Have terrible anxious feeling today. Just woke up feeling like the world was on fire. Broke down a bit getting ready. Really though these more extreme emotions were behind me a little. Yesterday I certainly wasn't the happiest person but I was level. Here's hoping I can calm down throughout the day.
Feeling has been going strong all day. Sounds like wife got the apartment. I was preparing myself for it but it hurt so bad. I cried for awhile. I just can't take all of this. Fun fact group, move will likely happen while I'm gone recovering for surgery how lucky for her she can move in peace and I can come back from surgery to an empty lonely house that we struggled for 10 years to earn so we could start our family. Sometimes I just don't know what I'm doing at all anymore.
I know what you're doing. You're on the cusp of learning how to enjoy living in an empty, lonely house. There are a lot of upsides to it, which you'll see in time. It is about to be a space that you alone control. You'll come to embrace it. Sure, you'll shed tears coming home the first few times knowing that she's not there and you'll shed some more tears waiting for her to walk through the door from time to time. But that passes.
I know our situations definitely stink, but the empty, lonely house is a huge perk. You can watch what you want whenever you want to. You're not stuck in some strange apartment you hate and you'll be at your most comfortable. And there are so many opportunities to GAL at home by yourself!
Well surgery went well. Recovery is a pain. Feel like someone beat my gut with a bat lol. Gonna be more or less laid up for a couple more days or so. Im sure the wife is loving me being away. She took off to the creek yesterday with some friends.
So last week I went up to Vegas for our Godsons birthday. It a trip full of ups and downs. I Havent been to Vegas without my wife in since I was about 12 years old so getting there was just full of emotion and really broke. After I got to her uncles place and started to relax things better. Had an alright day with everyone that first night. Talked laughed, all and all decent. When my wife got in eventually she greeted me with a "What are you still here for" it was about 11 at this point so that was fun and basically set the mood for the rest of time around her. The next couple days I spent most of my time with them my wife was staying there so she was basically always around. The birthday Party felt very awkward most of her family seems to not be talking to me now so that cool and my sister called me to let me know water heater was spraying water so that was fun. Friday I was hanging around and when they made plans to go to the grocery store I planned to tag along and then leave from I had plans to meet a friend for dinner that night. I asked my wife if she cared as she had been particularly cold the last few days and she straight up told me leave so I figured whatever I'll just go then. Text her aunt that she had made it clear I she didn't want me there and I just wouldnt be coming back that day maybe not at all since I was supposed to be leaving in the morning. Went back to the hotel played some cards and then drove across town to our friends place. My wife has known this girl since middle school but we were all somewhat close for years. Wife hasn't spoken 1 word to her since everything started so I'm not sure whats that is about. I wanted to check in as we haven't seen each other in about 3 years and her daughter just had birthday the month before. All and all that night was the best time I had on the trip. Only planned to eat and tal for a bit maybe a couple hours. Didn't leave until 11 hours later with the sun coming up. We caught up, joked, went through all the [censored] Ive been dealing with. Her family has always been there for us even took in my wife when we were young and her mother broke her nose and kicked her out. Im lucky to still have them in my life. Well was much too tired to drive home after that so stayed another night. Spent basically the whole last day at the apartment. It was all kinds of boring and strange. No one really spoke to anyone wife, as with at home, was basically just on her phone talking to her guys the whole trip. The most frustrating part was watching her disappear with her aunt and uncle about a 3rd of the time to smoke. They have always done that drove me and the wife nuts how often they just left the kid alone and then didn't really engage him when they were back inside. We always made it a point to keep him engaged when we were with him. But this is now 3 days after his party and no one has played with any of the games he was bought, or the legos, and the video game console took me basically begging for days to let me set up for him. It was strange not to have my partner supporting me with him. Kids was always the most important thing to her since I met her. Now she barely seems to care at all. I guess my choice to wait really was for the best I always knew she would be the best mother but now I have no idea what she would be with them. Left super early the next morning as I had to get covid testing done for surgery. All and all I dont know a luke warm trip. Im glad I went. Did okay on the tables and hit $1000 on the slots waiting for her grandparents to come down for breakfast. Trying to maintain my diet was nightmare and I basically didn't eat most of the trip.
So surgery as you know my wife basically didn't offer to help at all. She even acted like I was being selfish for hoping she might take off work and help. She didn't have enough time to even do that. Well that didn't stop her from staying home 2 days because her allergies were acting up though so I guess so much for that. The day of she came in the morning and kinda asked some basic questions. Talking to her broke me down so I walked away. She followed me and asked why I was being standoffish I really wasn't answered her questions as best I could before I couldnt anymore. She said she was done talking and had planned to give me a hug an what not before I walked off. I said I didn't know she had more to say thought she was done. She gave me the most lazy unconcerned one handed hug and said it would be fine and she cared for me. I didn't really respond was having a hard time with emotions. She asked what I wanted form her and I said nothing its fine. She left after that I went to my parents to drop off my stuff and wait to go. Being alone at the surgery sucked all kinds of boring. Went in about an hour later than scheduled so spent about 2 hours doing nothing laying in a bed with an iv. Was pretty terrified when I got wheeled in and then I woke up and it was over. Pain has been bad but doable. I haven't touched the opiods. i hate drugs and I haven't needed them. A little Tylenol here and there and ive been fine. Wife text me on her lunch and I just left it unresponded she tried again a little later again Ignored. She tried again after work and apparently reached out to my mom as well who told her I was sleeping. Never bothered to call or come by and see me in person if she was really concerned. I finally told her I was alright but sore. Didn't hear from her again at all. Saw her leave the house on our cameras the next day with camping gear later on she posted pictures of her at the creek. That got me in a place to think she would leave not knowing what complications I might have. Just so little concern. Can't really move and have spent most of the time talking to some friends. Doing some spiraling and most of what Ive come out with all of it is I don't think I care anymore. I just don't want this pain anymore I don't know what that means for me in the furture. But I think the plan is to sell the house. I dont want to fight for it anymore and be stuck with memories and a house I didn't really want for the next 20 years. If the market crashes I'll be stuck forever so this is my last chance to get out. Maybe not divorce right now as its a process but I think Im going to move forward with a legal separation and protect myself before she moves out and starts living pay check to pay check. I dont know how I can rebuild trust even if she comes back. Ive learned a whole lot more things while being confined to this bed and spiraling. Being a computer tech by trade has its advantages when it comes to spying. I was basically no contact since we came back from vegas except for last night when I told her lets sell the house she accused me of being a dick for no real reason. I guess that will continue being the plan in the near future beyond business. My friends are pissed about what I have already conceited and really dont want me to do legal separation and thus keep supporting her on taxes and with benefits from my job. I don't really care that much I guess. I still want my wife back but this women isn't my wife.
Just an update guys. Pain is about half what it was yesterday. So recovery is moving forward quick. Wont be able to lift anything over 10 pounds for a least a month but hopefully will be walking being normal in another couple days.
Not a word from wife at all of course but no surprise there. Been bored out of my mind but doing my best to make the best of it. Exploring some new music, watching a new show I've been meaning to check out. Just trying to stay focus been wanting to change my hair so will be looking at styles today.
Hopeful everyone is doing alright out there. Looks like California is starting to close back up. Bars are being shut down again. Probably a matter of time before more is closed again.
I feel really good today. Like myself for the first time in a really long time honestly I think since even before BD. I think I may have lost track of who that was for awhile in my marriage. While I tried to balance what it meant to be a good spouse, a provider, a caretaker, gardener etc. I just forgot who I was. What use to make me smile. How I use to joke and enjoy the moment. I keep talking about how my wife isn't the one I fell in love with and thats definitely true right now but I'm not sure when I stopped being the man my wife feel in love with all those years ago either. Of course we both grew but I stopped being even similar. Bitter and negative all the time.
I let a friend talk me into kind of a petty prank if you will. Not a big deal and it barely got a rise out of her at all. But I think its the first time since this all started that I felt like I was standing for myself. For the fact that the cheating, the disrespect, the cake eating just isn't alright. Its not something I can stand for morally. Its not something that will ever easily go away. This isn't really DBing I know but I wasn't really before anyway and I wasn't in a place mentally or emotionally to do it. Every time I did I just broke down. It may just be a temporary High who knows. But right now I feel like I can drop the rope and just see what happens. I can't even imagine what rebuilding trust with her could look like at this point or if its possible. But thats okay. I'll cross that bridge if it ever comes. Assuming I even still want to. Right now though I want to be able to keep smiling. I want to work on being the confident strong person I use to be, I never pursued my wife at the start. Not once in fact it was basically the opposite I pushed her away. I attracted her in a way that was like a drug she practically stalked me lol. I want to be that man again.
