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#2893241 04/24/20 09:55 PM
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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2892396&page=10

I'll start by expressing my frustrations over COVID. Our governor just had a press conference a couple of hours ago and while this is an ever changing situation our offices will remain closed and we will continue to work work part time. I just got off the phone with HR and she's just as frustrated as we are. I told her half of us want to work, we're sick of this, we're behind and this can't continue. My anxiety just shot up and I can't think straight.

Rant over.

I'll post replies later after I've eaten something....oh wait that might be my problem. I haven't eaten anything today and it's 5pm. My bad.

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Were you truly happy happy when you did have someone? It seems to me you weren’t.......


Ginger you know all about my childhood and the struggles I've had with my kids since I got here. Seems like a lifetime ago but it was only Dec.

No I wasn't truly happy when I had someone <slaps forehead> why is it so hard to remember this? I read this blog and she says people like me take the crumbs we're given and make happiness out of it. It's fake happiness because it isn't real. It's just this fantasy, this projection of how I wanted it to be all while denying the reality of my situation. She also says that since I have the ability to create happiness out of nothing then I can do it again only this time the goal is to tie it to me not another man.

I don't like this answer only because I don't know how to do that.....yet. I love the idea of being happy alone but dang I just can't see it. I look around and everyone I know is partnered up. Drives me crazy.

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My mom never whined or complained about her life.


When I asked that question the only person I could think of was my grandmother. She had a rough life and she never complained. Not once. I could bring her a .99 milkshake and you'd think it was a million dollars. She was just grateful for everything and happy despite being widowed for 15 years before she passed away. She died of pancreatic cancer and none of us knew meaning she didn't go to the doctor until she just couldn't take it anymore. The drs say she must have been in a lot of pain but she never said a word. We remember her losing a lot of weight but that was it. She died that night in the hospital but not before making us all leave first. She didn't want us to remember her that way. She wanted to talk about decorating the Christmas tree and said she'd see us later.

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Just because everyone is being partnered, doesn’t mean everyone is happy. Remover that

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Yeah especially in the FB era, a lot of people’s lives look better on FB than they really are.

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Kas, you need to take time to heal yourself and your children before you think of dating again, especially with your history. Maybe make a promise to yourself that for the next two years you will focus on nurturing and increasing your friendships with women, and not date. There will be time for that later, and if you date right now, you’re likely to fall into your same old patterns.

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Originally Posted by kml
Yeah especially in the FB era, a lot of people’s lives look better on FB than they really are.

I have one friend who’s husband posts all the time and you would think perfect family. Well, he got drunk last night and after a fight posted a FB suicide message . He didn’t do it, but it was dramatic. Turns out things aren’t as rosy as represented on social media

One cousin who is always posting pictures where you would think she has the perfect life, well, her husband was a raging alcoholic . He has very recently sobered up, but you would never from FB.

I’ve been working with a different set of coworkers this week. One can truly not stand her husband after 40 years of marriage. Her and another say they would save their dogs before their own husbands in a house fire .

You know social media is everyone’s best or what everyone else wants to thing. You must know that.

Lately, while I can feel the loneliness at times, I realize I’m probably much happier than most of these couples.

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Originally Posted by kml
Kas, you need to take time to heal yourself and your children before you think of dating again, especially with your history. Maybe make a promise to yourself that for the next two years you will focus on nurturing and increasing your friendships with women, and not date. There will be time for that later, and if you date right now, you’re likely to fall into your same old patterns.


I got involved with 2 men (online) after H left and yes I fell into the same patterns. Decided to fix this so I quit. After 4 months I lost the urge to find a replacement. As a precaution I avoid romance novels, highly sexualized movies or shows. I’m not currently interested in men.

My thoughts are irrational I think I need a man to take care of me but I don’t want one. After 4 decades it feels pretty good to be free. I’m sad though and I worry that the only path to happiness is another R. It’s all I’ve ever known. Does this make sense?

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Just because everyone is being partnered, doesn’t mean everyone is happy. Remover that


You’re right. One coworker remarried too soon after her last divorce. She lets it slip every once in a while that he’s also a raging alcoholic. Another’s husband cheated but she took him back. They both seem miserable. My sister is on marriage #3 and she’s more unhappy than ever. My parents and Hs parents we’re unhappily married.

Why is it so hard to remember these things?

Thanks ginger for this reality check. smile

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Oh two more. Both my SILs are partnered up and it’s misery central. One couple barely tolerates each other. The other isn’t married it’s more of a gold digger situation. She’s divorced and bitter but has a lot of money. She found a man who lets her treat him badly because he needs her financially. I used to get second hand embarrassment being anywhere near him. I think the divorce she didn’t want made her become a sadist. Her ex cheated on her for 14 years before she caught him. He had this whole other life that no one knew about. We were all stunned.

Why do I think a partner = happiness? Right now my thoughts are drifting to having someone would be so nice. Ugh

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It will only be nice if you are healed and healthy. Do that first. Then a couple years from now you’ll make healthier choices if you do want a man.

I have a friend who attends SLAA meetings (12 step meetings for sex and love addiction). Her problem isn’t with the sex side of it, but the love side. She’s slow to get involved but once she’s attached to someone she has a terrible time with fantasizing about them, and if the relationship breaks up, it takes her forever to let go.

She would keep repeating patterns from her childhood. Her mother died when she was 6 or 7 and her father promptly married a much younger woman. She had been the apple of her father’s eye, the focus of his sole attention, then suddenly he was in this enmeshed relationship and the kids were pretty emotionally neglected.

As an adult, she has re-enacted that drama twice by falling in love with men who were married. The first was supposedly in an “open” marriage (in retrospect she realizes his wife was just trying to keep him by accommodating him) and eventually he left his wife and married my friend. On a primitive level it was like she “won” her dad back from the stepmom. Years later, when her husband was in a nursing home with early onset dementia from a brain injury (he died there eventually) she started a fling with a semi-famous guy she knew. He minimized his relationship with another woman - only later did she realize that girlfriend was a 20-year serious relationship that was a marriage in everything but name. It stirred up her same childhood triangle issues but this time she was more aware and eventually broke it off. But it took her about a year and a half to stop fantasizing about him and continual effort to not contact him.

Maybe it’s a group that could be helpful to you. Everybody has online meetings these days.

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I have said to you before that everyone has to work through things on their own timeline but again I see kml is giving SPOT ON advice. G did as well. You say you aren’t interested in men right now and I totally get it. When I was going through D and even after it was final, George Strait himself could’ve shown up at my door in those yummy tight starched Wranglers and that perfectly shaped cowboy hat and I would not have let him in. I just had NO desire to have anything whatsoever to do with men. I used that time to work on myself. I went to counseling, spent more time with friends, found my love for reading again (I had set it aside because hubs was jealous when I would get lost in a book), worked on all sorts of craft projects and cooked a lot and would then take what I cooked to work to share with everyone since I lived alone and didn’t want to eat it all myself.

Then, one day, nearly a year later (11 months to be exact, almost to the day), it was like a switch flipped inside me and I felt ready to date, have sex, etc. If King George had shown up that day he’d most certainly have gotten quite the go. wink

You are on your own timeline but I tell you all that to say that you have to heal yourself, learn to love yourself, and be happy with yourself before you can stand strong in a new relationship. There is nothing wrong with taking the time to work on yourself, focus on your kids, and just act like men don’t exist for awhile, outside of family, co-workers, and friends.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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I have a friend who attends SLAA meetings (12 step meetings for sex and love addiction). Her problem isn’t with the sex side of it, but the love side. She’s slow to get involved but once she’s attached to someone she has a terrible time with fantasizing about them, and if the relationship breaks up, it takes her forever to let go.


This is relatable although I moved fast.

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She would keep repeating patterns from her childhood.


Same.

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Maybe it’s a group that could be helpful to you. Everybody has online meetings these days.


I signed up for one this week actually. I'll see how it goes.

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You say you aren’t interested in men right now and I totally get it.


This isn't entirely true. I've fantasized about a few men I've met through work but it's just old patterns trying to reemerge. I see it. I'm still seeking someone to take care of me to make me feel better about myself. There was this one man who I swear felt the same way about me but or it may have been wishful thinking on my part thankfully he retired. Met another married attorney who was very flirty with me. People at work teased me about it said "he seems like a kas kind of man". True. I made a conscious effort to avoid him after that.

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You are on your own timeline but I tell you all that to say that you have to heal yourself, learn to love yourself, and be happy with yourself before you can stand strong in a new relationship. There is nothing wrong with taking the time to work on yourself, focus on your kids, and just act like men don’t exist for awhile, outside of family, co-workers, and friends.


I need to be alone to heal. I get it. I don't like it but I get it.

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PSA if you're looking for a binge worthy tv show I recommend the Outer Banks, a netflix original. It's a nice distraction from my life. I say this because if anyone has any other suggestions I'd appreciate them. No overt sex scenes but I can fast forward if there aren't too many (You or Greys Anatomy). No romances but I'm okay with things like New Girl or Friends where it's just casual. I kinda enjoyed Tiger Kings and Don't eff with cats was amazing. I have Netflix, Amazon prime and Starz.

I'm in a small house, on lockdown, forced to work part time and D17 likes tv too. Oh and I stay up entirely too late.

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I have a bunch of books, online blogs and boards like this. I try to cook and bake but my energy levels just aren't there yet. I love documentaries too, Ted talks, podcasts, but here's the thing I need to avoid being triggered. I've gotten afraid. I started watching this one movie that got great reviews and seemed positive but in the end she got the guy. Ugh. Watched another happiness ted talk and he says people who are married/in relationships are happier than those that aren't. Really?? This one documentary was called Happiness or something like that. I've watched it 3 times already.

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Watch Ozarks

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Watched another happiness ted talk and he says people who are married/in relationships are happier than those that aren't.


Don’t remember the source but I think a study showed this was only true for the men.

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Or maybe it was that only men have better health in a marriage.

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Originally Posted by kml
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Watched another happiness ted talk and he says people who are married/in relationships are happier than those that aren't.


Don’t remember the source but I think a study showed this was only true for the men.


I believe that’s it mostly men too.

I’ve finally come to realize I’m single so long because I cannot find a man who makes my life better than I make it.

I expect a lot from a man because I don’t need one.

My ultimate relationship will be the one who truly adds to my life, not makes my life. I already made my life and happiness

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Originally Posted by Ginger1

My ultimate relationship will be the one who truly adds to my life, not makes my life. I already made my life and happiness

Brava G! xoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Originally Posted by kml
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Watched another happiness ted talk and he says people who are married/in relationships are happier than those that aren't.


Don’t remember the source but I think a study showed this was only true for the men.


I'm stretching the truth a bit but in my defense that ted talk did trigger me. He clarified that it was the quality of our relationships that made people happy not so much your marital status but all I heard was married people are happier. I responded by vowing to be more careful about what I watch or read.

I research everything and marriage alone does not make people happier. There is a spike of happiness right before marriage and for 2 years afterwards then you're back to your baseline happiness. Relationships matter but being happy before getting into one matters more.

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Originally Posted by LH19
Watch Ozarks


Adding it to my watch list. I'm scared to watch anything now unless someone recommends it. I thought TED talks would be safe but I was wrong. I remember when H first left I couldn't turn on the tv for weeks because while I needed the distraction everything triggered me. D17 finally suggested I watch cartoons so I started with Phineas and Ferb. I've since healed enough that I can watch real shows but only certain ones. I still watch a lot of cartoons. smile

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Revisionist History, podcast by Malcolm Gladwell is amazing.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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I just realized what H is trying to do. Joint custody means no CS so that means he wouldn’t have to pay me more than he is now. My L didn’t catch that she just said the agreement didn’t have alimony but it did just not until after he retires. She barely read that thing because until she gets his financials there is nothing to negotiate.

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Crying as I write this. I woke up this morning and thought I'm never going to get better. I'm stuck slogging through life while his life is just fabulous. He didn't have to give up anything but a few stinking dollars in support. He'll build another house, buy a shiny new truck, marry someone else, travel, etc. I get to figure out how to feed myself on $50 a week while he and his new wife are deciding which tile would look better in the master bathroom.

I picked up the book The Power of Now to find comfort and it said "you think you can't get there (happy) from where and who you are at this moment because you are not complete or good enough..." This is when I started sobbing.

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Hey kas,

I really don't know your history just yet, but I'm sorry you're experiencing those feelings. Just wanted to pop in for support and say you aren't along in feeling them. I know I've had similar feelings in the past. While I'm probably better off in the long run than my ex is financially, its been a struggle the last few years watching her buy a house and move in with her bf. I basically started over from nothing, while she kept most of the few things we had. Also, with the help of her bf she was able to get a house. He wasn't the guy she left me for, but started dating him a year after BD, less than 2 months after we separated physically. They're still together, they have a house and i'm sure post on fb an image of a nice, perfect life together. Remember, nothing is as it appears, I doubt your ex is really that happy. Even so, eventually you wont care one way or another.

Early on I had some intense feelings on not feeling good enough and wondering why am I living in a shitty apartment, taking care of my kids on my own, single while they seem to have things so good. I think for most of us the lack of consequences is what hurts the most, it feels like their decisions and the damage is justified. Over time those feelings mostly faded, they do fade in time. I'm not going to say its quick, but they do fade. Now its just an occasional sting that comes and goes in the matter of a few seconds. Furthermore, I really don't mind if they end up successful and happy forever, it would actually be the best thing for my kids to avoid instability. Something that's helped put things into perspective recently was a quote, I forget where it comes from and its hard to grasp in the middle of those emotions, but it does help. Basically its "you wont feel this way forever". There's another similar one by Rikle "Let everything happen to you / Beauty and terror / Just keep going / No feeling is final".

What I'm learning is there is truth to this, no feeling is final nor will it last forever, good or bad. It helps me to accept some feelings, even if they hurt, because I know I'll survive them. Anyway, just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in those thoughts/feelings and hope you feel better.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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I really don't know your history just yet


H isn't a good person but I never thought he'd leave. I was doing good but last week I found out who the OW is and I got his property settlement offer back. Evidently he wants me to live in my car but it's fine that's why I have a pit bull for a lawyer. I knew early on he was delusional.

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While I'm probably better off in the long run than my ex is financially, its been a struggle the last few years watching her buy a house and move in with her bf. I basically started over from nothing, while she kept most of the few things we had. Also, with the help of her bf she was able to get a house. He wasn't the guy she left me for, but started dating him a year after BD, less than 2 months after we separated physically. They're still together, they have a house and i'm sure post on fb an image of a nice, perfect life together. Remember, nothing is as it appears, I doubt your ex is really that happy. Even so, eventually you wont care one way or another.


Mentally I'll be better off than H is financially only because with him enough is never enough. Physically he will always have more money than me by a lot. He told me I could take whatever I wanted so I did. It will sting when he buys another house since it already stinks that his rental is nicer than mine. I don't think H is happy only because he wasn't happy before but my imagination runs wild.

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Early on I had some intense feelings on not feeling good enough and wondering why am I living in a shitty apartment, taking care of my kids on my own, single while they seem to have things so good. I think for most of us the lack of consequences is what hurts the most, it feels like their decisions and the damage is justified. Over time those feelings mostly faded, they do fade in time. I'm not going to say its quick, but they do fade. Now its just an occasional sting that comes and goes in the matter of a few seconds. Furthermore, I really don't mind if they end up successful and happy forever, it would actually be the best thing for my kids to avoid instability. Something that's helped put things into perspective recently was a quote, I forget where it comes from and its hard to grasp in the middle of those emotions, but it does help. Basically its "you wont feel this way forever". There's another similar one by Rikle "Let everything happen to you / Beauty and terror / Just keep going / No feeling is final".


Getting dumped after 30 years together is a huge injustice. He's in his peak years while I'm this middle aged has been. I get tossed aside for a younger model and yeah it hurts.

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I get tossed aside for a younger model and yeah it hurts.


Fwiw though, Kas, every guy I've dated since my divorce except for one has been younger. Some by a little - current boyfriend is just 4 years younger - some by - well - a whole lot. Not something I was deliberately seeking, just seems to have worked out that way. Don't make assumptions about your future ok? I could have someone 19 years younger than me like my ex did, I'm just not really interested in that.

Just focus on being the best you that you can be. Living well really IS the best revenge. (Btw, speaking of revenge, did you watch She Devil yet?)

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Fwiw though, Kas, every guy I've dated since my divorce except for one has been younger. Some by a little - current boyfriend is just 4 years younger - some by - well - a whole lot. Not something I was deliberately seeking, just seems to have worked out that way. Don't make assumptions about your future ok? I could have someone 19 years younger than me like my ex did, I'm just not really interested in that.


You know the 2 men I got involved with after H left? One of them was 39. I'm 54. He was cute but it's not my thing either. Being replaced by some young thing is the worst. I used to think I looked better than H and now I'm not so sure.

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Just focus on being the best you that you can be. Living well really IS the best revenge. (Btw, speaking of revenge, did you watch She Devil yet?)


I've seen it but I did rewatch The Other Woman. This week has been rough. So very rough.

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This hurts so much and yet when I’m lucid I know I’m better off without him. My kids don’t even miss him.

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Kas -

I had the same feelings years ago. I get it. 3 years ago. I was so upset that ex was in a relationship and had a much easier life with a house and minimal childcare responsibilities (after he screwed us over financially) I even remember how they took a trip with her daughter and my son and when I texted ex mil to see how my son was doing - she sent me a picture of the 2 kids playing together! Like wtf?

But anyway - heard through son how that ex gf (not an OW) was drilling my son about who he spent his weekend with. My son told me his dad broke up with her because she shouldn’t have been asking my son those questions. She was asking my son those questions because ex was not being honest with her and she was suspicious. He was telling her he was with son when he was with someone else. (Ex barely spends time with son) Well - a week later there’s a new and younger girl hanging out with ex and my son (on the few days he actually takes son).

Now -I don’t feel upset, I just pity the younger woman who is wasting her limited childbearing years on him - cause he will f her over too.

Once they f over their wives - it becomes easier to do the same to their new girlfriends. I notice they don’t wait as long to do so. Kind of like serial killers. The first murder is the hardest and takes the most planning , but then they get a taste for it.

So, try to reframe your thought patterns. Be happy that he is out of your life - because you know what’s in store for any woman that he ends up with. They don’t change - they get sneakier. I would never date a man that was cheating on his wife. He’s not a prize. He’s not some type of catch. So be happy you are rid of him and focus on building yourself up and your own path.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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I had the same feelings years ago. I get it. 3 years ago. I was so upset that ex was in a relationship and had a much easier life with a house and minimal childcare responsibilities (after he screwed us over financially)


I'm still keeping score. I was upset at first being a single mom but now I see he has to bribe them to spend time with him. Point to me.

How do you get past the financial screwing? My H gets a new R which eventually comes with a 2nd income which leads to a new house and an easier life. Point to him.

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He was telling her he was with son when he was with someone else. (Ex barely spends time with son) Well - a week later there’s a new and younger girl hanging out with ex and my son (on the few days he actually takes son).


(Remember I'm only a year out). See if/when this happens I'm going to be even more upset because this means my H gets a 2nd chance at life dating until he finds someone wonderful to marry. He gets a complete do over.

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Now -I don’t feel upset, I just pity the younger woman who is wasting her limited childbearing years on him - cause he will f her over too.

Once they f over their wives - it becomes easier to do the same to their new girlfriends. I notice they don’t wait as long to do so. Kind of like serial killers. The first murder is the hardest and takes the most planning , but then they get a taste for it.


I don't give a flip about the OW but I am bothered by the part where H wins. Gets to love bomb and be love bombed. Gets the perpetual high of ego strokes, in that new house with all the money meanwhile I feel like my life is over. My life is rice/beans, crappy rental houses, and being alone.

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So, try to reframe your thought patterns. Be happy that he is out of your life - because you know what’s in store for any woman that he ends up with. They don’t change - they get sneakier. I would never date a man that was cheating on his wife. He’s not a prize. He’s not some type of catch. So be happy you are rid of him and focus on building yourself up and your own path.


I'm trying I really am. The only thing that helps is knowing he probably won't be happier. He's a bottomless pit of I'll be happy when....but when that shiny thing wears off he has to find a new shiny thing. Cars, boats, campers, vacations, multiple houses, big houses, new jobs, promotions and now it's a new woman. 30 years of this (OW is new). Juggling the money to pay for all this took me several hours a week. I did all this just to have him leave?? Seriously?? Then my thoughts strangle me by telling me that he will find this amazing, younger, prettier OW who of course has more disposable income and she will be rewarded by getting the prince I worked so hard to get.

Yes logically I know I'm being ridiculous emotionally I think you know that he won. He gets his happily ever after while I get screwed.

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You know, Kas I’m going to straighten with you.

You say your ex keeps looking for the new shiny thing to make him happy..... but you kind of do the same thing. You are looking for something, anything outside of yourself for you happiness as well. Whether it be your H, or wanting him to be miserable to make you happy, you are looking for something outside of yourself.

You both are doing the same thing. You had the point where you were looking to other men. And now he’s looking to another woman. Neither of you are looking inward.

Your can’t control him and how he likes the next shiny thing . But you can control how you look for it!

You have a job. You have your kids . You can find some hobbies. I know you are working on it. Sometimes we don’t even realize we are doing it when we do

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Kas I am so sorry you are struggling but with your thought process you are never going to "win".

You've done enough research to know that you make your own happiness in life. What your STBX has no bearing on your happiness what so ever.

If you must play this game with him then play to win and beat him in the happiness game.

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You know, Kas I’m going to straighten with you.

You say your ex keeps looking for the new shiny thing to make him happy..... but you kind of do the same thing. You are looking for something, anything outside of yourself for you happiness as well. Whether it be your H, or wanting him to be miserable to make you happy, you are looking for something outside of yourself.

You both are doing the same thing. You had the point where you were looking to other men. And now he’s looking to another woman. Neither of you are looking inward.


You're 1000% right I do this. I was texting my support group leader yesterday about this. I cannot get it through my head that I will ever be happy without a man in my life yet the old me that did find 2 men doesn't exist anymore. Then I cycle back to H thinking somehow it would be different with him now but he hasn't changed. I can't go back (won't work anyway) and I don't know how to move forward either. Does this make any sense??

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You have a job. You have your kids . You can find some hobbies. I know you are working on it. Sometimes we don’t even realize we are doing it when we do


I'm fully aware which only frustrates me. All I do is imagine how great H's life is in comparison to mine. Pity party, whine, pathetic I know.

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Originally Posted by LH19
Kas I am so sorry you are struggling but with your thought process you are never going to "win".

You've done enough research to know that you make your own happiness in life. What your STBX has no bearing on your happiness what so ever.

If you must play this game with him then play to win and beat him in the happiness game.


**I post these things over and over because I want to get this. Logically I get it emotionally I do not**

Anyway I keep thinking about your post from the other day. I texted my support group leader yesterday and said "isn't this whole inner peace crap for people with family, a SO and enough money to support themselves?" How do I possibly fill the void left by H with book clubs and sewing?

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Kas,

What was my post from the other day?

I can tell you for a fact I know 3 middle age woman right now who are married, have kids and money and are miserable as fuch. I am gonna go out on a limb and say so were you 2-3 years ago.

So it has nothing to do with the marriage and family dynamic. Its your mindset. I know it's not easy to change your thoughts. I know what it's like to think about what could have been. The suffering comes from not accepting reality.

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Kas, maybe you need something to focus on besides your divorce.

I focused on learning to play the drums.

You could focus on learning a new skill, or building a side hustle, or writing a book, or training to climb a mountain. Set some big goal and start working on it. It'll focus your mind elsewhere which is very helpful.

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Well, I have a career and work an extra job to make it work, and well, it works. I fill my time with some hobbies, friends, my kid, etc.

You have a job. You will get alimony and child support. I don’t mean to pry or have this come off mean. But are you really living in poverty? Or is it a perceived poverty because it’s not the lifestyle you were living ? Or because he will live better than you? Are you really in that bad of shape? Or is it just in comparisons to how you were living ?

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You have a job. You will get alimony and child support. I don’t mean to pry or have this come off mean. But are you really living in poverty? Or is it a perceived poverty because it’s not the lifestyle you were living ? Or because he will live better than you? Are you really in that bad of shape? Or is it just in comparisons to how you were living ?


Ginger you've been calling me out on my bs since I got here and while my ego hates it sometimes I know this is how I get better.

As of right now my budget (on paper) says I have $350 left over each month and this is my bare bones budget. This budget isn't sustainable long term and I knew that before I rented this house. Yeah it's a crappy house but it's in a nice neighborhood and I was smart enough to discuss this with my L before I did this. He will have to pay me alimony it's just a matter of how much and when. A house in the ghetto will save me $300 a month so it's not like I went all out. I'm living lean.

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Oh Kas.
I’m loving the replies folks are giving you because it’s all true. With that, I so empathize with what you are feeling and experiencing.

There’s something about dealing with the unjustness of it all. It’s not right.

My ex discarded me and his life was not upended at all. In fact he was able to buy multiple houses,cars, motorcycles etc and I was left trying to decide if I needed groceries or gas more because I couldn’t afford both.. I had to borrow money for rent.

It was so difficult to stop comparing my experience to his. To this day (and I’m 5 years in), I still struggle with it.
But shiny things don’t make a good life. They don’t. I have no relationship with my ex but from what I gather based on how he has reacted this whole time, it’s not all roses for him.

I feel so grateful to have peace in my heart. My life post-marriage has so much more meaning. And when those feelings of jealousy creep up about the financial ease and the hardship I was thrown into as a result of his actions, I just tell myself “the best revenge is a life well lived.” And it helps to rid me of any energy I continue to give to him.

I share that with you because it helps to know you are not alone in this. You are not alone with your feelings about the matter and I get how much it stinks but it will be OK.


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
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By bare bones I mean mostly the 4 walls. In 6 months my dryer died, had to have a tooth removed, an expensive car repair, etc. I saved up $7k for legal fees before he kicked me and the kids out of our home. I've been using that to cover expenses above the 4 walls while I wait for more support. We don't go anywhere now due to COVID so I'm back saving while we live on Ragu and canned fruit. I bought powdered milk, flour and baking supplies so they have plenty of treats. My kids understand and they have not complained once. They know a divorce isn't cheap and know how much I've saved. There is a game plan and they are a part of it. They want a nicer house too. smile

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Ok - so what kind of side hustle could you do to earn an extra $300 a month (preferably under the table right now so it doesn't figure into your income for alimony)? Sounds like that would make a significant difference in your life.

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Originally Posted by LH19
Kas,

What was my post from the other day?

I can tell you for a fact I know 3 middle age woman right now who are married, have kids and money and are miserable as fuch. I am gonna go out on a limb and say so were you 2-3 years ago.

So it has nothing to do with the marriage and family dynamic. Its your mindset. I know it's not easy to change your thoughts. I know what it's like to think about what could have been. The suffering comes from not accepting reality.


LH,

It's hard to type right now without crying. I have cried more this past week than I think I have since he left.

It was your post about not being average. About getting back up after life handed me a horrific blow and you're right about me being miserable before and it was way longer than I care to admit.

Words are no longer forming in my head so I'm going to go home and ponder this some more. I don't want to do this anymore. Ugh.

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I can tell you for a fact I know 3 middle age woman right now who are married, have kids and money and are miserable as fuch.


Did want to tell you thanks for this laugh. Love it.

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kas,

It's normal you would be crying and this impact you so much, its normal for all of us to have an emotional reaction to having our lives torn apart. You go into and commit to a M with expectations and hopes of what a future will be, then one day its all taken away. Those things you mention that you lost, the things you feel now were the only way you would be happy in the future, they're the life you expected to have and its natural to grieve losing that. Its painful and unfair, but its the reality of the situation that you cant nor shouldn't deny. What you thought would be is gone, but there's now space for something new for you to make with it as you please.

What I will say is, again, you wont always feel this way. It wont always hurt this much. My ex was my high school sweet heart and my first everything. After BD I wanted to die, the pain was just too terrible to live with at the time and I was very close if not suicidal. I grieved, and over time each intense cycle of that grief would lose a bit of its pain. You just have to look back to see it, while you're in it, it just doesn't feel like its getting better.

I think the first year and a half were the worst for me as I still held onto my ex as the only possibility of the future I thought I'd be happy with. Its not, shes not. I know things aren't that simple, but eventually you have to grieve the future that's gone and start being open to the possibility of something new, and better, waiting for you. It may not be exactly as you think nor in the timeline you want, but its there. I wont say I still don't hurt, I have scars from BD that play into some of the other pain from my past. But its just a twinge when I think about my ex. I'm at a point where I where the majority of me truly hopes she ends up happy, even if its with a guy she starting dating only 2 months after we physically separated. I don't miss the life I could have had with ex. I don't miss her. Sometimes I miss being in a R, but as I got more and more space from my situation I realized I never had a healthy R anyway. Some of that was her, some of it was me.

The score keeping will only make things worse for you, its just not productive or effective. You cant be certain how good or bad his life really is, even if it looks perfect from the outside. FB can portray a perfect relationship, but that's rarely the reality, not that you could see all of it. And even on the off chance if he better off going forward, it has absolutely no bearing or comparison on what your life could be. Don't compare his outcome (that you cant ever fully see or know) to yours!


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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You have stated many times that your ex lived well beyond his means. So, you were on borrowed time. Eventually all that overspending was going to come to a head. It is better it is happening now so you can regain control of your financial house. Having only 300 left/month and living within your (modest) means is (way) better than living high off the hog when that is not sustainable nor real. It’s what LH says about adjusting to your reality because the truth is your high standard of living was a total facade.

This guy is no prize as you yourself know. Did you ever write all those things he is on your mirror the way KML advised? You need to do so in order to reverse the brainwashing.

That said, you are here for a reason. Everything we need is inside us. We control our happiness. We control our outlook on life. It’s best to get out of our own heads. My advice? Give yourself a certain amount of time for a pity party, set the clock to 15 minutes. Then, every time your mind ruminates, exhaust yourself in other ways. Go walk or run up steep hills. Walk listening to stories of those who survived the holocaust. I just watched a quick history on Princess Alice of Battenberg. She was the great- granddaughter of Queen Victoria (mother of Queen Elizabeth’s husband, Philip) and ended up totally displaced/nomadic for years of her life! She was locked against her will in an insane asylum for years and missed all four of her daughters weddings. She was experimented on physically. She turned that around to a life of service and incredible fortitude. Maybe try looking to stories of inspiration vs. looking in the rear view mirror at your ex.

You can do this! You already are doing it! You are surviving each and every moment and getting stronger.


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BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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My ex drives a luxury car - got his moms house (we live in an area where homes/taxes are just not affordable) and I had to move in with my parents. My lawyers totally took advantage of me. 20 grand for an uncontested divorce and no custody battle - because I was so emotionally distressed. We didn’t discover all his 700 dollar a weak withdrawals until the very end and I couldn’t afford to pursue that. He only takes son less then 20 percent of the time - so working extra for me and being able to be there for my son is pretty impossible. Instead i work 2 part time jobs in order to finagle hours so My son isn’t in permanent before/after school care but this means I have little retirement. Ex constantly gives me stories about why his checks are late too. I basically live like a knocked up teenager. ( I am a physical therapist - so I do have a pretty good education and was never one to live beyond my means) my ex was doing all sorts of sketchy stuff with our finances for years and i just trusted him and was so sleep deprived with my son and job - I just never had time to check him. And he was always deflecting.

I was constantly on here angry, - I am admittedly a justice junkie - and it was just unfair. He gets an easy life. Not fair. Got to date young girls with purple fu’ing hair. He would bring back oversized shirts for our son from all these big band concerts he was going to.

The only thing that helped was when I lied in bed next to my son and enjoyed that moment of snuggling with a 5 year old and reminded myself that I would not give up time with my son to have what he has. I would never want to trade places with him.

Ask yourself Would you ever want to trade your life with his?

But I’m gonna switch my mind set... With that 20 percent time - he actually sees son more now then he ever did when we were together. Which means - when he left I got more of a break then I ever did in the past. Now he’s forced to give me child support - before he wasn’t contributing just taking away. Not a lot - but still better then before. I was with someone that was using me so he could look normal to everyone. Like a beard but for a high functioning addict. There was no love. Now, without him in the way - I’m in a relationship with someone that absolutely adores and appreciates me. I’m getting married. Guess what else, I just got a pllc incorporated - it’s in a particular niche area I have in my profession- and I think that quarantine will actually make my business more marketable when it does start up... so I will tell you how that goes next year. Living with my parents gave me help and financial reprise. My son really benefitted from that arrangement.

Anyway - the point I’m trying to make is that - we have been where you are. I think everyone of us here is glad to be rid of our spouses. Regardless of the ups and downs of dating and relationships and jobs and kids. I think surviving divorce is a good place for you instead of newcomers or the MLC section. . Because you can see how much can happen in a year, or 2 years, or 5 years. These spouses can suck the living life out of you - but you get to say - for how long. Your still just in year 1 - so you have to just get through it. But know that your gut it I can be really good despite the unfairness.


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We were living paycheck to paycheck but he has a substantial pension and I had just gotten a job. It wasn't that I was on borrowed time it was just a lot of stress on me. I bought him what he wanted to make him happy and it didn't even work. He left me anyway.

I had just paid off 90% of our debt (3rd time in 30 years) when he left. I never intended to get into debt again and again but it just crept up on me. All he had to was say he wanted something and I'd make it happen even if that meant going into debt again.

He appears to have a good handle on the money now but he also walked out with $14k, got a 2nd job and a promotion.
This bothers me but unless he's had a personality transplant his spending will creep back up again just like it did before me and with me.

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Here is what I need help with. I was like this before and with H.

I am a pick me girl. I beg for attention, acceptance and approval from men. I never require much from a man before I put him on a pedestal (H is still on that pedestal). All a man had to do was show me a little bit of attention and he was crowned king. Been like this since I was 14 years old. I believe that my life isn't worth much without a man in my life. I have gone cold turkey in that I've been completely alone for 9 months now (seems pathetic typing this out).

Last night it was bad. Wanted to cry at work, cry at home, cry at the store, but I did handle it on my own btw. I cooked an actual dinner, did laundry and well its not much but it's something.

It's month end so I can't post much but I will respond later. This is helping and I appreciate the advice.

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1) It’s never too late to grow up. I have a friend who has struggled her whole life financially, in part because she was always expecting a man to rescue her. She finally kinda gets it in her 60’s that she’s responsible for her self financially, but still struggles with this myth that she cant make it on her own. She can and you can too.

2) He has a pension, you will be entitled to half the value accumulated during your marriage if you live in a community property state. Plus alimony and child support.

3) You definitely need to stay away from men for the time being, until you get comfortable with being alone and aware of your own worth. It’s definitely true that the less I “need” a man, the more interested they seem to be.

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1) It’s never too late to grow up. I have a friend who has struggled her whole life financially, in part because she was always expecting a man to rescue her. She finally kinda gets it in her 60’s that she’s responsible for her self financially, but still struggles with this myth that she cant make it on her own. She can and you can too.


What if I get sick something big? Who will take care of me if it's bad? How do I pay for that? What if I can't work until I'm 75?

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2) He has a pension, you will be entitled to half the value accumulated during your marriage if you live in a community property state. Plus alimony and child support.


Won't I get less of his pension the longer he works? Will the judge look at me and say here's 15% of his total income (including adjusted down pension) have a nice life don't spend that extra $500 all in one place. I hear walmart is hiring greeters.

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3) You definitely need to stay away from men for the time being, until you get comfortable with being alone and aware of your own worth. It’s definitely true that the less I “need” a man, the more interested they seem to be.


Once upon a time I had my pick of men and that meant they were more interested in me. Those days are over now and I'm thinking men want (and will get) women 20 years younger. I read plenty about them here.

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Originally Posted by kml
Kas, maybe you need something to focus on besides your divorce.

I focused on learning to play the drums.

You could focus on learning a new skill, or building a side hustle, or writing a book, or training to climb a mountain. Set some big goal and start working on it. It'll focus your mind elsewhere which is very helpful.


Fitness used to be my thing. Worked out at home, trained hard and at one time looked better at 45 then I did at 25. A serious injury benched me and I could never quite figure out how to train around it without going to the gym (too time consuming as a parent).

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K,

I’m really sorry you’re struggling but the nature of life is uncertainty. Whether you remained married or not you have no idea what’s going to happen.

I’m 51 and I have zero desire to date a 31 year old for more then a night lol. Instead of worrying about your age what you can’t control I would focus more on what you can like being positive and optimistic. That’s what’s attractive!

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Who will take care of you? You have 3 kids! You think they are just going to ditch you?

You have 30 years of marriage and between alimony and pension I imagine you’ll be in good shape , plus, aren’t you a CPA? You have a career. When I got divorced which was very shortly into our careers, took the total
Amount of our retirement savings and split the difference . So I got a Tiny chunk. I don’t get his pension though.

You are not poor, you are not broke. Men don’t have to be groveling at your feet for you. You can, in fact, care for yourself without it being so awful. A man who sees your worth and not your age and wants stability and partnership isn’t going to Focus on a woman 20 years younger. Sure, it happens, but a very small percentage of the time.

You still have catastrophic thinking. Like if everything isn’t perfect and just how you want it, everything is awful. That’s not the case at all.

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It's normal you would be crying and this impact you so much, its normal for all of us to have an emotional reaction to having our lives torn apart. You go into and commit to a M with expectations and hopes of what a future will be, then one day its all taken away.


Sometimes I'm okay because there are things about H that I don't miss but when I think about growing old alone then I get upset.

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What I will say is, again, you wont always feel this way. It wont always hurt this much. My ex was my high school sweet heart and my first everything. After BD I wanted to die, the pain was just too terrible to live with at the time and I was very close if not suicidal. I grieved, and over time each intense cycle of that grief would lose a bit of its pain. You just have to look back to see it, while you're in it, it just doesn't feel like its getting better.


It's been months since I've had suicidal idealizations. COVID hit and I started thinking it would be a good thing if I died from that. My IC said I was high risk for suicide and I'm thinking no I'm too chicken to do it.

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I think the first year and a half were the worst for me as I still held onto my ex as the only possibility of the future I thought I'd be happy with. Its not, shes not. I know things aren't that simple, but eventually you have to grieve the future that's gone and start being open to the possibility of something new, and better, waiting for you. It may not be exactly as you think nor in the timeline you want, but its there. I wont say I still don't hurt, I have scars from BD that play into some of the other pain from my past. But its just a twinge when I think about my ex. I'm at a point where I where the majority of me truly hopes she ends up happy, even if its with a guy she starting dating only 2 months after we physically separated. I don't miss the life I could have had with ex. I don't miss her. Sometimes I miss being in a R, but as I got more and more space from my situation I realized I never had a healthy R anyway. Some of that was her, some of it was me.


I'm at 12 months. Today I went to my psych nurse and she said she thinks everything will be fine and she's jaded. There is a TON of pain from my past that I'm convinced if I process that then this will easier. H is never content with what he had so the only thing I'd gain from him would be financial security. I want him back but know unless he changed I'd be back to being miserable in no time. He's just a grumpy old man like his father was.

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The score keeping will only make things worse for you, its just not productive or effective. You cant be certain how good or bad his life really is, even if it looks perfect from the outside. FB can portray a perfect relationship, but that's rarely the reality, not that you could see all of it. And even on the off chance if he better off going forward, it has absolutely no bearing or comparison on what your life could be. Don't compare his outcome (that you cant ever fully see or know) to yours!


I know I'm just upset that he gets to keep everything even though it isn't entirely true. D17 hasn't seen or spoken to him in a year. S19 and D14 barely tolerate him. He gambled everything on his new life and maybe it will work out who knows. I think maybe if I get a decent divorce settlement I can make this work.

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You have stated many times that your ex lived well beyond his means. It is better it is happening now so you can regain control of your financial house. Having only 300 left/month and living within your (modest) means is (way) better than living high off the hog when that is not sustainable nor real. It’s what LH says about adjusting to your reality because the truth is your high standard of living was a total facade.


Yes my high standard of living was a facade but I blame myself for letting him talk me into it. Its not like it was hard because I wanted him to be happy. When his plans crumbled I assured him that it was totally fine and then I fixed it. I was getting ready to buy him a new truck before he left. Ugh.

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This guy is no prize as you yourself know. Did you ever write all those things he is on your mirror the way KML advised? You need to do so in order to reverse the brainwashing.


What do I write? Bad stuff? That he's a grumpy insecure old man who thinks he is superior than everyone else? That the world would be a better place if they did things his way?

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That said, you are here for a reason. Everything we need is inside us. We control our happiness. We control our outlook on life. It’s best to get out of our own heads. My advice? Give yourself a certain amount of time for a pity party, set the clock to 15 minutes. Then, every time your mind ruminates, exhaust yourself in other ways. Go walk or run up steep hills. Walk listening to stories of those who survived the holocaust. I just watched a quick history on Princess Alice of Battenberg. She was the great- granddaughter of Queen Victoria (mother of Queen Elizabeth’s husband, Philip) and ended up totally displaced/nomadic for years of her life! She was locked against her will in an insane asylum for years and missed all four of her daughters weddings. She was experimented on physically. She turned that around to a life of service and incredible fortitude. Maybe try looking to stories of inspiration vs. looking in the rear view mirror at your ex.

You can do this! You already are doing it! You are surviving each and every moment and getting stronger.


I do like inspiring stories and I know I'm getting better. I think if I can learn to be okay on my own that I will feel so empowered. I am tired of relying on other people to prop me up.

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There’s something about dealing with the unjustness of it all. It’s not right.

My ex discarded me and his life was not upended at all. In fact he was able to buy multiple houses,cars, motorcycles etc and I was left trying to decide if I needed groceries or gas more because I couldn’t afford both.. I had to borrow money for rent.


Exactly!! I'm apologizing to my kids for serving pasta....again and my sweet, wonderful kids tell me "mom your dinners are fine, you don't need to be spending money right now".

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It was so difficult to stop comparing my experience to his. To this day (and I’m 5 years in), I still struggle with it.
But shiny things don’t make a good life. They don’t. I have no relationship with my ex but from what I gather based on how he has reacted this whole time, it’s not all roses for him.


Yep I'm there. H has more than me but since the kids say he looks like death I'm guessing (for now) life isn't all roses. I do beat myself up saying he'd rather do that than stay married to me? Ugh I know I know.

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I feel so grateful to have peace in my heart. My life post-marriage has so much more meaning. And when those feelings of jealousy creep up about the financial ease and the hardship I was thrown into as a result of his actions, I just tell myself “the best revenge is a life well lived.” And it helps to rid me of any energy I continue to give to him.


In the end I will have a lot less money but more joy at least that's what my IC says. My kids used to lock themselves in their rooms and now we hang out together now that H the grouch is gone.

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I share that with you because it helps to know you are not alone in this. You are not alone with your feelings about the matter and I get how much it stinks but it will be OK.


Yeah the part where he has a shinier life stinks. I hate my house. Absolutely hate it so as soon as I get home my mood drops. I don't know if my girls are lying to make me feel better but they say H's house had potential (it's nice) but it's just gross now. I took the better furniture and all the housewares. Told D14 he'd get new stuff but he didn't. He doesn't have garbage cans, never opens the windows, and never cleans up the pet messes. They say his house stinks.

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My ex drives a luxury car - got his moms house (we live in an area where homes/taxes are just not affordable) and I had to move in with my parents. My lawyers totally took advantage of me. 20 grand for an uncontested divorce and no custody battle - because I was so emotionally distressed. We didn’t discover all his 700 dollar a weak withdrawals until the very end and I couldn’t afford to pursue that. He only takes son less then 20 percent of the time - so working extra for me and being able to be there for my son is pretty impossible. Instead i work 2 part time jobs in order to finagle hours so My son isn’t in permanent before/after school care but this means I have little retirement. Ex constantly gives me stories about why his checks are late too. I basically live like a knocked up teenager. ( I am a physical therapist - so I do have a pretty good education and was never one to live beyond my means) my ex was doing all sorts of sketchy stuff with our finances for years and i just trusted him and was so sleep deprived with my son and job - I just never had time to check him. And he was always deflecting.


I joke I'm living like a college student with teenage roommates but it's not all that funny. I'm not thrilled with my attorney and am concerned I'll have to fork over another retainer to hire a new one. She's good I'm just not a priority. H's income is down due to COVID but if I wait I fear status quo. I feel like I'm in a no win situation but I'm committed now.

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I was constantly on here angry, - I am admittedly a justice junkie - and it was just unfair. He gets an easy life. Not fair. Got to date young girls with purple fu’ing hair. He would bring back oversized shirts for our son from all these big band concerts he was going to.


Sigh...yes to all this.

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The only thing that helped was when I lied in bed next to my son and enjoyed that moment of snuggling with a 5 year old and reminded myself that I would not give up time with my son to have what he has. I would never want to trade places with him.

Ask yourself Would you ever want to trade your life with his?


I have 2 of my kids full time (and the other wants to move back in with me). H has the partying single life with his young girlfriend and while I am jealous/upset I'm not willing to sacrifice my kids for that life. They are worth more than "fun" and selfishness. If I did that I have no doubt I'd regret it one day and I do not like to have regrets if I can avoid it.

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Anyway - the point I’m trying to make is that - we have been where you are. I think everyone of us here is glad to be rid of our spouses. Regardless of the ups and downs of dating and relationships and jobs and kids. I think surviving divorce is a good place for you instead of newcomers or the MLC section. . Because you can see how much can happen in a year, or 2 years, or 5 years. These spouses can suck the living life out of you - but you get to say - for how long. Your still just in year 1 - so you have to just get through it. But know that your gut it I can be really good despite the unfairness.


Obviously I didn't want to get rid of my spouse but he was dead weight. I came to this side of the board when I wanted a divorce, wanted as in I see no other option. H did suck the life out of me and our kids. I hate the part where I have to go through this for another 1-4 years sigh but there just isn't any other way than through it.

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I’m 51 and I have zero desire to date a 31 year old for more then a night lol. [/b]Instead of worrying about your age what you can’t control I would focus more on what you can like being positive and optimistic. That’s what’s attractive!


This made me laugh. To each his own but I think middle aged men dating 20-30 somethings just look silly (trigger thinking about H doing this). One of my daughters friends fathers only dates the young ones. The bottle blondes, mini skirt wearing women with stripper names. They'd fight all the time but as long as he got what he wanted he was fine with it. Those R's last 1-2 years tops then he gets a new one. Oh and they all came with babies. Fun right?

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Think happy thoughts for me and D17 please. We want to foster a cat or kitten until we can move and get our pets back. I applied and just got a response. They are asking if we want to volunteer temporary or permanent. Fostering is temporary but I'm thinking it would be fun to do this permanently. D17 is writing the email back because she is way perkier than I am. lol This could be a blessing. I've always wanted to volunteer but every time I tried it was an epic fail. I enjoyed it but there was never enough work for the number of people that show up. If I wanted to just stand there I might as well stay at home.

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Journal post. Last night I was contemplating what part of my childhood is responsible for my belief that I am nothing without a man.

I met my best friend in 1st grade, popular, smart and pretty. She became a cheerleader and since I wasn't cool I got dumped. I retreated to my room reading books and listening to music. My bat chit crazy father began to worry so he grounded me FROM my room. He judged me for being this loner freak. He started pushing me to socialize so to make him happy I got some new friends. Bad friends. I started drinking heavily and partying. I should mention I'm a straight A student and an intellectual but there was this high of having men's attention and the alcohol made my anxiety disappear. Now I'm smart, pretty, making good grades, have a job and I'm popular. My father was happy. I was happy.

I'm wondering if it's as simple as facing a traumatic event (losing my best friend of 10 years) combined with my fathers insistence (and apparent craziness) that I get back out there that led me to self medicating with men. And where was my mother during all this? She was there.

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On the other hand kas99 - it could well just be a product of the times when we grew up. Both of my sisters jumped from one relationship to another with a "need" to have a man in their lives. Heck, when I was in my early 20s and dateless I too was desperate for a companion of the opposite sex.

And none of us had any particular trauma. My oldest sister was a moderately popular girl and my youngest sister was a "party girl". I was a nerd. But we all felt a "need" to be partnered.

That's one of the few great things to come out of my divorce. I found that, in time, I was doing very well on my own. I have chosen to invite someone in to share my life recently but because she will add to the richness of what I already have and not because I "need" her.

That's where the advice to "GAL", which I interpret as "find yourself first" comes from. As a corollary, on a plane they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first in a disaster. You need to save yourself first before you can be any use to anyone else.

Just my own thoughts from a different situation and a bit further out.


On BD
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D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Hit and run post. He’s out with her. Left D14 home alone and didn’t get her dinner. Are these cheaters happy? This hurts so much.

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He knows I filed for divorce, knows I know about the OW and has been nice (bought me lawn equipment). Guilt much? Jerk. It’s crap I know. For S19 I know. He brought us “real” masks as if the ones we have aren’t good enough (I shoved them in a junk drawer). Brought me the insurance bill knowing full well he’s paying for it (automatic draft). Stupid. Oh here’s your mail (pointless) and some masks (also pointless). S19 rolled his eyes. H looks sick and has aged 5 years since he left. I got a text saying his cell phone bill didn’t process (not enough funds). He has the money he just [censored] at juggling 2-3 bank accounts. This is the 5th time his bill didn’t get paid. I get the texts because he doesn’t know how to turn them off. I’d help but I don’t help people who screw me over.

He’s a terrible husband but I never thought he’d leave. I can’t wait for D14 to be with me full time.

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Drunk guy shows up a Hs house. The OW keeps calling and texting. It’s not a number in his contact list. “Please tell me you’re ok”. She calls. H doesn’t have his phone on him and D14 is running up and down the stairs. D14 snaps a picture of the number and sends it to D17. She keeps calling but H is outside. I hate this.

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He's not a catch. I feel like crap today and yes I post things that make me feel slightly better. She burned up his phone last night and I remember doing the same. Early on too. At first it was "please let me know you are okay" but after a year or so of this it turned into "where the eff are you?" His main priority is work/money and well that's it. He sleeps a lot, zones out in front of the tv with a tall glass of vodka, his life is very stressful, the only way I could get his attention was with sex or by buying him something but then poof he was gone again. I get upset thinking she will get a better version of him but most likely history will repeat itself.....eventually.

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Crying again today and D17 is avoiding me. She’s had enough of me and I’m alone. Normally she watches tv with me but not today. I can’t get a handle on my thoughts and I have no one to talk to.

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D17 is just sad it’s not me. I was crying and S19 asked what happened so I told him. S19 said “she’s just like you”. Yep that part is kinda funny. S19 says H gets a lot of calls when he’s with him that annoy him. H picks up the phone and says “can’t talk right now” and hangs up. In light of what happened last night S19 thinks it’s her. In my defense I stopped burning up Hs phone decades ago he’s just bringing up crap to justify leaving me to S19. I learned to keep my texts to a minimum and I rarely called him. H does not like to be bothered.

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The thing with me, him and his phone is a long complicated story. If he’s spending all his free time with her and she wants reassuring frequent contact when he’s away this won’t end well for either of them. I’m proof this type R can go on for a long time but it’s miserable for everyone. Been there done that.

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He sleeps a lot, zones out in front of the tv with a tall glass of vodka,


Why doesn’t his alcoholism play a bigger role in the story you tell?

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Why is your focus on what he’s doing on his phone, with who and why??? And why are your kids involved in all that?

Take a breath and think about it. You are obsessing over his phone habits. When you start this, you need to throw up that big STOP sign and do something to refocus yourself.

It’s not healthy for you or your kids . All of you have better things in your lives rather than concern yourself with his phone and his OW blowing it up.

Fine yourself an activity every time your mind goes that way. Stop yourself and do an exercise. Or knit. Or cook something. Because this is getting you nowhere than spiraling down. And this is not good for your kids to join in the obsessions or convo.

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Originally Posted by kml
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He sleeps a lot, zones out in front of the tv with a tall glass of vodka,


Why doesn’t his alcoholism play a bigger role in the story you tell?


I didn't think he was an alcoholic. He was never a big drinker because of work and his mom was an alcoholic. He stopped caring about his job and discovered flavored vodka. His 3 ounces with a mixer turned into 8 ounces straight. It was a slow creep and he never appeared drunk. One night I counted his drinks and expressed my concern. He told me it was none of my business and that was the end of that.

At the BD he said I was the reason he drank and I believed him. He's been gone a year though and as of December (my girls stopped talking about it) he was drinking more than ever. They told me there were empty bottles everywhere. I blew this off as he's just living the single life that eventually he'd chill and go back to drinking water because you know this is all my fault...ugh.

((called in sick today so not doing well))

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Not your fault. And a guy drinking 8 oz of vodka straight is much more likely to be an alcoholic than not.

Were there alcoholics in your family? Sometimes people who are used to being around alcoholics don't see the red flags.

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Originally Posted by kml
Not your fault. And a guy drinking 8 oz of vodka straight is much more likely to be an alcoholic than not.

Were there alcoholics in your family? Sometimes people who are used to being around alcoholics don't see the red flags.


My father was a redneck beer drinker. I’ve been fetching him beers since I was 5 and for an extra treat I got the first swig. He was never visibly drunk either. My parents got addicted to gambling when I was in my late 20s and that’s when my mom started drinking. Not at home just at the casinos.

People who know my family think I’m adopted but that’s just because I’m educated.

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Why is your focus on what he’s doing on his phone, with who and why??? And why are your kids involved in all that?

Fine yourself an activity every time your mind goes that way. Stop yourself and do an exercise. Or knit. Or cook something. Because this is getting you nowhere than spiraling down. And this is not good for your kids to join in the obsessions or convo.


D14 was scared so she called D17. I’m sitting right there so in a split second I’m in it and mood drops faster than I can catch it. I’m crying so S19 (almost 20) asked what happened and I told him. Now he’s in it. I haven’t recovered from his divorce offer yet (11 days).

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Just because someone doesn’t appear drunk, doesn’t mean they’re not an alcoholic. There are many high functioning alcoholics who never appear the least bit intoxicated. But, I’m sure you already knew all that. I agree with everything kml and Ginger posted earlier. Focus on something, ANYTHING, other than your STBXH. And don’t engage your kids in discussions about him. I know that can be difficult, particularly when kids are older and more aware of things, but like Ginger said, it doesn’t help you or them. I really feel for you but you sometimes seem to not only get down about it (understandably so) but just seem to wallow in how horrible your life is and how much better his is (presumably). You mentioned in a post recently that you have $300 after paying bills. That’s a LOT more than some. Plus you have a house, a job, food, a good relationship with your kids. You have a lot of blessings, which I know is hard to see from the inside. I read something when I was going through my own D that said that it is ok to get down and even wallow a little but if it helps you pick yourself up and move forward but be careful not to unpack and live there. I thought that was outstanding advice.


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Dawn,

I'm stuck on he gets his happily ever after yet I'm aware he wasn't happy before. As Ginger said we're both doing the exact same thing which is chasing outward happiness and self medicating unhappiness. I'm reading and rereading the Book of Now. The concept is all we have is the present moment and that if we can't be content with what we have then we will won't be content with anything else either.

Yes he says we will feel happiness over say getting a new SO but eventually we drift back to our original state. He says most peoples changes are superficial at best and history will most likely repeat itself.

I get all this I just can't get it to stick hence why I keep wallowing.

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I get that you are stuck on him getting his happily ever after. I just can’t figure out why that is your focus. It seems so terribly counterproductive to your healing. Getting a new SO or focusing on what is going on with your H is not going to help you move forward. I hope I am not sounding harsh because I do truly feel bad for the hurt you feel. I just don’t think focusing on comparing your situation and all that you feel it lacks to his situation and how much better you PRESUME it is is going to get you anywhere but driving yourself crazy. You can only control you. Another old saying I have seen many times that served me quite well through my own D is the one about holding a grudge allows someone to live in your head rent-free. Honey, kick that b@st@rd out of your head and focus on being the best version of yourself you’ve ever been. You got this!!!!!!!


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His happy ever after just doesn't matter in the long term, not to you anyway. Anytime you start to get caught up in that thinking and dwelling in it, that should be the cue its time to challenge the thought. Tell yourself its not productive and then shift focus onto yourself.

Its not effective to try and not think about it either, that's still putting the focus in the wrong place, on him. If someone tells you "don't think about a giant pink elephant", that's what you will do. You want to fill your time and life with other activities (GAL) that you enjoy so it leaves less room for that type of thinking to consume you.

If you're spending your time building up and improving your own life, how his turns out will be of no importance.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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I just can’t figure out why that is your focus


When I first got here it was to save my M. I clung to hope because I needed it to survive. Found out about the OW, got angry and filed the next day. This empowered me but depression soon set in. I now needed another "fix" of something else to survive so I wanted him to suffer and well he is. Doesn't help anymore than having hope did it just prolongs the pain. I get the "hit" sure but it wears off and I'm right back where I started from. In pain.

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His happy ever after just doesn't matter in the long term, not to you anyway. Anytime you start to get caught up in that thinking and dwelling in it, that should be the cue its time to challenge the thought. Tell yourself its not productive and then shift focus onto yourself.


I do try to turn it around and focus on my kids or me. Not giving up but dang this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

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Its not effective to try and not think about it either, that's still putting the focus in the wrong place, on him. If someone tells you "don't think about a giant pink elephant", that's what you will do. You want to fill your time and life with other activities (GAL) that you enjoy so it leaves less room for that type of thinking to consume you.

If you're spending your time building up and improving your own life, how his turns out will be of no importance.


Refusing to whine here. Nope. Not going to do it. After a year of H being gone I finally found something I really want to do. I want to foster a cat or kitten. I'm supposed to have my orientation via Zoom this week and while I don't want to get my hopes up I am excited.

I have other things I want to do but right now I'm pretty busy with work and kids.

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I remember the dark days very well early on. It was rough no doubt. It takes time for sure.

I don't have much emotion towards my XW any more.

My focus is being the best person I can be, the best father, and creating a really great life for myself.

That is my revenge. I go about my business and try to be the best co-parent I can be for myself and my kids, not for her.

Time is the great equalizer.

She doesn't deserve my anger nor my negative emotions. That is my power.

I couldn't see it early on but now it is crystal clear.

The sooner you make the transition the quicker you will heal.

Find things you enjoy and bring you happiness.

It's a marathon not a sprint.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Got an email back from the animal rescue people asking me if I want an adult cat or kittens. Well kittens of course. smile My girls are so excited and shocked that I'm doing this. I said what's the big deal? They said there is no way I'd ever do this before the BD. Really? Oh that's right I'm more fun now. Just the other day S19 made a comment about how much calmer I am now.

I realized last night that I don't know what I enjoy or what brings me happiness but today I see that I'm overthinking it. I've got a job I love...oh forgot 3 coworkers just came in and asked me what I wanted for my birthday lunch. I said I'll be 54 and the one who didn't know my age said "no you're not". I don't see it but no one believes I'm as old as I am. My boss said I look 5 years younger than I am. I'll take it.

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D17 stopped talking to H a year ago, 9 months for me. D14 and S19 don't talk about her so H is cut off. He's pushing D14 to give him pictures and videos of D17 and she said no. So now his plan is to create his own account on social media and stalk her. D17, D14 and I spent over an hour trying to find a way to hide her account. Other than completely starting over (she'd lose her followers) there isn't much she can do. D14 doesn't want H to see her video's either because H slut shames them.

Before H left D17 wore oversized sweatshirts and baggy jeans. I assumed that was just how she wanted to dress. I was wrong. Not long after he left she started dressing like a girl and now most of her videos about about fashion. D17 is so upset.

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History is repeating itself. My father stalked me and now D17 is being stalked by her father.

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This is so sad on so may levels. I hope you find some peace K.

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She can block him by email or name

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Originally Posted by kml
She can block him by email or name


It's TikTok and if anyone knows how to fix this I'd be eternally grateful.

Its tied to contacts so phone number. Change her phone number and I can still find her by her real name. She took her name off and I can still find her. If she knows H's user name she can block him and while he's dumb he's not that dumb. He's not going to let anyone know his user name. No one knows which videos you watch so he can hide nicely.

Last edited by job; 05/08/20 06:59 PM. Reason: edited the spelling of a word for kas
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Lol I assumed Facebook when I KNOW kids don’t use FB anymore lol

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There should be ways to set the account to private but you also stop the public and maybe some followers from seeing posts. Unfortunately, I don't think you can just set it to avoid a single person from viewing things, especially if they can make an anonymous account.

Its either open to the public or its not, that's just the the territory with most of these social medial apps. It might be a decision that D17 has to make, if she's really uncomfortable with having certain people view her things, she needs to reconsider the platform shes using. It comes down to accepting the risk of putting your personal info (images/video) in a public space.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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I can find D14 and D17 by my contacts (phone number). I can find D17 by searching her full name. I cannot find D14 this way.

On the front her page it now says "if u are my dad get the eff off my tiktok" and ya'll don't even want to know what her user name is. See H slut shamed her A LOT which made my sweet disney girl rebel. If you ask her what she wants to be when she grows up she will say "a stripper".

She's a

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Its either open to the public or its not, that's just the the territory with most of these social medial apps. It might be a decision that D17 has to make, if she's really uncomfortable with having certain people view her things, she needs to reconsider the platform shes using. It comes down to accepting the risk of putting your personal info (images/video) in a public space


She ranted, cussed, had a few not so nice words to say about him but then accepted that there really isn't anything she can to do to stop him without giving this up. H is really dumb to think D14 wasn't going to tell D17 everything. Even if H backs off realizing that this really isn't a good decision the damage is already done. D17 cut him out of her life because he yelled at her repeatedly for not fully supporting his pursuit of happiness and it was just downhill from there.

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Originally Posted by kml
Lol I assumed Facebook when I KNOW kids don’t use FB anymore lol


kml,

It's snapchat and tiktoks now. Instagram is still big I think. I can't keep up. lol

Tiktoks are funny, once you get past all the lame ones. You will lose hours of your time, your battery life, IQ points and your attention span but if you need a funny, time consuming distraction this app is for you.

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The thrift stores have reopened so D17 and I went yesterday. Everyone had a mask and no one got within 6 feet of us. It was fabulous but that is not the point of this post.

Before we left I was so down. Read the days meditation from The Daily Stoic (highly recommend this book) and the subject was carpe diem. D17 is here, today and I had a choice. I could either continue wallowing or I could make the best of the day. I chose the latter.

I'd love to say my mood instantly, miraculously improved but I'd be lying. The day was still a slog but I kept coming back to the present, kept moving forward, kept doing what needed to be done and while I'm still sad at least I didn't give up. Today I'm up, doing some housework, reading, trying to sew a little (the machine isn't cooperating), watching cartoons and in this moment I am okay.

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Fake it until you make it!

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S19 went to Hs house to work on his car and since it was 5pm I assumed he’d eat dinner there. No biggie because it’s beans and rice at my place but today after months I wanted a hamburger. But wait D17 doesn’t eat red meat which means I don’t either and poof now I don’t want a burger but I’ve kinda committed to fast food. While we were discussing our options S19 came home. He hates to eat out and he didn’t eat at Hs after all.

S19 said he came home because he didn’t want to upset me. See H parents last minute and it’s annoying when I’ve cooked a meal. I’ve since (or so I thought) come up with ways to cope. S19 then says a few things that make my brain think H is deliriously happy without me.

My mood tanked and my anxiety spiked. This all hit in minutes and I’ve got two hungry teens so it’s not like I can take a walk to calm down.

Over dinner S19 said he thinks H is a horrible person who is biased, closed minded and a bad cook. S19 called H out on the fact that he only cooks 3 things to which H said isn’t true (it is). Here I was feeling like it was my fault S19 didn’t have dinner with his dad (trigger) and now I’m thinking he just used me as an excuse.

Any ideas on how to cope when things like this hit? Something to do when I’ve only got a few minutes to pull it together after I’ve already crashed?

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Your mood appears to be inversely proportional to his level of perceived happiness.

You think he is happy, you become depressed and full of anxiety. You think he is miserable, you calm down.

How can you make your mood not depend on him? How can you take back control of your mood and life ? He really doesn’t deserve that much power. No human deserves that much power over someone else.

You should really work hard on finding a way to take control over yourself again. Work on this in IC, read up on this, come up with strategies that work for you

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Your mood appears to be inversely proportional to his level of perceived happiness.


This was kind of an indirect trigger and you already know the history I have with my kids. Several months ago I flipped out due to S19 not letting me know he was having dinner with H. It was bad. I discussed this in IC and her first question was "how long has it been since your last one?" I couldn't remember so I asked my kids and they said November 2018. I remember that day but look I made it over a year.

Yesterday S19 left at 5pm so I assumed he would eat there. If I had big dinner plans I would have discussed them with S19 before he left. S19 didn't have dinner there because he didn't want to upset me. That was the trigger.

I beat myself up for hours for being a bad mother and in the end it wasn't even true. S19 used me as an excuse to come home. Once the self flogging started I couldn't stop it. I'm working to manage my anxiety but the issue yesterday was I only had a few minutes.

Here is an example of what I do now. I want to get back into sewing but it's been 30 years. The first time I sat down at that machine I got upset and my anxiety went way up. I then decided I wouldn't sew again until I figured out how to manage my mood. Yesterday I decided to tackle sewing in bits and pieces. Over the course of the day I sat down at that machine 3-4 times walking away after each try. When it was time for dinner I put the machine up having accomplished pretty much nothing but it was okay at least I did something.

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So, kas, I’d like to ask you a serious question. I don’t want to offend you or come across as rude, so I’m going to attempt to explain my question to the best of my ability in the hopes that I can ask it in a way that will be well-received. I suspect that people who don’t know you very well see you as a very put together person. By your own account, even in the throes of a painful separation, you have provided a house for your children, you work, put food on the table and seem to have a great relationship with your kids. All very good things. You post a lot here about your thoughts and feelings on what you’re going through and there is no doubt, you are having a hard time with it all, but you’ve said you’re in counseling which is another good thing. You also were very honest about your reluctance to rely on meds to change your mood which I also think was a smart play. You’ve been honest about your past and the things you endured which very much colored how you are to this day but at least you recognize it, which is yet another good thing.

So, here’s my point/question: more than once, when someone, in this case Ginger, has given you some honest feedback that may not necessarily be in line with your own self message, you have said it was triggering. Is this a part of the past issues from your early years? You don’t even have to answer if you don’t feel comfortable but I ask because it would seem to me if it is some sort of defense mechanism, that might be something you could focus on in IC that might help you refocus these meltdowns you have when you’re confronted with specific things. I actually happen to totally agree with what Ginger said because it seems like if you aren’t focusing on H, you are ok, but if you let your mind run away with you, your mood tanks quickly when you perceive he is happier, better off, etc.

I think you have the ability to be a strong, independent woman just working and raising her kids, but I don’t get the sense you believe that, which is why you’re so concerned with what H has and is or isn’t doing. And, I know I made this suggestion before, but I’ll make it again. Don’t engage your kids in discussions about him. They are all old enough to have their own relationships with him that are completely independent of you (or NOT have relationships if they choose not to).. If he upsets one of them, listen and validate, but try not to internalize it. Focus on changing how you respond and see if that doesn’t help your spiraling. Your kids have you and they love you, so just love and support them. I fully realize it is nearly impossible to keep the kids from talking about H but maybe just try to keep it to the bare minimum. Maybe I missed something and I’ll admit, I didn’t go way back in your threads before you came here, but I’m not sure why the dinner thing was such a big deal. Your son went and you assumed he’d eat dinner there because of time, but he didn’t. So when he gets home and hasn’t eaten, fix him a sandwich and roll on. I’m sure I’m missing something that makes it more than that but from this outside perspective it really is that simple.

You are NOT a bad mother so you really need to work to get that out of your head.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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kas,

It's time to start a new thread. I'm going to leave this one open if you want to respond to Dawn here...but if you prefer to respond to her on a new thread, let me know so that I can lock this one.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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