Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
I agree with that as well. I tend to be logged in a lot longer during the day.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
I’m frustrated by my sons schooling. He’s still in elementary school and we were told the work is optional. He basically completes his daily assignments in an hour. There are a lot of links to silly YouTube channels and already established educational programs. Which is annoying because I want less screen time. The kids do not cooperate with parents like they do with their teachers - so it’s a huge battle. I ended up buying next grades math book and I sent a letter to my son telling him it was from his teacher and he has to do it. in general like Hawho said, they teach down so no one is left behind meaning the brighter kids suffer and it’s even worse now.

I think the real answer is that they need to open up schools in summer for the kids. This would solve a lot of problems.

1. Many parents are not gonna be able to afford camp this year and will be expected to get back to work in the summer.
2. The kids are really behind and need classroom structure (at least in elementary school)

Now my mom was a teacher, I love my sons teacher and I completely respect the teachers. A good teacher is worth their weight in gold. I could never teach 20 (30 in the city) little kids. I would lose my mind.

But that being said I’m conflicted in my thoughts. . Everyone else has not been able to work to their capacity and is therefore furloughed or taking major pay cuts or laid off. Where I live, there’s a joke that getting a teaching position is like winning the lottery. They earn over 6 figures and only work 180 days. Yes I know they put in extra time for lesson plans. (I put in extra time for ceus and HEPs and staying current in my field too and I do not get prep periods or nearly as many holidays) They have great unions and we don’t. I get that and wish I was unionized. They are earning a living salary and we really should be attacking the .1 percenters and our ceos - not the people that make effort for our kids.

But at the same time - I think that due to this unprecedented event - give back to the kids for the summer. Doesn’t have to be a full summer. Maybe 4 weeks out of 10? And just don’t bother teaching for the month of May because they aren’t really learning.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
Originally Posted by JujuB
I’m frustrated by my sons schooling. He’s still in elementary school and we were told the work is optional. He basically completes his daily assignments in an hour. There are a lot of links to silly YouTube channels and already established educational programs. Which is annoying because I want less screen time. The kids do not cooperate with parents like they do with their teachers - so it’s a huge battle. I ended up buying next grades math book and I sent a letter to my son telling him it was from his teacher and he has to do it. in general like Hawho said, they teach down so no one is left behind meaning the brighter kids suffer and it’s even worse now.

I think the real answer is that they need to open up schools in summer for the kids. This would solve a lot of problems.

1. Many parents are not gonna be able to afford camp this year and will be expected to get back to work in the summer.
2. The kids are really behind and need classroom structure (at least in elementary school)

Now my mom was a teacher, I love my sons teacher and I completely respect the teachers. A good teacher is worth their weight in gold. I could never teach 20 (30 in the city) little kids. I would lose my mind.

But that being said I’m conflicted in my thoughts. . Everyone else has not been able to work to their capacity and is therefore furloughed or taking major pay cuts or laid off. Where I live, there’s a joke that getting a teaching position is like winning the lottery. They earn over 6 figures and only work 180 days. Yes I know they put in extra time for lesson plans. (I put in extra time for ceus and HEPs and staying current in my field too and I do not get prep periods or nearly as many holidays) They have great unions and we don’t. I get that and wish I was unionized. They are earning a living salary and we really should be attacking the .1 percenters and our ceos - not the people that make effort for our kids.

But at the same time - I think that due to this unprecedented event - give back to the kids for the summer. Doesn’t have to be a full summer. Maybe 4 weeks out of 10? And just don’t bother teaching for the month of May because they aren’t really learning.



You know, I started my adult professional life as a high school teacher and finally got to move to higher ed (my ultimate dream goal) a few years ago. I don’t know where you live, but the only teachers making 6 figures in this neck of the woods are coaches. So to me that whole attitude about a teaching job being like hitting the lottery is akin to that bunk awhile back about nurses just sitting around playing cards. Teachers and nurses are among the most underpaid and undervalued employees on the planet. You say you respect teachers, but I assure you that is NOT the norm. I have been called stupid, a b!tch, told I was being “unfair” to little Johnny for holding him accountable in my class. One of the very last years I was a public school teacher, a student called me a “stupid f&ccing c£nt” TO MY FACE in front of another teacher and a room full of students. When I turned him in, I was told to have a conference with his mother and talk to the football coach because that would be more effective than detention. After several repeated requests for a meeting with mom, she showed up, completely exasperated and sat with her son in my classroom while he degraded her, called her a b!tch, and said nasty, ugly things to her. I called the principal to come in and the kid walked out leaving me and the mom waiting for principal who again insisted I talk to the coach. The coach made him run bleachers and the kid acted worse than ever. He remained in my class until he got expelled for bringing his mother’s prescription drugs to school and selling them to a girl who OD’ed in the bathroom and still had the pill bottle with his mother’s name in her pocket when they found her. (Side note: that happened on my birthday. His expulsion was, to this day, the best birthday gift ever.) If kid is not a guest of the State of Arkansas Dept of Corrections somewhere right now, he just hasn’t been caught yet.

As far as teaching 20 kids at a time.....THAT would be a dream. I regularly had 30 students, many who were special ed, and others who were disciplinary issues and the only reason I didn’t have more was because Arkansas wised up and passed a law that capped all classes, regardless of grade level, at 30. Even now, my college classes, hands-on lab classes are capped at 24, and I rarely have fewer than 20. I have 16 in one class this time only because 4 students dropped out when we went remote.

Teachers are doing the best they can and are still trying to come up with engaging ways to learn. So what if it comes in the form of YouTube and other such sites. It isn’t like teachers had months to prepare and come up with new, innovative strategies to be all online. I get you want less screen time for your child but how can your child have less screen time if you are too busy working your own job to be able to engage him in non-electronic means of education?

Don’t get me wrong, I understand parents’ frustrations. I don’t have young kids at home (THANK GOD!!!!!!) but I have elementary aged grandchildren, so I see and hear the struggles my own children have in making sure their children are engaged in meaningful learning activities while they are working full-time jobs. 1 of my daughters and both my sons-in-law are deemed essential workers, so they are still working outside the home which gives the added frustration of dealing with child care.

I think teachers get blamed for everything and this is a good opportunity for parents to see how much work really goes into being a teacher. Teachers are forced to teach to impossible standards on the be all end all standardized tests and blamed for poor scores while they deal with a variety of reading/comprehension/understanding levels within the same classroom plus dealing with the discipline and ALL the emotional baggage that children carry (and yes, even the happiest of kids occasionally act out). Lack of parental support is also high on the list of complaints. I am not saying anyone here is that way, because by all accounts everyone here is very involved and engaged with their kids and the overall educational process, but again, I can assure you this is the exception, not the rule. I know I’m older than quite a few on the board, but when I was in school, teachers were well respected. And, I didn’t dare cause trouble at school because then not only would I get in trouble at school, but I would get in trouble twice at home:once by mom and then again by dad when he got home. Surely I’m not the only one on the board who lived in the era of “wait until your father gets home” being a huge deterrent for bad behavior.

The US education system needs a LOT of work but there are dedicated teachers across this country who put their heart and soul into the job and truly love their students and what they do. Of course, there are bad apples too, but that is true of all walks of life. If nothing else, I hope this pandemic situation helps people be a little more flexible and forgiving of harsh/negative attitudes because I think we are all just doing the best we can at this point.

Sorry for the hijack again, J9. Stepping off my soap box now. And by the way, juju, I will apologize right now if anything I said offended you, as that was not my intent. I don’t think you, personally, are disrespectful towards teachers but some of the things you said just touched a nerve and I felt compelled to respond.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
I don’t mean to be disrespectful Dawn - my mom was an inner city school teacher. She used to have to use her own pay check to pay for supplies for the kids. I know the work that goes into teaching. And I really do love my sons teachers.

In my area - teachers are earning over 6 figures though. It’s not reserved for coaches. I know this is very different from other parts of the nation. Property taxes (used to pay salaries) start at 14 grand - and that’s for an old house that needs tons of work. So there’s a different pay scale here. But that pay scale doesn’t apply to everyone. Certainly not healthcare workers. So there is a lot of conflicting feelings. When prices are so high people demand more (why only 20 students per class) and why people feel upset about paying for services that are net able to be met. It’s natural to compare... everyone is doing less because the need isn’t there and everyone is getting paycuts. If everyone gets paycuts they can’t afford to pay for half work being performed currently.

It’s more of a system wide problem - like if we were following other countries leads - I think there would be less confliction


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
One more week of online schooling left and it's over!! My kids are done with it and are not motivated at all to do anything.

The Doc's birthday is next week and once again I am struggling with what to get her. She flat out told me she doesn't want stuff. Although she did send a Amazon link for a mop that she wants. How romantic right??? What she values most is my assistance, acts of service is her thing. I already help her with anything she asks me to do which is about 1 or two things weekly so I have that covered. Last week we went out to her ranch and I spent about 7 hours helping her clear a fence line and dense bushes around some 200 yr oak tree. Tomorrow I am helping her move furniture into her new expanded office and putting 19 chairs together.

So I am at a loss. I do have one thing on my radar for her. A large Yeti cooler as she uses these old flimsy cooler bags to transport food out to the ranch for the weekend. She would never buy something like that for herself as she is too practical. That and the mop she wants...…….SMH.

My oldest has really been struggling this week, missing and crying for her mom every night. How she misses her etc. In the past this has only happened when she is super tired but for some reason this week it has happened every night. I honestly think she will be getting her period soon so that might be a part of it. She seems to be extra jacked up, fighting with her younger sister, and being kind of aggressive at times. So I think it's coming.

Nothing new with the Doc and I although I think she is starting to get a little antsy. At times I feel that she is fishing to understand what my timeline is for giving her a ring. Recently I have thought about it more and more. I am excited, nervous, a little scared, but feel I am coming closer to it. The biggest sticking point for me is the kids. My girls have to feel comfortable in a new home with the Doc's son. Right now when we all go over to her house you can tell they feel like guests. Which I guess is to be expected as they don't spend as much time there as I do. I am at her place now about 5 out of the 7 days a week when I don't have my girls. Her son is not good at give and take, has to get all the attention, dominate the situation, and will just go in another room if he doesn't want to participate in something. He just doesn't go with the flow. That makes my girls feel awkward, maybe because they feel like guests, not sure.. He can't be the boss baby and dominate the house my girls will be living in as well. I won't accept that and that is what I don't have a comfort level with yet. His patterns will have to change.

I have spoken to a friend of mind that blended families, one of which included an adopted child. She said blending families is hard and kids that are adopted are jacked up which makes it even harder. She just strongly suggested that me and the Doc would have to be on the same page with everything. Her husband brought an adopted child into their blended family and he was always favoring her, making excuses for her because she was adopted. She said it nearly tore their marriage a part. Obviously just one opinion but still something to be aware of. As we know, all kids are different.

Yesterday I was in her house alone (I'll spare you all the details as to why) but I found one of her old rings and measured it out so I have an idea of her size. She is still as sweet to me as she has always been. When we are together she always brings me my coffee in the mornings, when she goes out to the store she always brings me back something even if I tell her I don't need anything. Yesterday she stopped at the cigar shop and picked me up 3 cigars, I didn't ask her to she just did it. She does things like that all the time. She has been good to my girls as well, her and my mom are Facebook BFF's, and the interactions between her and the XW have been fine as well. The Doc told me that when she was sitting across the table from my XW at my oldests birthday party she wanted to tell her "Thank You" for turning me lose.

I have had some conversations with my girls as well about it, just that one day it could happen, moving to a different house, etc. I wanted to give them an opportunity to ask questions. They did ask some but overall seem to be ok with it. Seems like everyone is getting more comfortable with the situation.

I guess this is long enough so that's were I currently stand.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
Sounds like you two have made the decision to get married but are just waiting for the kick to get you over the fence. I know for me that I danced around the issue for a while until it just hit me one day that I didn't want to take the chance of losing S because of my indecision. 20 minutes later, I was engaged. S actually appreciated being able to pick out her own ring based on my suggestions but she and your Dr are probably as different as they come.

As far as the birthday thing goes - I would suggest cooking a meal. You can probably get a nice cake done by a bakery (don't do grocery store) if your confidence isn't there. And / Or - if you think it appropriate, get the girls to help decorate them.

For the meal - there is one recipe that I would suggest that a number of us have tried. It goes waaaay back on one of my old threads (had to look for it) and is Jack Three Bean's Chicken Marsala. (miss you Jack)

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2700547#Post2700547

And yeah - I've been around here a pretty long time it would seem. Seeing those old threads feels like a different man in a different world which is perhaps true for both of us J9


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Originally Posted by AndrewP
Sounds like you two have made the decision to get married but are just waiting for the kick to get you over the fence. I know for me that I danced around the issue for a while until it just hit me one day that I didn't want to take the chance of losing S because of my indecision. 20 minutes later, I was engaged. S actually appreciated being able to pick out her own ring based on my suggestions but she and your Dr are probably as different as they come.


J you have always thought things through and that is one of the reasons you are in a really good spot right now. No offense to my Canadian brother Andy but I would steer clear on his advice towards being FORCED into marriage. You are doing the right thing by researching how the dynamics will change and the effect it will have on your girls. I could be very well that they may ask to live full time with their mom. I'm not saying not to do it but definitely continue to do your research and think things through.

I know you'll do the right thing.

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
While I don’t necessarily disagree with LH on the importance of research, I think you know that research can only get you so far and the proof is in the pudding, so to speak. Blending your families will certainly benefit from your being armed with a lot of knowledge but there are some things that just may not come to light until you are full-on living together. That is just the nature of the beast. Her son might well straighten right up with you in the house or he may get way worse. That is not something anyone can predict regardless of the amount of research that you do. I think you and the doctor are likely going to have to have some very open, honest, real, raw conversations before you take the plunge. There is so much that can go right in all of this but there is also a great deal that can go wrong and y’all have to be a united front. I think your girls will be fine and will adjust. I worry about her son. The more you say about him the more concerning his overall behavior and issues seem. It certainly isn’t my place to say but I think one thing you will have to get used to is that not all kids are these big jock type kids. He’s “soft” (your words), nerdy, emotional.....none of those are bad things but just different than what I imagine you are used to. Not that your girls aren’t lovely, intelligent young women, but they are also into sports and are very active. You will have to connect with her son on a different level than manliness and sports. It will be a challenge but one that will be good for all of you as long as you and the doctor continue to openly communicate.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Dinner definitely will be cooked. We will be at her ranch so I will be grilling out. She loves it when I cook for her so that's a no brainer.

We don't discuss it a lot but yes, in many ways we are probably both just waiting for someone to kick it over the fence.

The good thing is that she fully defers to me. I think in one of The Coaches video's he talks about how when women are completely in love they will disown their children. The Doc doesn't disown her son but she completely defers to me and fully understands his issues. The other week I asked him to do something and when he started giving me the business she corrected him and told him I was the man of house. I about fell out. I actually had to course correct her a bit as he certainly wasn't ready to hear that.

I say that to say this...…….the Doc doesn't caudle her son or put him on a pedestal. So right now I feel as though if anything came up we would be able to work through it and she would side with me. I also am not afraid to stand up for myself and voice my opinion which I think is part of the battle as well. She needs a man that will stand up to her (I don't mean in a disrespectful way either) but agree/disagree, have thoughts and opinions.

Connecting with her son has been hard. I do struggle with that the most and as of right now there is really not a connection. I am sure the Doc sees it but I haven't found a way yet to break through so now I just don't engage other than exchanging pleasantries. TBH it's not what I envisioned. I don't think there is anything wrong with him per se but it's just how he is. Even when the Doc and her XH were married the XH was never involved or around so he is used to her and having her all to himself. That combined with my inability to connect is tough especially since I will be living with him full time. Something I am aware of but I also don't want to have any expectations either.

Then there are times I feel sorry for him. Adopted, an adopted father that never sees him. It has to make him feel insecure and potentially not loved which then makes me think about what kind of influence I could have in his life. The opportunity I have to be a role model for him.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
How old are your girls now? Are they still 10 and 8 or is that outdated?

In a way it's a shame they're not older. If they were teens you could make an argument for waiting until they're out of the house before marrying and blending families - that would surely be easier all around. But I'm guessing that's not an option at their ages.

Wondering why your one daughter is crying for her mom now all of a sudden. You could be right, it could be PMS. But have your explored other possibilities? Is she maybe freaked out about the pandemic and worrying about her mom? Is she saying the same thing to mom about you when she's there?

Or, now that mom has met OW, is mom maybe messaging her that she'd like you back, or just showing signs of being sad about losing you as Plan B? Is this causing daughter to realize that no, her parents aren't ever getting back together? Or is she missing something else at home other than mom, like a friend next door or a pet? Or does she feel she needs to be home to "protect" mom from her boyfriend in some way? Or is she feeling like mom isn't giving her any attention when she IS there?

I'd try seeing if you can gently explore what this is really about.

Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard