Rabbits stink, regardless of whether they have a Cadillac hutch like you built or a more modest one on the floor. Not having access to a dumpster sounds like an extremely flimsy excuse for just not properly caring for animals. And, my money is on Andrew being the one who ends up cleaning the rabbit hutch when excuses from S or her S17 about having to work or being stressed out or whatever become the norm.
Of course there is always risk and reward. I just hope you find the risk worth the reward because it all sounds terribly chaotic to me. But I’m not living it so all I can do is wish you crazy kids happiness, luck and love.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
There is complexity, and then there is running yourself dry. Let’s be real, she’s been in chaos along woth the house and pets for a long time. And as far as the rabbits, it will be doing all the cleaning, not enforcing rules regarding having the rabbits there along with himself . I see you burning out taking care of everyone and everything and having your health being affected. You get “assured” of a lot, but I rarely see follow through on the things she has “assured” you of.
Yes, everyone has baggage. But I feel like you are and will be carrying a great deal of her baggage and it’s going to get very heavy.
All I am saying is, to make this amount of baggage sustainable for you, and not hurt your health, you are actually going to have to not just do for everyone as you usually do, but really enforce some rules and boundaries and to protect yourself.
The only way I could have had someone in my life who doesn't add some complexity would involve a girlfriend who needs an air-compressor and came through the mail in a plain brown package.
Lol - you know they have fancy robotic ones now, don't you?
AS for the animals - just a counter point of view. I was just thinking about this yesterday. My sister was missing her husband who died in September. He was a solid guy, a great stepdad to my niece, and although he had his defects, my sister loved him. One thing they shared was a love of animals; he was just as likely to come home with a stray kitten as my sister was.
And it got me thinking - only one of the guys I have dated since my divorce had pets. (Mind you, I don't really either, although I have two grandpets in the house - one son has a dog, one has a cat.). CMM used to have Golden Retrievers but I can't imagine how, he's so OCD about germs from the animals. Maybe that needs to be a prerequisite for any future boyfriends - that they have a pet (that they treat well)? Not that everybody needs to have a pet - I enjoy the freedom from having to care for one right now after always having cats and/or dogs - but I think it says something about kindness in a person if they love animals.
I DO think though that you need to be clear and direct about your expectations with the rabbit (better though if S is the one that delivers the message). Simply :"hutch needs to be cleaned every 3 days" or whatever.
As for your son - you should have taken my suggestion and called him. My plan for next year is to notify my kids in advance. Their lives are just a little chaotic and my ex obviously never reminds them. It's ok to be clear about your expectations.
I DO think though that you need to be clear and direct about your expectations with the rabbit (better though if S is the one that delivers the message). Simply :"hutch needs to be cleaned every 3 days" or whatever.
S is very big on the chore chart concept and intends on continuing that here. It works for them as the kids are part of the "meeting" and have to buy in to what is assigned. S17 is "very" attached to his rabbits and their welfare. He covers all the related costs out of his own pocket even. I do also keep in mind that these are teenagers and can't expect them to be as diligent as I might like.
Originally Posted by kml
As for your son - you should have taken my suggestion and called him. My plan for next year is to notify my kids in advance. Their lives are just a little chaotic and my ex obviously never reminds them. It's ok to be clear about your expectations.
I'd texted S25 the week before and said that I was looking forward to doing stuff with him. Radio silence. It's not a shock to me as that's been common with him since he was a teen. Frustrated the heck out of his mother. Perhaps a reminder would have been in order, but I don't want to be forcing him to spend time / be involved.
He knows I'm here and that I care. I expect that he's happy to not be around the current chaos and is enjoying his freedom, peace and quiet. Personal contacts aren't as important to him as they are to me. It's just who he is.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
The weather has finally broken here. We had a cool afternoon yesterday with a nice steady rain. It's actually a bit chilly and damp today. The crops will be happy for this. I've not been out the way that I usually am but understand that the corn had been doing well with the heat but rain will be good for everything else. My flower beds are doing fairly well at least but then I have a rain barrel and hose.
Just a couple of things to touch on.
S and I have had an on-going issue about air-conditioning. In this big old drafty house we've never done any cooling beyond fans. S hasn't lived where there hasn't been air-conditioning in a very very long time. So - I installed window units in the three bedrooms. She'd crank them up and then leave them running for the day. I'd turn them down being cold and not wanting to spend money. She of course would then be upset because she was hot and because she thought I wasn't being considerate of her needs. Which she's told me about.
I'd asked to talk about this a few weeks ago and yesterday we finally did. In between I think that there was some annoyance building up. The talk was good. The couples course we took recently had a script that I adapted. Asked her if she had time to talk about it, we each explained our points of view and concerns and the other person made sure that they had heard what was said. My issues were wanting fresh air and saving money and concerns about the capacity of the electrical service. S just physically can't stand the heat. We're going to work on it and respect the other's preferences and not go around adjusting things without asking. And we're going to keep an eye both on the hydro meter which gives us real-time usage information and the hydro bill when it comes in. I accepted that if the increased cost was in the neighbourhood of a nice dinner out then it really wasn't an issue. S accepted that having cross-breezes through the house and the fact that my personal thermostat runs differently than her's means that what she finds comfortable makes me feel cold. So it means that the A/C may go off in the morning in the bedrooms and then I'll turn it back on when I go to bed a couple of hours before S usually does (she's a night owl). If the day is really hot then it may stay on.
On another note, some might remember the lady I dated for a short while a couple of years ago "CL" - who happens to be an old family friend. She texted me in the late afternoon ranting about how thick-headed she felt that people on social media were including fellow parishioners and relatives with surprised and upset her as she'd always thought of them as being level-headed. We texted back and forth for about 1/2 hour and part way through I realized that I should tell S (who was in the same room) who I was chatting with. CL expressed interest in who my fiancee was so I told her and she said that she was obviously an intelligent woman and that I was very fortunate. Also that I was nutso to want to deal with that many pets not to mention teenagers. Fairly typical blunt / joking / not-joking from her. She asked if it was ok if she still texted or even came up for a visit if conditions allow and the answer was "of course".
A difficult thing to navigate. S knows of CL, that we had dated, that it never went very far and that we've remained friends. For some people this would be pretty hard to accept. Certainly I've been open and honest about the fact that I have contact with people who happen to be women. I'm also confident that on some level that it bothers her. She's not knowingly had to deal with a cheating partner in the past but I am sure that it's on her radar. I'm a big believer in as I say - never doing anything that I would be reluctant to explain to my Maker, my auditor or my wife.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
But the AC doesn't need to be left running in unused bedrooms all day either. There's room for compromise.
As for CL - I think it's important that S be included in any visiting that goes on. Otherwise - adults have friends, some are of the opposite sex, some may be exes. It shouldn't be a problem so long as you are open with S and include her in the friendship.
