from S25 since mid-last week. I'm presuming he's doing well. Not sure if he'll be by on Sunday for dinner. Not sure what I'll be making either. Sunday is supposed to be rainy and is planned as a rest day after moving the heavy stuff Saturday.

My cardiologist cancelled my appointment for a stress test and will rebook at some point. The voice-mail they left asked if I was having any symptoms so I talked to their voice-mail and let them know that generally I am ok but know that I'm not 100%. Some fluid accumulates in my legs through the day so poorer circulation than I had previously. Since this was booked after my angina issues probably 5 months + ago it's probably not a priority for the medical community. S is being very aware as am I though.

S signed us up for a free couples workshop with her IC in 2 weeks on communication skills etc. I can tell sometimes when she takes things I say wrong and visa versa. We certainly have some work to do and I do expect it to be an on-going thing that we watch. I'm confident that my ex and I didn't communicate our wants, needs and opinions as well as we should have. Whether that contributed to the ending of the marriage or not could be debated.

For a "quiet" day, work is crazy as per other thread I posted on. About 30 emails in the last 2 hours starting at 7:30 - about 1/3 of which were marked urgent. And about 60% of which wouldn't have been necessary if I could have just stuck my head around my colleagues doorway to ask / answer the questions. I was pleased yesterday when the company president assured me that he felt that in 6 months or so that I would be fully up to speed in my expanded role. It's been about 2 weeks so far and I'm confident that if he didn't think I was up to it that I wouldn't be doing it. I do have to bite my tongue a few times when he corrects me on things that I already know or gets involved in things that he's told me to handle. Probably tough on his side too to see someone else do the job that he's done on his own for 30 years or so. I've made sure that he (and everyone else) knows how much I appreciate their help as I get up to speed which undoubtedly gives them patience as I make fumble around.

Well - time to make a second pot of tea now that my short break is over and dive back into the pile of messages.


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Move in day today. I think I overdid it a bit yesterday afternoon moving furniture out that is being replaced by what S is bringing. The desk that my son used to use was indeed quite heavy and almost got away from me as I was taking it down the stairs by myself.

I also swapped out a light-switch cover that had been a house-warming present from my ex-wife's best friend of the time and put it with the stuff for S25 to take out. He's been decent about taking sentimental stuff of his mother's that happens to still be here even when he is pretty sure that he doesn't want it.

It does still baffle me on how she seemingly closed down her past life. I have no idea if any of this stuff actually makes it to her. I do know that the paper towel holder that was hand-made by her mother and a Christmas gift in the early 90s sat in S25's room for years. Other than one book case I can't think of anything else now that I would be needing to worry about tossing as something that had sentimental value to her. And she was absolutely a sentimental person.

CL when she stayed over remarked that the vibe she got from the decorating was that my ex was very much a romantic person and I would tend to agree. It worked well for us as I am too. We held hands whenever we walked anywhere until I found out about her affair and she physically distanced herself from me. Always lots of ILU and each hello and goodbye required a kiss. The couple of times I've seen her and OM together there certainly wasn't that sort of vibe. But then again, especially in this rural area, it's not very common for men to be physically romantic.

I was reminded of CL when some facebook memories popped up. She was certainly - at least from my point of view in hind-sight - in hot pursuit for quite a while. I can't help but wonder "what if" - but that ship has sailed and it was best for me at least that it never docked. We've remained friends though which is good.

I was thinking the other day that one of the key things that I have learned in the last few years and the experiences that I've had is that it's Ok to let someone go. It doesn't mean that they or you are a bad person, just that you are going in different directions. I used to joke that "the three magic words that - ahem - saved my marriage - where 'Have Fun Dear'". Certainly a bit of a parallel. But just because someone is attracted / attractive in the moment doesn't mean that they are there to ride alongside you for all time.

S is also a romantic and has a layer of silly on top of it which is fun. When she backs her van out of the drive we wave frantically at each other and yell "I love you" loudly at each other. No clue what the neighbours think. I like it.

I've noticed that one of the owners of the shop across the street has aged a "lot" in recent times". She is older - perhaps early 70s - but had been a "sturdy" woman. Now she seems just frail. Her husband (the other owner) stopped in front of my house yesterday to give her a level spot to get out of the van and it took her a long time to climb down. It's amazing how quickly someone's health can take a turn. Certainly a reminder to not take anything for granted and to enjoy each day to the fullest.

S's - or more accurately now - "our" little dog has been staying here so it was just me with the three critters last night. All three girls seem to be coming to a sort of truce as time goes by. Liz is still a bully but she's starting to care less. I spoiled them by leaving the bedroom door open and they wandered in and out peaceably. The dog and I sat out in the back yard in the evening after I moved the furniture while I had a beer and we listened in the twilight to the frogs singing in the creek behind the house. She thought they were barking at her I think and barked back for a while and then sat up on the bench next to me just chillin. It was good. It will be better when there's the three of us out there. Certainly a lot different than living in an apartment in the centre of town where barking isn't allowed. We are still working on some basic obedience. As a Malti-Poo she's whip smart but also stubborn and a bit choosy on what commands she'll listen to. All I care about are the safety ones - come / sit / stay. I won't yell at her but she knows when I'm disappointed with her. I try to reinforce the positive as much as possible letting her know when she does things right and when she behaves.

Just laughed - my paragraph about the dog is longer than the one about my ex-wife I think.

Well - time to wrap up I think. Not sure when S will be by with the first load. She still has some furniture at her STBX's house where D19 lives (not her Dad - it's just - complicated) so that is the priority with the rental truck. She figures that he'll help load. D19's boyfriend is currently MIA. S was told yesterday that "he's gone to his mother's" unexpectedly for an in-determinant amount of time. They had been living together for over a year but things had always been tumultuous. So maybe this is the final break - being isolated together is tough on any relationship.

This was a lot longer than intended but I do have a tendency to ramble on.

It's a gorgeous sunny day here today. A good day to begin a new chapter.


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Good Morning Andrew

It nice to see you are having nice weather. I am as well, so your two day prognosticator says nice weather this weekend in your area. I am enjoying this weekend here, over the last five years this long weekend has been miserable and cold, what a welcomed change.

I do read and follow along with your postings. It’s good to see how smooth things are proceeding. The willingness of both you and S is apparent, not something to be undervalued as I know you realize.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
I talked to my lawyer yesterday and he's not doing anything like pre-nups etc right now as he will only do them with in-person meetings so that he can assure himself that there is no undue influence. Annoying but one of the realities of the world right now.

There are other lawyers.

Just something I thought I’d point out. It rather obvious, and yet overlooked. I’ve found some businesses are closed or providing very limited services. It’s easy to accept that this is the new normal and is everywhere. However, it is not. Lots of places provide services; they just modified how they provide them in this climate of protocols.

If you “want” a prenup, you can get one. You need not use your longtime lawyer, and his timeline of service providing. I know that’s probably not your first choice - a different lawyer.

I have looked beyond some of my normal businesses I utilize due to their decisions to cut staff, close, not provide service, etc. It actually was easy to find other businesses, ones that wanted to service the customer. You know, service; what we are paying for.

As I said, it’s obvious and overlooked. The consumer does drive things; we vote with our wallets with every single transaction.

Hope you have a great move-in day / weekend.

DnJ


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I have looked beyond some of my normal businesses I utilize due to their decisions to cut staff, close, not provide service, etc. It actually was easy to find other businesses, ones that wanted to service the customer. You know, service; what we are paying for.


I'm finding this to be true not only that some businesses are doing this better than others. A stupid example was trying to find a place to get my sons hair cut. His normal place had online check in but it said 2 hour wait and said nothing about a guarantee that he'd get in so I called around. Found a really great place with a super nice girl on the other end of the phone. Their system was simple. They put a clipboard outside and you sign in. If they know they can't get you in that day they take the clipboard down. They won my business that day. smile

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Oh please be careful about the stairs. A friend of my BFF was moving a bookcase by himself on the stairs that he had no business doing. Fell and died.

I was glad in a funny way that my ex pushed to sell the house soon after he moved out. Neither of us could afford to buy the other out and it sold quickly, so we had to split up our belongings early on.

I’m glad I wasn’t left behind in a house full of memories of our marriage. I really don’t have anything in my house that reminds me of him, and I like it that way.

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Funny in hindsight story. Many years ago I got an old refrigerator for $5 that I decided to use as a beer fridge in my cellar. As I was taking it down the stairs, my feet slipped out from under me, the fridge fell on top and we were firmly wedged in the stairwell.

My wife opened the door when she heard the bang and told the kids that since she could still hear the swearing that she figured I was ok wink The main thing that crossed my mind would be how funny the local volunteer fire-fighters would find it and the fact that there was no way to get in to the cellar from outside as the outside door deadbolts from the inside.

I eventually wiggled out from under, got the fridge in place and it worked for me for several years - costing me I think probably close to $10 a month in hydro and gaining me a favourite story.

-----------------

I ended up going to S's apartment to help load. She messaged me saying "you can come over if you want" so I did. Good thing too. Even though S17 is quite small, he's mighty but he couldn't do everything himself. D19 brought her room-mate and they did manage to get the massive dining room table out by themselves. They asked where my S25 was and I truthfully said that it hadn't crossed my mind to ask him. I suppose I'm just so used to having to do everything myself that I don't think to ask for help.

The move highlighted some known differences between S and I. At the house, I'd gotten the stuff out that needed to be out, planned the carry paths from one space to another and staged the areas so that the critters could be sectioned off from where we were carrying. At S's apartment a number of things had actually been put into boxes but little or no prep had been done and stuff was being tossed into boxes and bags. I'm learning though that regardless of the apparent chaos that things tend to work out for her. And without the drama and screaming that my also dis-organized ex-wife would have been creating. It's tough to just trust that things will work out but I'm getting more used to that.

I was able to help by disassembling the massive bed-frame (referenced previously) that S had that S13 will be getting. Something probably beyond the people there because they don't have 56 years history of tinkering. It certainly does need some extra bracing as it was rather poorly assembled and there were some historically broken pieces. I did bring my old 2 wheeled dolly which had a bad tire and S17 and I managed to get S's very heavy stove down the stairs shredding the tire in the process. I popped over the the hardware store and stood in various queues to get a replacement dolly with solid rubber tires. S didn't think we needed it but everyone else did.

She then spent about an hour at her STBX's house without me for obvious reasons and with a certain amount of drama the furniture and stuff there was also moved out and loaded into the truck. From what the girls told me later he was just throwing stuff into the truck almost at random. We ended up with a few extra garbage cans and a bunch of other things that will probably end up in the dump.

With some effort we got the truck unloaded fairly quickly, staging stuff in the driveway and garage to get the truck returned on time. Again - with S - it seems to work out - I just have no clue how. And yes, I carried some heavy stuff but everyone was watching me like a hawk including myself and I took regular breaks. I also made sure to take a good shot of my nitro-lingual spray before. We got the stuff into the house that needed extra arms and some stuff is filling the garage that will need to be gone through.

There's still quite a bit of random stuff at the apartment that will be coming over in the next 6 weeks in the van and perhaps my trailer but the key stuff is now here and S and S13 (who is staying with his Dad for now) are "moved in".

Before anyone gets up too much in arms about "poor STBX" he's currently dating at least one other woman and it is possible that this was the case when he and S were together. He had a constant stream of lies especially about drinking (knowing S's severe alergies) and gambling and was generally absent without reason or accountability. D19 has confirmed that this lifestyle continues.

Being tired - of course that was a time for S and I to be a bit on edge. We talked about it a bit later. We didn't actually snap at each other, but I did tell her later that there were a couple of times when I had to "bit my tongue" which I think worried and surprised her. What it boils down to we think is that we are both used to having to be the sole planner decider and don't look for other input. In S's case this goes back for much of her life as her previous partners were generally not around. XH#2 spent only a few days a month at home, traveling for work (and living a rather high life) while his wife and kids were literally struggling to keep the lights on as he left little money for them to pay the bills. STBX worked nights and "extra shifts" a lot and only interacted with the family a bit on the weekends if he was around. So over-all that goes back over 20 years. And for me, I've had 4 of doing my own thing.

It's going to be work - but anything worth having is.

Busy few days ahead. I have stuff to assemble and put together and repair. I'll be a happy guy. We're going to do up a beef roast for Sunday supper in S's (now our) oven. S was annoyed (see communication comments above) because she felt that she had told me that that particular roast (out of a large box of roasts) was to be set aside for a different dinner and grumbled at me that it was already thawed. I have vague memories of her mentioning how she wanted to cook the different roasts but nothing specific. Again - communication issues and also not being used to having someone else around who makes decisions - for both of us.

I at least and I'm sure the others have a few new bruises and some quiet and relax and at least here, a soak in the tub is also undoubtedly a good idea too.


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Busy weekend.

Had a nice Sunday supper with S25 here. It was a bit surreal in some ways. He rang the doorbell to come in and acted as a guest in what used to be his old house. As appropriate in probably both our minds. I had managed to get the dining room table reassembled about 5 minutes before he got here.

He seems to be doing well and was quite cheerful. He and S get along well and probably visited between them more than he did with me. His apartment is coming together fairly nicely I think although from the sounds of it he's not gotten much if anything from his mother. He raided some of our kitchen supplies for things that he didn't think of and missed. I was talking to S later about how it was awkward that there are taboo subjects during like how his Mother's Day went but it is what it is. And other than the fact that he's happy it's none of my concern.

He also picked up some of his stuff including food that was stuff we had that was "his" and there's a modest pile of random stuff still here, some of which I'll undoubtedly need to store indefinitely. He was vague about whether he'll be back next week for dinner as well and I'm thinking that it may well become a once a month thing with him.

S is settling in as is her little dog. Her cat(s)? will be arriving I would think in a week or two at the earliest. Her S17 is enjoying having the apartment to himself and the two cats and his bunnies. His new living arrangements are sounding like they will happen at the start of June.

S and I are figuring things out including the who does what. She generally seems pleased that I just go ahead and fix things / clean things as I see them. We can now see into the door of the oven she brought which is important to me but not so much to her. One bone of contention will be the dishes as I like doing them and alone. I shooed her out of the kitchen last night so that I could have some "me" time and listen to one of my podcasts while doing the dishes. I think she's planning on taking over this task as I have a tendency to just keep doing what I've always done. Neither of us are used to having someone around to help. She is getting more comfortable cooking here undoubtedly in no small part because her stove is now here.

I'm still stuck working from home but do seem to be getting the hang of my new responsibilities. The guy who is passing this on to me seems to be struggling at times with letting go. He's been very supportive, positive and encouraging but I can tell from time to time that he gets a bit frustrated. Familiar story isn't it laugh

The current plan is to continue to shift things from the apartment to here and S is in charge of that planning. I provide the muscle. We have a bunch of stuff to go through and some of it will undoubtedly end up in the dump. As restrictions ease, traffic flow on the street in front of the house is increasing and so there may be a chance to get rid of some of the stuff on the side of the street. I'm hoping to shift some out perhaps tomorrow morning. The old dining room table and desk at the very least.

I think that this will all work out fine. I do believe that for S especially that things are a lot more "real" after this past weekend. She seems very positive about it all though. S13 is still with his Dad - and for an astoundingly long amount of time considering in the past he's only stayed for a couple of days or so at the most as per the custody agreement and then wanted to come back home. S says he's very positive about moving here and that once all of his video games and such are available that he's more likely to be staying here full time. There's supposed to be an announcement about the rest of the school year today too that may make a difference. If he does go back to class we'll have to drive him in to school (10 minutes) as it's not worth the effort to organize putting him on the bus and that also has risks doing that too.


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Happy Friday!

Well - the black-flies are out. Probably ate all the skeeters. I was thoroughly nibbled on yesterday afternoon while working out in the garden.

It feels like things are finally slowing down and turning into a new normal. Currently on Friday the part of our production that I am sort of kind of responsible for is closed so it's a lot less stressful than other days.

Yesterday I made at least 2 fairly bad (in my mind) mistakes that caused people to have to scramble and had me drop out of a conference call to deal with. I work with some great people though and I think they all appreciated my mea culpa which I extended beyond the mistakes I made to just accept the whole mess. People worked together, patched things up (not quite in the way I intended) and the orders went out on time and accurately. I am very fortunate.

One of the mistakes was pointed out by the company president in what appeared in email to be in a light-hearted teasing way so I took it that way, accepted responsibility, joked back that my brain wasn't working properly and fixed it. I had a phone call with him about something else earlier today and he's in a good mood and positive about my work I think.

Even though I work with industrial chemistry and computers (just did more safety training yesterday) what it really is is relationships. Working hard and taking things seriously is important. This stuff is no joke. But spending some time on the phone listening to one of the operators going on about the decorative grasses in his garden while also finding out how many empty containers we have on site is part of the job.

I'm feeling positive about this. Everyone knows that I'll make more mistakes including me but they are getting less and I rarely make the same one twice. I'm building relationships with customers, co-workers and suppliers. Many of whom I've known for years. My main contact at one of my main customers turns out to now be a good friend of a friend of mine who I've worked with for many years before she changed companies. It is indeed a small world.

----------------------

Things here at home are also settling into a "normal". S13 is still with his dad but his room is more or less ready for him now. I still have plaster repairs to do and the redecorating which will be done by him and his mother is still to be done, but his furniture and more importantly his gaming system are there.

S is finding it pretty weird, not so much because she's in a new house but more because for the first time in a very long time she's going through an extended time with no kids to directly care for. I think she likes it. She's finding places for things and organizing things around. Generally it's all good and I don't anticipate any issues.

S is learning as well I think that I'm very different than her past partners. One big difference I think is that things that are broken bother me. The hutch which she loves and had been at her STBX's house arrived with a broken glass pane which had been broken probably 6 or 7 years ago. It was in the house perhaps 3 days and was fixed. She had been told "that's too expensive to fix". It was $20 for a new piece of glass done through contact-less purchase from a local glass company.

S was joking with her daughter that she's needing to learn how to steer me as if something is "broken" I stop everything I'm doing to fix it. And that's not what she always wants. Some things can wait. She's certainly not wrong.

Her D19 came by yesterday for BBQ hamburgers and a visit - she witnessed S ask me about some colours that she was thinking of painting the kitchen (some sort of light blue that probably has a name) and I shrugged and said that that was probably fine and appeared to be one of the colours that she had shown me before that I thought would look nice. I overheard S saying later to her daughter "I'm going to Marry that guy". Every now and then I get an odd look from S or her kids when I seem to just be being reasonable about things.

I did have a bit of a WTF moment earlier in the day when S mentioned about her daughter coming over asked if it was ok. I gave her a weird look and said that she never needs to get permission from me about anything to do with her kids.

------

A fabulous weather day here. I have to go in to "town" to pick up a prescription (one mask) then am heading down to the plant after 4:00 to pick up something from my office and go through the plant (shift over) to re-familiarize myself with the current state of things (another mask - maybe 2). Good thing that I have 5 fabric ones so I can be confident of always having a fresh one.

S chooses to not wear a mask at present although I do nudge her on that and will wear one when we are out even if she doesn't. She has a scarf that she says she carries "if needed" and she does say that she has needed it and used it. I can't force her and she knows it's important to me even if she doesn't "get it" in the same depth. I think she'll probably start wearing one regularly soon as it gets more normalized. She is one of those people who doesn't like to stand out which I think is a factor for many at least around here who continue to be mask-less.

When I checked my mail yesterday I did feel a bit silly wearing a mask to walk across the street but I think the owners and staff of the shop appreciated it. I was talking to one of the owners and she said that it was very much up in the air if they were actually going to re-open. They could retire any time they choose but her husband loves running the stores so much - it is his life although he also flips houses too. They chose to re-open because of the staff who rely on them which was nice. There are a lot of extra hassles right now with all the changes which they are finding very frustrating. It does give me the feeling that one more thing and they may choose to sell which would most certainly put all the people at both stores including my ex-wife out of work. I would imagine that the low unemployment we enjoyed earlier this year is a thing of the distant past and will probably stay that way for a while.

Well - there's more I could ramble on about but think I'll wrap it up here.

Have a great weekend all and for those in the middle of things, be assured that after the storm comes the sun.


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Really, I would be straightforward with S - “I’m in a high risk category and I expect you to wear a mask to keep ME safe”.

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I sometimes wonder if S is reading along here (waves). She had some errands to run yesterday and made a point of taking a mask from the stack of washable fabric masks beside the door. She complained about wearing it later and commented that she knew that it was important to me which is true. She did say that the proper mask was easier to breathe with than her scarf at least. Her biggest complaint was having to wait outside in the hot sunshine. She has very thin hair and as a redhead burns easily and forgot to take a hat.

------------

Well - paint me purple and call me Susan! I believe that I now know where my ex-wife lives. A couple of blocks from S's old apartment on a street that is the shortcut to there and that I've driven down probably 100 times and yesterday evening, there was her distinctive car parked on the street side from OM's truck in the same driveway.

S was packing up a few more things and S18 and I got fish and chips (S had a gluten free pizza) so I drove past it a couple of times over the space of an hour so very likely not visiting.

Odd that I'd not seen her car there before but perhaps she had been parking in the small garage as is her usual preference in the winter.

Ah well. Certainly not what I expected. I'd presumed that with the money she got in the settlement plus what I send her plus OM's money that she'd have a fancy newly built house. I'm not surprised that it's close to a convenience store. That woman did love her snackin'. But a postage stamp sized house on a tiny lot on a busy street isn't at all what I expected. On the other hand, this is exactly the sort of house that she could easily afford on her own. Doing the math, the total money she will get from me will be roughly what the purchase price was (I looked online).

I could list out quite a few things about this house that would have been on her absolutely "no" list and it must feel like quite the step down from this rather large house on a big and fairly private lot.

Makes me think. After OM retired from his business they sold a bunch of his furniture and he moved into her apartment over the liquor store. I had always presumed that she would have moved into his house but rationalized that they didn't because it's an hour away from her job. They don't go on the fancy vacations that my ex loves going on other than the one SHE paid for out of OUR joint savings account. They are now living in a house that we could reasonably presume that she owns herself and covers the costs on. Methinks that OM wasn't perhaps the "catch" that I had presumed he was.

Not my problem. And really from all the stories I've read over the years, not too much of a surprise if he's being supported by her. And because she is actually a rather smart and perhaps paranoid woman, it wouldn't be a surprise if she's keeping all "her" assets etc close to her chest and living more modestly than she might.

--------

Gorgeous hot day here today. I hope to get my storm windows down. Shopping is still limited to 1 person per family so I'm going to head out shortly for the groceries. The flower shop has re-opened so fresh roses for the first time in a long time. Practicing all reasonable safety precautions. We are re-opening faster than I personally am comfortable with and I do hope that everyone else is staying safe and working to keep others safe. Because I use so little cash now going to the bank isn't part of my usual errands. S and I have talked and are working through the whole "who does groceries and laundry" thing. Generally it seems that it's "whoever is available".

I have some gardening to do. We have some fresh plants and a cousin of mine gave me a rhubarb patch that she didn't want any more that I need to plant.

S18 is coming by this afternoon and S will BBQ up some porterhouse steaks that were on the top of the pile of steaks from the 1/4 cow we got earlier in the spring. Should be a busy and productive day.

I went to the plant after hours yesterday and was surprised at the amount of traffic on the roads heading up to my area which is a vacation destination for many. I have a list of questions for my boss about what I saw - much of which makes a lot more sense to me now than what it did back in March, prior to my role changing.

Stay safe all and stay strong.


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Methinks that OM wasn't perhaps the "catch" that I had presumed he was.


Now see? Everybody always thinks the WAS is living the life of Riley when, more often than not, it’s not everything you imagine.

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The more I think about it, the more the past few years - the limited amount I know about my ex's life - the more things now make sense.

The anger, well actually rage that I had seen. The distancing from the rest of the world. She was certainly a material girl although especially in the latter years of our marriage she prided herself on her frugality. Well - it's her bed and she made it.

I don't feel sorry for her at all. Nor am I (much) thinking that she has a well-deserved comeuppance. As is counseled here, working on my being the "sane parent" and only focusing on my side of the street is the course to follow.

----------

I'm getting more accustomed to the cadence of my "new job". The night before, go through the production for the prior day, make some guestimates of what will be done the next day and what can make the truck. Get up early the next morning, get the revised customer requirements, figure out what instructions to send, find out that I was mistaken on at least one or two items, write some emails to sort that out, realize that emails are a waste of time and make a couple of phone calls, get the load planned and then breathe in, breathe out and it's the time of day that most people are starting.

I'm learning a lot and the people I work with are fabulous especially the plant people who are patient in explaining things to me and the company president who has been doing this job since forever. They also have a good sense of humour. The president questioned one of the decisions I made (a common occurrence), I called him, explained my reasoning and said that I was suffering shoulder strain from patting myself on the back. He laughed, gave some more details about that particular piece of business and the production process which I wasn't fully aware of and then we did it his way.

-----------------

S13 came "home" last night for the first time since his room has been set up. He seems pleased with it and in good spirits. I didn't interact with him much as they got here in the early evening and I was tired from yard work and went to have a soak in the tub. He played video games while I read. I need to install an air conditioner in that room which S was seemingly surprised that it was going to be a fair bit of work building a new frame for the window rather than just popping it in. I'd mentioned it in the past but the connection perhaps didn't get made. She still has to pick up the AC from the storage unit she shares so until then, the kid will sweat under a fan just like my daughter did in that same room for 17 years. It doesn't seem to bother him.

S and I are navigating our relationship. Communication and expectations are something we both know we have to work on, perhaps me more than her. We have booked for the next 3 evenings sessions with her IC who is doing a free couples workshop. It's mainly intended I think for established couples who are working through problems than for ones starting out, but it's sure to help.

-------------

S25 stopped by yesterday afternoon and I walked him through swapping out his winter tires. This is the first time he's changed a tire and it went well and I think he's rather proud of himself. He appreciated tips like keeping the hubcaps handy to put the nuts in etc which he wouldn't have thought of on his own. I am sure that in the fall that he'll just come and do it without assistance and if he encounters someone on the road with a flat tire, he will be able to help. He's storing his tires here - cuz people store stuff here it seems wink and apologized for the recent radio silence. It does sound like he's settling in well to his new apartment. He found the laundromat and I suggested that anyone that he meets there isn't a good option as after-all, he'd want a girlfriend who can afford her own washing machine laugh The only person he did meet there was in her mid 40s and was doing 7 loads, so perhaps not a good dating prospect anyway.

I'm very pleased with how well he seems to be doing. He is a very capable young man and I'm glad that he was able to launch smoothly.

Well - back to my emails. Have a great day all.


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Happy Thursday!

Not a lot to report here. I think that the hot weather we've had will finally break. Even though I hate having air conditioning because of the cost, the fact that in this drafty old house it doesn't work well and the environmental footprint I did install the one that S25 left behind a couple of days ago. I need to do some carpentry to install one of the ones that S had in S13's room. She picked them up from storage yesterday. I pushed back on doing that for my reasons above and also because it's not just a "pop it in" scenario. I have to remove a window, rebuild the sash and then heave it back in place at rather a height. S had no concept of what is involved I think. She keeps on mentioning "oh - we'll just take it out when we're not using it" which may have worked well in her apartment but not here. Perhaps once the work is done then she'll be more clear.

Having air conditioning in at least part of the house is something that she was very clear on as a requirement quite some time ago as she just can't stand the heat which she puts down to being a red-head. I don't know enough to judge, just that we evolved to not have air conditioning and that we can adapt. This is where we can disagree but because it's so important to one of us, we go that way. I don't feel too strongly about most things so I expect that going the other way on other things may not be quite so common.

S and I have had 2 online group sessions with her IC and a group of other singles and couples. It's gone decently. It's an odd group as it was intended for established couples to work on their communication and "re-ignite the spark". Most of the people in the group are single and a surprising (to me) large number are also therapists. There are two other "couples", one who is also just starting out and one where only the wife (a marriage therapist) is attending. Her H had an emotional affair and refuses to work on anything in the relationship, has lost his job and become a SAHD.

The therapists seem to be the most messed up of the group wink The singles are almost all women and they are all actively wanting a man in their lives and say that they came from abusive relationships. Their goal is to become a couple with "someone". From what I learned here, being comfortable with yourself is the first step and then you decide if being a couple is what you want. I did make a comment that I felt secure and complete in myself and wasn't looking to change myself just to be a good partner for S and the facilitator was pleased about that suggesting that was exactly the right path.

This is the IC that S has been seeing for several years and has a good relationship with. There is a final session tonight.

One of the challenges I have is that there is a presumption that everyone has come from a dysfunctional / traumatic relationship. While the ending was traumatic for me, and perhaps in hindsight the relationship wasn't great, I felt and still feel that I had a decent marriage. So when we are asked to identify for example what is needed in an "ideal" relationship, most people came up with a long laundry list of what they "don't" want - turned to be the positive version. So for S for example since she felt that she didn't have a voice in past relationships, she looks for "equality".

All I had down was "respect".

There was also a section where you were supposed to dream about an ideal future and what it looks like and who you want to become. Again, something I struggle with. I like me. I like S. I like my life. I'm good. I do know that S and I have things to work through to become a couple and that's the reason I'm there.

There's a quote by my favourite author that I firmly believe in and that S has trouble with
Originally Posted by Terry Pratchett
If you trust in yourself. . .and believe in your dreams. . .and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.
She believes in dreams and in trusting herself and while historically it hasn't worked well for her, it is her guiding principle and she has managed to get by.

S had a fairly extensive laundry list of what she was looking for in the section labeled "what do I need to keep my dream with you" - again a lot of things that she didn't have before that I consider a base case. On mine, I just had respect and positivity.

I'm thinking of not going on with the further group sessions. The more messed up people - especially the therapists who like to dig deep into themselves get us away I think from what I hope to work on. I will suggest that we book some one on one sessions though perhaps out a month or so after we get the move behind us and more settled.

-------

I had a talk yesterday with a neighbour who is also an LBS and who struggled an awful lot. He and his GF have lived behind me for about 3 years now. His ex (mid 40s) ran off with a man in his mid 60s and it wasn't good at all. Restraining orders and drama and all that. He seems like a decent guy and offered before I asked that the kids and dogs can run around on his part of the back yard that extends behind my lot. I expect that in return that he'll be raiding my rhubarb patch next year.

Am I perhaps the exception as someone who looks back on their marriage as being a decent life with a fairly decent person? Knowing what I know now I have absolutely no interest in going back but is it so rare to have just let it all go and move on?

I don't think so but perhaps the ones who are still wrapped up in their past are the ones who are more vocal.

Anyway - time to press Post and get on with my day.


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Having air conditioning in at least part of the house is something that she was very clear on as a requirement quite some time ago as she just can't stand the heat which she puts down to being a red-head.


I grew up without AC (not even in my car until the last 15 years or so!) in my (admittedly mild) climate. It never bothered me UNTIL my 40's when my thyroid went haywire and I was an untreated gluten-intolerant. Then I could barely get off the couch on hot summer days. Now I know it was about my adrenal function - heat intolerance can be a sign of low adrenal function.

Now that my issues have been tended to my heat tolerance is better (although still not what it was when I was young). I did break down and buy a portable AC unit for the family room a couple of years ago for my mother's sake. I was glad to have it because with climate change we have started to have more 100 degree days in the summer.

My message I guess is that although I share your concerns about AC and the environment, and even your Spartan "tough it out" attitude, don't assume other people have the same physical capacity to tough it out.

AS for the therapists being the ones with the most problems. - people do tend to go into fields where they have more experience!

And as for the marriage memories - even though in retrospect I can see my ex's narcissism, (which has become a problem in his relationship with the kids since the divorce), I still feel like I got many good years out of my marriage. Maybe it was the rose-colored glasses, and I certainly compensated for my ex in a lot of ways, but there were many good years, or at least years that felt good to me because I didn't actually know what was going on inside my ex's head lol.

I would never take him back and I feel like I got more good years than most, so I don't dwell on the bad - just let go and move on.

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As a funny-to-me story, I used to drive a Jeep TJ back and forth from Toronto every day. Loads of fun to drive - I miss it but not the cost of filling that big tank nor the cost of repairs.

My wife made it very very clear to me one day after I got home with the roof off, doors off, shirt, tie, shoes and socks off and pants rolled up that my next vehicle was absolutely going to have air conditioning laugh

S and I have agreed to have a talk about when to have the AC on or off. Her apartment would often get up into the 30s in the winter as the heating system there was poorly set up but if we have to spend a few bucks to ensure she stays healthy then that's what we'll do.

I suspect that in part that she's not used to talking things out with a partner. She's mostly used to just being the Mom and making all the decisions on her own I think. And she's also used to a very different household dynamic. As a single Mom who is used to having 5 kids each of whom had in some ways their own issues she is accustomed to a certain level of chaos that was reflected in her environment. She's used to ending arguments with a "because I said so". On the other hand, in her past relationships she ONLY had authority about the kids (and not always that) and everything else was dictated to her. And she resented that but lived with that and the routine criticism of what she did as part of her "normal"

On my side, I'm used to my routine, having things "just so". I've made it clear that the only things I truly care about are having the bed made and the counter clean at least once a day and that I take responsibility for making that happen if it's not that way already. I'm also used to not having to consult with anyone about anything I do. I am more used to working as a team with a partner though and my ex and I generally agreed on priorities and when we didn't we would work it out and the other would accept the outcome.

S and I are both having to adapt to a very different life, especially I think for S where she now has a partner who is present and only 1 kid who really isn't very high maintenance at all. It's going to take work.


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What day is it?

I've been sure for the last couple of days that it's the first of June. Not yet. Drat. The weather has turned cold again after a few days of heavy heat.

Seems like less and less to talk about. As I've mentioned before all of S's kids have some sort of challenge and S13 is no exception. One of the challenges with him is getting the kid to eat. At 13 he's barely 50lbs and quite short. Common enough in her genetics and he's generally healthy and active. Like his older brothers I fully expect that one day a switch will turn and he won't be able to be filled up. In the mean time he's very picky. The other night at dinner he had a minor melt-down and refused to eat. S dealt with it calmly. No screens until he eats. He stomps off. I kept my mouth shut and we resumed our dinner. After I finish I hear them both in the kitchen laughing and joking and yes, he's eating. No drama, no threats, no bargaining. Just S standing firm, being the Mom. I told her late how impressed I was. My ex-wife would be screaming, kids would be crying and a lot of resentment (which m D27 still has) would be created and much less accomplished.

One of the things I'm working on with S is her regular use of the phrase "If that's ok" when making comments or suggestions. I give her a big raspberry and say "what do you think?" suggesting that as alternate phrasing. I suppose we all have those verbal and non-verbal things that perhaps minimize our own wants and needs. She takes it in good humour and I think appreciates that I am making an effort even in the words we use with each other to be equal partners.

We ran through the June budget together yesterday. I think it was a big milestone for us. We each have our own separate way of managing our money that we are fond of. I use a piece of software called YNAB to help me and manage it in many ways like an old-school cheque register. S has a notebook where she does out her budget taking her income from child-support, baby bonus etc and then subtracting off her fixed expenses leaving the rest for groceries and other variable expenses. We're going to keep some of the finances separate for now and S will manage her current fixed expenses and we'll review over time what gets rolled in to "family" like insurance etc. Most expenses related to S17 (soon to be 18) as he launches into his somewhat independent life will come from "her" side. I do think that we are at least in theory in agreement to how to manage the budget. I'm putting in to place some of the things that were common during my earlier marriage where each person gets some - as calls it - "walking around money". I asked and S had no opinion on how much to allocate for S13 for that. I'm leaving that completely up to her but have put it on the table as a suggestion. The key thing is that we need to be adaptable and that any significant expenses need to either be put into the budget at the start of the month or discussed before being made if they pop up mid-month. No spending of significant money without discussion. Things like groceries etc don't need discussion.

S's D25 is getting married! In a couple of weeks as per original plans. Only the mothers will be attending in person and so S is needing to shop for a new dress. There will be a larger celebration later. We wrote the cost of a gift and dress into the budget.

S is figuring that she'll lose the government "baby bonus" supplement starting in July when she advises that she's moved in with me. I make too much money for her to claim it. Her STBX made a lot less so that didn't have an impact and she also had 4 kids under 18 then as opposed to just 1 now. I've pushed her to check to see whether we can keep that income stream and not include my income until we are actually married but she disagrees.

The counseling sessions went well and I feel positive about them. The therapist is offering continuing sessions for about $550/month for 3 months. Tempting although money is tight and I checked with my benefits provider and this therapist isn't covered as she's not a licensed psychologist. We have to talk.

In other news I reached out to S25 letting him know what the menu is for Sunday Supper. He's passing saying he has other plans which is fine. Perhaps he's going to start seeing his mother more often, or he's just enjoying the independent bachelor life. Or maybe he's got a girlfriend? I really doubt that by a potential grandpa can dream after all wink

Now that I know where my ex lives, I glance at her place when I drive by. It's right on the busy street I have taken in "to town" for over 30 years and I'm not about to change my route. I did catch a glimpse of OM briefly yesterday. Didn't see him clearly as he was wearing a hoodie but at least in my perception he was looking hunched over. I don't know his age but he's got to be late 60s I would think. Perhaps living with my ex makes him feel "beaten down".

Well - enough for now. I have a fairly big list in front of me.

A bien tot mes amis.


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What’s a government. “ baby bonus”?

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
What’s a government. “ baby bonus”?

It started as a government program to encourage people to have kids after WWII

It's an income supplement that comes as a monthly cheque based on your income and number of kids. S gets over $1000 / month with two kids under 18. That will be cut anyway on S17's birthday. When she was a single mom with 5 kids it was pretty significant but then again the cost of raising 5 kids is pretty high. It certainly doesn't pay you enough to stay home and start popping out kids but it does help reduce child poverty which is what the program has morphed into.

I think when I was married we got about $20/month for our 2 kids.


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Perhaps living with my ex makes him feel "beaten down".


Lolol!

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The cadence of posting is slowing down again which is undoubtedly a good thing.

Stuff is happening, but it's just every-day life. I'm getting used to having an "insta-family" and someone next to me when I wake up in the morning that doesn't go "meow".

S over-did things at her apartment packing and has hurt her back again. She's resting and doing some exercises to help but has been essentially out of commission for the last couple of days. I picked up the load and on Monday did the cooking and helped last night (tacos!)

She's trying to get her kids to help more with packing up the apartment but reasons / excuses abound. She's hoping to make some substantial progress this weekend when the excuses become less. I suggested to her that while ideally it's done in a thoughtful manner that if push comes to shove we can just load stuff up on the trailer and put it in the garage and sort out over time.

She has some repairs to some carpet she wants to do and has asked me to swap back some light fixtures that she changed which will be done towards the end of the month. A thorough clean including carpet shampooing (I'm going to push for us to rent one of the "big" units) is also planned as several years of multiple pets - some of whom had a laissez faire attitude about using the appropriate recepticals - requires it.

I'm sure that S appreciates having the support of someone who will look after her and make sure that stuff gets done when she can't.

S13 is settling in fairly well too I think. He spends a lot of time in front of screens. I'd like him to be outside and rambling around but that's not really his thing. Being unable to get together with his friends or make new friends in the village because we're on lockdown still is a bummer but doesn't seem to bother him a lot. He has a "bestie" in his old home town (10 minutes away) that he would hang out with and ramble around town with for hours and hours that he can't currently visit. He has helped a bit in the garden and S and I have talked about getting him a regular chore rota and to start giving him an allowance - something he's never had before. He's a generally cheerful kid and while at 13 he does have the oddest comments on things and complains about being told what to do and what to eat, he's a decent kid and I think likes being here. I think that he likes the fact that for most things if he wants to help, I encourage it. This morning he cooked himself pea-meal back bacon "by himself" for the very first time. He asked a lot of questions, laughed when there was extra splatter when he was clumsy flipping it (we both laughed - the dog was thrilled) and I think was pretty proud of doing it "himself".

The plan for S17 (S18 in a month) to move in with his buddy is coming together and I'm not involved at all. The giant rabbit hutch is still in our enclosed front porch. Right now the rabbits live in a more open fenced environment in his room which is difficult to keep clean. I occasionally have my doubts about this, but S is confident and these are her kids.

The dog is quite happy here. She and the cats are now more or less getting along. The less dominant cat (Liz) still grumbles and growls from time to time but they largely ignore each other. The dominant cat (Amy) and the dog tolerate each other just fine. I did have a problem with the dog not coming when called but have been working on positive reinforcement (praise and treats) and now she's pretty clear on the concept - especially the treat part. She is a very smart little dog (MaltiPoo) and so I'm glad that this was relatively easy.

A big change for the dog is that in the apartment they were always working to keep her from barking including having one of those sound broadcasters. Here, she can bark. The neighbour dogs bark back or they start and she responds. If she does it too much, she's gently asked to stop which she usually will - with a couple of the barks that are "stuck" coming out. She's not a "barky" dog, but dogs do bark. She also loves racing around the back garden, chasing birds and squirrels none of whom hang around to play. We have quite a number of rabbits here now too who are perhaps bigger than the dog is but she doesn't seem to have any interest in playing with them. She didn't have a yard at the apartment so this is pretty nice for her. We don't have fences here but she's learning where the limits of her rambling are and doesn't get let out unsupervised.

S is learning how to "steer" me which is an on-going joke between us. The other night I spent about 1/2 hour laying flat on the floor getting a drawer in a cabinet to go in straight. I couldn't find anything "wrong" with it other than the drawer not closing properly so it took a while before I added a shim to one of the slides. S said that the cabinet (which had been at her STBX's place as too big to put in her apartment) had had the crooked drawer for some years although she was confident that it wasn't crooked when she first got it. It also had a broken glass door that I also repaired that she had been told was too expensive and complicated to fix so had been left broken for years. It cost me $18.

I know that fixing the hutch wasn't a top priority for her but she is patient with the fact that I will make repairs a higher priority than doing new things.

---------

Work is going decently as I evolve into my new role. The people I work with are great although the person I report to for this role is quite a micro-manager and has difficulty in letting go of doing this himself which he's done for 30 years. I take his regular "corrections and suggestions" with good humour I hope and joke back to him things like "how did your head not explode tracking all of this". I respect him as a person and his experience. The constant micro-managing is a thing and as I prove myself it becomes less on each task that I seem to master. I was told this morning that he's going to expand my role again fairly soon taking on planning for the entire plant. Both with him and the staff in the plant, I try hard to be appreciative when they give me information / correct me when I'm wrong and make a positive comment on how I'm glad that "they" know what's going on.

I'm learning the rhythm of the job which involves me getting up and having the draft plan ready for 7:00. At 7:30 I check for new orders and adjust and send it out. Then a flurry of micro-manager emails, confirmations, questions from customers and often a phone call from the plant. It tails off around 9:30 or so and I can then make my second pot of tea. Getting out of my PJs happens sometime later.

One thing that has changed especially after S has moved in is that I've more or less stopped drinking beer. Facing the barrage of emails with a hang-over makes for a very difficult day. I did it once and decided that that was a truly bad idea. I'm glad that things have played out as they have. I made my own decision, for my own reasons to cut something out of my life that wasn't good for me. After a rough day I still can "really use a beer" but I have a big glass of non-alcoholic cider or a can of ginger ale and that does the trick. Once we get out of lock-down I'll certainly go out for a beer with friends - the drinking friends - my Muslim friend and I usually have tea but it's unlikely that I'll keep it in the house.

When I feel the urge, I think about the effects. No power tools after beer is a long-standing rule. Not being able to drive (as if I have anywhere to go wink ) is something I don't worry about. Being a good example for S13 is also part of it.

----

Our state of emergency here in Ontario has now been extended until the end of June. Blargh. Well - we'll save some money. S's D25 is going ahead with her wedding and S and I wrote into the budget for a new dress for S. Only the mothers will be attending in person. She's not sure where she can actually find a shop for a dress. She has a "lot" of clothes but says nothing "right" for this wedding. I certainly support the choice for a new dress. It's her first child getting married. The celebration is tentatively planned for next year. Not sure what this does for our own wedding plans - there's so much going on right now it's too far off the radar. I believe that S's divorce paperwork is going to be submitted later this week. She has the settlement on what she has to pay back to her STBX all figured out finally and was able to get a loan for that. She was already paying out the same as what the loan payment is so it's not something I need to worry about and with moving out of the apartment will be cash ahead. We've talked and in the pre-nup that loan will be set on her side of the fence as a pre-existing debt.

Well - enough for now.

Until later.


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Sounds like domestic bliss heaven at maison d’Andrew. Woo hoo!


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Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
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Andrew,

I am glad everything is slowly working out okay. You will be a great mentor to s13. He needs someone who will be patient, explain things and yes, even listen.

As for S, sorry her back is out of whack again. Hopefully she will be feeling better soon.


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Happy Sunday!

Enjoying my first pot of tea in a quiet house. After a few months I've finally made some time to clean off my desk so have been scanning and shredding.

S's back is still giving her a lot of grief but it seems that her chiropractor is opening soon. A lot of stuff has made it in to the house and is piled here and there. As I bring it in, I try to have some semblance of order. S assures me that everything will be organized and put away before too long but personally I expect that it will take the better part of a year. My ex-wife instilled in me a deep rooted fear of touching "her stuff" which in this case is probably a fairly good idea.

We had a "trigger" moment over this past week as S has run out of clean socks so I volunteered to do her laundry for her. She wasn't keen on the idea and pointed out that once, years ago that her father had accidentally shrunk one of her favourite shirts. "Whatever". On Saturday I volunteered again saying that I would need instruction because I didn't want to do it "wrong" like her Dad did which got me a hairy eyeball but I think the point was made. She later asked me to carry stuff down and set it up so she could reach it. She did the sorting and washing, I did the hanging on the line and folding. I think that the point was made albeit dangerously that we need to watch what we say to each other and how. I was in fact offended because I've been doing laundry for 40 years and like with the doing of dishes argument we had earlier this year, just because I do it differently, doesn't mean that my way is wrong nor her's.

One thing that S has finally realized that I think is healthy especially with the current lock-down is that while I appreciate offers of assistance to do the dishes that it's my "me" time. I listen to my podcasts, give everything a good tidy and feel good about it. Last night she sat in the kitchen for a while while I was doing the dishes as she had something to do there and then suggested that I could listen to my podcast (which I left off). So - I started it up - a fascinating interview with an author about his new book on Alaric the Goth and how his life was shaped by how Roman society treated the gothic tribes in the 5th century. She retreated to the living room and played games on her phone wink

I do think that S and S13 are adapting to live here with me and I with them. It's going to take time and there certainly will be more bumps. The "battle of the kitchen" is still being navigated. The key difference is that S is used to having to work with a wide variety of tastes and appetites and I'm not. So - there are more left-overs, more random ingredients etc than what I'm accustomed to. Her kitchen habits are also more laissez faire than mine, leaving open packages of things on the counter. I know that there are bugs and random critters in the house and don't. Thus far it doesn't seem to be an issue with me tidying things up. We are both looking forward to when all of her kitchen stuff is here to pulling everything out and re-organizing the cupboards and pantry. I did some of this with B last spring (was it only that recently?) and that worked fairly well. S has different needs and issues, mainly around not being able to pull heavy things from lower cabinets.

I believe that S13 is going back to his Dad for a week or so later today so that will change the dynamics of the house again. S is still weirded out when there are NO kids to take care of underfoot.

I picked up some ginger kombucha while grocery shopping yesterday. Tasty stuff. Rather expensive but when I compared the cost of one bottle of it at about $5 to the cost of the 2 cans of beer that it was replacing, it worked out fairly well. I think I will get more although will try to find a lower cost supplier.

Crazy busy day yesterday. It was my nephew's birthday party and we just didn't have time to make it and I was also concerned about the number of people who would be there not social distancing. My sister-in-law is one of those who are on the "Covid is no big deal" bandwagon and has bought in to a number of the more common consipiracy theories. I've tried to refute her but she is firm in her beliefs and so don't want to add more risk.

Didn't really have much time anyway. Long day wearing a mask. I went to the bank resuming that habit and had a nice visit with the teller (who at one point I considered dating) then met S at the flower shop so that she could order a bouquet for her daughter's wedding next Saturday (only mothers invited). 3 grocery stores, 2 pharmacies and then back home and mask finally off. 2 loads of laundry, cutting the grass which hadn't been done in over a week and I was whooped. S17 came for dinner which S made and all enjoyed. I picked up some disposable masks and was floored by the asking price but re-thought that at roughly $1 / mask that it was fairly decent. We have 5 fabric masks and are now finding that they aren't lasting us for the whole week any more.

S has noticed that my feet and legs have been swelling more than usual lately and expressed concern. Peripheral artery disease has been an issue for me for many years. I've also been experiencing some tendon pain lately. I know exactly what the issue is and what the cure is and just need to do it. I've not been walking. In large part because I've been so busy or at least that's my excuse. I need to make that part of my routine. I'd hoped that having the dog here would have encouraged me to do that but despite being told that she loves to go on walks, she'll only go about 3 blocks, stopping every 20 feet to pee on or roll in something and then wants to go home. I need to do a brisk walk for at least an hour at least twice a week. Gotta do that. I'm writing right here and now that I'll do a walk today to make myself accountable.

My lilacs are blooming nicely and smell divine. S had cautioned me that she was allergic and that I couldn't bring a bouquet into the house - but it turns out that these ones don't bother her at least outside. I had been intending on doing it yesterday but today I'll cut some and do my traditionally "visit the relatives" at the various cemeteries in the area. S has no interest in coming along and this is "my" thing that I started doing about 5 years ago. It should be a gorgeous day to be out and for a "visit".

S's kids are coming to dinner (other than S17) and I'm doing up a large ham that I had originally bought for Easter. Scalloped potatoes are on the menu as well. I'm not sure how many will actually show and haven't heard from my S25 if he's coming too or not. He hasn't come for the last few weeks although I did tell him that he was welcome but did also mention that there will be others here. S's D25 and he are old friends though and he loves babies so he might come - or might now. I suspect that I will have a fair amount of leftovers wink

Well - time to update my books from yesterday's purchases and then a quick shower and off and around.


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Yum - ham and scalloped potatoes! CMM is Jewish so I have rarely had ham in the last year and a half. (Yet he loves shrimp, go figure).

As for laundry - DON’T ever do a woman’s laundry! We’ve all had precious items ruined by well-meaning boyfriends and husbands, it’s just not worth the risk. Women’s clothes are too fickle!

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Originally Posted by AndrewP


Having air conditioning in at least part of the house is something that she was very clear on as a requirement quite some time ago as she just can't stand the heat which she puts down to being a red-head. I don't know enough to judge, just that we evolved to not have air conditioning and that we can adapt.

You are a man. She is a woman of a certain age. I'm glad you've given in on this. It's the wise path. Trust me.

Originally Posted by AndrewP


From what I learned here, being comfortable with yourself is the first step and then you decide if being a couple is what you want. I did make a comment that I felt secure and complete in myself and wasn't looking to change myself just to be a good partner for S and the facilitator was pleased about that suggesting that was exactly the right path.


Excellent!
Originally Posted by AndrewP


One of the challenges I have is that there is a presumption that everyone has come from a dysfunctional / traumatic relationship. While the ending was traumatic for me, and perhaps in hindsight the relationship wasn't great, I felt and still feel that I had a decent marriage. So when we are asked to identify for example what is needed in an "ideal" relationship, most people came up with a long laundry list of what they "don't" want - turned to be the positive version. So for S for example since she felt that she didn't have a voice in past relationships, she looks for "equality".

All I had down was "respect".

There was also a section where you were supposed to dream about an ideal future and what it looks like and who you want to become. Again, something I struggle with. I like me. I like S. I like my life. I'm good. I do know that S and I have things to work through to become a couple and that's the reason I'm there.


I think if one is single or in a newish relationship in their 50s, then something happened, either trauma (death of a spouse/divorce) or dysfunction. Statistically, that's a safe bet.


"ideal"

Hmmm. Am I the only one bothered by that concept? When has anything in life ever been ideal?
How often have people trashed completely satisfactory lives because of some notion of Ideal that wasn't met, and perhaps could never be?

And, I'm an INFJ saying this!!!

Originally Posted by AndrewP


Am I perhaps the exception as someone who looks back on their marriage as being a decent life with a fairly decent person? Knowing what I know now I have absolutely no interest in going back but is it so rare to have just let it all go and move on?




I don't know, Andrew. I was with exh 26 years. We had a brutal patch for about a year when he was first diagnosed with Hashimoto's and hypothyroidism (at that point his TSH was over 100 - and I had no clue what any of that meant). We had a progressively difficult four years pre BD. That's 5 years out of 26. And even then, our 19th wedding anniversary was the most romantic night of my life, because he made it so. Our 20th anniversary, he was more engaged than I, because I felt a presentiment that something was going to go dreadfully wrong. He, meanwhile, wanted us to go pick out new china and spent the evening telling me how much he loved me and how happy he was. Seemed genuine to me. My point is, about 20% of our marriage was difficult, and not every moment of that 20%. So, I'd say on balance we had a good and loving marriage.. Yes, Kml, I'm aware exh talked badly about me to my uncle and aunt, and was set straight on what a man's expectation should be by a man he greatly respected. I still maintain that the relationship was pretty solid for a long stretch. So - no, Andrew, you are not the exception.


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Thanks kml and bttrfly.

I'd not done a roast ham like this one before (bone in and with a nice layer of fat on it) and it turned out pretty well. One a semi-whim, I poured some cider vinegar over it when it was almost done. I think that added nicely to the flavour. Everyone ate their fill and it turns out that my cheese sauce is now "famous" and everyone kept nagging at others to not be greedy. I wasn't thrilled by how the scalloped potatoes turned out - never made this much before - but the pot was pretty much cleaned out. S likes my attitude - people show up - I feed them. I'm learning how to use the steamer that S brought with her. I have no idea how I managed for all these years without one. As a coincidence it's a Lagostina that fits into the Lagostina pots I got last year.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
And, I'm an INFJ saying this!!!
INTJ-A here. S has told me that she's an INFP. I just retook the test though and got ISTJ-A - perhaps I've become more of a realist in recent years. I was trying to remember what my ex was but only recall that she was an extrovert - take charge type. S25 had the same results as his mother just introverted vs extroverted.

People do change over time - hopefully for the better. I know that the old me would have been annoyed with a crowd of people showing up to be fed. I've become perhaps more of a "caretaker" in recent years which makes some sense in that I've had to do for myself rather than being part of a team. I expect that this will continue even now that I'm re-partnered.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
I still maintain that the relationship was pretty solid for a long stretch. So - no, Andrew, you are not the exception.
I think that's something that people who haven't gone through our experiences fail to understand and is one of the reasons I keep coming back to this community.

My marriage was by no means ideal and yes in hindsight I had a better life on my own in many ways than I did with my ex. If I had a time machine with a "make it not happen" stick and her affair and the related drama could be made to not have happened then I probably would have remained content and married to her. But it did happen. Paths were chosen that cannot be walked back. That's where we as the LBS are counseled to not take our former spouses back unless they are willing to face what happened and do their own hard work of accepting it. Which I know my ex will never do. She has too much pride, too little compassion to ever do that. In all the years we were married I never got one single sincere apology from her about anything. And this can't be fixed by snapping "sorry ok?" at me.

She's firmly pulled her hole in after her and I honestly don't expect her to ever come out of it. She's burned too many bridges and while in the moment was capable of being strong and taking care of business, anything hard that required sustained effort was never done.

For many people who haven't lost their partner to death, they will often have a clear idea on why their marriage didn't work out and subscribe to the "two sides to every story" sorts of narrative. Even though in some ways it was me who pulled the plug on the legal part of the marriage, that was only after her preferences for OM were plain and persistent.

For any others out there
Originally Posted by Andrew's Cheese sauce
  • Melt a knob of butter over low heat
  • Add in a bit of flour (I use gluten free) and stir until "cooked"
  • Season with a bit of pepper and garlic
  • Add 2% milk and warm up to just under a boil
  • Add pieces of old cheddar and mozzarella in equal amounts small piece by piece stirring until melted before adding more cheese
  • Eat about 1/2 the cheese you cut up because you cut too much
  • Add more milk as you add cheese to keep a consistent texture
  • keep stirring gently
  • stir some more
  • keep warm and stirred until ready to serve
  • did I mention stir?


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That’s my cheese sauce recipe passed down from my mother. I only have two slight changes but they are just matters of taste preference: I use whole milk instead of 2% if I have it as it makes it a little creamier and I add cracked black pepper because I like pepper in my cheese sauce. Oh and one other minor thing, I change up my cheeses depending on what I have in the fridge. If I use a milder cheese, I also stir in a little sour cream because that tart flavor adds to the overall experience. It is masked by stringer cheeses so I leave it out when I use those.

Question: do Canadians call the butter and flour mixture that is cooked at the beginning a roux? All good Southern dishes start with a good roux. 😉


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Forgive all the typos in my previous post. Autocorrect is absolutely whipping my @$$ today. It is totally Monday here in LA (Lower Arkansas). It is HOT and raining AGAIN. UGH!!!!!!!!!!


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
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Originally Posted by Dawn70
That’s my cheese sauce recipe passed down from my mother. I only have two slight changes but they are just matters of taste preference: I use whole milk instead of 2% if I have it as it makes it a little creamier and I add cracked black pepper because I like pepper in my cheese sauce. Oh and one other minor thing, I change up my cheeses depending on what I have in the fridge. If I use a milder cheese, I also stir in a little sour cream because that tart flavor adds to the overall experience. It is masked by stringer cheeses so I leave it out when I use those.

Question: do Canadians call the butter and flour mixture that is cooked at the beginning a roux? All good Southern dishes start with a good roux. 😉
I'm not sure. I call it a roux because that's what the recipes call it. I do really like having things like this though that I can make without consulting any recipe and make by feel. Perhaps one of the reasons my baking isn't great as surprisingly I am not good at following the exact measurements in a recipe. I'm a guy who pre-sorts the bolts and reads the instructions before assembling anything but cooking is done from the heart and not a book in my mind.

As we've talked about here before, it seems that many Canadians really haven't embraced the essence of sauces. Other than poutine which I do suspect that for most places that the gravy comes out of an industrial 40 gallon drum (we all miss doodler).

Both my ex and S make gravy by taking drippings and then pouring in flour or corn starch and swearing at it to get rid of the lumps. My ex did make a decent "white sauce" which was the basis of a few dishes she would make but my memories of that involve her putting it into the microwave and I don't recall the ingredients. I'm pretty sure she used margarine and not butter as well. Not because of taste preferences, she just wouldn't buy butter. Starting with a roux I've never had an issue with lumps. And I've not bought margarine since I had full control of the grocery list.

I think it was fellow Canadian DnJ who mentioned that the ability to create a decent sauce or gravy immediately moves a person up the list for culinary expertise and I will freely admit that Southerners have embraced that. Sausage gravy and butter biscuits is a wonderful thing. I quite miss it. Not sure when I'll go south of the Mason-Dixon again.

I do think that for sauces and gravys that it will be my butt in the kitchen at least from the reactions I get.

I like the idea of sour cream. I may try a dollop of that next time. I find my cheese sauce to have a bit of a granular texture that I'm not keen on - perhaps in part because I use gluten-free flour. Maybe the sour cream will smooth it out a touch. I usually have some around as baked potatoes is a favourite. Fresh cracked black pepper is a crucial ingredient in most things - I do actually own pre-ground pepper but never use it - S was looking for it the other day - no clue when it was bought.

I'm hoping to try a variation of what was a favourite comfort food soon. Baked Mac and Cheese with tuna covered with bread-crumbs. My ex used to make a really good version of this even if I now have issues with how she made her sauces. I'll of course have to adapt it to gluten free because of S's and S13's sensitivities.


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Quote
Eat about 1/2 the cheese you cut up because you cut too much


This is my method too!

You are basically making a bechamel sauce with cheese and can save yourself a little worry by making it in a double boiler so you don't have to worry about burning it. (Or do what I used to do and just place one saucepan on top of another saucepan with some water in it since I never owned a double boiler and made this infrequently.)

I coat my ham with a mixture of brown sugar and mustard. Sounds weird but is delicious.

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A plain old can of Coca Cola makes a great ham glaze.


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I stick a good spoonful of Dijon mustard in my cheese sauce. It seems to bring out the flavour.

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Oh my! I missed lunch, and breakfast was at 6:00, and I’m starving. What a time to read this thread. smile

I love sauces. Anyone who makes sauces goes up on the culinary expertise list. Lol.

Or fries bacon
Or barbecues steak
Or mashes potatoes
Or makes toast
Or pancakes
Or mushrooms
Or ice cream sundaes
Or pasta
Or pizza
Or...

Man, I shouldn’t post when I’m hungry.


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I'd better set another plate or three next Sunday. Thanks for the ideas. I hadn't thought of mustard Westo - that could be nice.

Just a bit of observation this evening.

S25 came by early this afternoon. 20S had given him a haircut and it - ahem - didn't go well. He then attempted to "fix" it using his beard trimmer which also did not go well so he came home "to pick up some stuff" and to use the clippers.

He seemed to be in a general good humour. He certainly does miss his "girls" though. I did tease him about the lack of a dishes fairy where he is and he said that there is a shortage of woodland creatures to try to train up.

He did grab another load of stuff for his car which included a light-switch cover that I had removed and put into his pile. When I explained that it had been a house-warming gift from his mother's best friend I got an eye roll and he was obviously unhappy about yet another thing being passed via him. Those who are playing the home game may recall the paper towel holder that had been a hand-made gift to his mother from her own now deceased mother.

On one hand, it's part of my character to not throw out things that I believe to have sentimental attachments, especially since my ex-wife had instilled in me an actual real terror of "touching her stuff". It bothers me though that S25 is in the middle of it and it bothers him too. I have no idea if any things have ever actually made it to his mother or not but my conscience rests easier knowing that I made the effort. My conscience is also bothered by having the kids be intermediaries though.

I tried to talk to S about this this afternoon but I don't think that she "got it" as to why this bothered me. I do sometimes wonder if her or my empathy works in different ways. I suspect it does. She was concerned that I was bothered, but not it seemed that S25 was. She was more interested in knowing when the glass front book-case would be leaving.

----

While I was thinking about this on my evening ramble around the village (4.7 km) it brought to mind the things of "mine" that are in my ex-wife's possession. For a variety of reasons - spite being one of them - I gave her ALL of the photos we had (after scanning them) which included a good number of pictures of my family and me growing up. Of those, only one, which I suspect had been accidentally packed when she and her brother stripped the house, ever came back. An old black and white picture of my mother as a young girl.

On one hand, I clearly remember how she had a box of momentoes from a past relationship where she was OW to a married cop. I hated that box. On the other hand, I also, knowing her, suspect that many of the boxes of "her stuff" that I packed up undoubtedly remain unpacked and probably will remain that way as she is rather lazy about that sort of stuff.

The concept of "cheaters regret" comes up here and elsewhere from time to time. Most of us will never know. As many of us can attest, the leaving spouse will often take with them the oddest things that at the time make no sense but perhaps provide them with a "touch-stone" to the past they have left behind. If my ex does ever open up those boxes and sees 26+ years of a loving family and the piles of cards she had sent me that I also threw in where she would repeatedly protest her devotion and appreciation, is there an echo of the person who wrote those inside the person who is seeing them again?

Again - I'll never know.


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instead of passing stuff through the kids mail it to her.
I too dislike putting kids in the middle.


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I have a different take than you on the light switch cover but agree with what bttrfly said. If you MUST return it, mail it. Don’t put s25 in the middle. But here is my different take on both the switch plate and the paper towel holder. It seems to me, if these things really meant something to her, she would’ve taken them when she left. She didn’t. I assume she never asked for them either so it seems pretty clear in my mind that the sentimental attachment is yours and not hers. You think she has a sentimental attachment and therefore make a big deal about making sure she gets things that she left behind and hasn’t asked for. If you don’t want to keep it, either mail it or donate it or throw it out. Just stop putting your son in the middle.


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Originally Posted by bttrfly
instead of passing stuff through the kids mail it to her.
I too dislike putting kids in the middle.

She's never told me her address so a bit problematic wink . She was visibly upset when I saw it on the divorce forms. I "do" know where she lives currently as it's on a busy street I drive on several times a week and she has a unique vehicle. Since I only saw it recently and according to the real estate listing the house was bought last October, I expect she was carefully parking out of sight in the garage up until now.

I joke with S from time to time that it would funny to just dump the book case on her driveway but it would probably not be worth it.

When I say that she "pulled the hole in after her" - she has really retreated. Scary in many ways and makes me wonder what she's afraid of. In all the years we were married I think I only ever raised my voice twice and one of those was after I found out about her affair when I yelled "why the f... are you still here?". I do know that she was afraid of my ability to speak clearly and form a narrative - towards the end she complained that she couldn't put things into words as well as I could. But then again, I still do honestly think that she had scrambled eggs for brains back then. It's been suggested that she's afraid to face me and the truth of what she did. If indeed OM isn't the prize that she thought, that certainly could add to it. If anything I've improved in the years since she left as well. I think I look younger and am more outgoing and active than I was when I lived in her shadow.

I've talked to mutual acquaintances / friends and none of them have heard nor seen much of her at all for quite a long time. Even the ones she used to be really close with who stood by her when she decided to cheat.

I have enough compassion and perhaps enough brains to just leave her be and let her get on with whatever life she has secure in the belief that it is completely out of my sight. So no mailing or deliveries. Thank heavens that there is just the one thing left.

PS - the place that S's S17 is moving to is 2 doors down from my ex-wife's place. Ah - small town joys.


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Ok - now just donate anything else of hers. I'm serious - she's had more than enough time to claim anything she really wanted, even furniture, now that she's been in her new place for so long. I think you can safely assume that anything else you have of hers is of no value to her - and she might even see you passing things to her as some kind of bid for attention (even though I know your intentions are just kindness). So sell or donate her stuff but get rid of it. She's fired you from the job of caring for her stuff. And S deserves to live in a space without too many ghosts of your ex hanging around. Somebody out there could surely use that glass front bookcase, sell it or free cycle it.

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Originally Posted by Dawn70
I have a different take than you on the light switch cover but agree with what bttrfly said. If you MUST return it, mail it. Don’t put s25 in the middle. But here is my different take on both the switch plate and the paper towel holder. It seems to me, if these things really meant something to her, she would’ve taken them when she left. She didn’t. I assume she never asked for them either so it seems pretty clear in my mind that the sentimental attachment is yours and not hers. You think she has a sentimental attachment and therefore make a big deal about making sure she gets things that she left behind and hasn’t asked for. If you don’t want to keep it, either mail it or donate it or throw it out. Just stop putting your son in the middle.

^^^^ What Dawn said.


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Originally Posted by kml
Ok - now just donate anything else of hers. I'm serious - she's had more than enough time to claim anything she really wanted, even furniture, now that she's been in her new place for so long. I think you can safely assume that anything else you have of hers is of no value to her - and she might even see you passing things to her as some kind of bid for attention (even though I know your intentions are just kindness). So sell or donate her stuff but get rid of it. She's fired you from the job of caring for her stuff. And S deserves to live in a space without too many ghosts of your ex hanging around. Somebody out there could surely use that glass front bookcase, sell it or free cycle it.

^^^ What kml said

I will add - ask your son if he wants any of these things before you dump em. Then you can be sure you've done all due diligence. Some things I was holding on to because I thought they meant something to my son. Turns out they did not. They were donated and presumably have good homes.


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I agree with bttrfly. I purged a lot when XH left but hung on to a few specific things in case the girls wanted them. Turns out they didn’t so those got purged too. I’m not saying don’t ask your son because he may very well want certain things but I just don’t think they hold the sentimental value to them that you think they do. Purging is a good thing. The thrift stores in our town LOVED me. And I’ll be honest, a few select items, mostly things that were personalized, were just tossed and that felt good too. I’ve said before and I’ll say again, let it goooooo, let it gooooo (in my best Elsa from Frozen impersonation).

By the way, I agree with kml too. I see S’s point and I have been the one who moved into the XW’s house and it can be uncomfortable with those ghosts from the past are sprinkled around. Even now, the house Sparky and I live in was the one he once shared with his last partner, who he was with for 17 years. Because she moved out in a hurry and there is stuff stored in the back 2 bedrooms, I occasionally find random pictures and small items that are hers, especially now that I’m actually working on going through stuff. If Sparky wants to forward these things to her that is fine but if not, I’m tossing them because I’m not storing her stuff.


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Ah - the cadence of posting is slowing down.

Happy Saturday! I have clothes on the line, a tummy filled with pancakes and back bacon and a fresh pot of tea beside me. I'm the only one other than the cats stirring in the house.

Today S's D25 is getting married. Because of social distancing requirements, only the mothers are attending. She's coming here this morning to get made up etc. One of D25's favourite flowers are peonies, white ones especially. She bought some at the dollar store. Coincidentally, all three varieties of peonies, pink, multi-coloured and yes, white are blooming in the garden here this morning. She'll be taking whatever she needs - hopefully ant free. I'd mentioned about cutting them the night before to give the ants a chance to find new accommodations, but they are still in the garden.

The house is getting full of stuff and there's still quite a bit more to come. I've chosen to purge the bookshelves of many of my own physical books and need to find a new home for them. Mostly science and nautical fiction paperbacks. Some of them aren't in the greatest of shape. The reality is that few of them have been read in the past 10 years and I've converted to digital for most books. Ones that are important to me are being kept but the rest I'm letting go.

S is bringing in a lot of books. Most of them of the self-help variety etc. A certain amount of fiction. I had an impression of her as a reader but the reality doesn't match up. Most times she's just playing games on her phone and sometimes watching crime dramas on TV. On the other hand, I'm now back to reading almost as much as I was pre-bomb-day. A combination of old classics, newer fiction and books on leadership and history.

The "stuff" will get sorted out over time. We've talked and I've been assured that it will all be gone through and rationalized. I've said that I have every expectation that it will take more than a year, especially for things like seasonal decorations. Meanwhile there will be much underfoot.

We had a bit of a difficult episode to navigate yesterday which is where I'm exploring my thoughts. S's D19 who when younger had a fairly severe gluten allergy decided in the last year or so that she no longer did. She's now had a rather sever reaction and her digestion has gone all wonky. She was by with her BF (and dog) earlier in the week and her Mom fed her broth, guided her through her medical appts etc. The tests came back pretty much confirming that D19 is now full blown celiac. One of the reasons they were by earlier in the week was because BF's car died yet again between my village and the one they live in with S's STBX (confusing yes). So they made it back here and stayed overnight. The car is in my driveway and I've been "assured" that it will be leaving in the next few days.

Yesterday at the end of the day S came home with D19, BF, and dog in tow along with a certain amount of luggage completely unannounced and as rather a surprise to me. She had a quiet talk with me later and let me know that D19 was needing her "mom" and that they would be staying for a few days until her digestion is acting better. I let S know that I am fully in favour of helping out a kid in need and that any of her kids and my own kids were welcome to this place as a temporary refuge. I made it clear though, like we had talked about multiple times and agreed that under no circumstances were they, especially BF moving in here. I also told her that I was unhappy about not being consulted in advance which she agreed that she should have done but that events (and the entitlement of D19 and BF - more later on that) overtook her.

I don't like BF. He gives off a disturbing "creepy" vibe and any time he's around I can feel the whole environment darken. He barely talks or interacts with anyone else but does spend all of his time on various devices and social media. He came here with his GF and on one hand, that's good - supporting your partner. They do live together. But then he went up to S13's room where they are staying, shut the door and ignored everyone else. He showed up to eat dinner.

For some history, he moved in with S and her family (a single mother on fixed income) some years ago because it was "too difficult" for his own mother to take him back and forth to his after school job. He's I think 20 now, never held down a full time job anywhere and worked at a coffee shop in the back. Neither he, nor his mother contributed to his upkeep financially or practically. When she was of legal age (and probably before) he and D19 were doing the horizontal mambo and eventually became acknowledged as a couple. They didn't like the "rules" at S's apartment and for a few months moved in with BF's mother. Who didn't like D19 at all and so they moved back to the apartment. When it became obvious that S and I were going to be a couple, D19 moved in with S's STBX (keeping track of the pins and yarn on the cork-board?) and BF moved back in with his mother. Except that he started showing up at D19's. Started staying over and then - undoubtedly without it being actually asked, moved in. They pay I think $50/month for hydro which D19 is annoyed at having to pay anything.

D19 is a bright, cheerful girl. She is also a bit of a "taker" but is a hard worker. She works at an auto-parts company in addition to modeling and acting. She is "very" pretty although when I see the professional pictures of her posing and made up I feel weirded out because to me she's just a little girl.


When they are together it is really creepy. From what I understand it was worse when they were first coupled with BF literally physically all over D19 "all" the time. Even now, when he notices that she exists, he's constantly touching and "all over" her. D19 and BF have a rocky relationship and everyone expects them to break up at any time. But BF has firmly barnacled himself to D19 and it is what it is. He has no job despite being more than capable of working. Has no interest in working either and no plans about how he'll support himself. No thoughts about higher education either.

He has some money that he inherited that he talked about buying a condo in Toronto with (must be a fair amount) that I presume he is using for food etc although I expect that D19 with her paycheque is paying for most everything.

As an aside, he strongly reminds me of a friend of my son's who "had problems with his mother" and ended up moving in here for a short while some years ago. It played out in a similar fashion where the kid just took advantage of the hospitality, had no plans on doing anything else. He had a history of couch surfing from friend to friend and when his mother came by to drop stuff off they got along great. This kid eventually went in to business with his mom and started dating 20S. Moved in with her along with his younger brother, treated 20S like staff, gave her an STD and cheated on her.

I ended up giving my son an ultimatum that his friend had to move out and that if he needed it, that there were social service programs that would assist and that I would help them navigate. Little to my surprise, he moved home with his Mom when he couldn't fee-load here.

I'm not saying that both kids are the same, but there's a certain similarity.

So - in my rambling way - I am glad that S agrees with me that these kids aren't going to move in and take over. It is going to be a relief when the "darkness" that seems to just surround BF is going to lift. I believe he knows that he is unwelcome here and that this is a much different dynamic than the other places that he's wormed his way into. I've been assured that they are only staying the weekend at the most and will be firm on that. S has reminded me correctly that we can't pick what partners our kids have and have to respect those choices even if we don't agree with them.

Sigh - there are lots of times when I think that being single was far more simple. Given the circumstances of the new relationship with S, her moving in, the dynamics around both of our families and add on top all the stress etc I have with work, it's not too much of a surprise that right now is difficult. I'm still confident that it will all be worth it and in many ways am unsurprised that there are bumps along the road.

Well - tea is just about done. Time to head off for groceries and errands. I have a stack of masks ready to take with me. S's D25 is with D19 right now getting ready for her wedding. S has gone to the flower shop to pick up the bouquet etc. BF hasn't emerged.


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S didn’t ask you because she knew you would have said daughter could come but not boyfriend.

I suggest you figure out how to get boyfriend out of the house ASAP.

Perhaps pull a “man of the house” and put him to work doing hard labor chores around the house. He’ll probably leave on his own accord if you put him to work!

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Good Morning Andrew

Busy time indeed. My virtual pinboard did get a bit mixed up. smile

Originally Posted by AndrewP
S has reminded me correctly that we can't pick what partners our kids have and have to respect those choices even if we don't agree with them.

Nope.

I humbly disagree with the correctness of that supposition.

We have to respect others rights to choose - not the choice itself. Adults are free and have the right to make whatever self-destructive, boneheaded, decision/choice they want. I respect that. I won’t, and don’t have to, respect the actual bad decision or choice. There is a difference.

S’s daughter has the right to be with whomever she wants to be with. Her choices will, do, and should bring consequences and benefits.

S didn’t consult you. You didn’t get to make a choice, you just had to went along with this.

I’m not saying that one weekend helping out is or would be a poor choice. No, I do respect you and your choices. This just sets a precedent that is unfortunately being left unchecked. BF is disrespecting you. He is a freeloading guest. Actually he’s not a guest, he is just the barnacle that arrived with D19. Boundaries and rules needed.

For what it’s worth, it’s ok to say no to people coming over or staying at your house. Now that it’s becoming your’s and S’s, I think both need to agree to whom comes over. As in you each have veto power; something that probably and usually need not be evoked as you and S would be on similar wavelengths.

Of course timing is at play. The day of a wedding is not the time to hash this out. So, good choice on your part.

I hope the ceremony goes well and D25 has a wonderful day.

And kml is right. A little hard work won’t kill him. BF would leave pretty quick methinks. smile

DnJ


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Thanks all.

D19 and BF have at least temporarily vacated back to their shared accommodation (S's STBX, D19, D19's BF, D19's friend, friend's BF). I don't know STBX at all having only met him briefly once around the time when their marriage was falling apart and he and S were having lunch at the same cafe as I was. He seems like a decent enough fellow overall but if it were me, this crowd would be causing me conniptions. He had been living alone. Then D19 moved in needing a place to stay for just herself and her dog. Since she had an existing relationship for several years, it was weird but had a basis in reasonableness. Then BF. Then friend who needed a place to stay. Then friend's BF.

He is one of those many people though who's mantra for relationships is that they "don't want to die alone". So perhaps this is working for him.

If I could briefly get up on my soapbox, I think that there is a sense of entitlement among many people, including younger ones where they just assume that the world will accommodate them and their wishes for minimal input. In many ways my own S25 has this. Some may remember how his friend 20S also made a lot of assumptions about my generosity etc.

There are and always have been a lot of people in this world who are "takers". In the last 4 years I've certainly encountered quite a few of them. I even worry that S is one of them and speaking here only, am waiting with expectation that "once the move gets done" - as she tells me regularly - that she'll be stepping up and contributing more to the day to day around here. I know from my former marriage plus also last summer with B, that quite often the press releases don't always match the action taken. I can accept a certain amount of that as it was what I lived with for a long time and could perhaps consider that a "normal".

I accept responsibility for my own well being and actions alone. What other people do is on them. As we are taught here, you can't control other people. You can only decide which of their actions are acceptable to you or not.

----------

D19 and BF told me when I got back from groceries that they were going to try to get their car back to their own village. I'm not the most subtle of people but I do suspect that BF at least was feeling unwelcome what with me asking how the car repairs were going, how long it would be in my driveway etc. They did make an attempt at washing many of the dishes before they left though which was helpful and told me that S had neglected to leave the treat basket at the hotel room where her D25 and H would be spending their wedding night. And that I was supposed to take fresh peonies. So - out to the garden with the clippers, to the hose to attempt to wash off at least most of the ants that are always on peonies and to the hotel.

S got home late afternoon, exhausted but happy. The wedding went off well with no wobbles. It was clear, sunny but a bit chilly so the bride's short sun-dress was a bit cooler than it might have been. She wondered where D19 was and got a response back "I'm stuck here and soooo bored". No move was made to initiate a rescue. The happy couple is coming to brunch here this morning - which I believe they are making (?) and D19 is I believe being picked up and brought by them. I would not be surprised if BF and dog also come along. But I would also be surprised if they stay - fingers crossed. D19's health is better and she may be going back to work on Monday. I believe she car-pools to her factory job.

The couple stopped by the house to drop off their 1 year old boy for an hour or so so that they could go out to a patio (the only type of restaurant now open beyond drive-through) for dinner. D25 was hugely apologetic for the chaos that had been left in the downstairs bathroom but was relieve when I treated it as no issue because "you're the bride". I'm willing to grant a lot of leeway in such circumstances.

Well - S is still in bed exhausted from yesterday. Time for me to tidy up the kitchen so that when people show up to make brunch that it's usable.

There's a meme that makes it's way around the internet regularly suggesting that part of being an adult is reasurring yourself that next week will be easier every week until you die wink


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That meme you mentioned is SO true! Lol

My dear friend, Andrew, I hate to be the one to break it to you but S is DEFINITELY a taker. Now, that doesn’t mean you should brush her aside of course but MANY of the things you have said about her point me to thinking she’s a taker. I can give specific examples if necessary but I think you already know it. It reminds me of another common post I see all the time: “Givers must set boundaries because takers don’t have any.” You, sir, are a giver and a rescuer so takers are your “type” for lack of a better description. I think the biggest evidence of S being a taker is the fact that she invited D19 and bf to stay overnight without consulting you in any way, despite knowing your stance on them coming and going as they please. Someone else already pointed out that S didn’t ask so she could avoid your saying no. That is definitely a taker’s mentality.

Be careful, Andrew!


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Well - I would take a slightly softer stance. She MAY be a taker. Or she just might be someone who does things very differently than you. She may not have the skills or the focus to follow through in a way that you might expect - does that make her a taker? You’ve also made clear that you prefer to do certain things by yourself, like the dishes.

CMM makes me dinner every day - I’ve cooked dinner for him maybe twice if you don’t count canned soup and a sandwich when he’s sick. Does that make me a taker? No, because he’s so persnickety in his OCD that I just stopped trying to help him in the kitchen.

What is it you would like to see her contributing right now Andrew? And what’s keeping her from being able to do it right now? If you put off asking too long because she has the never ending job of unpacking you may miss your opportunity to establish a routine.

(Also I cannot imagine how you think unpacking will take a year. That would drive even me crazy and I’m pretty tolerant of clutter. )

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Totally my opinion and I don’t know either of your situations (kml and Andrew) personally because I’m not involved, but CMM making dinner most of the time and you accepting that is not the same as Andrew’s situation with S. She most definitely does things differently from Andrew but, the division of responsibilities seems more equitable between you and CMM than it does for Andrew and S. And, while you are a compassionate healer/caregiver, you don’t strike me as being as much of a rescuer as Andrew. I think you and Andrew are definitely both givers.


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Well - things can turn on a dime.

S's S17's arrangement to move in with a buddy fell apart. I always had it in the back of my mind that this could happen so it's not too much of a shock. So he, three rabbits and 2 more cats will also be moving in.

S is pretty upset because her "craft room" now won't be. We'll probably have to purge a bit of furniture to make room. I leaned on 20S to take her mattress and she "assures" me - yet again - that probably this week it will go. I told her that if it doesn't go before I need the room that I was going to put it into the shed with the boat where it will be - mostly - safe and dry.

But - on a more positive note, that means that D19 and BF can't even think of moving in. And it's given me an excuse to lean on 20S about taking the stuff of her's that is "still" underfoot.

And yes - I am very much a giver and a rescuer. The very first piece of advice I was given when everything went kablooie was to be careful of damsels who wanted to be rescued. It's actually made me skittish about it and I'm constantly on the watch to make sure I'm not being taken advantage of. The trouble is that I'm not always good at that. And I honestly cannot say where the future will take me. S is "very" aware that I have this terror of being taken advantage of and I do have confidence that she will be a fully contributing member of the household. She did essentially raise 5 kids over the course of 25 years as a single mom. One of the things that first attracted me to her was her ability to adapt and overcome despite some pretty tall odds.

But - I do still have my statue of Don Quixote on my desk - probably always will, gazing at me, firm, upright and ready to do battle for the glory of his Dulcinea.

I think I'm going to try to persuade S to watch the Terry Gilliam movie - The Man Who Killed Don Quixote. The odds are low that she'd be interested though.


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Hummmm.... you are reaching my vision of what your life will be at a RAPID paste.

Don' t be so sure that D19 and bf won' t move in. Now that you are going back to the office, you no longer need one in your home. Problem solved to rescue D19 and bf and pleaseing S.

Maybe you should set up a room for you at S25.

Andrew, is S really worth this chaos? how is your health lately?
Do you even have the time to take care of you.?

((( Andrew )))

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so S, her dog, her two sons, three rabbits and two cats are now joining you and the girls??? four cats? my eyes are streaming just thinking about cleaning up after all the pets.


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and I have five chickens living in a brooder inn my downstairs bath.


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Originally Posted by exquisitetobe
Andrew, is S really worth this chaos? how is your health lately?
Do you even have the time to take care of you.?

((( Andrew )))
Thanks for the hug exquisitetobe. I'm tired a lot lately and pretty stressed as you can imagine. My blood pressure fortunately has been fairly decent - compared to historical norms. I've been making taking my walks around the village more of a priority and got out 3 times last week. I want to bump that up to daily. That will help a lot with my circulation and also mental health as well. S can sometimes join me for a bit of it but she doesn't have the stamina for being out walking briskly for a full hour. And the alone time is good for me.

A lot of the tired and stress is work related - my new role is very challenging and currently high pressure and has no defined hours. The plant runs 24X7. This morning's production plan that I put together only had one comment come back from my boss. Something I'd already reviewed but does need to be double-checked. He's a micro-manager but one that I have a lot of respect for and he has a dry sense of humour and he "really" wants me to be successful at this role which used to be his. I find myself waking up from lucid dreams of trying to figure out what drums I can use for unexpected customer orders wink

I'll probably be mainly working from home for the entire summer. I do hope to start getting in to the plant one or two days a week starting next month. Now that S is losing her dedicated craft / tv room she'll be moving a bunch of that into the home office I would imagine. It used to have 3 desks, two filing cabinets and a book-case in it and now just has one desk and book case so it will all work out and we will continue to not have a room for D19/BF to try to move in to.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
so S, her dog, her two sons, three rabbits and two cats are now joining you and the girls??? four cats? my eyes are streaming just thinking about cleaning up after all the pets.
Well - they did manage at the apartment where they didn't have a back yard nor a compost heap for the bunny poop so it will work out. I actually don't expect S17 to stay all that long. He really likes the independence of being on his own and does have a job. There were 4 "kids" there as well not 2.

When there was an intact family here we at one point did have 2 adults, 2 kids, 4 cats, 1 dog, some fish and a budgie all "crammed" into this place.

It is true as I'm sure everyone can imagine that there are a lot of times when I find this all rather over-whelming. Not much I can do about that beyond vent here and make sure to carve out some "me" time. And throwing in the towel at this stage is a truly bad idea and is not my wish. I'm not someone who gives up when the going gets tough especially when the long-term goal is something so worth having.

Buzzie : [Flaps and Dizzy have just saved Mowgli] He's safe now. You can let go, Baloo.
Baloo : Are you kidding? There's teeth in the other end!

More seriously though - I have confidence that this will all work out. This isn't like getting married at 25 when the amount of baggage fits in the over-head bin. S is focusing on getting out of her apartment and has drafted her posse to help with that part. It helps that her part-time work disappeared at the beginning of quarantine. I help with the moving in but am leaving the moving out in her hands. Once everything is under one roof then comes the purging and "right-sizing". Meanwhile we have to work on becoming more and more of a team.

If this was easy then everyone would be doing it.


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Originally Posted by AndrewP

If this was easy then everyone would be doing it.

but, i admire quite a lot about this post of yours: the honesty, the pragmatic viewpoint, most especially the fact that you are making your personal health top priority.

Good job Andrew!! xoxoxo


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oh, the "not necessarily" didn't show up for some reason, as in not necessarily everyone would be doing it.


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Good Morning Andrew

It a beautiful sunny day here. Yesterday was as well, but wow was it ever windy. If our two day delay holds, you better furl the sails, and batten the hatches. There isn’t a blade of cut grass left on my ocean of lawn. It looks great; like I raked everything. smile

Originally Posted by AndrewP
If this was easy then everyone would be doing it.

smile

Yeah, it’s not easy. However, even if it were, most still wouldn’t do it. Few put in the hard effort for their goals. It’s also they don’t know or define their goals.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
I'm not someone who gives up when the going gets tough especially when the long-term goal is something so worth having.

The journey is more important than the destination. The journey itself is the goal.

You know the worth of your journey and you’re not one to give up easily.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
I have confidence that this will all work out.

Good.

Please realize the use of future tense for your life. It belittles today.

Today is working out. You have reached today’s goals and destination. The journey continues. Live in the moment. Realize the accomplishments of the now.

Tomorrow’s being better is because you make it so. That progress can give the illusion that yesterday and today wasn’t up to par. So not true.

We do need long term headings and we need to not lose sight of the present day steps for they are the most important.

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What does all this mean for the business S was going to run from your house? I'm assuming it's something hat isn't allowed right now due to the pandemic, but once that dies down, will she actually be ready to start it from your place, or has the space for that been taken up?

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If D19 and BF breakup, can she move in if she needs help getting on her feet?


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Originally Posted by kml
What does all this mean for the business S was going to run from your house? I'm assuming it's something hat isn't allowed right now due to the pandemic, but once that dies down, will she actually be ready to start it from your place, or has the space for that been taken up?

Ahhhhhhh once again I wasn’t fast enough. Would have been had actual work not got in my way. My new 25 hour a month contract has already more than doubled. Go figure.

Anyhow, I was wondering some of the same. What happened to the business S was starting and you used to talk about? Not sure this too can be blamed on covid as new ventures usually take a lot if work before the doors open so covid should not be preventing that. I’m guessing the idea has been abandoned or at least put on Indefinite hold?

As to the rest, pretty much everyone here predicted what is now starting to play out. Yes, she did it for much of her life, which is why those here saw it coming. But Andrew you saw how well it all worked at the apt - or more how well it didn’t work. You were there for the weeks of cleanup. The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior.

Only you can decide what is right for you but I will say, hearing of stories like this here as well as from IRL friends helps confirm my choices and boundaries. I’ll ask it a little different than Exquis. Did... is ANYONE worth it? The answer is different for each of us. Just please don’t lose yourself in all of this. I fear that has already started. I do admire your stick to itveness but don’t give away too much of yourself and your life for S or anyone.


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Originally Posted by DnJ
Originally Posted by AndrewP
I have confidence that this will all work out.

Good.

Please realize the use of future tense for your life. It belittles today.
Well spotted and well said. The future is uncertain and I firmly believe in the "not falling in love with potential". If the person or situation you are in is not acceptable now - then that needs to not be accepted.
Originally Posted by kml
What does all this mean for the business S was going to run from your house? I'm assuming it's something hat isn't allowed right now due to the pandemic, but once that dies down, will she actually be ready to start it from your place, or has the space for that been taken up?
The property is zoned commercial and she was planning on using the enclosed front porch (now filled with rabbit hutch and books) as a display area for her "holistic health services" (aura reading and such-like). For consults there are the living room / dining room and for larger workshops there are two other businesses in the village that have a shared workshop space they will probably be willing to share. Additionally there are synergies between what S does and what my one SIL does that "could" involve using those spaces. She and her D25 (who is a little field-marshal at getting things done) are also planning on working the craft show circuit which is also shut down for the present. They're happy to have access to the wood-shop in the basement.
S had been using a shared space before but it had poor visibility, she had limited access and the primary tenant insisted on dictating what she did in there.
All of this is as you mentioned rather on hold right now both because of the pandemic and also because of the chaos of combining households.
Originally Posted by HaWho
If D19 and BF breakup, can she move in if she needs help getting on her feet?
We were actually talking about this today and the answer is "of course" that we would figure out a way to make it work. Just like if any of the kids from either side needed temporary help.


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Finish line is finally coming into sight.

I'm exhausted physically and mentally. S is I am sure suffering more than I am I'm sure as the load of getting out of her apartment is mostly on her. She and her kids have had to move a lot in the past though and so they are figuring things out. S is really looking forward to not having to move again and thinks that the big house with lots of stairs and big back yard will suit her just fine despite the lack of central air-conditioning.

Work is just crazy and I'm struggling to stay on top of things. In my new role I work for a micro-manager who I respect and that's part of the challenge. The other part is that I still have all of my old job which kept me pretty busy and then for this past week my colleague on that role has been on vacation. Decisions have had to be made on what to let slide and what to deal with. I don't always make the right choices and have to scramble. Fortunately everyone I work with including the manager (actually company president) is patient and has a good humour about things and is willing to give me the benefit of the doubt or nudge me along when I go astray.

I think I'm doing ok. I try to treat the micro-managing with good humour. I know that he's trying to let go but is having difficulty doing so. I think I'm about the 4th person he's attempted in this role over the last 10 years and am perhaps the longest surviving at only a couple of months out. There's so much to just "know" which comes with experience that he has and I'm getting as fast as I can. I have my daughter's old chalk-board on the wall behind my desk to try to keep track of all the moving bits.

----

The moving is proceeding. The house is getting pretty stuffed. S assures me that it will be sorted out and right-sized fairly quickly.

S17 and D19's BF came over yesterday afternoon and we - with some drama and effort - got the rabbit hutch upstairs. I never did measure the sizes but had planned out how it would go up. Turns out that I was wrong. We ended up having to saw the legs off, it got stuck in the stairs a few times and lots of sweating was done. At one point the transom window above the front door got broken and I grumbled - "well there goes a 100+ year old window". It was annoying but I wasn't actually angry. It's just a piece of plain glass and accidents happen.

S suggested and I made sure that S17 knew that while it was annoying that it was no big deal. I asked his thoughts on how it should be replaced and we joked around about it. He has a number of issues that he's working through in therapy and she was worried that he'd obsess about this and how I "hated him". I think it's all good.

We also bent a curtain rod (easy fix) and put a big gouge in the top newel post in the stairs. The latter isn't an easy fix but it could be considered a "character mark".

The bunnies are moving in later today I believe at least temporarily while S17 cleans up his room. It may be a few days yet before he moves in and he can't sleep without being around his pets.

There's an ash tree in the back yard that I've mentioned before that I planted perhaps 15 years ago or so. Some may recall - it had two main branches that were growing away from each other and I bolted them together. It's doing well and there's a robin's nest in one of the top branches. S17 - who is quite small but very strong loves climbing up on it and was disappointed that the nest is empty.

-------

S is getting a lot of nonsense from her soon to be former land-lady who has a history of being unreasonable and making excessive threats. The latest was that she was going to go into the apartment with police to do her inspection. No reason why police needed to be involved. A friend of her's is on the force a few villages over and she keeps threatening to have them involved. She has stated that she expects S to pay for new carpets through the whole unit plus numerous other expenses. S never put down a damage deposit and she knows her rights and obligations. This and the constant threat of eviction over the most minor of issues plus numerous provable lies by the land-lady to S and the other tenants is something that she'll be happy to have behind her.

Given current events, it's easy to see how some people consider the use of threats of police action as just part of their tool box to push people around.

I've fortunately managed to avoid much of the packing and loading as I'm sure I would find it frustrating and exhausting. S is not at all as methodical as I am. I do the unloading and finding spots to "temporarily" put stuff. I need to go over this Saturday and do some carpet repairs (just finished googling) and to re-install some original light fixtures.

I have been worried that she'll run out of time or space here or capacity to work but it seems to be going ok. We have a week and a half still and the reality is that we could thrown everything into the utility trailer, push that into the garage and worry about it later.

It's been a tough time for S and I but we seem to be doing ok. The combination of me working from home, the changing moving plans, the move itself, work drama for me, family drama for S has been difficult.

Our favourite inn is opening up at the start of the month and perhaps we just need to get away. It's difficult though for lots of reasons both having to keep every-day stuff going at home and work plus the restrictions that are probably going to be in place at least through the summer. I have about 3 weeks of vacation left to take having taken 2 already earlier in the year.

--------

I'm still not sure what plans S25 may have for Father's Day. It's quite possible that "none" is the answer. In the past it was usually me organizing things. I texted him last week and haven't heard back since. S assures me that it's "normal" for kids to have radio silence for the first while after they leave home and I'm not too worried about that. It's possible that the day will slide by. I've not gotten my card from D28 (she had a birthday on Wednesday) yet either. I did send her flowers to complement the card I mailed. She's not mentioned getting it yet though and she's usually pretty prompt about that so perhaps postal service isn't what it could be in normal times.

Some drama going on between D19 and BF. It's expected - yet again - that things are coming to a break for them. The latest is that BF (who has no job) decided to buy a new car with a standard transmission that D19 can't drive. And she's the one working and now has to rely on him to get to/from work although she's not working right now. And he also bought himself a new very expensive gaming system also without talking about it. Since he lives rent-free and possibly grocery cost free he feels that he can spend "his money" however he wants and is I think offended that D19 considers them to be a couple on all matters.

Perhaps surprisingly S's STBX (D19's landlord / room-mate) has been supportive in thinking of BF as a jerk despite that this is what he himself used to do to S all the time.

D19's caught in the situation that some of us had - where the relationship is dead but you're reluctant to let go of it because it's what you know and are comfortable with. Being as BF is living with her on sufferance D19's housing is at least stable. I've been told that BF's mother has been pushing him to move home (without D19) for some time.

"Drama!"

D19 is off work because she's not been well lately having recently - probably - discovered that she's full-blown celiac. She's also been working on getting on the cover of an - ahem - men's magazine. I'm sure that the articles are well done. She's been doing well making it through 4 or so rounds of voting so far. She's probably even more well aware than I am of what sort of magazine this is and has I believe strong boundaries on what she'll do and not do but the experience will hopefully open some doors for her. She's unlikely to win IMO - but continues to place second in her group.

Well - it's been a crazy crazy day. I started composing this around 7:15 this morning - time to hit post I suppose. Lots of distractions.

Have a great weekend all!


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i refuse to be termed a distraction. you started it. that's all im saying pfffft lol


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Originally Posted by AndrewP
I'm sure I would find it frustrating and exhausting.

That’s taken out of context but sort of sums it up - at least for me. That was frustrating and exhausting just to read. I can’t begin to imagine living it. If this is the price of admission for an R I’m staying out. Now I get it's certainly not all bad but wow, I really hope S is worth it. Just the rabbit hutch saga on its own... this is better than some of the reality shows I enjoy watching. Then add in D19 trying to get herself on the cover of a men’s magazine? And oh, I’m sure that will totally help open doors for her and any future career. Not sure what future career that would be. Again, you can’t make this stuff up! I’d certainly be willing to place a firm bet that D19 will be joining you and S and S17 and the younger son and the rabbits and cats and dog and... in the new homestead. She will be moved in before the end of summer is my bet.

Is this really the life you want to be leading going into your “golden years?” As the phrase I pulled out, it sure seems frustrating and exhausting - well exhausting for certain. If nothing else I hope they all know how lucky they are to have you. But honestly, is this the type of life you want to be living? Because, yes, the current set of issues and drama may die down but it all seems to be business as usual for them. It’s always going to be something. Everyone seems to have struggles with mental health, struggles with consistent, profitable employment, struggles with seeing plans through to their conclusion. This all seems to be so the opposite of who you are and how you live, Andrew.

Hopefully at least the weekend brings you some relief. And yes, visiting that favorite Inn for a getaway is much needed. But that’s the fun, fantasy getaway part. It’s the day to day that often spells success or failure of an R. And if I’m exhausted just reading it I can’t imagine living it. Clearly time for a beer Andrew. Oh, that’s right, I think that’s been taken off the table too. I’d have one anyhow.


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I'm sure that the articles are well done.


lololol

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Happy Father’s Day!

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Originally Posted by kml
Happy Father’s Day!
Thanks kml. Looks like it's going to be quiet here - I've not heard from S25 about any plans so am figuring that a relaxing day with some laundry and a good book while the random thunderstorms pass will be good. S suggested that he'll pull in about 10 minutes before dinner expecting to be fed. In which case he'll be taking me out to dinner laugh

20S is supposed to be stopping by in the early afternoon for a hug and to help move some of her stuff into her mother's house. In case of rain I have assured her that I have tarps.

Some relaxing after a rather challenging day yesterday will be good. S had me replace some light fixtures in her old apartment with the originals. Usually an easy task. Except that over the years, a number of the necessary brackets and bolts had gone missing. Add on the fact that the wiring which I thing was perhaps done in the 40s is nowhere near up to code and it was quite stressful. I kept double-checking all the connections made more difficult because there is no grounding anywhere in the system. The ceiling fan in S17's room I just gave up on especially after S told me that it had never worked. There were no obvious shorts but the lamp sockets were frighteningly loose. I told her that probably the only "fix" was replacement and she agreed that that wasn't worth it. I ended up having to come back to the house to find some alternate mounting fasteners and then needed to use thread to guide the fixtures into place. All in stifling heat as there is no ventilation in that apartment. What should have been at most a 1/2 hour task took about 3 hours.

I did also manage to do some carpet repairs which I'd agonized over but turned out to be pretty easy - just showing that the problems we get aren't the problems we expect.

S expects her land-lady to make lots of demands on her paying for repairs, repainting and replacement of things. The absence of the stove (which is at the house now and S brought with her) will probably be an issue too. Her land-lady has told her in a matter-of-fact way that she expects to get paid for all new carpets and repainting. The land-lady has threatened police and court as part of her negotiating strategy. S is familiar with her rights and obligations and doesn't even have a damage deposit. She's very happy to soon be out of the sphere of that rather toxic woman. I've suggested that as a counter, pointing out that the electrical is not up to code would certainly be a reason why her land-lady might not want to involve too many governmental or legal bodies.

Her land-lady will I'm sure be happy to get this unit quickly back on the market. 4 bedroom apartments just plain don't exist.

The bunnies are settling in here fairly well and seem to like their new habitat. I am worried about the smell and the mess. S17 - like most teenagers - has a very poor track record on such matters. He does now have easy access to dump the waste and they are more contained then they were in his room though so fingers crossed. As long as the mess is confined to his room it won't bother me too much. I think he's planning on staying at the apartment as long as he possibly can in order to enjoy his "freedom". Personally I think that once he gets a bit of a grip on his future path that he'll probably be moving out on his own. He's been on his own essentially for some months now and really likes it. He works pretty much full time and although (despite having lots of brains) he isn't near completed high-school which I think is the key stepping stone he and his mother are looking at for that independence.

As a bit of a funny / weird co-incidence, S had suggested we get some take-away from the pub across the street from her flat. They have partially re-opened with patio and take-out service only. Patio is by reservation only. I was a but surprised / unsurprised when on the reservation book that OM's name was there as having arrived about 10 minutes before us for the patio. I was rather glad we had take-out. It would have certainly been "odd" though to be dining in the same place. Since they live around the corner and it's a place that my ex used to go to all the times for an afternoon of drinking with her friends, no shock that they were there.


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Happy Father’s Day!

Hope you have a relaxing day - you’ve earned it!

You might think about getting a cheap are rug for that bedroom to protect your wood floors from the bunnies. (Maybe with a plastic tarp under? )

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PS some of our kids are a little scatterbrained and our exes don’t remind them of events. It’s ok to just call son up and say “Hey, what’s your plan for Father’s Day?”

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Originally Posted by kml
Happy Father’s Day!

Hope you have a relaxing day - you’ve earned it!

You might think about getting a cheap are rug for that bedroom to protect your wood floors from the bunnies. (Maybe with a plastic tarp under? )
Thanks. Certainly something to consider. A bit of a balance between that and keeping the smell down. In S17's old room it was carpeted and with the bunnies more or less free-ranging albeit on some old linoleum the odour was pretty strong.

----

I never did hear from S25 on Father's Day. My first one without both kids to do something with. D28 messaged me later in the day when I was doing the dishes. She's still not gotten her birthday card I mailed several weeks ago. I suspect that the post between our countries isn't working too efficiently.

I sent S25 a message late in the day showing him the new cat and assuring him that peace was likely - he's usually pretty lax at reading those and even more so on responding. I'm not going to bother to let him know that I was disappointed. There are all sorts of reasons why he wouldn't have had anything planned especially considering current world conditions. And getting my nose out of joint doesn't do any good.

One of S's cats was brought in yesterday evening. She's an older girl, missing a few teeth but still has her front claws. Liz - the more junior of my two - worked on asserting her dominance and while there has been a lot of growling, no direct conflict that I know of. When they were introduced I made a point of getting out the brush and making a fuss over my girls which I think helped.

Just one more cat to come in now and that will probably be another week when S17 moves in. S13 is still at his Dad's place and might not know that his older brother will also be living here. There are - as in all families - some issues between them and I think S13 was looking forward to being the centre of attention.

----------

I took 20S her old mattress yesterday. It was a bit of a heave and a squeeze but it's now propped up in her mother's spare room and not mine. There's stuff in the basement and covered up in the back porch. She also mentioned that she has been being nagged by another friend to pick up stuff half-way across the province that has been there for 6 months now. Sigh - she never changes. She's a nice kid though and I got a hug and some gossip.

I got some ex-wife news though. 20S is still PO'd that she's been blocked. Something that S25 confirmed to her. It also turns out that she's left her job at the liquor store and "retired" and is now doing some part-time book-keeping. She used to do that back in the day and was actually rather bad at it. My own guess is that she quit / got fired at her job. There was a massive amount of drama at work and from the little I heard through the rumour mill, it continued. I can't see her boss having continuing sympathy for her and can imagine that when the store re-opened recently that she was told to not bother coming back.

It's her birthday today. She'll be turning 55. The old double-nickel. Undoubtedly such a large and significant number will be on her mind. She was 50 when she started her affair. It's kind of annoying that she's able to "retire" now while I'm expecting to have to work until I'm 72. But it is what it is. I wonder how she'll be celebrating. One kid in the US, one who has to be dragged in to such things. He's even less likely to be there given that he'll be working this afternoon.

It does mean though that she will even more be trapped in that small house with OM. Undoubtedly doing her usual passtimes of eating potato chips (she would go through at least one big bag every day) and playing Candy Crush. That can't be all that happy of a place. From what I understand her weight has been back up and if she isn't going out to work every day it will balloon. Even here in this big house with lots to do and space to get away from each other she'd have been going bonkers. Ah well - OM certainly won the "prize".

Assuming that S25 is consistent, his mother will be ticked at him for not marking her birthday. I do feel a lot of sympathy for her as I can't imagine she's a pleasant or happy person. I certainly don't feel any urge though to intervene in any fashion.

Ah well - time to hit post now that I've shared the latest gossip.


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5 cats, 3 rabbits, a dog, and 2 kids so far? Wow. And a whole bunch of extra stuff? That must be pretty overwhelming. She must bring something very extra special to the table. I don’t

You know, I can see where her landlord is coming from. There was an over abundance in pets and apparently 3 rabbit with free range probably defecting all over the place. Rabbits smell. There is no way to not make them smell.

I really do hope you have some rules. It seems as if S didn’t. I truly hope people respect your home and space and you aren’t afraid to speak up when it isn’t.

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i couldn't do it.
I'm going nuts with 5 chicks in the downstairs bathroom in a brooder that is meticulously emptied and cleaned daily.

free ranging rabbits? not on your life.

Good luck.


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Originally Posted by Ginger1
5 cats
4 cats total wink Not that it makes much difference once you get past 2.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
i couldn't do it.
I'm going nuts with 5 chicks in the downstairs bathroom in a brooder that is meticulously emptied and cleaned daily.

free ranging rabbits? not on your life.

Good luck.
Yep - going to need some of that luck. The hutch keeps them and their mess a lot more contained than they had been at least "free-ranging" (an enclosure on the floor) at the apartment. The real challenge will be S17 actually cleaning it. In the apartment they didn't have access to a dumpster but here I'm hoping he can get into a routine of sweeping it out every couple of days and dumping the waste into the compost heap. Going to be some pretty rich compost I think. Like any teenager he's not consistent.

It is what it is. And does show some of the challenges in forming a new relationship especially later in life with extra baggage. We all have it. I have told her that only the most fabulous of people have accessories. Some of her's just have wiggly noses and stinky butts.

I make sure to tell S regularly that I'm happy to have her here. She keeps assuring me that the current chaos is temporary. I try not to look past the present to some imagined future. I honestly don't completely know what that future will look like although I believe that S has a vision of it. I try to take it all one day at a time right now and make sure to see the positivity.

There is risk. There is reward. It's so very easy to find reasons to not do something and what's happening here is perhaps a case study in one of the several ways that these things can work out. Having someone who would slot themselves into the spot that my ex-wife occupied in the comfortable life we had together wasn't the choice that I made.

The only way I could have had someone in my life who doesn't add some complexity would involve a girlfriend who needs an air-compressor and came through the mail in a plain brown package.


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Rabbits stink, regardless of whether they have a Cadillac hutch like you built or a more modest one on the floor. Not having access to a dumpster sounds like an extremely flimsy excuse for just not properly caring for animals. And, my money is on Andrew being the one who ends up cleaning the rabbit hutch when excuses from S or her S17 about having to work or being stressed out or whatever become the norm.

Of course there is always risk and reward. I just hope you find the risk worth the reward because it all sounds terribly chaotic to me. But I’m not living it so all I can do is wish you crazy kids happiness, luck and love. wink


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There is complexity, and then there is running yourself dry. Let’s be real, she’s been in chaos along woth the house and pets for a long time. And as far as the rabbits, it will be doing all the cleaning, not enforcing rules regarding having the rabbits there along with himself . I see you burning out taking care of everyone and everything and having your health being affected. You get “assured” of a lot, but I rarely see follow through on the things she has “assured” you of.

Yes, everyone has baggage. But I feel like you are and will be carrying a great deal of her baggage and it’s going to get very heavy.

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All I am saying is, to make this amount of baggage sustainable for you, and not hurt your health, you are actually going to have to not just do for everyone as you usually do, but really enforce some rules and boundaries and to protect yourself.

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Reading this thread makes me glad to be single.


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Let me elaborate: it makes me realize that I have not met anyone compelling enough to be willing to share my life and space.

Frankly, I don't think a man exists who would be compelling enough for me to live with all the chaos and animal husbandry you've described.

I wish you all the luck and joy in the world.


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Quote
The only way I could have had someone in my life who doesn't add some complexity would involve a girlfriend who needs an air-compressor and came through the mail in a plain brown package.


Lol - you know they have fancy robotic ones now, don't you?

AS for the animals - just a counter point of view. I was just thinking about this yesterday. My sister was missing her husband who died in September. He was a solid guy, a great stepdad to my niece, and although he had his defects, my sister loved him. One thing they shared was a love of animals; he was just as likely to come home with a stray kitten as my sister was.

And it got me thinking - only one of the guys I have dated since my divorce had pets. (Mind you, I don't really either, although I have two grandpets in the house - one son has a dog, one has a cat.). CMM used to have Golden Retrievers but I can't imagine how, he's so OCD about germs from the animals. Maybe that needs to be a prerequisite for any future boyfriends - that they have a pet (that they treat well)? Not that everybody needs to have a pet - I enjoy the freedom from having to care for one right now after always having cats and/or dogs - but I think it says something about kindness in a person if they love animals.

I DO think though that you need to be clear and direct about your expectations with the rabbit (better though if S is the one that delivers the message). Simply :"hutch needs to be cleaned every 3 days" or whatever.

As for your son - you should have taken my suggestion and called him. My plan for next year is to notify my kids in advance. Their lives are just a little chaotic and my ex obviously never reminds them. It's ok to be clear about your expectations.

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Originally Posted by kml
I DO think though that you need to be clear and direct about your expectations with the rabbit (better though if S is the one that delivers the message). Simply :"hutch needs to be cleaned every 3 days" or whatever.
S is very big on the chore chart concept and intends on continuing that here. It works for them as the kids are part of the "meeting" and have to buy in to what is assigned. S17 is "very" attached to his rabbits and their welfare. He covers all the related costs out of his own pocket even. I do also keep in mind that these are teenagers and can't expect them to be as diligent as I might like.
Originally Posted by kml
As for your son - you should have taken my suggestion and called him. My plan for next year is to notify my kids in advance. Their lives are just a little chaotic and my ex obviously never reminds them. It's ok to be clear about your expectations.
I'd texted S25 the week before and said that I was looking forward to doing stuff with him. Radio silence. It's not a shock to me as that's been common with him since he was a teen. Frustrated the heck out of his mother. Perhaps a reminder would have been in order, but I don't want to be forcing him to spend time / be involved.

He knows I'm here and that I care. I expect that he's happy to not be around the current chaos and is enjoying his freedom, peace and quiet. Personal contacts aren't as important to him as they are to me. It's just who he is.


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The weather has finally broken here. We had a cool afternoon yesterday with a nice steady rain. It's actually a bit chilly and damp today. The crops will be happy for this. I've not been out the way that I usually am but understand that the corn had been doing well with the heat but rain will be good for everything else. My flower beds are doing fairly well at least but then I have a rain barrel and hose.

Just a couple of things to touch on.

S and I have had an on-going issue about air-conditioning. In this big old drafty house we've never done any cooling beyond fans. S hasn't lived where there hasn't been air-conditioning in a very very long time. So - I installed window units in the three bedrooms. She'd crank them up and then leave them running for the day. I'd turn them down being cold and not wanting to spend money. She of course would then be upset because she was hot and because she thought I wasn't being considerate of her needs. Which she's told me about.

I'd asked to talk about this a few weeks ago and yesterday we finally did. In between I think that there was some annoyance building up. The talk was good. The couples course we took recently had a script that I adapted. Asked her if she had time to talk about it, we each explained our points of view and concerns and the other person made sure that they had heard what was said. My issues were wanting fresh air and saving money and concerns about the capacity of the electrical service. S just physically can't stand the heat. We're going to work on it and respect the other's preferences and not go around adjusting things without asking. And we're going to keep an eye both on the hydro meter which gives us real-time usage information and the hydro bill when it comes in. I accepted that if the increased cost was in the neighbourhood of a nice dinner out then it really wasn't an issue. S accepted that having cross-breezes through the house and the fact that my personal thermostat runs differently than her's means that what she finds comfortable makes me feel cold. So it means that the A/C may go off in the morning in the bedrooms and then I'll turn it back on when I go to bed a couple of hours before S usually does (she's a night owl). If the day is really hot then it may stay on.

On another note, some might remember the lady I dated for a short while a couple of years ago "CL" - who happens to be an old family friend. She texted me in the late afternoon ranting about how thick-headed she felt that people on social media were including fellow parishioners and relatives with surprised and upset her as she'd always thought of them as being level-headed. We texted back and forth for about 1/2 hour and part way through I realized that I should tell S (who was in the same room) who I was chatting with. CL expressed interest in who my fiancee was so I told her and she said that she was obviously an intelligent woman and that I was very fortunate. Also that I was nutso to want to deal with that many pets not to mention teenagers. Fairly typical blunt / joking / not-joking from her. She asked if it was ok if she still texted or even came up for a visit if conditions allow and the answer was "of course".

A difficult thing to navigate. S knows of CL, that we had dated, that it never went very far and that we've remained friends. For some people this would be pretty hard to accept. Certainly I've been open and honest about the fact that I have contact with people who happen to be women. I'm also confident that on some level that it bothers her. She's not knowingly had to deal with a cheating partner in the past but I am sure that it's on her radar. I'm a big believer in as I say - never doing anything that I would be reluctant to explain to my Maker, my auditor or my wife.


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You chose to fight the strangest battles.

A menopausal woman in the hot summer needs an air conditioner. A menopausal woman in the winter needs a fan.

You get cold, you add more layers, you get hot, you can’t rake off your skin.

There are tougher disagreements you are going to face than this one. And areas where maybe you should be speaking up more.

Is this the one you really need in depth discussions on?

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But the AC doesn't need to be left running in unused bedrooms all day either. There's room for compromise.

As for CL - I think it's important that S be included in any visiting that goes on. Otherwise - adults have friends, some are of the opposite sex, some may be exes. It shouldn't be a problem so long as you are open with S and include her in the friendship.

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Being a lady of a certain age, I can attest to the need for a/c. Don’t pick this hill to die on, Andrew. Seriously......

I guess my memory or my reading comprehension are subpar because I don’t remember you and CL actually dating. I remember you were very interested and I seem to recall a few things that may have been dates, but I thought she was the one who was still married and kind of held you at arm’s length. In fact, I’m remembering her as someone who friend-zoned you quickly but then again, like I said, maybe my memory is subpar. Isn’t she the one that you are somehow related to? Anyway, what is my point, I’m sure anyone who is still reading is asking/wondering? While I think it is important for you and S to be open and honest with each other regarding past relationships, friendships, and maintaining current, ongoing friendships with past romantic interests, everyone has a past and like kml, I think as long as you are open and honest, everything should be fine. I have a number of male friends, including my best friend. Sparky has a number of female friends and is still friendly with his first ex wife. As long as we are not hiding things, it is all good. People of a certain age are just going to have baggage. Fact of life! If you are on the up and up (and I have no doubt you are, and S has an issue with you being friendly with other women, the issue might be in her end rather than yours. That sounds harsh and I’m not sure how else to explain it. Sorry!


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Originally Posted by Dawn70
I guess my memory or my reading comprehension are subpar because I don’t remember you and CL actually dating. I remember you were very interested and I seem to recall a few things that may have been dates, but I thought she was the one who was still married and kind of held you at arm’s length. In fact, I’m remembering her as someone who friend-zoned you quickly but then again, like I said, maybe my memory is subpar.

No, your memory is not subpar, it’s spot on. Several of us have brought this up multiple times in the past. CL did friend zone him. They never even kissed. They went to lunch a few times. Somehow Andrew turned this into “dating” while others here didn’t at all see it that way. So really S should not be jealous of a lunch friend where zero intimacy, physical or otherwise, ever took place. Of course that doesn’t mean nothing could happen in the future. But compared to B, well there’s no comparison.


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Originally Posted by Dawn70
Anyway, what is my point, I’m sure anyone who is still reading is asking/wondering?

Lol!

You are a fun loving person.


Andrew, three recommendation from me.

1) Set rules for S13 and the upkeep and looking after of the bunnies.

You mentioned before how you and S are planning on starting an allowance for the boy. This is a good opportunity to teach him respect and caring for animals, earning his way and the feeling of pride and self satisfaction that comes from that, as well as accountability and responsibility. Allowance is a good thing, hand outs not so much. Have some meaningful and helpful tasks that are S13’s to look after. (Kind of two things in that one)

2) Invest in an air purifier for the bunnies.

My Dad has one in his room at the care home. Expelling accumulated gas from an ostomy bag produces a smell that is not all that pleasant. The filter doesn’t run continuously, he turns on the filter only when needed. It cleans up the room pretty fast. The filter is a small unit that sit on the floor, approximately 8” wide, 18” high, 18” deep. Has a charcoal filter (I believe) and its pretty quiet. Probably a good investment for your air quality. Depending on how much runtime is needed, just keep it on continuous, or get a plug timer if it’s only needed every now and then.

3) Invest in central air conditioning.

Once you have your entire house regulated and temperature controlled you will wonder why and how you lived without it. Imagine, all the rooms the same temperature of 22C, winter or summer. No noise from various window shaker air conditioners; a central A/C has the noisy fan outside and not next to where you are - sleeping (or trying to), reading, cooking, whatever. It’s 32C here today and I am so comfortable anywhere in my quiet house. Yes, it is a pretty large investment. And, in my opinion, worth it. Oh and so many bonus points with S with this one!

D

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Originally Posted by DnJ
2) Invest in an air purifier for the bunnies.
I was wondering about one of those. Thanks for the input
Originally Posted by DnJ
3) Invest in central air conditioning.
Heck, this old house with no insulation in the walls (it's the way they built them in the 1890s) and single glazed windows barely can manage central heat much less central air.

I've thought of upgrading but even with now planning on staying in the house another 10+ years a lot of those investments still don't make sense. To do this "right" I would need a project (and budget) to:
- strap the outside of the house and add foam board insulation and then siding over top
- upgrade the electrical from 80 amp to 200
- redo ducting which given that the existing ducting was installed with a chainsaw through main support beams is scary
- new properly insulated windows

Easily close to 60K to do on a house that is only valued at 170. I'm not a believer in "you'll get it back when you sell" or paypack periods that are measured in decades.

This place honestly just isn't worth it. For less money and hassle, I could just sell it and move into a place that already has those features. And yes - I have no desire to sell.

We do have some upgrades planned - replacing the rotting back porch is a big one. Lots of stuff that can be done with a crow bar, putty knife and can of paint. Making the house comfortable and working around the inefficiencies.

Originally Posted by Dawn70
Being a lady of a certain age, I can attest to the need for a/c. Don’t pick this hill to die on, Andrew. Seriously......
Yep - the point I was trying to make was that this was a great exercise in communicating as opposed to a fight about the thermostat. We had an issue and talked it through. I'm feeling positive about it all.

Originally Posted by Dawn70
I guess my memory or my reading comprehension are subpar because I don’t remember you and CL actually dating.
We could quibble about definitions and who felt what and when but it doesn't really matter. From S's perspective, CL is someone who theoretically could be seen as a "threat" and I worked through that. No need to pull a full Bill Clinton impeachment inquiry and carefully say "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" laugh - with due apologies for bringing politics into the forum.

New thread
Tell the cicadas to shut up
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...flat&Number=2898458&#Post2898458


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