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#2893132 04/23/20 09:31 PM
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Day 34 of Covid LD ( and now in LD until June? ugh...)

~j~ Oh how I love a new thread when it's a new beginning! Feeling good today. I'm SO thankful for this forum. I woke up this morning thinking how nice it was to have a calm departure from 00. One that was driven by kindness, rather than the opposite. Imagine having to depart on rocky terms, regretting things that might have been said in the heat of the moment. The high road was traveled and I feel good.

Last night, (see previous thread for details) I dropped H off at the airport. It was a nice and normal goodbye. D3 is use to her dad going away to work for long periods, so she'll be okay. No concept of time at this age really, especially during these times.

I was surprised by the hugs 00 gave me at the airport, but after all, we are still friends. That's why I reached out to him first, at the house, when I saw he was emotional & panicked. I felt he needed it and he took it. I know he's nervous, having to travel (not a direct flight either), and nervous going back to work after he does 14 days of quarantine.

When I got home from the airport, I had a long talk with Step-MIL. She's knows H very well, and she shares things with me. I shared with her the status of our D paperwork. She was surprised, but after talking about it more, we definitely believe 00 knew exactly what he was doing, by not completing it. And now he's got no way to complete this paperwork, as it has to be done with a notary, and he'll be gone for 7 months. He had the opportunity to complete it before he left; he claims they contacted him, but he refused to go at the time.. nervous to be in contact with people? Even so, he HAD the opportunity to finish what he SO badly seemed to want. Any way. There has been zero talk regarding this since.

This morning, I had many text msgs on my phone from 00. I had asked him to keep us updated, so we'd know he got to his destination okay. We chatted for a bit, via msg app. He's nervous and has a huge headache...no doubt! Good thing he's got 14 days to recover. No drinking while at work/sea. I ended the conversation with, "we're always here for you"... 00: "Thank you. Let me know if you need anything".

WOW... so nice to use a keyboard again!

Have a great day everyone. I hope this positive momentum continues. It's up to me.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
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I'm glad you had a good day Can. Now you are back to the part you know how to do and did so well previously. Live your life, take care of your sweet girl, no expectations of anything, no pursuit. Mirror his behavior. If there comes a time you know what you want or the status quo is holding you back, then act. Until then, just live. Enjoy the island, the weather, your new job (when the world opens).

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Originally Posted by OwnIt
I'm glad you had a good day Can. Now you are back to the part you know how to do and did so well previously. Live your life, take care of your sweet girl, no expectations of anything, no pursuit. Mirror his behavior. If there comes a time you know what you want or the status quo is holding you back, then act. Until then, just live. Enjoy the island, the weather, your new job (when the world opens).


Thanks Ownit. I need to keep the focus on me & D3. And you're right; I know how to do this part well. I just have to stop the wheels turning in my head about other stuff. Zero expectations. Keep the focus on me. And repeat..lol.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
CanBird #2893417 04/27/20 03:52 AM
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Day 38 (Covid/Stay-At-Home) ~j~ Being Positive IS up to ME. I was feeling positive, reminded myself I've been here before, many times. And then, 00 asked me to follow through with a favor I agreed to. The favor is to put a bag of his out for pick-up. No big deal right? That's what I keep telling myself. It's pretty much his last bag of clothes.

When he left, he didn't take everything he wanted. (He had the time, but didn't do it). I assumed he'd left work things behind that he wanted, so I said. "Don't worry, we can figure it out, get it sent to you while you're in quarantine." No big deal. Then he asked me if I'd go through the bag, see what was in there. Half work half civilian clothes (nice/dressy). Again, no big deal. He'll want the work clothes. Nope. He wants everything. Wow. Okay. No big deal right? These are just clothes? WHY do I care? It took everything in me not to send a snarky comment... I'd been used. Right? Here I am packing this mans bag up so it can be picked up and sent to him. Is that the bags final destination? Then the questions started brewing in my mind. Will he take it with him? Is he storing it somewhere for later? Is he sending it elsewhere? Then I just stopped thinking. IT's JUST A BAG.

He could of easily taken this bag with him and I would have no clue what's in it, other than more clothes, and the garage has less of his personal stuff in it. One bag of clothes left that don't matter and he still has some personal items here. But it hurt. Hurt that this stupid bag was him leaving me all over again like in February, but I helped pack the bag! Given this situation, I am in control of how I react. It's just a bag. I have to say that. He's made all the arrangements for it's pickup. I just stuck labels on and leave it out tomorrow. It's just a bag.

Being positive is up to me. How can I allow an object rule how I feel? I can't allow that. NO to that. It's just stuff and it's not my stuff. So what I helped out. I said I would. I think I'm over it. I talked to Step-MIL about it the other day, that I felt used. No wonder he was being so nice to me! Feeling like a fool that's been taken advantage of, but it's just a bag.

I'm sure I'm not alone here. Right? Please share. Sharing is caring!

Hope everyone is well. Venting here always helps.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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I get it. How hard it is seeing his things leave the house.
How something of his can trigger all kinds of feelings.
How raw your emotions are.

My H packed up his things. Took a lot, but left a lot stored in our home.
He just recently asked for 2 of these things.
One last weekend.
One this weekend.
First time he asked for anything he’s left since he moved out 1 1/2 years ago.

It bothers me. I wonder what taking them means.
I get all emotional.
Than I stop myself and get on with my day.

Your H was rushed in his packing.
It’s probably as simple as he didn’t get it done.
I don’t believe he has any idea how taking care of this would affect you.
I don’t think they can think beyond their own needs.

It’s good you followed through with what you agreed to do.
We are human.
Let your thoughts and emotions spiral for a minute.
Than put it aside and get on with your day.

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Day 39/COVID/stay-at-home order...

-J- The bag finally left today. H and I did more communicating over that stupid bag than we did while he was here for over a month in lock down! Feels that way; pretty accurate.

Last night he sent a reminder. This morning he was checking... we spent a couple of hours texting back and forth. Not always about the bag, about different things, ...except our situation... any way... It's been like that since he left. A lot of friendly texting, joking, a bit about D3.. Now I wonder if this will continue, now that the bag is gone. `Once it got picked up, just around dinner time, I sent my last text. He replied.. and that was it. Nothing else.

Of course I want to keep the friendly banter going, but I don't want to over do it ... so I will give him space. Follow his lead. It was so nice and so normal messaging back and forth... actually having a conversation...I let him lead of course. A few times I asked questions about how he was doing... nice that he was forth coming with his reply. At least it felt that way. There's always a cloud around what they say...

So what now? He goes to work, does his thing and hopefully, given the remote work that he does, he'll actually tell me when he goes. I know his work contacts, he gave me his new number & how to get in touch with him if need be. Last season, was literally zero casual contact. I was DB... so only emergencies. He did ask, why I never emailed... I just said I was giving him space.

I feels like I'm reliving letting go of him all over again. Is this how it is? They leave, you get over it, they come back and then you relive it again? Is this the roller coaster? Or a just a part of being the LBS.; having a spouse in MLC. This time his leaving, didn't hurt as much. Maybe, because our D isn't final? (papers were never filed... 00 didn't complete them.... so he says...) Is this silly of me to keep thinking about this fact? Yes the ow is in the picture, but he's still married!

Who knows and I shouldn't care what grand fantasy plans they have been thinking up. I secretly hope it all blows up. Last year, I didn't know about the ow/xgf. Now I do, and they are still active from a distance as far as I know. THANK YOU COVID for the travel restrictions! Karma at it's best. And with all that going on, I still look at the fact that 00 did not file. I hope that travel restrictions for certain countries stay in place for a while. aka Karma at work wink

Okay. I seriously need to GAL. Way too much time spent talking about 00. He's got more going on is all....lol... But seriously, while going through this, I think it's important to be real and be raw in the moment so others can learn & we can help each other navigate through this spiderweb of nonsense. I've got one friend who is working on filing for D (not MLC related... that I know of) and another friend who's having a rough go too... husband with PTSD .. she almost did D her H last year... I'm sure a lot of couples are going through things during these crazy Covid days. In a few years, we'll be saying... remember 2020?

That's enough blah blah from me. Up way late. Too much afternoon coffee.

Be well and Stay Safe. Keep Posting smile


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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Thanks for stopping by my thread, Can! You seem to be doing well. And yes, GAL is so very important. I have been working on improving myself. I am taking online classes. Our County library has free access to Lynda classes so I can take stuff on investing, leadership, etc while looking for work. I'm also watching lots of inspirational movies to help with my mindset while I am dealing with my MCL. We are still here together and for the most part it's really calm and peaceful. No alien or monster. I do know he's made me a villain but he won't tell me what I've done wrong.

I bet every little thing that goes away with him feels like him leaving all over again. I don't have that direct experience, but I know I'd feel similarly. I'm sorry about the ow. Mine won't admit that he still has feelings. He says what he's going through has nothing to do with her. I know he thinks that, but it's definitely messing up his mind. The limerence fog is relentless. And I also know they have to grieve. But that won't happen until they truly let go.

I sometimes wonder if they ever grieve for us? Or would they if they actually thought we were gone? Or did we just become the enemy and why would you cry for the enemy?

Either way, like HB says, we need to let go of the rope and focus on our own life. Why does that seem so hard sometimes?

I do know that we are all getting stronger. We have no choice. And as we do, we become better equipped to help others, empathize and have compassion for others. And learn, truly learn, how to master our own lives and happiness. I pray for that for all of us, really.

Blessings


W (me): 50 H: 46
M: 21 T: 25
S:17 D:15
BD 11/2019

Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
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~j~ Yesterday D3 got to video chat with her dad. It was nice. She asked about him, I text him & it happened as planned. Let's hope this type of communication continues. I don't bug D3 about talking to her dad/encourage or discourage, I think it's just something that should just come naturally. Am I right or wrong here? What have you all done?

As far as H communicating with D3, as in the past,an recently, I've let him know/told him, whenever he wants to talk with D3, we are always available to make that happen. That door is open for him, always. That's up to him.

After D3 & her dad finished up, H sent me pic of the sunset from his hotel room. I replied Beautiful View. Earlier txt msgs where business, and him checking up on me to see how my status with certain things are. Oh, and the usual set of txt he sends... links I might find useful & recipes. I don't like to cook. I think he's afraid D3 might starve while he's away.

All in all, I'm kind of coasting right now. A different limbo because of this Stay-At-Home order. Trying to take care of what I can. Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough for D3, feeling a bit of mommy guilt. But I do need to take care of my business as it's time sensitive. I do give her my full attention in the morning & explain mommy has "work" to do. (phone calls & emails). I'm sure she gets it, but so have a little guilt. Guess that's normal & I can make up for it when I'm done my "work".

Well, that's all for now.

Coasting Along, but not Alone.

Be well my DB friends!


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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Canbird, you sound peaceful in your latest update. No expectations of either H or yourself so you can't be disappointed. Smart. Mum guilt is normal even at the best of times, so cut yourself some slack during this quarantine. We're all just doing our best to keep our spirits up. Embrace the screentime and snacks!

It's nice for you that H is still communicating random things. It shows he still cares in some way, even if just as a friend.

I can't remember the last time my XH asked after S2. Actually, I can. It was when I stopped making the effort to keep him involved right after discovering OW. So October last year. Pretty sad. XH has never asked to video chat or phone call with S2, and S2 never asks, so I'm not too sure how I'd handle it. They see each other twice a week and every other Sunday, so maybe that's enough.

Anyway, keep coasting and posting smile


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~j~ 00 is shipping out. He text a few details. Him & D3 did another video chat. I know it'll be a long long time before she sees him again, so I'm glad he was there for her, while he was free.

Now that I know of the ow/xgf, I'm not sure zero communication is the key. I almost wish I would of said more last year. I don't know if it would of made a difference. But I think I might just do like one email a week from D3's point of view. I didn't do anything like that last year & I regret it.

Should I ask him? I feel silly asking, it's his daughter!

Example: Hi..just wanted to ask....If D3 wants to talk to with you, can she send an email? Or mail something? I know it's not always possible for calls or video chats. Let me know what would be okay, which address to use. She'll be happy to hear from you too.

It's not my first boat ride so I know the drill. We're talking remote... D3 loves talking/sharing. Very expressive. If she wants to communicate I want to know what her options are, without ovet steping any boundaries, if there are any.


For her, I'm not going to sit and wait for him to reach out... I think with the situation the world is in, we need to just be in touch with our loved ones. I'll keep my distance, remain the friend. That's working..for now.

Thought?

Honestly in all forms is welcome.





Last edited by CanBird; 04/30/20 12:30 PM.

~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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