Okay, spent several hours yesterday and more today at home. Going through paperwork, clothes that don't fit, etc. No fights, angry words or anything. Maybe one glaring error. She was looking for something, shoes I believe. I offered to help. She said she was good. I said, no, you're great. Got a harsh stop it. Had a house showing yesterday too. Not looking like hoarders lite.
Dozed off this morning. Dreamed we were sitting together, eating shrimp cocktail. Ended with a hug and a kiss. Then I woke up.
Read somewhere that if you really love someone, you can't stay mad at them for like more than 72 hours. Don't know if that is true. I do know that I am not mad/angry with her.
I hope we have a calm day. That I show only positives and nurture doubt about continuing with the D.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Read somewhere that if you really love someone, you can't stay mad at them for like more than 72 hours. Don't know if that is true. I do know that I am not mad/angry with her.
I'm not mad at my H at all... disappointed but definitely not angry. Oh well, it is what it is.
Was a good afternoon. I had to wait for her to get home. Wasn't upset with her time of arrival. Went through more clothes today, paperwork and we both worked on the back yard.
W was working on stuff in the living room. Teased me about the dolls she has. Said I should adopt them. I replied they aren't very good tax breaks. She was smiling through all of that. Even laughed. She was singing too. I miss that. I pray she can understand how I see her. Yes she isn't perfect. I'm not either. I still think we are better together. Maybe today encouraged that. IDK. Offered supper as take out. Declined. Stayed calm and like it wasn't the end of the world that she said no.
When I left she was saying next weekend unless it rained. I said in reply there is a lot to do inside still. When I said bye she replied. She agreed that today was a good day.
We shall see.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
This weekend was the opposite of last weekend. She was mad I stopped by to get something, ten minutes or less. Yeah, I didn't call. She doesn't let me know when. I don't ask either.
Anyway, she was having trouble installing some software. I tried helping. Some point after trying, and everything being pleasant, it went off the rails. Police report.
Really hating myself now. Not interested in eating supper now.
Saw during the attempt to get the software installed that she is on a dating site. Why should I try? I mean at all... Except then I would not have any trust in God. So this crisis on top of today...
I thought about doing that... Haven't.. I don't want that or anyone else. I wish she understood that. I wish I understood how much she feels hurt. At this point in time... I feel... that I am a burden and contribute nothing to anything now.
Yeah, venting... Trying to get sorted out in a healthy way.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
I'm still replaying this afternoon. I really don't care if I eat. Wake up. Go to work. Yes, in all this I have an essential job. Nothing as prominent as Nurse or Doctor.
Having a really hard time getting to sleep.
Definitely not loving myself. Not feeling too charitable towards the judge and two lawyers in particular.
I still don't know how to let her go.
So... with that mindset and what everyone has said... She won't be back. I see no reason to keep going. Not family, friends...
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
You are going along a very difficult road - trying to hang on to a wild squirrel no matter how cute is guaranteed to get you bit.
Hopefully the police report won't cause any additional problems.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I'm not even sure what kicked it off. Maybe the fence needing replacement. The police asked me. I told them I really didn't know how it went off the rails.
She drags every mistake up, real or just perceived, yet she was only the victim.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Picked up a rotisserie chicken and nuked a vegetable medley for supper. Ray and I had no leftovers. I'm glad I picked up the chicken. For a guy in his eighties, he is a very good friend.
Still depressed. Stepped back again from that wall. Stared at it a lot the past 24 hours. Not having any supper the night before didn't help. Yeah, by choice. I really didn't care. To be honest, I still don't...
She brought up asking me to return to Church after my Dad had passed. That I refused. I probably did. So she's mad it took this? But she quit. I'm still working on it. I don't know...
We have our services online. Hymns, sermon, prayers just like attending in person. Not exactly the same yet better than nothing.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Worked on the house a little bit. Mostly junk in the backyard. She's super skittish. Hurts. Not showing it though. I hope. I am not sure I could survive a D. Maybe, I don't want to. Spitballing right now.
I know this isn't what I expected. Not what I want.
Too little, too late... I know... the effort is for me and not her.
Doesn't seem worth it if its not with her.
Yeah, this mindset is counter productive. Still have not figured out how to shut it off.
Last edited by Turbine; 05/16/2007:56 PM.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
