So, kas, I’d like to ask you a serious question. I don’t want to offend you or come across as rude, so I’m going to attempt to explain my question to the best of my ability in the hopes that I can ask it in a way that will be well-received. I suspect that people who don’t know you very well see you as a very put together person. By your own account, even in the throes of a painful separation, you have provided a house for your children, you work, put food on the table and seem to have a great relationship with your kids. All very good things. You post a lot here about your thoughts and feelings on what you’re going through and there is no doubt, you are having a hard time with it all, but you’ve said you’re in counseling which is another good thing. You also were very honest about your reluctance to rely on meds to change your mood which I also think was a smart play. You’ve been honest about your past and the things you endured which very much colored how you are to this day but at least you recognize it, which is yet another good thing.
So, here’s my point/question: more than once, when someone, in this case Ginger, has given you some honest feedback that may not necessarily be in line with your own self message, you have said it was triggering. Is this a part of the past issues from your early years? You don’t even have to answer if you don’t feel comfortable but I ask because it would seem to me if it is some sort of defense mechanism, that might be something you could focus on in IC that might help you refocus these meltdowns you have when you’re confronted with specific things. I actually happen to totally agree with what Ginger said because it seems like if you aren’t focusing on H, you are ok, but if you let your mind run away with you, your mood tanks quickly when you perceive he is happier, better off, etc.
I think you have the ability to be a strong, independent woman just working and raising her kids, but I don’t get the sense you believe that, which is why you’re so concerned with what H has and is or isn’t doing. And, I know I made this suggestion before, but I’ll make it again. Don’t engage your kids in discussions about him. They are all old enough to have their own relationships with him that are completely independent of you (or NOT have relationships if they choose not to).. If he upsets one of them, listen and validate, but try not to internalize it. Focus on changing how you respond and see if that doesn’t help your spiraling. Your kids have you and they love you, so just love and support them. I fully realize it is nearly impossible to keep the kids from talking about H but maybe just try to keep it to the bare minimum. Maybe I missed something and I’ll admit, I didn’t go way back in your threads before you came here, but I’m not sure why the dinner thing was such a big deal. Your son went and you assumed he’d eat dinner there because of time, but he didn’t. So when he gets home and hasn’t eaten, fix him a sandwich and roll on. I’m sure I’m missing something that makes it more than that but from this outside perspective it really is that simple.
You are NOT a bad mother so you really need to work to get that out of your head.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
It's time to start a new thread. I'm going to leave this one open if you want to respond to Dawn here...but if you prefer to respond to her on a new thread, let me know so that I can lock this one.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
