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#2893688 04/29/20 05:21 PM
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Link to my last thread: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2887584&page=11

Well, it sure feels like we will be living a new reality for some time, with this pandemic. And in a way, I feel like we are better prepared than most ("we" being those of us on the board) because we have already lived through a major shakeup in our lives that thrust us into a new reality. We've done it once, we can do it again.

I feel fortunate in so many ways. My business will likely survive, even though I've had to take a chunk out of my retirement funds to keep going in the short term, but thank goodness I have those funds and made good investment choices in January that will probably make up for some or most of that in the long run.

Two of my kids are working and their jobs are reasonably secure. I still have plenty of worries at home with CMM and my youngest but those were present before all this.

I know many are not so fortunate and are in very precarious financial positions right now. I was wondering this morning about the guy I was seeing (dating isn't the right word as he made it clear from the very beginning that he didn't "do" relationships) both before my crazy exBF and before CMM. As you may recall, he ghosted me just before I met CMM. I haven't heard a peep from him since, even though I occasionally leave messages and have sent him a couple of small birthday gifts which do not appear to have been returned.

At first I wasn't too worried about him - he's a loner with a history of depression and I think he withdraws when he goes through his dark periods. I don't really have a way to check on him as I don't know any of his friends and he lives in a condo building with strict security so it's not like I can just go knock on his door. I figured I'd hear from him eventually, we have gone long periods without talking before. (I did check the obituaries just to be sure, but nothing.)

Today though I was thinking about the pandemic and worrying about how he's doing financially. He was working at the airport (works with the vendors so pretty sure his job is shut down). Long story, he had a good city job as a bus mechanic when he was young (super smart guy but family dysfunction is the reason he didn't go to college). He took a very early retirement to care for his dying older sister (who was like a mom to him). Took a lump sum during a time that the markets were doing great, but a subsequent crash made his retirement plan not so viable. He invested the rest of his money in buying his condo outright (a great buy that is now surely worth 3 times what he paid for it) and took a new job as an ambulance attendant (mostly escorting elderly and disabled people to doctors appointments and such). He loved that job but lost it a few years ago when the ambulance companies consolidated. He went through a difficult year of unemployment until he found this airport job a few years back. Now I imagine he's on unemployment again and probably very financially strained and stressed again. Wish I could get him to respond so I could at least know he's ok, I still consider him a good friend.

Hoping you all are surviving this and staying safe and healthy.

kml #2894081 05/04/20 04:49 PM
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you have such a good heart my friend xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
kml #2894302 05/06/20 11:31 PM
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CMM got his PET scan results yesterday. The original large lung tumor looks pretty dead. The newer metastases in his "good" lung are only minimally active. His bone metastases only have a little background activity which is consistent with treated metastases. No new metastases anywhere.

His comment to me? "Guess I'll live for the next 2-3 months". My reply: "Looks like!"

I had been worried because he's had so much pain in the region where he had the bony mets in his hip, but it really looks surprisingly good - much better than someone 20 months into a stage 4 lung cancer diagnosis has any right to expect!

We will see what his oncologist has to say about it Friday, but no new metastases is a good thing. I don't know if he'll decide to continue the current chemo, or give CMM a break again from chemo, or choose some other maintenance program. But it's better than I was expecting to see.

kml #2894303 05/06/20 11:36 PM
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Also, it was my birthday a few days ago. CMM made a nice steak dinner and I got some fun presents. Many FB birthday wishes.

One of them was a post from Mr Big Lots, wishing me a happy birthday and thanking me for the years of friendship. His sweet mom, who I met a couple of times when we were dating, wished me happy birthday too and posted a funny gif. (I think she wishes her son hadn't been such a Love Avoidant, but honestly, we were a mismatch. ) I'm thankful for being friends with so many of my ex boyfriends though.

kml #2894324 05/07/20 01:50 PM
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Happy Belated Birthday!

CMM sounds like he's doing better and I'm glad the PET scan results were just a wee bit more promising for him. I hope that he receives some good news on Friday, i.e., maybe a little break from the chemo.

Please stay safe.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
kml #2894333 05/07/20 03:16 PM
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HBD, a few days late and congrats to CMM xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
kml #2894388 05/08/20 02:29 PM
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I seldom hear any news of my ex, since I don’t really communicate with him and the two kids who speak to him do so infrequently. Was chatting with my middle son last night who said he had spoken to his dad a few days ago. Apparently, after his initial good response to his second back surgery, he is now having severe pain again (sounds, unfortunately, like CRPS, what used to be called Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy). It’s an excruciating disorder I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Very difficult to treat.

Sounds like he’s doing very poorly and according to son, has lost 15 lbs. Since he was already thin at 5’10” and I’d estimate 145 lbs when I saw him last year, that’s a bad thing.

Spoke the other day with an old friend I met on these boards many years ago ( turned out she lived a mile from my house and we became friends IRL). Her ex left her abruptly for an OW whom he married. My friend had kept on top of her husband’s medical conditions (diabetes and heart disease) but by all accounts when he moved in with OW junk food became the norm. Now in the last year her ex has died of his diseases and OW has stage 4 colon cancer.

So for those of you who think your exes or WASs have it so good - not necessarily.

kml #2894406 05/08/20 04:55 PM
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Thank you for this. smile

kml #2894428 05/08/20 08:47 PM
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Happy Belated birthday!!

Mine is next week. Last year (he'd just left) H gave me a small bouquet of flowers, cards and money (left on my doorstep). It was a combo mothers day/birthday gift from both the kids and him. I sent a thank you text and he didn't respond. I still to this day think it was one of the meanest things he did.

kml #2894436 05/08/20 11:18 PM
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Yes, kas, remember this when you think your ex has it better than you. Wherever he goes - there he is. He hasn't gotten a magical personality transplant just because he left.

I could have looked at my ex that way - he had the beach house, twice my income, the hot young wife, the exotic vacations, abdicated responsibilities for our adult children.....but life has kicked him around quite a bit, and he's wrecked his relationships with our kids (due to his narcissistic behavior after leaving, not because he left me). I'm sure his natural depressive nature has gotten really bleak now with his health problems.

Meanwhile I live within my means, and have the love and devotion of our children. I've gotten to play onstage with famous musicians, I have a nice house in a less expensive neighborhood, I have good friends and a happy life, good health. I wouldn't trade my life for his for anything.

kml #2894509 05/10/20 02:45 PM
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Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there doing double duty with an uninvolved Ex, and to all the dads out there picking up the mom role too after their absentee WAWs left.

kml #2894535 05/10/20 08:33 PM
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I'm not a fan of Hallmark type holidays but getting a text at 12:11am from D14 meant the world to me. It said Happy Mothers day, love you with heart emojis. My R with my kids after BD is nothing short of miraculous.

kml #2894745 05/12/20 11:22 PM
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That's awesome kas.

CMM has had another rough round of chemo but looked a bit perkier today. Really all things considered his experiences with chemo have not been of the full-on stomach flu variety so that's good.

I'm still just moving along, one foot in front of the other.

kml #2894750 05/12/20 11:55 PM
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CMM is doing well due to your incredible care.

I hope your mother's day was spectacular.

xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
kml #2895660 05/22/20 05:37 PM
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One of my favorite patients has died. He was 80, and he and his brother (78) have been patients of mine for about ten years.

He was a healthy 80 year old, hadn’t been ill. His brother said he had felt tired the last couple weeks but thought it was due to the gardening he was doing every day in the heat.

He was with his brother in their house, discussing the younger brother’s art and some plans they had for that, when he suddenly started gasping for breath and just died. Paramedics were called and he was taken to the ER but he was never able to be revived.

Most likely a heart attack. What the younger brother learned later was that he had had a screaming argument two hours earlier with a member of the homeowners association (part of a long-running dispute). I suspect the stress from that triggered a heart attack (no reason to suspect CoVID as an underlying factor, although it certainly can cause heart attacks).

The brothers lived together and were very close. The younger brother had been divorced, and then the older brothers wife wanted to retire to an exotic Central American country. Older brother felt he couldn’t leave his brother all alone, so his wife and daughter moved to Central America and he lived with his brother. The older brother was the more outgoing one - and actually the healthier of the two. I worry what will become of the younger brother now.

kml #2895675 05/22/20 07:06 PM
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Really, really sorry to hear about your patient KML. (((HUGS)))

DejaVu6 #2895681 05/22/20 07:34 PM
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I am very sorry to read of the passing of one of your patients. Sounds like his stress level went up a few notches after arguing w/someone. I hope and pray that the other brother takes care of himself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
kml #2895891 05/26/20 04:42 PM
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Quiet weekend at home (so what's new?). I sewed some more masks for friends and my staff. Watched old movies on TCM. I'm glad to be back at work today even though there have been come cancellations and it's a very light day - CMM's OCPD gets hard to take by the end of a long weekend. Everybody in the house is trying to accommodate him but honestly, it's crazy sometimes. For example - my dishwasher broke recently and I haven't gotten a new one organized yet. It's no big deal to me to wash dishes by hand. The boys do their own dishes, and have been good about it. However, CMM has to complain that one son didn't dry his dishes and put them away, but left them in the dish drainer. We are talking about a bowl and a glass! It took 2 seconds to put it away. Honestly he wastes more energy complaining about stuff than it would take to just handle it. It's really wearing on me.

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S said that her STBX leaves passive aggressive comments on a whiteboard in the kitchen specifically dedicated to the purpose. Her D19 lives there and last reported that the current drama was 3 missing forks. Comments about shoes not being lined up were also common. He also sends paragraph long texts about their shortcomings if they aren't handy to read the whiteboard.

Does CMM need a whiteboard to let it all out on? crazy cool


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
kml #2895904 05/26/20 06:08 PM
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Originally Posted by kml
Quiet weekend at home (so what's new?). I sewed some more masks for friends and my staff. Watched old movies on TCM. I'm glad to be back at work today even though there have been come cancellations and it's a very light day - CMM's OCPD gets hard to take by the end of a long weekend. Everybody in the house is trying to accommodate him but honestly, it's crazy sometimes. For example - my dishwasher broke recently and I haven't gotten a new one organized yet. It's no big deal to me to wash dishes by hand. The boys do their own dishes, and have been good about it. However, CMM has to complain that one son didn't dry his dishes and put them away, but left them in the dish drainer. We are talking about a bowl and a glass! It took 2 seconds to put it away. Honestly he wastes more energy complaining about stuff than it would take to just handle it. It's really wearing on me.


Girl, I don't know how you refrain from saying, "There's the door ... don't let it hit ya where the good Lord split ya!"


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
bttrfly #2895911 05/26/20 07:08 PM
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Quote
Does CMM need a whiteboard to let it all out on?


God, no!!!

Quote
Girl, I don't know how you refrain from saying, "There's the door ... don't let it hit ya where the good Lord split ya!"


If he had any way of affording to live elsewhere I would. But with all the medical bills for his cancer treatment, his income would not stretch to cover rent (expensive in this area, it would take half his income to rent a room and 3/4 of his income to rent a cheap studio apartment). If I weren't already so stretched helping middle son get on his feet (he has a job but it is taking time to build up his client list so his income doesn't fully cover living expenses quite yet) and with reduced income from my business due to the pandemic, I'd offer to help with rent for him just to get rid of the extra stress. He has no relationship to speak of with his daughters, who aren't in the area anyway (and he needs to stay here for his cancer treatment) and no other living relatives. He's 21 months into a diagnosis with an average life expectancy of 6 mos, I honestly did not expect him to live this long, right now he may well have another year or two in him. No good deed goes unpunished, as my ex used to say.

I've thought about trying to get him to take an SSRI - they're not as effective for OCPD as they are for regular OCD, but it might still be worth a try. But with his total lack of insight (he doesn't think he has any kind of problem) he probably wouldn't take them anyway.

kml #2895913 05/26/20 07:18 PM
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You are a kind, compassionate person and I admire your drive to take care of CMM considering his current situation, but I often find myself wondering what is in it for you. I mean, you are there all the time, living with all the little ins and outs that we don’t know about so we may just not see as much of the good, but you paint a pretty stressful picture of what it is like to live with him. You don’t have to actually answer what is in it for you...that was rhetorical, but I do hope the pluses outweigh the minuses. As far as CMM living elsewhere, surely there are some programs to help him.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
kml #2895924 05/26/20 10:08 PM
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He's usually very nice to me - acts of service, he cooks for me, cleans, is very attentive, caring towards me - all things that were attractive about the relationship in the beginning. He doesn't direct his OCD stuff at me. It must be kinda awful to live in his skin, where all these things rub him the wrong way.

As for programs to help him - not so much. Section 8 housing takes years to move up a list in our city. He'd be dead before he'd qualify.

I don't want to be responsible for a man with a terminal illness being out on the street. I'm happy to provide a roof over his head so long as he just keeps his issues with my boys to himself. It's too bad he couldn't tolerate medical marijuana, that might have chilled him out, but alas, it just gives him myoclonus.

kml #2895974 05/27/20 02:40 PM
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kml,

I've got a couple of spiritual books that comfort me and while I'm not interested in debating the concepts here I believe that CMM is supposed to be there. Doesn't have to be positive but it can turn into something positive. It's all in how you choose to see it.

kml #2895998 05/27/20 04:32 PM
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Yes I do believe that I was put in his life for this purpose - what are the odds other wise that he would have met a physician 3 months before his diagnosis?

I consider it a form of spiritual practice in some ways. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I get nothing out of the relationship. But in all honesty, if he wasn't ill, I would never have lived with him in the first place, and would probably have put an end to the relationship by now. (Although these issues also might not have been issues if he wasn't living with me. ) I'm definitely not living with another guy in the future. I much prefer it if I have my own place and they have theirs.

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These books blow my mind yet I totally get it. I look at the evolution of my divorce at the things I should have done, the regrets, the bad decisions and yet in hindsight I see had I done everything right I wouldn't have learned anything. I could have chosen to do nothing and stayed a victim but to change I needed the lesson.

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Yes I would have said my divorce was one of the worst things that happened to me, but through the growth of DBing him (leading to our first reconciliation) and the support here during my divorce, I know that I grew a lot more than I would have if the marriage had stayed intact - and am happier now than I probably would have been if my marriage stayed together.

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On a different note, I'm reading the new sequel to The Sociopath Next Door - it's Outsmarting the Sociopath Next Door. It's very good.

kml #2896049 05/28/20 12:48 AM
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Originally Posted by kml
On a different note, I'm reading the new sequel to The Sociopath Next Door - it's Outsmarting the Sociopath Next Door. It's very good.


Said as I’m putting together a packet for my attorney consultation tomorrow. Lol.

kml #2896455 06/01/20 09:07 PM
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Quiet chemo weekend at home, I didn't feel like doing anything with the heavy weight of the news, so I didn't do much. Did go to a store other than for groceries for the first tie in months - a quick stop at Tuesday Morning for a new cushion for my backyard lounge chair, where I'm soaking up a little sun to improve my resistance to the virus. And my hairdresser opened up so I finally got my 2 inch albino white roots colored (she's in her mid-70's and opening very cautiously, just one client at a time, doing everything right to protect herself and her clients so I felt ok about it.)

My youngest son went out to protest, I did manage to convince him not to go out on Saturday night but to wait for daytime protests. He's hot headed and I worried about him but I couldn't argue with his need to go protest - I would have been marching too except it was chemo weekend and I needed to keep an eye on CMM. My son told me "it's the biggest moment of my generation, I can't not be there" and I understood. I raised three kids without a racist bone in their bodies. (Their only complaint to me is that they grew up seeing too rosy a view of the world, seeing no difference among our friends when it came to race or sexual orientation. They felt they were blindsided by the racism and homophobia in the world as adults because they grew up in such an environment where it wasn't a factor).

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D17 wants to go protest and well that would be something seeing as H is a racist cop. She's afraid though (rightfully so) and so her fight is online. Signing petitions, donating her own money, forwarding videos and tweets. She's outraged. H used to shut her up when she called him out on his racism, homophobia, sexism and he got defensive so it's personal. Now she says "I'm not afraid to stand up for what I believe in". She posted this scathing, but true story of H on her instagram story. Wow it was powerful. I was proud of her for that but feared backlash from H. She assured me her account is private and it would disappear in 24 hours (still a bit scared). She's gotten nothing but positive comments on what she wrote. I am however grateful she only remembered the tamer stories.

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Did some more research about free speech on the internet and she needs to take it down. I can't undo what she's done but it is a teachable moment of what she can and cannot say online. It's a private board and she's an angry kid so I pray she hasn't done any damage. I'm still proud of her for standing up for her beliefs but there is a little thing called defamation of character (didn't think about this). Raising kids has gotten a whole lot harder now that they've found their voice.

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Excuse the hijack kml.....kas, please remind your daughter that just because her settings are private doesn’t mean that things she writes can’t be found and traced to her. She posted it ON THE INTERNET. I’m not going to go all conspiracy theorist on you but posting on the internet, even on a “private” setting is still posting on the internet. To put it in our frame of reference since we are both older than your D17, it leaves a “paper” trail. And if she is as angry as you indicate, you might think about finding someone for her to talk to. That much rage and anger can’t be healthy.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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I had a chat with D17 when I went home for lunch. I know that any one of her friends could have copied it that it's "out there" now. She did it before she told me and it took me a bit to process. The post is down now. She's always fought for underdogs, protected classes, gives money to homeless people it's who she is. She's angry because a cop killed someone over a $20 bill and her dad just happens to be a cop. She's an INFJ and this is what she does. When Kobe Bryant was killed she took to her room and cried for 3 days. She just feels everything so deeply. I'll keep an eye on this because this is a side of her I haven't seen yet. We weren't close before the BD so I have no basis for comparison.

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She just sent me a selfie of her with both kittens laying on her. She's all smiles yet if there is a protest nearby she's going to want to go. This child is the most perplexing person I think I've ever had the privilege to meet.

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I don’t want to keep taking up kml’s thread, but I’ll just say this. I too am an INFJ and I feel things deeply too, but I’m not seeing the correlation between being INFJ and being so super angry at her father. Maybe part of it is her age, as teenagers do tend to be far more emotional. Maybe it is just her life experiences. Don’t know and not judging. It just seems, based on your posts, that her anger, particularly for her father is super intense.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
kml #2896745 06/03/20 08:08 PM
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Well I'd be super angry at my father too if he was a racist a-hole AND blew up the family. And represented oppression (since, if he's an openly racist cop, he's probably not a good cop).

kml #2896748 06/03/20 08:21 PM
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Not saying she shouldn’t be angry at her father. That wasn’t my point at all. Again, it may be how I’m reading it and not what kas is saying at all but this anger towards him was making an appearance before recent events and now seems exacerbated by our current societal tensions, which can’t be good for D17. It is probably just me and the way I’m interpreting what I’m reading but her anger toward her father (not unwarranted by any means) seems almost all-consuming.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
kml #2896828 06/04/20 05:08 PM
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Too bad we can't post pictures and videos here - my son's little chihuahua-terrier mix went protesting with him yesterday, and I have the cutest video of him marching along with the crowd, his little chihuahua legs moving so fast.

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(It was a safe, non-violent protest)

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I dunno. Chihuahua's can have a lot of attitude laugh


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
kml #2896860 06/04/20 10:00 PM
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Originally Posted by kml
Well I'd be super angry at my father too if he was a racist a-hole AND blew up the family. And represented oppression (since, if he's an openly racist cop, he's probably not a good cop).


In D17s post she says "she grew up thinking cops were hero's and that she idealized them but says she was wrong. She goes on to describe how he would say nasty things about people of color, saying they commit more crimes, or that they are thugs. She says that is a completely wrong and effed up to say. Says she'd never stand up to him because he would just get defensive and tell her that she was wrong for defending them. She says she's not afraid now to stand up for what is right and will continue to do so starting with calling her racist father out and his racist cop buddies. Says cops abuse their power within the police force and their day to day lives.....she goes on to give specific examples (ouch) and says she is mad"

This is all true so yeah she's angry.

kml #2897620 06/15/20 08:58 PM
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Had a relatively calm weekend. Did drop my phone and had to get a new one (I had been babying along my old iPhone SE because it had a headphone jack and they don't come with them anymore frown ) . I went with the iPhone 11 because the camera on the SE is not so great, but I'm really disliking the larger size of the phone. (I could browse with one hand on the SE). Still, no big deal.

I got a little work done on the back patio which had been needing to be done, looks better now. Still a lot of gardening and some more cleaning to do. Also need to get a junk hauler or a small dumpster to get rid of some accumulated junk. Still haven't ordered a new dishwasher either. All in good time.

I've also been playing around with my retirement scenarios. For any of you who want to keep an eye on this for yourselves, I LOVE the Ultimate Retirement Calculator at the Financial Mentor website and have used it for years to calculate various scenarios for my own retirement. I just finally read his book How Much Money Do I Need to Retire and wish I had bought it some time ago - I thought it might be redundant but it definitely wasn't, and I really like his clear thinking. It gave me some new ideas for sure. I'm not ready to retire yet - probably not for years although at some point I may go to reduced hours at work. But I COULD retire if I wanted to; I simply want more cushion and more ability to help my kids first.

kml #2897927 06/18/20 11:30 PM
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CMM's oncologist appointment today, we made a decision to give him a break from this round of chemo and start it back up in 3 weeks. The cumulative effects of chemo every 3 weeks since January were just starting to catch up to him - the neuropathy, the skin breakdown, the gut issues - so I think this little break will give him a chance to recover a bit and do better going forward. We can celebrate Juneteenth tomorrow instead of going for chemo!

kml #2898062 06/21/20 04:07 PM
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Happy Father’s Day to all the great dads in here, and a shout-out to all the moms doing double duty and filling in for their kids’ dads too.

If you google San Diego skater’s protest you can see video of the protest my youngest son participated in yesterday. 1,000 young people on skateboards through the city to fight for equality. I’m proud of him and his social conscience. He’s well aware that his black friends are treated very differently by the police than he as a white kid is - he’s seen it first hand, and he’s not ok with it.

(For those who are watching paranoid info about rioters, no, it was a peaceful protest, as the vast majority have been).

kml #2898068 06/21/20 05:05 PM
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well done.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
kml #2898106 06/22/20 09:20 AM
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I think we’ve figured out that middle son - the one who doesn’t live with me - may have had Covid in February.

At the time, he had symptoms of a respiratory infection, not unusual for him, as he has asthma and is somewhat prone. He was on oral steroids as is usual for him when he gets an infection, and wasn’t unusually sicker than he normally gets when he has bronchitis (which is fairly bad because of the asthma). The weird thing though was that he developed diabetes. At the time it was attributed to him being on the steroids a couple days longer than usual, but he’s used them in the past with no problems. His blood sugar was so high that I was worried about it being type 1 diabetes with keto acidosis but his doctors didn’t seem concerned about that and just attributed it to his weight and the steroids. He also complained about a weird metallic taste in his mouth at the time but he associated it with his high blood sugars, which were causing blurred vision and other symptoms.

He didn’t have a fever or know anyone who was sick. He had been to an event in LA just prior but nobody in that group was reporting illness. I had questioned him a couple months ago about whether he thought it could have been Covid and he didn’t think so. His blood sugars had largely returned to normal after a few weeks and a modest dose of metformin. But now some stories are coming out about Covid triggering diabetes (something that was studied in SARS) and we now know that Covid can affect sense of smell and taste, which might explain the metallic taste.

In retrospect, as more becomes known about the virus and how early it may have been circulating, it seems more possible that this was Covid. Scary. I didn’t come visit him when he was sick as I normally would, because I was fearful of bringing any infection back to CMM at that time, which was right after his hospitalization for colitis due to immune suppression from his chemo. Thank god I didn’t.

We will try to get him an antibody test, although I’m seeing a lot of false negatives with that test.

Stay safe out there, everybody. Wear your masks, wash your hands, keep social distancing and make sure your vitamin D levels are normal.

kml #2898109 06/22/20 10:25 AM
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yes i've uppped my mom's vit D supplement. truthfully, i should probably double what she's currently taking.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
kml #2898736 06/28/20 10:07 PM
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My middle son - the one who lives an hour away and who I haven’t seen in person for six months because he has bad asthma and is staying safe - just got the cutest new kitten! Wish I could go play with him! He has an older cat but that cat has lived with other cats in the past, and is still lively enough to cope with a kitten I think. Son is going super slow with the introductions.

I did see my niece yesterday , who needed a medical exam, but she has been safely working from home, and we both wore masks and sat outside. It was nice to see her - I think she’s the first visitor since the lockdown.

I’m lucky, though, in that I have phone visits and the occasional in-person visit with patients and see my coworkers (5 people total in our office) plus we are a household of four so I haven’t felt too isolated.

Sure wish I could visit that little fluffy kitten though ! Instead my son FaceTimed me this morning so I could get my kitten fix. Google white Neva masquerade images to get an idea what this kitten looks like. We have no idea what the kitten really is - came from a feral mom his friends were fostering who looks a bit like a tabby Maine coon - but those images come closest to how he looks. Super-cute.

kml #2898737 06/28/20 10:22 PM
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Oh - and a little woo-woo story from my niece.

She’d been walking and listening to a book by a psychic who said something about picking a sign for your deceased love ones to communicate with you. Walking down a street and thinking of her deceased grandmother (my mom, who died in September) she decided to pick bears. (She has a stuffed bear my mom gave her).

Shortly thereafter, there was an incident with a live bear who had somehow found its way into the city (near Pasadena) and had to be removed by animal control. The news accounts referred to her as an “old lady bear”. The bear was found on the very street where she made her intention!

kml #2898739 06/28/20 10:37 PM
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well, grandma came to visit, clearly.

anddddd. OMG that kitten must be completely adorable!!!! soon, soon you will get to see him. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
kml #2898740 06/29/20 12:38 AM
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Yes he’s the cutest little bug, white fluff ball with his masque face and dark- tipped ears rail and legs.

And yeah, mom sent a message. smile

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My sister just informed me that there’s a place near me where you can swim with otters. It’s expensive and obviously not possible during the pandemic, but we will be saving up to do that in a year or two maybe!

kml #2899194 07/06/20 02:35 PM
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I clearly need new readers or maybe I should just actually wear the ones I have. I read your post originally as "swim with others" and I thought, wonder why that is so expensive. LOL Swim with otters, though, is super cool. I would totally save up for that. I was also thinking I live near several lakes and can swim with others for free anytime. LOL Lord, but getting old stinks!


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
kml #2899230 07/06/20 06:00 PM
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LOLOL yeah - no swimming with others right now in the pandemic either! But that is free wink

kml #2899244 07/06/20 07:17 PM
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Very quiet weekend, we did grill some burgers one day and Tri-tip the next so we ate well. No fireworks visible from my place (normally I can see 4 different shows from my bedroom window). The most exciting thing we did this weekend was watch Hamilton. I did drop a couple bags of my mom's clothes at the Goodwill now that they're taking donations again.

I did get some new chairs for my patio table and put up the new umbrella I bought last year to replace the existing one, which finally reached the end of its life. The chairs I have had fabric slings which have disintegrated and I thought I would replace them but finally realized I was not getting around to that job, so found some cheap replacement chairs at Big Lots for $25 each (score!) and consigned the ones I have to the junk hauler pile. My job this week is to call the junk hauler as I have accumulated quite a few items - a couple of old barbecues, a old patio table and a couple of broken chairs, and now the four chairs that need replacing. The junk hauler I'll use is a "green" hauler who recycles whatever they can, so that's good. Next weekend I'll finish some repotting that needs to be done with some outdoor plants. I got some sun (I'm so pale I can hardly claim to have a tan but I'm not quite as blindingly white as before - trying to get a little Covid protection.) I also got some watering done in my backyard (front yard has automatic sprinklers but back does not).

Middle son is growing his client list and should soon be self-supporting, which is a relief. I have a lot of things which need doing around the house which I have been putting off for financial reasons but I will have to get them done eventually. New dishwasher, some minor plumbing jobs, need someone to fix the hole in my mom's old bathroom wall where she pulled the towel rack out of the wall when she was sick and fell. Also need a kitchen drawer repair. I'd been waiting for things to get better with the pandemic before having workmen in the house but there's no use waiting longer as things are not getting better anytime soon. CMM's cancer and this pandemic have definitely resulted in me accumulating a lot of things that have been unattended to, I'm trying to slowly get them done now.

kml #2899399 07/08/20 01:59 PM
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Still healthy here although daily cases have more than tripled here in the last couple weeks. Some businesses are shutting down again. My business partner is facing a dilemma - her oldest son is getting married next month across the country - the big wedding was postponed obviously but a courthouse wedding will go in. It’s her first child to get married but it’s hardly safe to fly - she’ll need to quarantine once she gets back home before I coming back to the office. Tough choices.

We are trying to keep all the appointments we can as telemedicine visits. There are five of us in the office, and we wear masks around each other as well as the patients who do come in. I’m picking up a room-sized HEPA filter for my exam room this morning given the new concerns about fine aerosols, just in case. We are not seeing sick patients (my practice is consultative) and we screen by phone when confirming the appointments for anyone who has recently traveled or been sick or exposed. Still, I had a new patient cancel yesterday because she was on her way to get a Covid test. You never know when someone we are seeing might be in the infectious, asymptomatic incubation phase.

kml #2899419 07/08/20 03:58 PM
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Originally Posted by kml
Still healthy here although daily cases have more than tripled here in the last couple weeks. Some businesses are shutting down again. My business partner is facing a dilemma - her oldest son is getting married next month across the country - the big wedding was postponed obviously but a courthouse wedding will go in. It’s her first child to get married but it’s hardly safe to fly - she’ll need to quarantine once she gets back home before I coming back to the office. Tough choices.

Tough choices for some - easy choices for others. Attending a bachelor party or getaway weekend... yeah, tougher choice. First or any child getting married? EASY CHOICE and one that could have 99% chance for huge regrets by missing it and less than 1% chance going and contracting covid - way less. Really, going to miss a once in a lifetime event for a child with the known low risk. Very sad. Memories they will never get back. And yes positive tests may be up - yet deaths are WAY down. My state of 5.5 million has not had a single death since before July 4th. Yet all we hear is how positive tests are up. Yeah people get sick. The real question is, how sick. And sick enough to pass on a child’s wedding? Not me. EASY CHOICE.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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I flew last week and was pleasantly surprised with the experience. Felt quite safe and I don't think I saw many people breaking the rules. I would be totally comfortable flying again.

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Deaths are not down in my city at all. Expecting to see them spike in another 2-4 weeks as deaths lag behind new cases. Hospitalizations have already increased by 60% in past month. ICU patients are being shuffled around the city as hospital ICU beds fill up.

Flying presents a problem because most major airlines are no longer trying to distance flyers from each other (no more empty middle seats) and it's really easy for aerosols and droplets to spread to people seated nearby. Universal mask wearing should significantly reduce that risk but it only takes one infected jerk not wearing a mask to change the equation in your immediate few rows. Also on a cross country flight people will have to eat and drink so will not be wearing masks all the time. A scientific study on the subject notes:
"A total of 40 flights have been investigated for carrying SARS-infected passengers. Five of these flights have been associated with probable on-board transmission of SARS in 37 passengers. Most of those passengers were seated within five rows of the index case. One 3-hour flight carrying 120 passengers travelling from Hong Kong to Beijing on March 15, 2003,31 began a superspreading event accounting for 22 of the 37 people who contracted SARS after air travel"
Although the air on airplanes is filtered, that doesn't help you much with spread from someone in the rows adjacent to you, because the droplets/aerosol can spread to you before it reaches the intake.

Of more concern is using the public bathrooms in the airports, waiting in a crowded area etc. Not as bad as being in a bar full of drunk unmasked patrons but way riskier than what we are doing in our daily life now - too risky to not quarantine on her return before seeing patients in person. Flushing toilets create an aerosol and the virus can be excreted in stool.

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And some used to make fun of “germaphobes”. How things can change. I also used to hear parents say “I’d take a bullet for my child.” Or “I’d do anything to switch places with my child to spare their pain.” Or would or have thrown themselves on top of a child to save them. But fly on a plane in 2020 to attend their socially distanced wedding? Well THATS a tough choice and too risky. We really have lost our ever loving minds. Some “risks” are worth taking. At least they are for me.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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She's going - BUT - she has to quarantine for two weeks when she returns so as to not expose us, her coworkers, and the patients. And she has to worry about her own health on the way. Fortunately her son already had Covid so she doesn't risk bringing it to him, but I'm not sure how old or healthy his fiance's parents are and what risk it poses to them.

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Well, CMM was given another month’s reprieve from chemo. His platelets are a little bit low, and his neuropathy is bad, so his oncologist decided to just extend the break. It’s a double edge sword - last time he was off chemo for a few months, he developed many new metastases. On the other hand, his body needs to be able to recover and it’s nice to have a break.

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Got my hair colored Saturday (my hairdresser has just one person at a time in her shop and everybody masked). Glad I did because they closed hair salons again today. (They closed gyms again too which didn’t affect me because I’m not going back into my gym until this pandemic is resolved. frown ) Guess I’ll have to get used to my white roots aagain soon.

On another front - my son’s new kitten is just about the handsomest thing ever. He has fluffy white Maine Coon fur, seal points and Paul Newman blue eyes. He and my son’s older cat are getting along great. (According to my son, Maine Coon cats are known for having water resistant fur, which explains why the handsome kitten dries off so quickly after a bath).

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I've seen two patients this week who have what I'm calling post-Covid syndrome. Both had relatively moderate symptoms in the acute phase. Both are having lingering peculiar symptoms 4 months later - cognitive difficulties, fatigue, weird pains, GI issues. There are tons of patient online with similar long-term effects. Although they likely are just a minority of cases, it's disturbing (some SARS patients had problems for years after).

So far, out of about 20 symptomatic cases in my patients or their family members (none of which required hospitalization) I've seen Covid cause diabetes, orchitis (inflammation of the testicles which can result in infertility or low testosterone), and these two patients with long-term symptoms. The oldest of these four patients is 35. Also, one of my patients had a grandson diagnosed with kawasaki disease in April - I suspect that was MCIS, even though his tests were negative at the time. I haven't heard followup on his case yet.

Please beware of misinformation online. This is serious and you really want to avoid it if you can. None of my long-term well-tuned up patients has had these complications yet, which I hope is due to me making sure they have adequate vitamin D levels and B12.

B12 and niacinamide were shown in a computer model to be likely candidates for anti-Covid activity btw.

Stay safe and well out there folks. There's still so much we don't know about this virus. My nieces ECMO service is full in Portland.

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(BTW she lost a 36 year old previously healthy patient who was on ECMO recently)

kml #2900374 07/22/20 01:00 AM
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Can you imagine we have a 61 year old guy teaches on a vent at our hospital for 100 days today. He has no discharge plan as he is undocumented. He had 4 chest tubes and is down to one and he has severely fibrotic lungs. He will never come off the vent. And has no mean to pay for long term care, so he will likely be a resident of our hospital for life. Such a tough case.

Another 86 year old woman took a turn for the worse. She will probably go on GIP hospice tomorrow.

I don’t know that the diabetes is caused by actual COVID as much as the steroids raising the BS. I think n it might be too soon to say in any cases COVID is the cause of diabetes. Hasn’t been around long enough to have a big enough control group to get a pre and post COVID HgbAIC.

kml #2900375 07/22/20 01:01 AM
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I can never edit. “Trach to vent”

kml #2900378 07/22/20 01:20 AM
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The diabetic case was my son.He had what looked like a simple bronchitis. We thought at first it was the prednisone - he has bad asthma and has to take prednisone for a few days whenever he gets a URI. But usually he has no problems. This time his blood sugars went to 350-400 and he had blurry vision and a metallic taste in his mouth. The diabetes did not resolve once he stopped the prednisone - it's 5 months later and he still needs medication. A study on SARS patients showed 20 out of 39 developed diabetes. At a 3 year followup 3 still had diabetes. The pancreatic islet cells are rich in ACE2 receptors, the binding site for the virus.

kml #2900381 07/22/20 04:37 AM
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Wow...CV19 is the gift that just keeps on giving. Thanks for keeping us up to date KML. Hope the cases numbers start to decline really soon. (((HUGS)))

kml #2900395 07/22/20 01:02 PM
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There's a friend of mine who often posts on social media thoughts of love, solidarity and how COVID is a plot by Big Pharma and Bill Gates to implant mind control chips. They have been vocally anti-mask and anti-social distancing.

A recent post of their's though which I decided to respond to with a "PLEASE mask up" got a massive surge of people who really strongly pushed back on them. Sure there were some people who I will call nut-bars who responded saying that it was all a hoax or that "they" weren't worried because it was just the sniffles and they got smacked down too.

The original poster responded a couple of times with "love and kindness" but nothing else.

I do like that some people are speaking up for what I think is common sense. And this includes a lot of people who were originally on the "this is no big deal" bandwagon and in my rural, lightly affected region.

I don't know if they will change their own minds. We are now in a mandatory mask for inside spaces order so if they want groceries, a mask will be required. It's now changed here - because of the mandatory mask order - where seeing someone with no mask is now highly unusual.

Hope your niece is keeping safe in Portland. The news out of there - on a variety of topics - is extremely frightening.

You and your's are keeping safe? I would imagine that CMM is going bonkers trying to keep everyone around him sanitized wink


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Denial is an extraordinarily powerful human response. I saw the same thing during the start of the AIDS pandemic. People would rather believe bullsh*t than face the frightening reality of this virus. Worse here in the states because it has become a political statement to not wear a mask.

The reality has changed very little from my initial estimates. Deaths about 0.5% of all people infected, which sounds small until you multiply it by 200-300 million people. 9 out of 10 people will have a mild or asymptomatic case. But mortality doesn’t include morbidity and while most of my patients have recovered well, I’m a little unnerved by seeing two young women with “long- haul” symptoms out of my small sample.

My niece is very careful but also very paranoid. Since they lost her dad in September to sepsis, she’s terrified of losing another family member. Strips in the mud room and puts her clothes straight into the washer, then straight to the shower in her dedicated bathroom. She’s seen too much death already this year.

Last edited by job; 07/22/20 06:34 PM. Reason: edited language
kml #2900410 07/22/20 04:24 PM
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Oh and I've (mostly) mastered the habit of wiping the kitchen surfaces and handles down with a chlorox wipe before cooking. wink CMM has resorted to ordering groceries online since he's never satisfied with what we bring home (plus I think he just likes being back in control of something again). He's feeling a little friskier since he's had this break from Chemo - scheduled to start again on August 7th possibly.

kml #2900436 07/22/20 07:26 PM
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Originally Posted by kml
Denial is an extraordinarily powerful human response.

Deaths about 0.5% of all people infected, which sounds small until you multiply it by 200-300 million people.


While there are some out there that think covid is a hoax or whatever, there are also people who think the fact that we went to the moon is a hoax. They are the clear minority.

- All of the botched statistics
- Changes from nearly day-to-day from the very same people and groups saying masks are not needed and not recommended now saying the opposite.
- Only reporting positive and not negative results
- Reporting the same person being positive 5 times as 5 different people
-People getting positive results for tests they never took...

It's all of these things that have people not believing what they are being told and then also turning that into conspiracy theories.

So much of what has been done makes no sense. You can have 250 people go into a big box store to buy a mattress but you can't go into a mattress store with 3 other people to buy the very same mattress. Schools can't return to having children in them but daycare centers already have. The contradictions are endless.

Then the details are often not talked about. Yes the death rate seems to be about 0.5%. However, about 1/3 of those who have died are over the age of 85. They of course had/have other conditions that contributed. Less than 3% of deaths are under the age of 44 - yet we don't want teenagers exposed?????? 14 years and under make up 0.0143% - less than one seventh of one percent. A huge percentage of deaths have happened in nursing homes and extended care facilities. New York is a great example of this. There are always exceptions and you can always find one person who just does not fit the norm but it's so abundantly clear that the average person under 50 years old is going to do just fine with covid. It's when people try to claim otherwise that the naysayers start saying it's all made up.

Then there is masks. OMG. First it was wash your hands and save lives. Then stay home and save lives. Now, 4 plus months into this, it's now masks that are the golden savings to all of this. That's a crock! I'm not saying masks won't help or not to wear them. The problem is, somewhere around half the people I see wearing a mask is constantly touching it, adjusting it, taking it down to talk, eat, drink. They are hanging from one year, below the nose, below the mouth, flapping around, off, then back on, then back off, back on again. What good is this doing? But then, let's just say masks are somehow very, very effective if we somehow got people to actually wear them correctly. The bigger problem is a mask can only be effective on someone who has and is shedding covid - that's about 2% of the population. So for 98% of people wearing masks, THEY ARE USELESS because you can't block a virus from shedding that you don't have. So we are trying to shame or force or mandate 100% of people to wear masks that will only make a difference on about 2% of people. This is the only time in my 57 years on this planet that we have tried to quarantine well people. We always used to quarantine sick people. But under the guise of we don't' know who's sick and we don't know how it spreads and we don't know if someone covid positive with no systems can spread it - let's just use the shotgun approach and make EVERYONE effected. What a joke - everyone wear a mask even though really only 1 or 2 percent of you need to and will make any difference.

In the end, covid, after about six months, has worked it's way through absolutely no more than 10% of the world population. It's reported as way lower than that but I'm factoring in those who have it but were not tested. Let's even say it's hit 20% in 6 months. That means we are going to be dealing with this for YEARS - likely several to many years. It's not going away and if anything, all we are doing is slowing the inevitable spread. It's not going to go away - even if we get a vaccine which will likely not be 100% effective and for sure won't be accepted by more than 70% of the population - some say 50% in the first 18 months. COVID is with us for a long time whether we like it or not. The sooner we stop denying that and stop trying to change the universe, the better we are going to be. It is not killing millions like first predicted - that's a good thing. No, 0.5% death is nothing to be excited about although we are doing way better at treating it and again it's much more deadly for the elderly and vulnerable. Our efforts should be to protect them - not the 16 year old that has an overall 0.013% chance of dying from it.

But wear your masks if it makes you feel better - because frankly that's what it's doing mostly, making people FEEL better and FEEL safer because again, for 98% of the people wearing them, they are USELESS - and the sooner we stop denying that, the better for all of us.


DonH
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kml #2900446 07/22/20 08:46 PM
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Half the Covid hospitalizations in LA right now are under 40 years old. And besides deaths, I'm trying to point out that even when young people survive, there seems to be a significant number who have potentially chronic problems afterwards that we are only beginning to understand (this was true of many SARS patients too).

Wearing masks cuts transmission by 85% and that helps save lives of the most vulnerable (and likely reduce infertility and low testosterone in men who get this so you should be interested in that!). It also protects healthcare workers and reduced the strain on our ICUs. If everybody did it we would be able to reduce our transmission to European levels which would then allow us to do containment instead of just mitigation. The reason we are not open right now is because people are too stubborn to wear a mask and social distance.

(BTW Fauci was dead wrong to announce in the beginning that masks weren't necessary. This was done largely to keep people from buying up all the disposable masks so they could be saved for hospitals, but also out of deference to Trump who wanted to avoid panicking the markets by treating the pandemic as a real crisis. I objected to Fauci's statement at the time. We have always known masks decrease the spread of respiratory disease.)

BTW I don't consider 14,000 dead schoolchildren to be insignificant and I doubt their parents would either.

kml #2900450 07/22/20 08:57 PM
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(The difference between containment and mitigation for those who don't know:
If you get your numbers down low eough, like Europe has done, you can do containment: contact trace everybody who has been around an identified case, test them and quarantine them for to weeks if negative, That's impossible to do right now becaue we have way too many infections.

Mitigation is what you do when the infection is too widespread to do containment. You simply do what's necessary to reduce overall numbers - this is where the lockdowns come in. If everybody wore masks and social distanced we wouldn't need the lockdowns.

kml #2900460 07/22/20 10:31 PM
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BTW the problem with not wearing a mask is that you are infectious for days BEFORE you develop symptoms. So yes, we all need to wear masks because we cannot identify who is or is not spreading the virus at any given moment. Countries where mask wearing is accepted have done much better than we have with this virus and the WHO study showed 85% reduction in transmission with masks. People where I live wear them and most of them correctly in the stores I shop in so it can be done. It has to be done.

kml #2900461 07/22/20 10:34 PM
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I guess everyone in the operating room shouldn’t wear masks if they aren’t effective? Or the nurses going into the COVID rooms, because they don’t help?

kml #2900462 07/22/20 10:53 PM
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Of course it would help tremendously if our president did a public service announcement and demonstrated the proper way to wear a mask.

kml #2900466 07/22/20 11:55 PM
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I never said masks were not effective. NEVER. What I did say and what you and anyone else seems not to want to address is what good is a mask if 98% of the people wearing them don’t have the virus they are wearing the masks for in the first place? The masks for 98% wearing them are useless only because they don’t have covid in the first place.

I wore masks for years, N-95, Face shields, SCBA... those all were to protect ME not my patients. It’s the same in the OR Ginger which you certainly must know.

Again, it’s the failure to answer these points or create other distractions that perpetuate the naysayers. For the longest time it was stay home to save lives. Now it’s wear a mask. Wonder what will be next. Really I wonder what we’ll do two years from now when we still have covid - if our economy survives that long.


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kml #2900469 07/23/20 01:32 AM
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Don you failed to answer my point which is that we don't know which of those 100 people is shedding the virus at any given moment so yes, they all need to wear masks. Is that so much to ask? Just everybody wear a mask and we can get this under control and open back up. Don't take my word for it, new study out today:
" If people washed their hands regularly, wore masks, and kept their social distance from each other, these three simple behaviors could stop most all of the Covid-19 pandemic, even without a vaccine or additional treatments, according to a new study.

The study, published Tuesday in the journal PLoS Medicine, created a new model to look at the spread of the disease and prevention efforts that could help stop it." ......."Moreover, the effect of combinations of self-imposed measures is additive," the researchers wrote. "In practical terms, it means that SARS-CoV-2 will not cause a large outbreak in a country where 90% of the population adopts handwashing and social distancing that are 25% efficacious."

Look at the science.

Last edited by job; 07/23/20 01:46 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
kml #2900536 07/24/20 01:12 AM
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Wow, another work week flew by. Some errands tomorrow (getting a replacement part put on my car, meeting the junk hauler who's going to take some stuff I've got in my yard.)

CMM is feeling pretty frisky since he's been off chemo for more than a month so I need to think of something fun we can do that is still safe for him this weekend. I feel like I've made some headway on the long list of things I have to do on the weekends so I feel freer to relax this weekend.

Oddly I read an article today about some interior designer redecorating her new home after the trauma of a divorce. I really already kinda went through that when I moved into my new home after the divorce but it did make me feel inspired to think about some redecorating now in my home. Not that I have any money for that at present but I think I'll start collecting ideas. There's a great consignment store just down the street from my office with lots of nice furniture, I might start dropping in there looking for finds in the future once I've saved up some cash. It just somehow feels nice to think about spicing it up. I've been in such a "one-foot-in-front-of-the-other" since mom died last fall, but right now I feel a little break in that. It's nice.

kml #2900553 07/24/20 02:14 PM
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kml,

Another place to look for good finds is the Good Will. A friend of mine found some lovely things there and they were cheaper than if she had gone elsewhere, i.e., even yard sales.

Glad CMM is feeling better and hope he continues to be "frisky".


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2900555 07/24/20 03:37 PM
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Originally Posted by job
Another place to look for good finds is the Good Will. A friend of mine found some lovely things there and they were cheaper than if she had gone elsewhere, i.e., even yard sales.
And the proceeds go to a good charity. The quality can sometimes be pretty high too as the donor pool for the charity run second hand shops often gives them pretty good stuff. I that the charity that calls me and sends a truck every few months has gotten some pretty good stuff from me that I just don't want.


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kml #2900557 07/24/20 05:13 PM
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check out FB Marketplace.

Check out local realtors who stage properties, they are always moving inventory
I scored 4 gorgeous DR chairs that were like new for $160
I scored a gorgeous sofa for my LR that had been used in two listings only - $400

Check out letgo also


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
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D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
kml #2900566 07/25/20 01:57 AM
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Well I decided today that I’m not quite ready to invest in new furniture - both because of some more expenses looming (still need a new dishwasher , and youngest son has decided to increase therapy from once every three months to weekly for a while, which I’m THRILLED about, but I’m paying cash for. )

SO - I ordered a dark teal slipcover and some really cute covers for the throw pillows with sea creatures on them. I think it will spruce up the sofa (which IS comfy, just needs reupholstering ) and the room, plus gives me a chance to see if I like that color palette. $125 for everything is a lot more doable in my current budget.

And I’m glad I’m starting small, because unexpectedly, youngest son seems hesitant about change. The family room was decorated with my mom’s furniture (this was her couch and really probably the only one my kids remember her having). I showed him what I was buying because I wanted his opinion about one of the pillows (he has a good eye) and his immediate response was that he thought the color of the slipcover was too cold for the room. Then pointed out the things it wouldn’t go with - my mom’s easy chair (which I plan to replace with a rattan one from my room) and a painted child’s stool from his brothers grade school class auction, which just kinda ended up in the room , not really a design choice! Makes me realize he’s got an emotional attachment to grandmas room, so I’ll make an effort not to remove or change too many things.

kml #2900677 07/26/20 09:51 PM
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Interesting find yesterday. A little backstory - my father was married once before my mom, and I have two half brothers I never met from that relationship ( I never knew anything of them until I was about 12).

Supposedly, my father married her in part so she could get her citizenship (she was Swedish by way of Central America and had been in the US since her teens). His brother warned him against marrying her. The story that we heard as adults through my mom was that my father didn’t think the oldest boy was his and that led to the demise of the marriage. She moved to Florida and remarried and my dad moved up California and ended up marrying my mom.

My sister had heard that my dad kept some letters of his first wife’s that he felt proved her infidelity but that my mother destroyed them after he died (I didn’t know that).

So yesterday I find three letters that she must have missed! These are letters from my dads wife’s lover to his wife.

The first letter is December 29, 1940. He writes her to tell her he can’t do this anymore with another man’s wife. Her oldest son was born in September so she had to have gotten pregnant in December. I’m guessing he left then later she found out she was pregnant. She may not have known if it was my dad’s or her lovers child.

The other two letters are from summer 1943. (There were more that must have been destroyed because there’s an envelope that is postmarked a few days earlier than the letters). The letters were mailed to a post office box in her maiden name. He’s familiar and flirty. He remarks how happy he is she has moved back to New Orleans and makes plans to meet her. He mentions her oldest son and some statement of hers that sounds like she was promising him something when the boy was “more mature”. Visitation? Divorcing my dad and marrying the lover? She would have been 7 months pregnant with her second son at that time.

The lover was in the military, stationed in New Orleans. (My father didn’t serve because he had rheumatic heart disease.) Apparently my mother told my sister the lover was killed in the war but I don’t know that for sure. My father divorced her when the second boy was a toddler, apparently because he discovered the letters. She moved to Florida and married a judge who adopted the boys. They had a happy upbringing to hear him tell it

My sister has been in contact a little bit with our younger half brother online over the last few years. We have never mentioned any of this to him but now are weighing whether we should give him the option of knowing. (As in, we know something about their marriage that might change your view of it but are not sure if you want to know). We are trying to do a little more research first.

Ugh - my poor dad. I can only imagine what a punch in the gut it was for him to read those letters and find out the woman was raising two sons with had cheated on him in that way.




Last edited by job; 07/26/20 10:03 PM. Reason: corrected posting for kml
kml #2900718 07/27/20 02:08 PM
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Ah yes - infidelity - the gift that keeps giving. Even unto the umteenth generation.

I just got an email from someone who found me as a genetic match on gedmatch and wants to know how we're related. I have no clue - never heard of this family before, it's in a different part of the world.

I do know that even though my ex-wife assured me - as late as a number of months after her affair started - that she had always been faithful, you gotta wonder .... But I also know that I don't want to know.

I think that a lot more historical infidelity will come to light as genetic data becomes more ubiquitous. There's good solid reasons for knowing your actual ancestry for health conditions and such-like. But I'm sure it is quite the shock regardless.


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It’s called misattributed paternity and it’s not all that uncommon, at least historically. Lots of stories of people figuring it out when doing 23andme kits.

In this case, the boys didn’t really have a relationship with my dad, having not seen him since they were quite small and having had a loving stepfather they were bonded to. So I’m not worried that giving them this information will stir up too many feelings about dad. I’m just a little concerned about any effect it might have in how they view their mom.

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Quote
I just got an email from someone who found me as a genetic match on gedmatch and wants to know how we're related. I have no clue - never heard of this family before, it's in a different part of the world.


Does gedmatch give you an estimate of how closely related you are? I had someone contact me who was like a third cousin. She had a black Haitian mother and a white Canadian father. My mother's parents were both French Canadian heritage. Fortunately, I have a detailed family tree of my grandfather's family going all the way back to France in the 1700's. She only knew a little about her Canadian grandfather but with that info I was able to close a gap and show her exactly which ancestor connected her to the larger family tree. Let me know if you need any help figuring it out, I'm aces at genetics. Who knows, we might be related if you have any French Canadian heritage. One of the family names is one that was very prolific in Canada but almost always traces back to just two brothers, so virtually anybody with that last name on this continent is related.

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Originally Posted by kml
Does gedmatch give you an estimate of how closely related you are? I had someone contact me who was like a third cousin.
It said 4th or 5th cousin. I'm fairly familiar with the geneology going back that far and couldn't match up to the geography. He's in Arizona and while I had an "Uncle George" that vanished off to California under a cloud of mystery and suspicion after the town he helped found accidentally and not on purpose burned to the ground one night, that didn't match up. He was trying to establish a link to an ancestor born in NYC but none of mine spent much time there and about 20 years or so outside the time he was looking for.

Originally Posted by kml
Who knows, we might be related if you have any French Canadian heritage. One of the family names is one that was very prolific in Canada but almost always traces back to just two brothers, so virtually anybody with that last name on this continent is related.
I think S finds it amusing / frustrating when I'll mention someone and refer to them as a "cousin". My family settled here in the 1820s after being booted out of Venezuela as "drunken idle Scotsmen". This was a pretty isolated area and we all intermarried. So - most of the "old" families I'm related to. I'm my own cousin as well in fact. Which might explain some things laugh

My root ancestry goes back as far as I know also to 2 brothers who were Huguenot refugees who settled in Scotland. One in Dundee and one in Aberdeen. My roots go back to the Dundee branch where a distant relative was the last person burned at the stake as a witch. The Aberdeen group was the one that did well and have financially successful descendants. Unfortunately one thing we tend to be poor at is having sons to pass on the name. S25 - until my nephew was recently born - was the last male of his line going back about 4 generations.

As an aside and getting back to more "DB" type things, I think that one of my ex-wife's biggest challenges was the fact that I have such deep roots here and people care - a lot - about who you are and who you are related to. And what you did to them / said about them.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
kml #2900760 07/27/20 08:20 PM
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A fourth cousin would only share a great great great grandparent with you - plenty of generations for the geographical change to have happened. If they are actually a fifth cousin then it would be a great great great great grandparent that you have in common.

So look back at those generations of the family tree (assuming you have established which side of your family they are related on. If you have close relatives on gedmatch you can infer that from which side matches. Example - I knew the Haitian gal was on my mother's side because she also showed up as a match for my mom. Now, if your parents were related to each other it gets murkier.

kml #2900855 07/28/20 09:44 PM
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Starting a new thread I Will Survive!
Continuation of the WW@ romance saga.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...flat&Number=2900854&#Post2900854

kml #2900856 07/28/20 09:44 PM
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WW2

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