This is long I'm sorry about that I guess Im just trying to get my thoughts out of my head.
Hi, I'm new here obviously. I've been together with my wife for 12 years now, technically 13 in may but I guess we wont make it to that special number now. We were high school sweet hearts. She was a freshman and I was a sophomore. We had almost all of our firsts together. Every real decision in my life has been based around creating and having a life with her. We have been married for roughly 2 and half years. I know it took me a long time to ask and honestly that was a big part of why I'm here I think. Not the timing itself but my inability to make a decision, overthink every possible outcome etc. A month ago my wife told me she didn't want to be with me anymore. That I had spent the majority of the last 12 years making her feel like garbage. This honestly isn't something new she has been saying that forever usually in moments of anger though. She did threaten to leave often again in anger though. I tried many times to work on me in some ways but admittedly not in the ways that really mattered and not hard enough. I have a control issue that I used to belittle my wife, it was not intentional but I realize how silly it was now. Being grumpy about her wearing make up, who she was spending time with, telling her what I thought things were stupid all the time. I pushed away many friends she tried to have. I ruined all kinds of moments with my negativity. I passed up on important moments for selfish reasons including refusing to go and meet her family for the first time in Florida a couple months ago. All great things to recognize and fix in hind sight as I type this now but I didn't see any of the things that occurred over the last month or so happening.
Roughly a month and 2 week ago by my approximation. My wife decided to join a sexy meme group on Facebook it was linked via another meme group shed been apart of for awhile. She says it was all just for fun. But a few days past and suddenly she decides she needs to make up new accounts and emails to rejoin with. Then starts to really get involved with the posts. Responding provocatively posting her own memes engaging everyone she can. A post goes out about joining the group chat which she does. During this week, we were both off work due to the virus we had just a nice weekend with our little brother and sister. We celebrated my mothers birthday early. We were having a pretty good week my wife is always stressed by work. When she has a period of time off we normally have a great time. She was very intimate in fact actively pursing me, which is very rare for her, it was great. I was very happy. The next week she goes back to work and is very frustrated by it especially because she is excepted to do all her normal shifts even though there is no work to do. Meanwhile I am at home on call still being paid. On the group during this week she is now in the chat and meeting more and more people she is having fun and ends up talking to 2 men more privately, sending photos and sexting. In 12 years my wife has never sent a dirty photo to me. Any time is was discussed or I tried to take photo for myself it was a fight about how she trusted me but not that it wouldn't get out by mistake. I always respected that. At home the week is strained but in my mind okay were just both on edge. Friday I finish installing a new sink we decided to buy and am very proud I finished it myself without any help. My wife calls and suggest we pick up pizza. She has been kinda short with me that day and I assume work is bothering her so she doesn't want to deal with cooking. When she gets home kinda late I rush her back out the door to get the pizza the entire time she is standoffish and I didn't understand why. Then in the liquor store where we decided to grab some slushs I ask if there is anything else she wants and she says a vape. My wife smoked when I met her and I told her I wasn't interested in a smoker no harm no foul. She quit that day to be with me and hasn't smoked for 12 years. Today she wants to push my buttons though It puts me in a bad mood for the rest of the day but whatever I think we will discuss it later. All this time I still am not really that bothered just a bad day. Later that night she takes a shower but gets dressed in the bathroom. This is the moment that makes everything feel wrong. I've never spied on my wife or felt a need to look at her stuff. But today I cant help it. I grab her spare phone and unlock it and instantly see a chat from a disturbing group I've never heard of, the meme group I mentioned earlier. the subject martial bothers me, if she had involved me maybe not so much spice up our marriage a little. IN the group my wife is discussing hair dye still not a big deal. But then I notice there are other direct messages. I open one and instantly see a dick video and I scroll quickly to see pictures of my wife she sent back to him. I stop there, the idea that I need to really look more and understand this maybe get evidence passed by my mind. I decide no, I need to confront her let her tell me and have remorse so we can work this out.
As you can imagine it didn't go that way. She at first asks me what I'm talking about of course she didn't. I tell her I saw them and her face twists into a smile. Okay fine yes I am. I ask why and shes says I don't know it just happened. She says shes sorry she lied and she kept it from me. One of the big things in my life has always been affairs. I didn't believe in them I didn't even date girls more than a month as a kid unless I though it would last. There is nothing wrong with having a good time with people but relationships are commitment. If that changes you should voice it first. SO this was a lot for me. I ask her what know, and she tells me she doesn't want to be together. We fight fro awhile about why and she tells me the things I mentioned in the first block. She tells me that the affair has nothing to do with it. She felt this way for a long time. That is probably true but obviously the affair plays a role too. If nothing else it gave her the confidence and strength to finally say it. We fight into the night, by fight I mean I beg. Eventually I get her to change her words and call it a break. But she also wont agree to any break boundaries she wont stop the affair etc. She says that maybe she can see us back together if I change.
So I do, I change overnight. The truth is I had actually been working on a lot of things more seriously over the last year. I was tired of myself and wanted a better me. Also I had planned on asking my wife to have a child in the coming month now that I was off probation from my new job. The probation was 12 months and full of problems. So that was driving the need for a new me. It was slow going though. Baby steps so I didn't fail. But now I had to be a new man now. The one thing I was asked to do at the moment though I could not control. She wanted space and not to bothered about things that "were not my business". The group was not my business until we were back together and then we would deal with it. Of course the jealousy of that group made that impossible and it felt like an insurmountable obstacle in my way. A week in and with limited ability to really spy on her I blew up. A number of strange sites on her browsing history throughout the day made me feel like my wife wanted to run away with one of the men. That day I snatched her phone when she came back. It was a terrible fight. And was officially the end of her being nice with her accounts she changed all the passwords for the things I still knew. To make matters worse my wife had been talking to a friend and about the new house she bought and was planning to come home and talk to me about it. I said she had stopped talking to me for awhile and she was trying to put in effort to tell me more. After that I feel like any of my attempts of showing change are mostly ignored, Didn't help that I couldn't stop asking about the group, our relationship, if she noticed things I was doing etc. 3 weeks go by of me continuing to try. During this time my wife agrees to one boundary, while she is still considering what I am working to show her, she wont send anything unclothed just underwear. That literally brings me to tears and makes me feel happier than I have in awhile. I realize in the morning I just had euphoria over letting my wife send underwear shots to other men and Im disgusted anew. I keep trying and come last friday I'm having a hard time know that not only has a month now passed since she joined and everyday she is on the group is building closer bonds, when I found it it had been about 2 weeks in only. I confront her with how she feels in a more serious way than I have been. She says that the things I have been doing are great but also that doesn't believe their totally genuine. Even if they are then why now, why not the million other times she asked. Also its not really changing how shes done with me. She explains that in best light It feels like Im filling in a hole thats 12 years deep and even if I fill it it will probably take a lot more than that to make her see it as stable. She doesn't know if any of it will ever make it fell the way she use to and she doesn't want to waste my time but its up to me. That night when she comes home she tells me she doesn't think this is fair to me or her. She wont keep anymore boundaries and time will tell if anything changes. I obviously should have kept my mouth shut as I made her think more about this through the day by confronting her. My depression slinks back to its worse state now as I feel my hope is gone. Im still not giving up though. I want to have my wife back, I love her more than anything.
So now I am here hoping to find support and techniques to help. Tomorrow is officially the 1 month mark since she told me. It has been a roller coaster. Since the beginning she has told me still cares for me and wants to be friends. She wants to live here while we sort out our new lives. It is honestly best for both of us financially. She discussed moving out of our bedroom but I haven't allowed it Im just not ready to sleep alone. She hasn't fought me on it. She does what she wants and seems very happy and free. She goes out to see friends, she started smoking again at least socially. She talks on her group and has informed me that the men she lied to me about are no longer apart of her life they got boring and needy. There are new ones but at least I can take solace in that they are from after we separated. Obviously this doesn't help. In my mind ever person in that group is an EA. Regardless if there conversations are sexual or not they are a crouch to help her feel better. She also joined bumble but assures me is just set to BFF mode. She has wanted friends for years and has always had a hard time making and keeping them. She says a lot of that is due to me being overbearing and rude. Shes not wrong in that regard I did chase away her friends and have a very hard time being social. So even when I tried I made her feel anxious when I was around her friends. I am not allowed to really ask her much about anything other than school, work and what we are doing together. She rarely opens up about anything on her own. Every morning she talks with me while getting ready as if everything is fine. We have dinner together, we make decisions about groceries, sometimes even shop together. We spend at least a couple hours each night watching tv and talking. I am still regularly bringing conversations back to us as I don't know what else to talk about. I remind her that even though I'm depressed I am not being negative anymore. That my mind is fully focused on a positive outcome and I want to prove that to her. Over the last month she slowly stopped the act. She wont wear a wedding ring at all anymore regardless if we are going to see my or her family. Neither have been told yet. She has finally stopped telling me she loves me when she leaves a literal 12 year habit that has never been skipped before. She never mentions us on her own. So far only 1 friend of hers has been told no one else knows. The group was told she was separated but before she joined, so no hard feelings to anyone for being a home wreaker. A couple days ago she added one of the group members to her regular facebook with all our family. She has become very close to this girl and tells me even if we got back together she would want to fight to keep that friendship. I dont know how to feel about that. Today I plan to start making phone calls to find a IC. I told my wife that is my plan and she should look into it as well. I have been working harder on not bringing up our relationship anymore. I have been giving her more space to figure out what shes doing. It has not been easy and I am definitely not accomplishing it that well. I finally reached out to my sister and told her whats going on. I have no friends at all. Havent for many years. I am not close to my family either but I had no where else to go. She has been very helpful and we have been closer than we ever have been. I am going to try and spend more time there a week to help give us both space.
I feel miserable and don't know what is going to happen next. I hope that things will someday change for the better in our relationship. I want to have my wife back. I want to make her feel the way she deserves and give her the life we have always wanted. I want to start the family that we have worked sooo hard to finally be somewhat stable enough to have. Our life together has been full of ups and downs. Every step of the way we had to face some sort of obstacle to earn the next milestone. Jeez my wife broke her humerus the day we were supposed to close on our house playing handball at work. A very rare bone to break. That has always been our life and we have always been there together to get through it. I know it was far from perfect but I never thought we would be here.
To anyone who reads, encourages or offers advice thank you.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Holy smokes dude that was painful to read and you have a full blown Girls Gone Wild on your Hands. Get into IC immediately as you have a lot to work on. I am sorry it has come to this but you came to the right place. See my comments below.
Originally Posted by Illidin
One of the big things in my life has always been affairs. I didn't believe in them.
I don't believe in them either especially when you are married.
Originally Posted by Illidin
She says that maybe she can see us back together if I change.
Take this with a grain of salt.
Originally Posted by Illidin
So I do, I change overnight.
It is impossible for you to change overnight. You have a lot of work to do going forward.
Originally Posted by Illidin
During this time my wife agrees to one boundary, while she is still considering what I am working to show her, she wont send anything unclothed just underwear. That literally brings me to tears and makes me feel happier than I have in awhile. I realize in the morning I just had euphoria over letting my wife send underwear shots to other men and Im disgusted anew.
Yeah that's a tough one.
Originally Posted by Illidin
So now I am here hoping to find support and techniques to help.
You came to the right place.
Originally Posted by Illidin
Tomorrow is officially the 1 month mark since she told me. It has been a roller coaster. Since the beginning she has told me still cares for me and wants to be friends. She wants to live here while we sort out our new lives. It is honestly best for both of us financially.
One month is a blip on the radar. This is going to take months probably years to play out.
Originally Posted by Illidin
She discussed moving out of our bedroom but I haven't allowed it Im just not ready to sleep alone. She hasn't fought me on it.
That is very needy and controlling behavior that you need to STOP immediately.
Originally Posted by Illidin
She does what she wants and seems very happy and free. She goes out to see friends, she started smoking again at least socially. She talks on her group and has informed me that the men she lied to me about are no longer apart of her life they got boring and needy. There are new ones but at least I can take solace in that they are from after we separated. Obviously this doesn't help. In my mind ever person in that group is an EA. Regardless if there conversations are sexual or not they are a crouch to help her feel better. She also joined bumble but assures me is just set to BFF mode.
I am afraid she is not being completely honest with you dude.
Originally Posted by Illidin
She has wanted friends for years and has always had a hard time making and keeping them. She says a lot of that is due to me being overbearing and rude. Shes not wrong in that regard I did chase away her friends and have a very hard time being social. So even when I tried I made her feel anxious when I was around her friends. I am not allowed to really ask her much about anything other than school, work and what we are doing together.
You need to work on the behavior.
Originally Posted by Illidin
I have been working harder on not bringing up our relationship anymore. I have been giving her more space to figure out what shes doing. It has not been easy and I am definitely not accomplishing it that well.
You have to give her time and space to figure her stuff out.
I am not going to lie, this is going to be the toughest thing you have ever gone through in your life. The more you apply pressure the more you will push her away.
Simply put. Its going to seem impossible, but 180 on your non-social and/or controlling habits. Don't tell her anything about what she should do. Controlling. You are probably way more attached and dependent on her than you realize and it will be hard, but go out and work on yourself (when we can again). Read, workout, get out, keep busy and think about how to improve yourself. This has built up over many years and will take a lot of letting go and changing. That hardest part is realizing you need to work on yourself while she figures herself out.
You can do it...read up around here.
Either way, you and possibly your relationship will be better/stronger. Remember that.
Thanks LH you and my sister basically had the same opinion on her behavior. My sister says she thinks she feels like she missed out on her time to be crazy because she was with me and now she wants to live that time again. I agree with what your pointing out not sure I can believe her about anything. And yes I need to stop my controlling behavior. I recognize my faults and am trying to change them. Just finished setting up my first counseling appointment for Monday so hopefully that will help me over time.
Greenman: thanks for the advise. That is the goal to work on those issues. Im trying to keep myself busy but honestly I can't find joy in anything right now. I honestly don't know how to work on my social problems though. I get anxiety easily. I always seem to have nothing to talk about. I have never even understood how to make a friend. I never had any as a kid really just people that had basically been there as an obligation. Kids that my family spent time around. Kids that grew up with me through every grade. I basically lost contact with all of them as we grew into real people and never made any as an adult. So yeah I definitely know I have a serious dependency issue with my wife. I have been fully aware of how unhealthy it is for a little while now. Which obviously makes this all the more harder to lose that only support I have.
I know regardless of how badly I want it to, this won't end easily. I really hope that something good comes out of it for our relationship but I also understand that may not happen. I'm not at a place where I can really even function without that hope yet. I appreciate you guys being here to let me work out some of thoughts in writing.
That I had spent the majority of the last 12 years making her feel like garbage. This honestly isn't something new she has been saying that forever usually in moments of anger though. I have a control issue that I used to belittle my wife, it was not intentional but I realize how silly it was now. Being grumpy about her wearing make up, who she was spending time with, telling her what I thought things were stupid all the time. I pushed away many friends she tried to have. I ruined all kinds of moments with my negativity.
Any idea where your tendency to control came from? Since one of your topics was your dislike of her wearing makeup, perhaps insecurity? I know you say you changed overnight, but that's rare and your actions say the opposite--e.g., snatching her phone, begging, making her stay in your bedroom. You say you don't have a circle of friends. Mine is small and I began building it post-BD. The more you can make your life joyful and satisfying, the more attractive you will be to her, and the better your life regardless of outcome.
Originally Posted by Illidin
She has become very close to this girl and tells me even if we got back together she would want to fight to keep that friendship. I dont know how to feel about that.
Your old relationship is toast. Much later, if and when she's interested in a Relationship 2.0, that would be a fair question to ask--is her new lifestyle and circle of friends one you can accept or no?
Sorry you're going through all this craziness. An EA is of course wrong even if you weren't a perfect partner. Steve85' sitch has similarities (W sending pics) and he reconciled, so keep an eye out for him.
I honestly don't know how to work on my social problems though. I get anxiety easily.
Even before BD, I went from having social anxiety to leading large groups. That one was simple--find a CBT-based app, website, or therapist and work the program. I was done within 3 months.
Originally Posted by Illidin
I always seem to have nothing to talk about.
"Coronavirus" is the new "Weather". Ask what they're doing to get food, stay sane, etc. Their answers will say something about them. Look for commonalities. Look for something they're dying to share.
Quote
I have never even understood how to make a friend. I definitely know I have a serious dependency issue with my wife. I have been fully aware of how unhealthy it is for a little while now. Which obviously makes this all the more harder to lose that only support I have.
To find people, use an app like Meetup. There are also fitness groups. The more people you interact with, the higher the chance you'll find one or more with commonalities. Reach out to past friends, co-workers, etc. You can wish them a "Happy <holiday>'. You can write a 5-word comments on their posts.
It's hard. It's not impossible. Good luck, Illidin.
Any idea where your tendency to control came from? Since one of your topics was your dislike of her wearing makeup, perhaps insecurity? I know you say you changed overnight, but that's rare and your actions say the opposite--e.g., snatching her phone, begging, making her stay in your bedroom.
Probably my father he is terribly controlling in his relationship with my mother and even though Ive worked very hard not to be like them tendencies moved over anyway in different fashions. My sister has similar problems and my brother likely does too. My stuff tends to all be passive aggressive and usual unconsciously. I'll feel irritated or insecure about something. Look moody talk less. Poke jabs at people. In the case of the make up its actually kind of a strange story. When I met her she was a goth princess. Had no problem with make up she has always been stunning. As we dated she started wearing more subdued looks when we went out for a nice date. Which I always complimented more than the heavy approach. As we got more relaxed I regularly saw here without any and always thought that she was amazing gorgeous with her natural face. One day she asked me what I preferred and I said I loved her face without the make up. She stopped wearing it after that because I preferred it. I didn't ask at the time but I thought it was really nice. Years later she started spending some time with some girls and started wearing matching make up with them. Super over the top looks which I said weren't the best look for her. It shouldn't have been more than that, simply that I didn't prefer it but it wasn't. I felt really betrayed that she had stopped doing that thing for me and instead was doing this for these girls. Thats a messed up way to think I know. I was still really young though. That led a serious of outings where I was emotionally a jackass every time she wore it. Of course as you imagine that didn't help the friendship last when they knew I would likely be in the picture long term. Nowadays she wears make up everyday its still on the light side but it is what she wants and I have no issue with it. I have no issue at all to be honest anymore with it. But she still brings up that she doesnt do more or she didn't start doing it again sooner because of the stigma I created then. Obviously there were alot of other things over time issues with her being out late, money was a big one, I have always been very budget conscious and frugal. And as already stated I do not have a proper support system which means I want to do everything with her and get lonely without her. That is of course asking for trouble. I wouldn't let her go places alone or would bug her over and over again while gone. Even if I went though I was usually not fun to be with which made her friends not like inviting us places. I know I can't change my feelings overnight and I am way to insecure with everything happening right now. But I changed alot of the core behaviors. I stopped constantly being negative, I complimented her more, I paid closer attention versus being complacent and half there. The little things I let fade away. The bigger things of course can't be different instantly. Although some of them I have been working on for awhile and she didn't even notice. I have been encouraging to her to go out more and not being bothered when she does. I have been trying to work on my social skills at work so I can start spending more time with her out. We have been doing more spur of the moment outings where before I would always say we couldn't afford it. Thats not to say all the problems were being worked on equally well. My stress and negativity was still pretty much constant everyday. I would complain about probably a million little things a day. Floors creaking that thought needed to be repaired, decisions over who would cook that night, complaining slightly when asked to do something instead of just doing it happily. I also had strong opinions about how quickly she could finish her bachelors program and I would hound her about not committing as much time as we agreed she would when decided to take out loans for it. Mind you she is still killing that program but it was just something that put me on edge cause I didn't want it to hold us back. She hates her job and the sooner she finishes the sooner she change careers and I know she can do it. Our overall communication was breaking down more over the years also which made me snippy. I constantly had to badger her with questions just to find out what happened at work that day. Which has always been a trigger. Having to ask her what she said even once has always been enough to have her rip your head off. So asking a lot of questions was always a sure fight.
To find people, use an app like Meetup. There are also fitness groups. The more people you interact with, the higher the chance you'll find one or more with commonalities. Reach out to past friends, co-workers, etc. You can wish them a "Happy <holiday>'. You can write a 5-word comments on their posts.
I tried meetup once and couldn't find anything in my town. Everything would have required me to travel into the city an hour away. Even then most of it was crafts, hikes, sports or bar meetups. Im not really crafty, hikes are something im kinda interested in but am not in shape right now. I hurt my legs when I was kid and can't hyperextend so most sports have always been kinda out for me and I don't enjoy them to watch either. Don't drink at all so people who drink recreationally dont usually find me fun. I use to really be into cinema but fell out of it after my wife and I got more serious. A board game group would be fun. I enjoy a good game of cards although don't have too much gambling money all the time. I don't usually see things like that posted out there often though. I have reached out to really the only person I have ever considered a friend. We talked for about a week its kinda fallen apart since then. I kinda understand hes coming out a rough time and trying to make a 5 year relationship work so dealing with a sad third wheel right now probably isn't ideal. I'll think about all of these things though. Try to see who I think I can reach out too. that is actually still local.
Illidin, I am sorry you are here, but glad you found us. We can help, and we can encourage you. Remember, encouragement is both attaboys, and 2x4s. No one here is mean on purpose so prepare yourself for some hard things to hear. We've all been there. If you read my threads on my sitch you will see I was getting 2x4s left and right!!
I related to a lot of what you wrote. I too was a controlling, mean, overbearing, jerk. No easier way to put it. My W and I were terrible at conflict resolutions. She was not interested in sex. She isn't a good house-keeper and is a SAHM. The frustration, anger, resentment and bitterness grew over time. To the point where I felt used and unappreciated. That made me negative. I belittled every TV show she watched. Every song she enjoyed. Every hobby and pastime she engaged in. So by time Bomb Day rolled around, she was completely right in telling me she wanted out. (She wasn't right in her behavior leading up to that point, but that is another story.)
So the dynamics sound similar. One thing you need to know, is that her thoughts of taking this step of ending your relationship has gone on for a longtime. Many WASs start mentally walking away at least a year before BD. Some even longer than that. So while you are on a roller-coaster, and want to fix everything, it can't be done. Certainly you can't talk her into changing her mind. You can't talk your way out of what took you years to act your way into. And even if you started doing everything right from this moment on, it will take a long time to act your way back into a new marriage with her.
Your marriage is over. Dead. Never coming back. Now you can work on creating a on new marriage, MR 2.0 we like to call it, but understand that is months, if not years away. And sadly may not be with your W. Not going to lie, odds are against you. Especially since you've already done so many wrong things.
You see, after BD the right thing to do is to back off, give her space, focus on you. That means keep yourself busy apart from her (what you described above for your new normal ain't that). That means not begging, pleading, reasoning etc. Also, as controller, you need to stop all controlling behaviors. Immediately. More on that in a minute. You need to continue to do what you are doing around improving yourself. BUT, remember this rule. The minute you point out to her your positive changes, the impact of that change is lost. Potentially forever. No one ever believes someone has truly changed if that person is constantly pointing it out to the other person. Proving permanent change takes consistency and time. Permanent change isn't a snow storm. What those produce come and go. Permanent change is a glacier etching permanent changes into the earth over hundreds and thousands of years. Be the glacier.
Finally, you have to work on detachment. Loving, emotional detachment. Google "Self-differentiation in marriage" for a good healthy way you should be with your wife. You need to really work on detaching your emotions and reactions from her words and deeds. Yeah, that is tough, but you can do it. And the benefits to your current situation, and in a future relationship with her would astound you!!
So back to controlling. Your controlling nature has never ceased. You still have been trying to control her, and your situation. You have control over neither!! And trying to exert control over those will cause them to spin further out of your control and push her farther and farther away. How have you been controlling? Reread your OP: demanding boundaries, insisting on her talking about the relationship, trying to get her to agree to trying, etc. All CONTROLLING. Even your IC search showed control:
"I am going to do IC, and I suggest you do the same." Sorry dude, that is controlling. "I want you to do IC because maybe the IC will tell you to stay with me!" First, that is pressure and pursuit. Second, that is an expectation that you are surely going to be disappointed about. Read other sitchs here and you will see the majority of IC tell the WAS they are doing the right thing! Some don't but the majority do.
This would have been non-controlling: "I have decided to do IC. A lot has happened, and I need to learn how to deal with it and work through it."
Illidin, I think the best thing you can focus on, other than yourself (through GAL and staying busy, 180s and self-improvements, and detachment) is to remove ALL pressure and pursuit. Every time you have an impulse to do something or say somthing, stop yourself and ask: "is this in any way pressure or pursuit". Even if you have an inkling of a doubt that it isn't, then DON'T SAY OR DO IT!! Your goal is zero, zip, nada pressure or pursuit.
One last plug on detachment, it is so important to work on. You noticing everything she is doing (not saying I love you (by the way if you are still saying it, stop),not wearing her ring), shows just how attached you are. I get the sense that a lot of what is going on is an extreme level of unhealthy attachment. A lot of your old behaviors are tied to that. Chasing friends away, not being social, shows almost a fixation on her and wanting her all to yourself. Even the excuses for not having kids! Trust me, there never a good time to have kids. Probation at work, financial downturns, buying things. There is ALWAYS an excuse. I think deep down you didn't want to have kids because then her focus wouldn't be solely on you. So I think you can make huge inroads at potentially reconciliation if, if you can emotionally detach. I think the unfair pressure of her having to constantly try to make you happy broke her. There is nothing more unfair than making someone responsible for your happiness. So 180 on that and work on detachment.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
