Watched another happiness ted talk and he says people who are married/in relationships are happier than those that aren't.
Don’t remember the source but I think a study showed this was only true for the men.
I'm stretching the truth a bit but in my defense that ted talk did trigger me. He clarified that it was the quality of our relationships that made people happy not so much your marital status but all I heard was married people are happier. I responded by vowing to be more careful about what I watch or read.
I research everything and marriage alone does not make people happier. There is a spike of happiness right before marriage and for 2 years afterwards then you're back to your baseline happiness. Relationships matter but being happy before getting into one matters more.
Adding it to my watch list. I'm scared to watch anything now unless someone recommends it. I thought TED talks would be safe but I was wrong. I remember when H first left I couldn't turn on the tv for weeks because while I needed the distraction everything triggered me. D17 finally suggested I watch cartoons so I started with Phineas and Ferb. I've since healed enough that I can watch real shows but only certain ones. I still watch a lot of cartoons.
Revisionist History, podcast by Malcolm Gladwell is amazing.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I just realized what H is trying to do. Joint custody means no CS so that means he wouldn’t have to pay me more than he is now. My L didn’t catch that she just said the agreement didn’t have alimony but it did just not until after he retires. She barely read that thing because until she gets his financials there is nothing to negotiate.
Crying as I write this. I woke up this morning and thought I'm never going to get better. I'm stuck slogging through life while his life is just fabulous. He didn't have to give up anything but a few stinking dollars in support. He'll build another house, buy a shiny new truck, marry someone else, travel, etc. I get to figure out how to feed myself on $50 a week while he and his new wife are deciding which tile would look better in the master bathroom.
I picked up the book The Power of Now to find comfort and it said "you think you can't get there (happy) from where and who you are at this moment because you are not complete or good enough..." This is when I started sobbing.
I really don't know your history just yet, but I'm sorry you're experiencing those feelings. Just wanted to pop in for support and say you aren't along in feeling them. I know I've had similar feelings in the past. While I'm probably better off in the long run than my ex is financially, its been a struggle the last few years watching her buy a house and move in with her bf. I basically started over from nothing, while she kept most of the few things we had. Also, with the help of her bf she was able to get a house. He wasn't the guy she left me for, but started dating him a year after BD, less than 2 months after we separated physically. They're still together, they have a house and i'm sure post on fb an image of a nice, perfect life together. Remember, nothing is as it appears, I doubt your ex is really that happy. Even so, eventually you wont care one way or another.
Early on I had some intense feelings on not feeling good enough and wondering why am I living in a shitty apartment, taking care of my kids on my own, single while they seem to have things so good. I think for most of us the lack of consequences is what hurts the most, it feels like their decisions and the damage is justified. Over time those feelings mostly faded, they do fade in time. I'm not going to say its quick, but they do fade. Now its just an occasional sting that comes and goes in the matter of a few seconds. Furthermore, I really don't mind if they end up successful and happy forever, it would actually be the best thing for my kids to avoid instability. Something that's helped put things into perspective recently was a quote, I forget where it comes from and its hard to grasp in the middle of those emotions, but it does help. Basically its "you wont feel this way forever". There's another similar one by Rikle "Let everything happen to you / Beauty and terror / Just keep going / No feeling is final".
What I'm learning is there is truth to this, no feeling is final nor will it last forever, good or bad. It helps me to accept some feelings, even if they hurt, because I know I'll survive them. Anyway, just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in those thoughts/feelings and hope you feel better.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
H isn't a good person but I never thought he'd leave. I was doing good but last week I found out who the OW is and I got his property settlement offer back. Evidently he wants me to live in my car but it's fine that's why I have a pit bull for a lawyer. I knew early on he was delusional.
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While I'm probably better off in the long run than my ex is financially, its been a struggle the last few years watching her buy a house and move in with her bf. I basically started over from nothing, while she kept most of the few things we had. Also, with the help of her bf she was able to get a house. He wasn't the guy she left me for, but started dating him a year after BD, less than 2 months after we separated physically. They're still together, they have a house and i'm sure post on fb an image of a nice, perfect life together. Remember, nothing is as it appears, I doubt your ex is really that happy. Even so, eventually you wont care one way or another.
Mentally I'll be better off than H is financially only because with him enough is never enough. Physically he will always have more money than me by a lot. He told me I could take whatever I wanted so I did. It will sting when he buys another house since it already stinks that his rental is nicer than mine. I don't think H is happy only because he wasn't happy before but my imagination runs wild.
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Early on I had some intense feelings on not feeling good enough and wondering why am I living in a shitty apartment, taking care of my kids on my own, single while they seem to have things so good. I think for most of us the lack of consequences is what hurts the most, it feels like their decisions and the damage is justified. Over time those feelings mostly faded, they do fade in time. I'm not going to say its quick, but they do fade. Now its just an occasional sting that comes and goes in the matter of a few seconds. Furthermore, I really don't mind if they end up successful and happy forever, it would actually be the best thing for my kids to avoid instability. Something that's helped put things into perspective recently was a quote, I forget where it comes from and its hard to grasp in the middle of those emotions, but it does help. Basically its "you wont feel this way forever". There's another similar one by Rikle "Let everything happen to you / Beauty and terror / Just keep going / No feeling is final".
Getting dumped after 30 years together is a huge injustice. He's in his peak years while I'm this middle aged has been. I get tossed aside for a younger model and yeah it hurts.
I get tossed aside for a younger model and yeah it hurts.
Fwiw though, Kas, every guy I've dated since my divorce except for one has been younger. Some by a little - current boyfriend is just 4 years younger - some by - well - a whole lot. Not something I was deliberately seeking, just seems to have worked out that way. Don't make assumptions about your future ok? I could have someone 19 years younger than me like my ex did, I'm just not really interested in that.
Just focus on being the best you that you can be. Living well really IS the best revenge. (Btw, speaking of revenge, did you watch She Devil yet?)
Fwiw though, Kas, every guy I've dated since my divorce except for one has been younger. Some by a little - current boyfriend is just 4 years younger - some by - well - a whole lot. Not something I was deliberately seeking, just seems to have worked out that way. Don't make assumptions about your future ok? I could have someone 19 years younger than me like my ex did, I'm just not really interested in that.
You know the 2 men I got involved with after H left? One of them was 39. I'm 54. He was cute but it's not my thing either. Being replaced by some young thing is the worst. I used to think I looked better than H and now I'm not so sure.
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Just focus on being the best you that you can be. Living well really IS the best revenge. (Btw, speaking of revenge, did you watch She Devil yet?)
I've seen it but I did rewatch The Other Woman. This week has been rough. So very rough.
