So, then I said I feel like that is her way of telling me she is still seeing another man, and if her heart is with someone else then there is no way she will feel compatible with me. She sent me back a pretty angry message, saying it just shows how selfish I am, and that I'm acting like the past 7 months is solely because of her affair and none of her feelings leading up to it. That I just have to always place the blame elsewhere. Except we had literally just talked about how that wasn't the case.
Okay, let me try and show you how I know she has a wayward mindset (even if she's not having an affair at the moment). First of all, the quick anger is a big clue. After all, waywardness is primarily based on resentment, disrespect, and rebellion. It's like the WW thinks the betrayed H shouldn't feel hurt & anger at her, and he should just get over it.
Secondly, she still wants to hold you responsible for her feelings......especially, her unhappiness.
Thirdly, she wants to justify her affair, by blaming you for everything that led up to that point.
Last, but not least, she is too defensive. She doesn't want to take full responsibility for her own actions.
At first, I thought it was laughable that she called you selfish, but on second thought, if she saw your lack of attention in the MR as selfishness........then I don't doubt it triggered anger. She may see selfishness in most things tied to you, IDK, but it's a very sensitive area for her. So much, she hasn't let it go, and she justifies the affair by this selfishness she saw....and still believes she sees...in you. I mean, it would be easy for her to relate everything you say and do with the selfishness she believes you to have. In order for her to heal and get to the point of reconciling, I think she'll have to be able to forgive you. Otherwise, this resentment will eat away at her, and it will always be there between you. She will use it for whatever she doesn't like at the moment.
I believe all WW's have to find forgiveness for their H........b/c the level of resentment is so deep. She has to forgive her H, and he has to forgive her for all that was tied to her wayward behavior. It might sound illogical or unbalanced to the ears of LBH's here.......but she has her own brand of work to do, just like he has his. Trust me, in spite of sounding unequal, it's just as hard for her to find forgiveness, as it is for him. Why? B/c of her hard heart.....the negative mindset she developed and all the negative emotions she's allowed to rule. She has to be healed from it, if she's ever going to be happy in a relationship with her H.
As much as you'd probably like to pass this information along to your W, I don't recommend it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, the amount of insight you can gather on just some forum posts is really amazing. I think your comments regarding her feelings toward my selfishness are spot on.
Thank LH19 for responding the other day, I really wanted to continue arguing, but I let it go, I needed some encouragement.
And Sandi, I won't be passing it along, I'm back to NC for now. I will continue to try and find patience. I do hope she is able to forgive me.
I will say sometimes I get upset with myself though, I know I certainly had my faults, for sure, but do I deserve to be lied to and cheated on? Of course not, and sometimes I worry I won't be able to fully forgive her. It's such a complicated feeling to love someone, but also be so hurt by them. Sometimes I feel like it makes me sort of a loser, like why would I accept that, instead of just moving on and finding someone who hasn't treated me that way? I think you can tell from my posts it's certainly a struggle with me, some days I find the strength to forgive, and then some days I just want tell her to hurry up and get out of my life forever.
Just some thoughts going through my head, felt like posting about them.
I believe all WW's have to find forgiveness for their H........b/c the level of resentment is so deep.
In case someone reads my previous post, I want to expound on the above quote. I'm not saying the H is guilty of the same things as the WW. The H's wrongs may be incomparable to the WW's infidelity. But I don't think she gets it.......(and frankly, I don't think a lot of LBH's get it, either.....but that is another post for another time). Her deep resentment is like this high wall that prevents her from looking at the sitch rationally. On some level, she doesn't want to let go of her anger. The smallest thing can trigger old unresolved issues she had in the MR. Her anger overrules reasoning, and she thinks her H has brought about all her stuff (deceit, cheating, etc.) on himself. In other words, she blames him for how she feels.......and even thinks (to some degree) that the affair is his fault. "If he had been a better H, then I would not have turned to another man". But wait........what she really means is that her H deserves it. If someone tried to pin her down and force her to admit it wasn't his fault.....she'd refer back to something he use to do that hurt her, rather than speaking the truth. Stubborn pride and resentment are ugly companions.
The WW might have a long list of her H's faults, but does he "deserve" to be cheated on? When I came to the board in 2007, I was still wayward. When I started blaming my H for everything that had happened (basically wanting to say that he deserved everything I had done), there were two or three LBH's who were further down the DB road and they approached me about what I'd said. They said there was nothing the LBS could do that would merit or justify the wayward spouse's affair. Whoa........that infuriated me! I thought they were a group of self-righteous LBH's, and I think I expressed those exact sentiments to one of them. No matter which example I drummed up, they would say if I had been so unhappy in my M......or if my H had been so awful, it would have been more decent to divorce him......instead of having an A. That was a hard lump to swallow, b/c I had allowed so much resentment to build against my H......until it was as if there was a shut off valve to any voice of reason. In the back of my head, I believed he was responsible for the downfall of our MR......including my A. So, I had to reach the point where I could admit to myself that he didn't deserve a cheating WW. I had to stop blaming him.
There was a time I could have talked for days about all the stuff that had caused so much resentment and disrespect.....but the bottom line is that I had free will, and nobody had forced me to take the direction I took. I had let the resentment fester and breed with other negative mental attitudes.
I could continue to be angry and blame my H for my actions, or I could choose to forgive him for everything. I had to take 100% ownership for my waywardness. It was nobody's fault, but my own. If my H could forgive me for this horrible wrong I had done to him, then just who did I think I was? How could I refuse to forgive him for his wrongs? The amount of stubborn pride in my heart had been incredible, but once I became serious about finding peace in my soul.....it became clear what I needed to do. Not only did I forgive him for everything......including all the things he never even knew I held against him......I was able to humbly apologize for my A.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I know it's pointless to try to understand the WW thoughts, but just reporting on the latest activity. We had a "group" on one of those realtor sites back when we purchased our home. Well now all of a sudden I'm getting notices that she has been adding new homes to our list. I'm guessing she doesn't know it's notifying me, but it's odd she is even looking at houses. She is unemployed, and she still hasn't even started anything with our divorce, day dreaming on her part maybe?
Anyway, just thought I'd check in, that's all the updates I have. Hope everyone is doing well!
Well interesting enough, I just got her proposed joint petition today...
It's pretty much what we had agreed to months ago, the lawyer added a few paragraphs with some timelines, but essentially took 4 months for 10 minutes of work. Sure is odd.
Anyway, I have a few suggestions that I will be responding to her with, as I don't agree with how some of it worded, but it looks like things are moving forward at this point towards an actual divorce.
Hi all, all right so I’m removed from this realtor site now, but it went down in such a way that I learned she is actually looking at homes with this man she is seeing. A man she has only known for 7 months and whom is still married and she is still married…
This is just crazy isn’t it?
Is there any merit in me just asking her what’s going on? Or do I just ignore it and remain no contact.
I will tell you, this is really bothering me, I’m trying to let it go, but I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I want to start off my saying that I’m really sorry you’re going through this right now.
Well I think you have to ask yourself what you are trying to gain by asking her this question? I can promise you that you are not going to get the answer you want to hear. Logically you know it’s not a good idea but she’s not thinking logically she is thinking emotionally. When you make decisions based on emotions there are sure to be consequences.
Statistically speaking their relationship has a low chance of working long-term.
Unfortunately that is the reality and because you are not able to accept the reality you are suffering right now.
Thank you LH19, just posting here helped, I just had to talk to someone about this. I don't really know what answer I'm expecting from her or anyone really. Just confirmation she is off her rocker, I suppose
I think my thought of asking her, was thinking, if I just brought out into the open, and made her actually think about what she is doing, she would suddenly realize it makes no sense. I know that's not going to happen, and I'm sure as you said I won't get the answer I want to hear, or maybe just no answer at all.
What makes it so difficult for me is we are still married, I still need to work on being detached, but it is hard when technically we are still attached...
This house thing was particularly hard, because up until now, it seemed like she was just trying to live some sort of opposite life, just a life with no responsibility, having fun all the time. At least that I could sort of understand, she has this resentment towards me and our life, so she does the complete opposite. The houses that I saw before she removed my access are ones that are almost the same as what we have now, and so now it just feels like she is recreating the same life she already had, but with someone else, and that is tough to think about it!
She is no more off her rocker then when she met you. Go back and read your first post. You indicated everything happened probably to fast. Guess what? Most people don’t change because changing is hard. Your W is just adhering to her particular patterns and likely will continue to until she decides to change.
As for detachment it has nothing to do with being married. It’s a process. You’ll get there. Just be patient and kind to yourself.
