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#2892924 04/22/20 01:00 AM
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Previous Thread:

It's crazy out there


I was hesitating to start a new thread. Sometimes I wonder if 12 years here is enough and if I am just spinning in the same circle. Most days I realize this place has kept my head mostly straight for the last 12 years. I am so appreciative of the friends I've made and the support I have.

I decided to take tomorrow off of work. I am just tired. My coworkers helped me come up with a reason that wouldn't make work suspect I have the 'Rona. SO tomorrow I am calling out and taking some me and D12 time. She super needs it too. Today I got lots of free stuff at work. Free english muffins, Dr. Scholls and free lunch. The donations are very nice. I've managed to stick to my diet with all the treats too.

I miss my friends and my family. I am very fortunate to go to work and I happen to love the people I work with at both jobs. So I get to socialize there. But as an extrovert, this is rough. My dad and his wife are coming over for mothers day if the weather is nice and we will all hang outside and socially distance. He bought me 4 sero gravity charis that got delivered today for us to hang out with and chill.

So, I come here for some feedback. I've gotten some already but this has me a little baffled. My ex and I. We seem to have developed this thing where we help eachother out and thank eachother and appreciate eachother. He comes over and fixes things, and bring things here and helps out.He thanks me for my nice gestures and i thank him for his.

ANd get this: he asks me how I am doing, tells me I deserve some time off and tells me when I am in the grocery store that I should be home resting. He validates my feelings. I have no idea who this man is.

He either wants something from me and is about to to drop a bomb.,,,, or...... is he possibly a changed man? I am enjoying our positive interactions and the help. But I can't help but be suspicious, and well, sad. Sad it took this long. Sad he couldn't be this man when we were married. I can't begin to tell you how much better he treats me now.

I'm just curious. I am taking it for face value and appreciating the way we help eachother.... but the compassion and empathy and validating..... so not him. Maybe the "Rona got him?

In other news, I have also had my mind on an ex alot right now. Not my exH, but a certain ex. Somedays I just miss him so much and wish things could have been different. I feel like it's a real shame things ended the way they were and he couldn't handle the great thing he had.

OH, and I started reading the book "the modern breakup" sucha good book. I am not a self help person, but it's so relatable, it's like reading about me and my dating experiences.

D 12 tells me that I "don't need a man right now ". she's right. I don't.

Last edited by job; 04/22/20 08:25 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
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so not him. Maybe the "Rona got him?


Well - they do think it can cause neurological changes lol.

Honestly - pardon my suspicious mind but - I think maybe his relationship with OW is crumbling so he’s trying to get his narcissistic supply elsewhere. Just use it to your advantage and don’t think about it beyond that.

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I agree with kml. If I wanted to be negative I could suggest that he's "sniffing around" to see if you are still an option. If I wanted to be positive, I could say that he does care about you and helping you out and being thanked for it feels good to him.

The truth? Probably somewhere in the middle. You know this man though as well as anyone could. You've seen him without the veil of being wrapped up emotionally. Make sure your boundaries are solid, that you are true to yourself and your values and don't let him draw you in farther than you want. Especially be careful if you've had something to drink.

I think that the consensus is that none of them really change. They can put on "nice" and it probably feels really good but underneath they are the same selfish people they always were.

As far as thinking about ex's. Yeah - I totally get that. I can even guess which one. It's easy to gloss over the things that we glossed over and accepted during the relationship and view it positively. It's also ok to miss someone that you cared about and to miss just "being together". I certainly have that too.

Enjoy your day off! You need it.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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I agree with the above. Narcissists tends to be nice and helpful to everyone else. Right now, you are everyone else. Your not within his family system. Your an outsider so he’s being nice and helpful to you and yeah he’s definitely sniffing around and I bet OW is upset (good she deserves it) but he doesn’t deserve trust from you. Just use him for whatever you can (dog walking, baby sitting) but don’t trust him


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G,

I agree with Andy that you need to be careful that you don’t put the beer goggles on and try to jump his bones lol.

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G.....I understand the thoughts and questions but I can tell you that I will never, ever step in the direction of an X ever again. If they dump me they are out and would really have to earn it to get back in my good graces again. In the words of one of my on-line dating advisors...…."They would have to eat a whole lot of a$$".

Keep on keeping on G! You're ok!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
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2nd marriages last around 7-14 years depending on which stat you read. 67% of 2nd marriages fail because people (among other things) didn’t fix themselves first. He married his affair partner what could possibly go wrong? I’m nowhere near as healed as you but can I laugh...please? I really need to laugh today.

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I just want to say first, even if he was a changed man, I don’t want him back. I’m just wondering if there is an ulterior motive or he genuinely is changing.

But I don’t think either is it. I think as you guys said, because I’m an outsider, he’s being nice. And I’m going to take it for face value And enjoy the help and the niceness.

I don’t care what’s going on in his current marriage, if he’s questioning it, if it’s crumbling, and what the stats are. I do know I don’t want them to break up. I don’t want my D to have to go through that .

I have no plans on taking back any of my ex’s. The only one I would ever contemplate is the one I was speaking of if he was a changed man who admitted he was a fool. But that isn’t happening.

So I move forward, a divorced, single woman.

And yes, being off today was super super nice and much needed . Got a free “thank you” meal from mc Donald’s for D12z she loves her Mc Donald’s and I let her have it once in a blue moon

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As a general rule I don't think people change drastically without facing some sort of adversity so my vote is ulterior motive.

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Originally Posted by Ginger1

So, I come here for some feedback. I've gotten some already but this has me a little baffled. My ex and I. We seem to have developed this thing where we help eachother out and thank eachother and appreciate eachother. He comes over and fixes things, and bring things here and helps out.He thanks me for my nice gestures and i thank him for his.

He either wants something from me and is about to to drop a bomb.,,,, or...... is he possibly a changed man? I am enjoying our positive interactions and the help. But I can't help but be suspicious, and well, sad. Sad it took this long. Sad he couldn't be this man when we were married. I can't begin to tell you how much better he treats me now.

I'm just curious. I am taking it for face value and appreciating the way we help eachother.... but the compassion and empathy and validating..... so not him. Maybe the "Rona got him?



Ginger,

It always amazes me how much I can relate to the things you write, other than being an extrovert, lol. I have a similar case with my ex, I end up being nice as does she for the most part. She's offered to get me hard to find items this last week (cleaning supplies, toilet paper, etc) as she has a friend who can hold them for her. I think the big difference is I end up keeping her at an arms distance and never really accept it. Shes never been inside my apartment nor have I her house, which shes lived in for almost 4 years. I have no intention of ever doing so either. She used to invite me to parties she would throw the kids, I declined. I explained to kids my own reasons and we did things on our own to make our own memories. I know you two end up around each-other frequently, I've basically avoided it completely and wont let it in. My kids don't have sports or events, other that birthday parties she throws, so that avoids most of the situations. I know there will be some in the future that I'll deal with and that's ok.

Other than that I get the frustration in general in being lonely. I'm at 5 years from D and still haven't been in any real relationship. I've barely dated actually. I end up reading your threads for some insights into what I might see later on, because some of it i'm sure I will. I've had so many similar past experiences and I think I have a general similar feeling toward ex that you do. Like you don't want them broken up because of what it would do to your kid, same here. It would just cause too much damage and disruption to kids lives. I would also never want them in your life as a partner either, although I'm sure most people in this forum topic would feel the same.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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For some reason I haven't had the mental fortitude to update on the board but I saw my friend Fogg stopped by and I got the will!

I think it is good me and the ex have a kind relationship. Best for everyone. Sometimes it does cross boundaries that I am uncomfortable with. Like yesterday he and the wife made a surprise visit to my house with a dozen of Krispy Kreme donuts. I imagine they were more for D12, but I invited them to in to sit and the such and thanked them, Sometimes the nice gestures take a toll on me mentally. Nice stuff shouldn't, but it does at times. It's like a mind F.

Currently D12 is in her room doing a zoom with her dad and his wife and her family. I told her she had to go in her room for this. I just don't want everyone "in" my house. I need to set some kind of boundaries for myself.
The lonliness is a tough one to tackle. I am lonely for a healthy partner. I would way rather be alone than to just be with someone. That I am sure of. My frustration lies in not meeting that healthy partner, especially when it seems like a simple thing for everyone else. It's a long drawn out series of disappointments and lessons in my 40 years. In the end I realize being alone is way better than just being with someone to be with them.

Today all D12 and I did was binge watch TV and color. Seriously. It's a rainy day and it was awesome. I am about to embark on a 6 day work week so I needed a little down time.I did my lawn yesterday for the first time this season and that was alot of work. ANd i think I have poison Ivy or something too. Lucky me. I also have achilles tendonitis and can't run. My podiatrist basically told me running is not for everyone. So, I/m going to have to find another option. Yesterday we did a drive by birthday for D12's bestie. It was orchestrated by D12 and I am really impressed with how she put it together.

Last, but not least my aunt is back in the hospital. On my unit. With COVID. My cousin is freaking. SHe's been home for 2 days from the psych hospital, was in the regular hospital(diverted from going ot my hospital where she normally goes) during that admission and hasn't been home in a long time. I am very concerned about her. SHe has dementia and a psychotic component which came out after her open heart surgery where she almost dies back in september. She is in restraints in the hospital because they can't do sitters anymore. SHe is medically fragile and was a 55 year smoker. ANd the whole family was exposed over the last 2 days including her 78 year old father and her 7 year old son. Such a mess.

Pleasant update, right? ha! I've got a lot going on. I'm working too much. But I do know I have been appreciating the small things in life. Like quality time with my D. The being alone everyday all day is taking a toll on her and she just likes having me around. ANd i like having her around even when her favorite hobby is finding ways to spend my money

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It could be that this situation is pointing out to ex and his wife what is important and what isn't. Family matters. You've always put your daughter's needs first, in this most difficult of situations. Perhaps this is their way of making amends.

Re: your aunt, honey I'm so sorry. xoxoxoxo {{{{{G}}}}}


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

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Sometimes the nice gestures take a toll on me mentally. Nice stuff shouldn't, but it does at times. It's like a mind F.

You’re a better woman than I .
((((((Hug)))))

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Ginger,

You are a fantastic mother and this health crisis is drawing attention to everyone what is important in life. A lot of people in my area are now reassessing what is important and coming to realize that family and friends are far more important than material things. People are realizing that they don't need all those shiny new toys and remembering what it was like growing up in the days gone by. Maybe the same is happening w/your xh.

You and your D have a close relationship and I'm glad you two were able to be at home and enjoy the time together watching TV and doing other activities. You've done a great job in raising her on your own.

I'm keeping your aunt in my thoughts and prayers. Please stay safe.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Like yesterday he and the wife made a surprise visit to my house with a dozen of Krispy Kreme donuts. I imagine they were more for D12, but I invited them to in to sit and the such and thanked them, Sometimes the nice gestures take a toll on me mentally. Nice stuff shouldn't, but it does at times. It's like a mind F.


My kids are older and so I'm 100% NC with H. I'm new to this obviously but I've already decided that I will do this like Fogg does and then some. H has been in my house once but that was early on and it won't happen again. I can't wait until D14 can drive then I won't go anywhere near his house. Despite what the stupid divorce papers I am going to get a new phone number. He can coordinate visits via the kids like he does now.

As far as the OW goes I hope they stay together and are miserable. If they stay together then he will leave me alone.

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The lonliness is a tough one to tackle. I am lonely for a healthy partner. My frustration lies in not meeting that healthy partner, especially when it seems like a simple thing for everyone else. It's a long drawn out series of disappointments and lessons in my 40 years.


It's when people hers say things like this that I get so sad but I'm not so convinced that it's simple for everyone else. From my own observations many people I know just settled because they didn't want to be alone. They might seem happy on the outside but either they've admitted to me the truth or my kids have spent enough time at their houses to see how it really is.

I'm aware some people hit the jackpot and marry a healthy person the second time around but the divorce rate on 2nd marriages is 67%. I only point this out to make myself feel better because well I'm down today.

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Hi Ginger,

Wow--you're going through so much right now. I just wanted to let you know another random Internet person is sending well-wishes and hugs your way, and I mean that earnestly.

Originally Posted by Ginger
I am lonely for a healthy partner. I would way rather be alone than to just be with someone.

Originally Posted by kas99
They might seem happy on the outside but either they've admitted to me the truth or my kids have spent enough time at their houses to see how it really is.


Ginger, because the vast majority of time you're content and can be happy alone, I'm confident you can be so in a relationship. Even dating, I continue to discover the answers lie within. My partner has a neurodegenerative disease--so I guess my bar is more than "someone" and less than "healthy". [We click and are kindred spirits in our desire and ability for outdoor adventures, and she has many amazing traits.] You know how to set boundaries. I mean to say I bet you're capable of being enriched by the plusses of an imperfect human without being dragged so much by the minuses.

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It feels like a mind F. Because it is a mind F. It’s like a rapist bringing flowers to your home. Those nice gestures would take a toll on anyone because they normalize and trivialize their bad behaviors. They make you think that she’s not a bad person for sleeping with a pregnant woman’s husband - because look - she brings donuts!

I know you do all this for your daughter ( you are an incredible mom) and there’s something to be said to be able to keep your enemies closer. I get that. Personally, I prefer minimal contact But I get where your coming from. I think my mindset when my ex mil or ex husband does something nice is more of a “good. They should be doing a lot more considering the crap they got away with but I saved this amount of money or got some extra babysitting etc. “. I do know you have to just stay polite in order to get more from them later on. But emotionally I view them as someone that owes me and that helps prevent the feeling of being mind f”d.


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JujuB #2893470 04/27/20 05:58 PM
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Originally Posted by JujuB
I think my mindset when my ex mil or ex husband does something nice is more of a “good. They should be doing a lot more considering the crap they got away with but I saved this amount of money or got some extra babysitting etc. “. I do know you have to just stay polite in order to get more from them later on. But emotionally I view them as someone that owes me and that helps prevent the feeling of being mind f”d.


this is interesting to me as the last conversation I had with my ex-mil was when she called me about a month after my dad's funeral with all sorts of excuses for her absence, and an apology for not acknowledging my birthday or Christmases with gifts since the split, and that she thinks of me all the time, and acknowledges how hard I work and that all the heavy lifting is on my shoulders. She concluded by asking about my new house and saying she wanted to buy me something REALLY nice (read: expensive) that would make my house that much more special to me. Don't worry about how big it is or anything ... she's happy to buy it.

I said, not necessary. She insisted and I said I'd think about it.

Well, I thought about it and concluded a few things:

* I'm not so easily bought
* I don't need any reminders of her in my new home
* I'm not inclined to let her write a check to allay her guilt. No. She can live with what she did that set this all in motion, just as she can live with how she treated me for 26 years.

Maybe that makes me an unforgiving B!tc&. If so, oh well.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

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A box full of darkness.
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Originally Posted by bttrfly
Maybe that makes me an unforgiving B!tc&. If so, oh well.

Does it? I forgive my parents, but I don't want to talk to them, or receive cards/gifts from them.

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Being an unforgiving b!tch is not a bad thing smile. But my ex screwed me financially. He was stealing 700 a week for years. So anything I get - is really for my young son and I view as the least they can do and will take full advantage if I could. I personally would take it - because it wouldn’t have the effect of bribing me - I would still hate them and remember. I view it as owed. I don’t view it as allaying their guilt. Not that either of them has done significantly a lot. Ex mil will buy him some clothes once a year - but I have no qualms accepting it. I almost view it more as a one up as opposed to a loss of pride. But I get your point too.


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They make you think that she’s not a bad person for sleeping with a pregnant woman’s husband - because look - she brings donuts!


Hahahaha! Donuts! Yeah, that'll make it all right!

Btrrfly - no I wouldn't want some expensive gift from your ex MIL in your house reminding you of her - or your ex.

I made sure not to keep any of the home furnishings or artwork that would have reminded me of my ex, and I'm glad for it.

Now if she wanted to give you MONEY - go for it!

G - hope you're doing ok, and that things at work will start to calm down in the next couple of weeks.

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I will tell you all that donuts surely don’t make up for what they have done. I’ve forgiven, but I haven’t forgotten. At times I wonder if I’m weak because I accept the kindness and don’t still remind him how awful what he did was. What both of them did. But where would that get me? Certainly would get me farther away from peace, not closer. And I just want my own peace.

How am I doing otherwise? I dunno. Some days I’m fine. Some days I am sad, other days I don’t know how I feel. And that might be the worst place for me. Feeling torn in my feelings. I know I’m tired. I know I hate working 2 jobs. I also know I’m lucky to have 2 jobs. I feel lucky that I am I can recognize I can be happy uncoupled and that it would be worse to be coupled with someone who doesn’t add to my life, doesn’t value me, or just stresses me out. But I sometimes I am just tired from having to take on all the responsibility of the world alone. And not to have someone’s shoulder to lay my head on and feel safe with at the end of the day

In a nutshell, I feel very conflicted lately. It’s a little unsettling. But I guess we all feel that way right now.

My aunt is still at the hospital and while she is doing Ok with the COVID, she is just mentally gone. And it is so sad. Her psychotic dementia is bad. I hate it for everyone. She is only 70.

My manager’s last day was officially yesterday. We have no replacement so I am doing the schedule along with the admin assistant. I took on a bit of a stressful job with no additional compensation. Hopefully I won’t upset anyone. We plan to fair like my manager was. She will be missed very much.

A few coworkers and I went to see if we could see the blue angels fly for the healthcare workers today on the main rd outside the hospital. Everyone who drove by us waned and thanked us. It’s very humbling .

My dad and his wife have been slowly getting me some birthday gifts. They ordered me a new outdoor dining set I’m excited to get. I’m super depressed about turning 40. First, I really thought M and I would get to celebrate together. Then obviously not. But I had friends who were going to make it special for me and we were going to FL . And now, we’ll. Nothing . Stinks. Not only will I be alone, I’ll be very very very alone. Except of course for my daughter. But you know what I mean.

But I will count my blessings. When I get down, I just count my blessings. I know what they are and I don’t take them for granted

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I will tell you all that donuts surely don’t make up for what they have done. I’ve forgiven, but I haven’t forgotten. At times I wonder if I’m weak because I accept the kindness and don’t still remind him how awful what he did was. What both of them did. But where would that get me? Certainly would get me farther away from peace, not closer. And I just want my own peace.



You are not weak missy.. after years of doing everything I could to hurt my ex I finally forgave her.. But by the time I finally got over trying to hurt her, my peace offering went by without response, and for the record my response was only for my sons sake (graduation, wedding, and other big gatherings). I wish for his sake she would have responded because it just makes life easier for the kids.. if he does or says something inappropriate, address it immediately, but if that doesn’t happen it is best case scenario for her to see y’all being civil and maybe even nice.


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10/31/16 - We sold house
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Forgiving someone does not mean you have to forget. I think you are very much doing the right thing with this. You really are. You are being the adult and the bigger person. It’s without any doubt the best for your daughter and really it is the best and most healthy for you. You really should be very proud of yourself in how you are handling it. Deep down I think your ex and perhaps even his wife see it and know it.

As for the second job, what better time to do it. It’s not like you are missing out on doing anything. It’s not like your friends are out having fun while you work. You’re not missing anything but are paying down some debt. You won’t have to do this forever. Hopefully when there are things to do you can cut back on the second job and join in. Trust me its much better having something to do than sitting around day after day with nothing to do and no pay check to cash.

Other than the physical aspects (not just sex) you may be doing better. Were you really happier with either of the last two guys? Sure physically and having someone to sleep next to maybe you were but overall I think you have less stress and less anxiety now. No ones life is perfect or even great. On balance I think you’re doing much better than you think or feel you are.


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this is interesting to me as the last conversation I had with my ex-mil was when she called me about a month after my dad's funeral with all sorts of excuses for her absence, and an apology for not acknowledging my birthday or Christmases with gifts since the split, and that she thinks of me all the time, and acknowledges how hard I work and that all the heavy lifting is on my shoulders. She concluded by asking about my new house and saying she wanted to buy me something REALLY nice (read: expensive) that would make my house that much more special to me. Don't worry about how big it is or anything ... she's happy to buy it.


Granted I'm bitter but this is total bs. When I got my new place my mostly broke coworkers pitched in and bought me dishes. They didn't ask me if I needed anything they just paid attention. Not only that but they bought me the exact dishes I wanted. No hoopla, no fanfare just a simple wrapped box sitting on my desk.

So that would be a no from me on this gift. I don't want anything in my house that doesn't bring me joy.

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Originally Posted by JujuB
Being an unforgiving b!tch is not a bad thing smile. But my ex screwed me financially. He was stealing 700 a week for years. So anything I get - is really for my young son and I view as the least they can do and will take full advantage if I could. I personally would take it - because it wouldn’t have the effect of bribing me - I would still hate them and remember. I view it as owed. I don’t view it as allaying their guilt. Not that either of them has done significantly a lot. Ex mil will buy him some clothes once a year - but I have no qualms accepting it. I almost view it more as a one up as opposed to a loss of pride. But I get your point too.


This makes sense too. In this case I'd try to get something I could sell or a check. smile

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DH, I agree that the relationship I have woth my ex is for the better. It’s better for me and my D. Today he picked up D when I was at work and carried the boxes of my new patio furniture up the stairs. It was a big help. I didn’t even ask. Right now is a good time to work because Of the situation. Part of me just wishes I would have taken a job a little different from my regular job, but it is what it is. And it turns out I don’t have to work Saturday.

It also turns out I get pandemic pay. With my other job, this job, and pandemic pay I had a really fat paycheck. I invested some in bills and some in a new grill and fire pit. And I think my daughter has me sold on a trampoline after her power point presentation. Other than my purchases, I paid off all my store credit cards. Feels good!

On the money/ work front, as I mentioned, my manager retired. I’ve taken over doing the schedule. Which is fine. But what has thrown me off is a good deal of my coworkers begging me to apply for her position and giving some pretty convincing testimonies as why I should. Which are quite complimentary and humbling. One person from a different department interviewed. I went to look for the position online at the end of the day, but didn’t see it. I know that person only interviewed today. I think I would be good at it. However, I’ve been here in my position for only a little over a year. And the boss above me is the problem. No one wants to work under her. However, she kind of likes me and has been complimenting me all week. It’s terrifying to apply. But I guess good things might come from facing fear. I’m going to sit in it this weekend and see what I can do. This week I got a patient successfully transferred to a field hospital. I was the first to do that. And the doctor was grateful for me coming up with the discharge plan and doing all the work. I’ve also been having a great time in my temporary office and am having fun with my coworkers there. I’m lucky to be in a good spot in my career.

My life is good considering everything now. Would I like to share the good stuff with someone else? Sure. I think I’ve always felt like I was a failure at relationships because I can’t hold onto a man. But I have friends for 20+ years. My daughter and I have an amazing bond. I am respected and successful at work. People simply like me.

So, my worth or value should never come from having a partner. Why is that the ultimate definition for most? It is not the ultimate sign of success for me. Everything else I have accomplished and where I am is my personal success. And maybe one day I will share in my successes with someone else. Only if they are strong enough, confident and don’t bring me down.

Don, you are right. My life is significantly better without the anxiety of a dating and a partner who causes me stress. I really do miss the physical aspects, affection, and someone to come home to talk to, but unless that person is worthy, well, I rather be without it

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
However, she kind of likes me and has been complimenting me all week.
Just as an aside, I know from personal experience on how that can turn on a dime.

Always remember that the crowd that applauds your coronation is the same crowd that will applaud your beheading. People like a show.

Glad you are doing well on the financial front. The choices you have made will make your life so much easier without dragging that weight behind you. Glad you thought to spoil yourself a bit too.


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Well, the reason why the job was taken down was because it was filled. And I’m pretty happy with whom filled it. She doesn’t work in our department, but she works in our hospital and I interact with her often and I think she will be great and she is well qualified. I was kind of disappointed but what is meant to be will be, and it wasn’t meant to be.

I had a nice weekend with myself. The weather was amazing and I got stuff done around the house and outside . Unfortunately I had another reaction to maybe grass? Both my for arms and hands broke out in an awful rash. It’s getting a little better. I also got a little sunburn, but i like the color.

My aunt is still in the hospital and she wouldn’t eat. They tried to FaceTime my cousin but she still wouldn’t do it. So today my nurses on the floor and the manager were supportive of getting me in the room and I got to wear the space helmet. The good news is she ate for me. I had to feed her and I was in there for a while, but she ate for me. I’ll go in again tomorrow. I discharged a patient after 35 days. We had a clap out for him. His wife became tearful on the phone with me and was just so happy and thankful. It’ll be a while he is on the home oxygen, but he will be home. I’m concerned people are going to get too cocky and gather too quickly. The weather here on Sunday was 80 degrees which is warm for the NY/NJ area this time of year . People went the beaches and state parks. Some were good, some weren’t .

I worked an hour and half later today. But it is what it is. Our new chest freezer came and I can’t wait to fill it. I’m definitely stimulating the economy with my money, but I’m also paying off bills.


Sunday my dad and his wife are coming over for Mother’s Day and I’m really looking for to it. We miss them. I miss my friends. I miss doing social stuff, restaurants. Bars, live music....... it’s tough to miss out on these things especially as a single woman. Dating is obviously off the table which is fine. I’m not feeling it anyways. I’m lucky to go work and I consider my coworkers friends , so I do get to see my friends.

Under a month until 40. It’s really getting to me. At least my coworker said with my new hair that I look 27. That felt good! I’m not where I imagined I would be at 40, but I’m not in a bad place. I’m where I’m supposed to be I guess

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Today was a wonderful Mother’s Day. I got to see my dad and his wife after over 2 months. It was great. I got my new grill yesterday And grilled some delicious meals. Then we spent some time around my new fire pit making a s’mores .

The ex texted me yesterday before he picked up D12 for a few hours. Asking if I needed anything and i needed him to do anything around the house . I told him I was fine. His W dropped her off. She kept
Talking to me and make sure to tell D 12 that Sunday is mommy’s day and she should take good care of me. Ha! Then today the ex made the most heartfelt. Mother’s Day to me than he ever did in 12 years . A week before my first Mother’s Day I found out he was having an affair and that was why he left me. This Mother’s Day he told
Me not to work to hard and to relax and enjoy it.

It wa as good one . But I hate so much that I missed I felt like I missed M. I missed M and his mom and his son. But I also remember Iast Mother’s Day we got in an little disagreement over his son knowing I was his girlfriend .
He never took me
Seriously , so I should not miss him. And I hate I do.

But regardless, I had a great day. I’m happy

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You don’t miss M, you miss the fantasy you were trying to shoehorn him into. Know the difference.

Glad you had fun and got to enjoy the fire pit!

I have a friend IRL that I met here about 15 years ago (turned out she lived a mile from my house). Her husband was one of those sudden departures - stood up at dinner saying he couldn’t take it anymore and left for the OW she didn’t know he had.

It was an acrimonious divorce and he married the OW. While my friend had stayed on top of her husband’s health issues (diabetes and heart disease) her daughter reported that food at his new home was all junk food.

This last year their daughter married and her ex actually gave a speech recognizing what a great job my friend had done raising their daughter and admitting he had little to do with it. Could have knocked her over with a feather!

Now he’s dead of his neglected diseases and OW has stage 4 colon cancer.

Not sure where I’m going with this, guess your ex’s improved behavior reminded me of that.

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You are correct KML. I miss what I hoped could have been. But wasn’t . Good thing is I’m over it. And I would never actually reach out to him, and no matter how nice my ex is , he’s not the one I miss.

It’s all good. Back to normal today. Yesterday was great! I have cleaning to do when I get home but so worth it.

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so glad this is where you're at now dolly dear. you've done a lot of hard work to get here. xoxoxo i'm proud of you!


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OK - this is not going to be a pleasant post.

For those people that know Cat04 - she is in the hospital for brain surgery.
She possibly has the big C, not good, please everyone pray for her!


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Thank you for letting us know. I will keep her and her family in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep up apprised of how her surgery goes.


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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frown

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Originally Posted by job
Please keep up apprised of how her surgery goes.

Surgery is over and she is up and ready to be feisty! smile

All I know so far.


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I’ve heard the same! She’s a tough cookie that cat! With many who love her

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Thanks for the update. She's a fighter and she will not allow this to get her down. Thanks for the update!


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I realize I’m a bit depressed. As always , a highly functioning depressed and you would never know it if you interacted with me, but I’m down. This area of country I am realizing is so much different than others. Other places are reopening and resuming life as normal. I was shocked to see that from these boards. But here, it’s not happening, nor should it happen that way, nor will things ever be close to the same. I get up, I go to work, I come blame. The things I used to look forward to as a single woman and an extrovert are gone. And will be gone a long time. Gathering with friends and family, going to a concert, a bar, going on a date, a vacation. They are gone. Running to my friends house to hang out? Gone. Spa day with the girls? Gone. Gone for a long time. And I come home and n adults. Love my daughter. But she isn’t an adult. I got some adults at work though.

But the reality of the new life is making me sad. I feel like I’ll be pretty lonely forever. And just having nothing to look forward to is really rough. I don’t even have the will to look nice anymore. I go to work, wear a mask most of the day and scrubs. No one ever sees me. On the rate occasion I go to the store, I wear a mask, no one sees me. I don’t have anyone to look good for at home, so why bother ? I shave only in case I need to go to the hospital, lol. And last night I almost went as I was having the worst right lower quadrant pain all day. Thought I had appendicitis. It’s better today, but I had a rough night. I felt feverish and achy. But I was off today and even though I was up early, I took a 3 hour nap because I was oh so tired.

So yeah, I’m depressed. And lonely. And a little scared, quite honestly. But it what it is. At least I still have an income and my health . But I sure as heck could see how people’s mental health is going downhill at this time

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((Ginger1))

Keep an eye on yourself. Even without Covid19 - stress can do the body a lot of damage I'm sure. Hopefully you can figure out some self-care even if it's just in your back yard with your feet up.


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Yeah this is extra tough on extroverts. Is introverts just think “yay, an excuse to stay home and read a book!.

But even I, am introvert, and one who still sees my coworkers in the office and conducts telemedicine visits with my patients, am getting a little antsy, so I can only imagine how hard this is for extroverts.

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I realize I’m a bit depressed. As always , a highly functioning depressed and you would never know it if you interacted with me, but I’m down. This area of country I am realizing is so much different than others. Other places are reopening and resuming life as normal. I was shocked to see that from these boards. But here, it’s not happening, nor should it happen that way, nor will things ever be close to the same. I get up, I go to work, I come blame. The things I used to look forward to as a single woman and an extrovert are gone. And will be gone a long time. Gathering with friends and family, going to a concert, a bar, going on a date, a vacation. They are gone. Running to my friends house to hang out? Gone. Spa day with the girls? Gone. Gone for a long time. And I come home and n adults. Love my daughter. But she isn’t an adult. I got some adults at work though.

But the reality of the new life is making me sad. I feel like I’ll be pretty lonely forever. And just having nothing to look forward to is really rough. I don’t even have the will to look nice anymore. I go to work, wear a mask most of the day and scrubs. No one ever sees me. On the rate occasion I go to the store, I wear a mask, no one sees me. I don’t have anyone to look good for at home, so why bother ? I shave only in case I need to go to the hospital, lol. And last night I almost went as I was having the worst right lower quadrant pain all day. Thought I had appendicitis. It’s better today, but I had a rough night. I felt feverish and achy. But I was off today and even though I was up early, I took a 3 hour nap because I was oh so tired.

So yeah, I’m depressed. And lonely. And a little scared, quite honestly. But it what it is. At least I still have an income and my health . But I sure as heck could see how people’s mental health is going downhill at this time




Sorry but we can't keep living this way.

I am now quarantined from my hero nurse as she has covid too.

I hate this, (((((HUGS)))) to you girl.


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Oh no Cadet! I hope she recovers quickly!!

xoxoxo

G - - i'mma gonna send you a little sumthin sumthin gf xoxoxo


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OMG! Please let your hero nurse know that we love her and are praying for a speedy recovery!


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Sadly this is what I and others have been fearing all along. By me suicides are up by 80%. Homicide is up by 71% and overdose is up by 69%. That is not coincidence. Worse yet in NY 66% of recent covid cases happened AT HOME. Not in public but where we were told it was “safe” - at home. This is right out if the governor’s mouth. So much for quarantining the well.

Thankfully I really believe we have turned the corner. Here in my state our supreme court just struck down the unlawful stay at home order. Right or wrong we will soon see the results - good or bad. My point is so much if this is moving so quickly. Look at how much has changed in weeks to a month or two. It will continue to change Quickly. This will only be our new normal if we let it. True we won’t go to a concert for awhile but we will again. You can CHOOSE to go visit friends if you want to. The risk to your physical health may be outweighed by your mental health. It may be your best choice.go do it. Do it safely. Take reasonable precautions. But having a few friends over will not end your life. Clearly children are the least vulnerable so that’s not a worry.

As for bars and restaurants, yeah currently out by you that’s tough. Your area has been hit the hardest. But there is light at the end. Florida has opened and is doing fine. Other states never closed and have done just fine. Better than fine. Your location may not be your location forever. I know it is for years yet. That stinks for you. Hopefully you can change that some years down the road. Just taxes alone would have me out of there. Your states pension debt is killing you.

My message is it really will get better. Hopefully soon. Looking at the calendar, unless things have shifted, I think you’ll feel a little better next week. 😉 hang in there and invite a friend or two over for drinks this weekend - maybe even two coworkers since you are with them anyhow. It’s okay to chose to do something fun with others. You’re not a band person if you do.


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Worse yet in NY 66% of recent covid cases happened AT HOME.


Don I think you are misinterpreting the significance of this. Of course everybody who caught it at home caught it from somebody else in the household who went out and contracted it. The significance of this data is that in China, people who were sick with Covid but not sick enough to require the hospital were quarantined in facilities designed for them, to reduce the risk of them infecting family members at home. We chose not to do this in the U.S. and as a result, transmission to family members in the same household has been a problem. This has nothing to do with the safety - or lack of it- of going outside. I suspect you, and most Americans, would have been highly resistant to being forcibly quarantined away from your family once infected, but this WAS a highly effective strategy in Wuhan. Without it, and without proper PPE and training of family members, spread in households has become a major problem. (Even Chris Cuomo, who was quarantining in his basement, managed to infect his wife.)

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Thank you guys very much for the support. Honestly, it is really tough at times. It’s tough some days outside of lockdown, tougher inside.

But it has to be done. This isn’t caught in the house. This is caught by those going out and bringing it home. I guess not many could truly understand it unless you live in the NY/Nj metro area and work in the hospital and on a COVID unit.

Going to friends houses is NOT happening. You are not a welcomed guest. Especially if you work on a COVID unit and immunocompromised family members live in was there. My daughter can’t play with her friends. It is not acceptable here at all. It’s taking a toll on her as well. And I get it . Things are changing. And it scared me in my position in life. I thought dating was hard before, ha! Thankfully I have begun to really accept being alone and it is not something I am fearful of.

My friends and activities and the gym, ignited my soul. It’s all gone. But it has to be this way. I’m fortunate my family and friends are healthy, because it is knocking out while families here .

I just have to get used to the new norm. I just could have never ever imagined this

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Yeah it's crazy, for all the apocalyptic sci fi stories I've read, the closest to this I've ever been before was the slo-mo AIDS pandemic which started in my med school days.

We have to find new ways to be in the world for a while. You have to find new ways of being connected to friends - I liked bttrfly's idea of having weekly Zoom meetups with her girlfriends.

You're doing such important work G and I know you're a blessing to the families of your patients. Take comfort in that.

Also get your vitamin D, that is starting to look more and more like a big factor in who gets mild disease and who gets serious disease.

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one of my friend's moms was having a happy hour zoom with her gfs the other night. they seemed to really enjoy it.


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Thanks KML. I’ve been taking supplements for the first time in my life. My diet stinks though. They sure do like to feed us. And it’s about all I enjoy these days.

My friends and I have tried these zoom happy hours. But we hve nothing to talk about other than COVID because there is nothing going on in our lives on lockdown. And they all want the skinny on it for me and it gets exhausting . I hope I can be of some support to these families. Every clap out we do brings me to tears.

I actually feel like my work isn’t important enough and I just want to go back to the bedside more than ever. I discharge my formerly healthy patients home on oxygen all day long.

It really is like a post-apotyptic world here . To see time square empty is eerie. I’m ready for zombies to pop out.

I guess I feel scared and alone. But I stay strong for the kid who is having her own hard time. We do lots of activities together when I get home from work because she’s been so bored. She has no brothers or sisters or anyone else here. So we tie dyed shirts when I got home, did a work out together outside in the yard, then we started the fire pit up and made some s’mores. She will be with her dad this weekend and I’m working. She’s at least been going over to her little cousins house when she’s with him.

I just want an adult hug. Preferably a man, lol. The good news is I haven’t felt desperate enough to reach back to old boyfriends . I have so my more respect for myself these days, it feels good.


And cadet, I’m rooting for our hero nurse! I know she’s going to kick it in the arse!!!! And I know it must be hard not to be with her. I love the love you guys have

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Hi Ginger, sending virtual hugs from a man, lol.

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Hey Ginger, hang in there. Virtual hugs for you and thank you for all that you do. Times are tough, hopefully we will all come out of this being better people.

Cadet- wishing the best for your hero nurse too!!

Stay safe and healthy everyone.


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Hello all. I haven't had the will to update, but I think I need to to write some things out. I also don't have a very exciting life over here. I go to work, I come home. Repeat.

I am suffering from a bout of depression, but I think I am beginning to dip my way out. There is nothing like a pandemic to highlight your current situation. I will begin by being so happy to have a job, let alone 2 of them. It's the only place I am not isolated. I am so glad for the income, of course. Especially since one of D12's new favorite pastimes is online shopping, lol. But seriously, people can only spend time with their immediate families around here. ANd i can see how much of that I don't have. It does echo how empty your house can be. But in that same breath, D and i are even closer than ever, we do alot togehter. She's gone on a fitness journey and we work out to these videos she likes. We play games, we do some crafts, we play in the yard, we do a whole lot togehter. She's even been wanting to sleep in my bed lately, and honestly, I love it. I feel loved and safe having her and the pup in my bed. I really hate now more than ever when she goes to her dad's. But I am happy there they are having some time together with family. SHe gets to see her grandmother and cousins again. SHe needs it. She misses her friends her awfully. My heart aches for her. Her 8th grade year is next. The only sport she has ever done and loves is cheerleading which is a big deal for 8th grade year may not happen. August starts practice and it is not a socially distancing sport, and neither is football who they cheer for. I get so sad thinking about it.

On ex news: my D had found a letter at the ex's house I had written to him during my pathetic letter writing days going though the divorce. APparently is was from pictures I had given him. I don't think he knew the letter was in that envelope when he gave it to D. Well, apparrently that letter had eluded to the affair, and my daughter is incredibly smart, and she knows. She tried asking me again the truth. It was before work and i told her we would talk later and luckily she never brought it up again. She knows for sure. But I know if I say it to her and she hears it out of my mouth, it will affect her R with her dad and her stepmother and I don't want that to happen. We will have the talk one day when she is older.

SO I hate this reality, but my ex is my go to guy. Let's face it, I need a man for certain things. There is heavy lifting, some repairs, etc, I just can't do. ANd I am a strong chick. SO, I take his offer on help and even ask sometimes. He did my front brakes for me, and i paid in home baked goods and steaks from costco. He offers to do other things around the house always asks if I need him to do anything. Which is hilarious because when we were married he didn't want to do sqaut for me. But I really don't want him to be my go to guy., I try to find anyway to pay him. (not anyway, lol)

As for myself, in my rabbit hole, my eating and drinking was too much. I wasn't getting drunk, I was just packing in more calories. I was packing on the pounds and it wasn't making me feel any better, so I finally took control. I was against going on a "diet" again, but I decided it's best for me. ANd i have researched on and found one that is doable for me. My exercise is a bit limited because my right foot has been having tons of pain (MRI tomorrow) but I am moving more and doing these videos with D12. ALl i felt I had to look forward to was my drinks when I got home and something good to eat. ANd it was kind of true. But I wasn't even looking forward to it anymore. I kind of stopped caring about what I looked like or how I felt anymore. Luckily, I am caring a bit again

The big 40 is next week and if the weather permits, D and i will go to my dad's and enjoy the beach, Cross your fingers on the weather! and in good COVID news, the numbers have dropped significantly in my hospital. Which doesn;t mean we can act the fool now. ANd if one more person says wearing a facemask violates their rights, I am going to throat punch them. One simple thing to help reopen and keep others healthy, and this entitled whiny society can't deal with that. Then they can come to my unit and go sit with the patient's who have COVID. It's the law to wear clothes, right? Is that a violation of rights too? Ok, I won't get started. I just hope americans who want things to reopen so badly can be wise about it. Go out and wear a facemask, wash your hands, and stay home if you are sick. Not too much of a violation, is it?

Well back to my monday of waiting for the sun to come out. If you made it this far, thanks for listening

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((Ginger))

Go prod some buttock!

(waves to the moderators who would censor other words laugh )


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D17 who is the happiest person I know says the highlight of her day is watching tv with me while having a really great snack. Our lives are pretty crappy right now and yet she's happy about ice cream. I want to be her when I grow up. lol Hang in there Ginger. Times are tough and I agree with wooba hopefully we all come out of this better people.

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Thanks. I ve been really trying to make joy in the little things. My D is pretty good at it too.

I’m struggling with something so weird. My ex’s extreme helpfulness. He offers to do so much for me. I don’t even ask. Maybe it’s because he’s not working ? He’s really gotten into gardening and I’ve been trying to learn about it. I found this corner of my lawn that makes the perfect garden area. He encouraged me to dig it all out on Monday, lay the top soil, ect. He guided me via pictures along the way and now I have a great area prepped for the garden and I can plant the seedlings people gave me. Including hmm. When it plants one, he gives one to me. I needed more topsoil but the bags are huge and heavy. He offered to get it for me when it went to Home Depot the next day. I didn’t want to take his offer so I went to the store and got the last bag. The next day he calls me says he went to Home Depot and found the tomatoes D12 likes and wanted to come plant them in my garden. So he did. I was work. He laid another bag of topsoil he had, planted the plants, cleaned up the trash I had there and put all my tools I had left out away in the shed.

What the heck?!! I thanked him, and I am going to go to Costco today and get those steaks he wanted . But I feel like this is going to come back and buy me somehow. In our marriage , he expected something for anything nice he ever did and held it over my head. But he hasn’t been that way yet. I pay him in food items or help with the medical stuff in the family, etc.

Maybe we just do have a good R and are helpful to the parents of our kid? I do kind of wonder how his wife feels about this. No clue. D12 wanted to build a she-shed and said “ dad could help us build a she-shed and we can do it all together. She was convinced he would. He said no, of course. And I didn’t want that happening. And I have no desire to build a shed, lol.

But I did build a cute garden. It’s been hot over here and all the son goes into D13’s side of the house so her room is hot. Last year M put in my air conditioners and my dad took them out. But I don’t have either of their help and I just didn’t want to ask ex for anything else. So , I went down to the basement, carried up the very heavy air conditioner and managed to get it in the window without it falling out. Proud.

This weekend is 2 days off in a row which I hadn’t had in a while. I plan on doing much more lawn work. It needs a lot of help and I’m getting there. It’ll take a while, but at least it’s a good hobby alone

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
In our marriage , he expected something for anything nice he ever did and held it over my head. But he hasn’t been that way yet.
One thing we all learn here is that most people don't change. Those who do change struggle with that change.

Let's paint a picture shall we? This is completely made up in my head and may have no reflection in reality.

Let's assume that he's gotten a bit bored in his marriage and his wandering eye is wandering. Not to say any other parts have gone a-wandering but the eyes have. I vaguely remember you posting a while ago about him hitting on a friend of your's. If he's out of work and practicing at least some self-isolation then the number of women out there for him to flirt with, do things for, groom as his next inamorata etc is quite limited and you are a known quantity.

And I could also understand on how doing things for women to whom he's not "obliged" to assist and who are appreciative in any fashion just plain makes him feel good.

As a side story, for many years there was an older single lady who lived next door. My ex would be frustrated because I'd often be helping her with things. Shoveling snow off her roof, cutting her grass (when I did mine), clearing her walk etc. Things that a heavy, older single woman would struggle with doing on her own. In return we'd sit over a glass of whiskey (she had no concept of portion sizes) and chat or she would make me deviled eggs (my wife hated the smell of boiled eggs so never made any). My wife was certainly jealous of this and would get annoyed even though I did lots at home and for her for which I was pretty much never thanked.

Now - I was obviously not hitting on this neighbour but still it did create jealousy. And since your ex is married to an OW who undoubtedly is constantly being compared to her predecessor and who knows that her husband is capable of having an affair is undoubtedly quite concerned.

Good job on having a garden though! And help is welcome as long as you can see where the strings are tied off to. Just don't let your ex plant a bunch of things that are going to be more work than you want. Also - start reading up on things to make with tomatoes - from personal experience, they all seem to get ripe in the same 15 minutes wink


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Originally Posted by AndrewP

Let's paint a picture shall we? This is completely made up in my head and may have no reflection in reality.

Let's assume that he's gotten a bit bored in his marriage and his wandering eye is wandering. Not to say any other parts have gone a-wandering but the eyes have. I vaguely remember you posting a while ago about him hitting on a friend of your's. If he's out of work and practicing at least some self-isolation then the number of women out there for him to flirt with, do things for, groom as his next inamorata etc is quite limited and you are a known quantity.



What's the point of this conjecture? How does this help Ginger?

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It helps her by confirming that she needs not to get sucked in by him.

Yes, take all the help you can get - he owes you that much. But be cognizant that he's also probably trying to to fulfill some need for "OW" type contact. You're smart enugh not to get sucked into that, but just use him for whatever help you need. We KNOW he hasn't had a personality transplant. The sheen has probavly just worn off his relationship with his wife.

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Oh, I am definitely smart enough not to sucked in. There is nothing to get sucked into romantically either because it is absolutely nothing I would touch with a 10 ft pole. I have no desire.

He definitely didn’t have a personality transplant. I am just about positive he has OW contact since being remarried He might be doing this to make himself feel good. And fine, I’ll reap the benefits! I try to not ask for too much, unless it’s for D13. The rest he just offers. So if he offers, I’ll take it. But yeah, he owes me. He’s done a lot of damage . And I’ve made his sins relatively easy for him. So if he wants to help, sureeee!

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Just journaling.

No work this weekend and no kid. Kind of rough on me sometimes. I did manage to keep myself busy with my yard, planting and landscaping. I grew up in apartments and this is my very first house with my own yard. I made a small garden and today I planted flowers. Looks ok so far. It’s a lot of work. And I really don’t know what I’m doing. But the weather this weekend was freaky, it keeps me busy, my hands and mind occupied, so it’s a good thing. No mindless eating, no thinking about everything that is going on. I do love it. Last nights I went to target to distract myself from my thoughts. They become a little dark at night. I’m lonely. I want to play with my friends again! Families see eachother around here. Not many friends. But I hope that changes soon. There is a good hope outdoor dining will open up tomorrow. And I am dying for a meal away from my dog yelling at me.

The ex and D12 came by yesterday. He had to pick up the steaks I got him ( forgot them when he picked up D 12 the other day) I didn’t realize they left his wife in the car. D12 forgot something and said to her dad “
Go to the car , H is waiting in there. He said “ I see enough of her” then he turned to my dog and said “but I don’t see enough of you! “ weird. He made the steaks tonight and sent me a text thanking me for them.

In a nutshell , I’m keeping busy, I’m pretty tan, and I’m lonely and sad sometimes. But I still make the best out of life. I am working through something very tough. Through realizing I will lay likely never have a partner. Maybe some short term R’s like I have, but long term just isn’t happening for me , and singledom is my fate. I’m learning to be ok woth that and grieve and it’s a tough loss. I am an affectionate loving giving person. But it just isn’t in the cards. And I have to be OK with that. Not easy, but not impossible. Look at everything I’ve overcome and accomplished and all the realities I faced head on. This is just one more.

I got this

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Happy birthday G Money!!!!!!

LH19 #2896652 06/03/20 11:56 AM
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Originally Posted by LH19
Happy birthday G Money!!!!!!


Thank you!

It’s not so bad being 40. Saw friends yesterday, had sushi outside with them, then had a virtual happy hour with some friends, and it seriously made my birthday.

Got a call from a special friend this morning wishing me a happy birthday.

I’m actually in a super good mood.

I’m alive and healthy, and that’s something to brag about these days

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Wow that special friend sounds really awesome!

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Lol......smh. happy birthday g love and special sauce!!!!!!!!!


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Happy birthday Ginger! The best is yet to come.


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Happy Birthday!!!!


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted by Ginger1

In a nutshell , I’m keeping busy, I’m pretty tan, and I’m lonely and sad sometimes. But I still make the best out of life. I am working through something very tough. Through realizing I will lay likely never have a partner. Maybe some short term R’s like I have, but long term just isn’t happening for me , and singledom is my fate. I’m learning to be ok woth that and grieve and it’s a tough loss. I am an affectionate loving giving person. But it just isn’t in the cards. And I have to be OK with that. Not easy, but not impossible. Look at everything I’ve overcome and accomplished and all the realities I faced head on. This is just one more.

I got this

Happy Birthday Ginger1!

I'm far from up to date on your posts, just curious. Why are you doomed to singledom? Who's deciding that fate for you? Is it what you want?


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happiest of birthdays dear G xoxoxo


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Happy Birthday! Go to youtube and look up Vandals Happy Birthday and sing it to yourself.

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Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes!

It was a great, relaxing, peaceful birthday. We took 3 walks on the beach, my dad and his wife put together a photo board for me. We had take out Mexican and margaritas. We played some board games. It was really nice. I had lots of reflection as one can only do when you enter midlife. Especially a divorced single mom.


I accomplished so much in my 30’s that were against the odds and I really had to work for. I advanced my degree. I advanced my career. I bought a house. I watched my ex marry his affair partner and Somehow ended up having a good relationship with him and his wife. I went through some unhealthy relationships and cane out stronger and a better woman each time. I feel in love with a man and his child and I lost that and I still survived that.

There is only one area I haven’t been prosperous or “succeeded” and we all know what that is. But I’m pretty successful everywhere else even when it was really Fing hard.

Oh, and I am raising one fantastic kid.

So, I did pretty good in my 30’s despite so many challenges. Here’s to my 40’s! I’ll kick your butt too!

I may be a little chunkier in my 40’s too, but I am pretty healthy, and I still look like I’m in my early 30’s.

Core, to answer your question.......

I’ve been separated /divorced, 12 years. My daughter was a baby, so the first few was survival mode and I had no desire to date. I did date, but I had maybe 2 semi-serious R’s which were short lived and didn’t work out for particular reationships, and one that I thought was going to lead pretty far that was a year long R that ended last august.

Anyways, it simply hasn’t happened for me. I was told for so long it would happen, don’t be stupid, you’ll get remarried, have more kids, etc. never happened. So I am fully aware it may not be in the cards for me, a real long term healthy relationship.

And I guess that’s the rub now. I could be dating some guy. I’m not hard on the eyes, I’m successful, a good mom, independent and a great person, friend, I’m educated and have a career. I treat the guys I date like gold. But unless someone can come close to offering what I can, I’m just not interested. Probably due to be alone so many years. The life alone is not a fear for me. And I’m seeing often times it’s heck of a lot better to be alone than with someone who cannot step up to the plate and I have more frustarion in the R than I do joy.

It’s going to take quite a man . And unfortunately at my age, they are just going through their divorces and are still kind of broken . And have no clue what to do with a good woman who doesn’t cause them so much drama.

So here I am. Preparing for a life without a romantic partner. Maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised. Who knows?

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I also wanted to thank everyone for sticking by me for so long, offering me support. But I gotta get away from these bords. Too much time in newcomers and it’s upsetting.

I just want to really try to take the time and focus on me and this new norm over here.

This board has become sort of a habit and sending my mind places that isn’t good for me right now.

Most of you know where to find me away from here

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Ginger,

There are times when we have to walk away for a bit. You've had a lot going on in your life over the last 5-6 months and now is a good time to take a break and enjoy your home, yard and your daughter. Give yourself permission to enjoy life a bit more, especially now that things are starting to open up again.

I'll be checking in w/you to see how you and your daughter are doing.

The door is always open...


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Happy belated birthday! So happy it was a good one as it was much deserved.

Just jumped over to Newcomers (for some reason I have always stuck to MLC and here) and figured out why you feel the need to take a break. It is tough because we meet people at various points in their journey. It takes time for advice to resonate.

I just want you to know that you helped me so very much when my h had a MLC. And I have watched you help so many others here. You have touched so many lives. Just don’t want you to take a break without realizing that your voice here is also a huge check in life-success column for you. It is oftentimes too thankless.

Thank you for all the incredible support you always offer.


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love you ... i know where to find you xoxoxo


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Happy belated birthday! I've appreciated your advice. Take time and space for you.

Originally Posted by Ginger
The life alone is not a fear for me. And I’m seeing often times it’s heck of a lot better to be alone than with someone who cannot step up to the plate and I have more frustarion in the R than I do joy.

You have so much strength inside you.

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I also wanted to thank everyone for sticking by me for so long, offering me support. But I gotta get away from these bords. Too much time in newcomers and it’s upsetting.

I just want to really try to take the time and focus on me and this new norm over here.

This board has become sort of a habit and sending my mind places that isn’t good for me right now.

Thank you as well for the support and perspective you've given me and the others. Newcomers is tough, I completely understand. So many negative feeling being shared and expressed constantly, endlessly. Please know you've had a positive effect which Im sure has rippled out to others. I hope you find what you're looking for and get some peace with what you're working through. You'll be missed!


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I admit, I miss my place to write out my thoughts. ANd i Have alot of them swirling through my head and I haven't been sleeping well lately.

My aunt ended up in my hospital again, from ICU to my floor and i saw her and my heart broke. She is dying. She went from my hospital to rehab back to my hospital hasn't been home. FInally, she is home on hospice care. The night before she came home I went to my cousin's and spent 3 hours with her and my uncle and my other cousin explaining, preparing, etc. My uncle couldn't stop crying. HE hadn't stopped crying for a week. It was so hard to see. She came home on Thursday and has had her good days and not so good days since. Taking someone home on hospice is the hardest thing. I just feel all their pain. ANd my nephew is turning a8 and they were so close, its sad to know he is having such a hard time. I've been doing my best ot give the support there.

Work is running me down, I have no idea how much I can last with 2 jobs. My other job wears me to the bone it has been so busy. I also hate when there is beautiful weekend weather and i am there. But I gotta do what I gotta do.

I am out 2K from my cruise arguing with the cruise line and the credit card company. It's been awful, and I don't think I am going to win. Long story, won't bore you, but it is comepletely unfair and I am ready to sue.

I hired a contractor to fix my stairs and mput in my patio. I am paying for the patio and my dad is paying for the stairs. I can't wait until it's done, the work starts in a week. The yard and house is so much maintenance but its a nice hobby but exhausting But I lvoe having my own outdoor space. I am tying from there as we speak.

I almost ended up spending the day with my ex yesterday at our neighbors pool. I was almost glad the pool was green and they didn't come. D12 invited her dad because it was his weekend and he was making a BBQ out of it. But it didn't happen. They dropped of my birthday gift yesterday when I was out. In t was a bottle of wine that was $40 . He told me something about it and that he had his friend chose a good one for me. It's so weird, I don't know where to begin.

I've really been changing my eating habits and sticking ot my diet. Yesterday was my 2nd cheat day, and I realized it isn't really so much fun to cheat when you are alone. I've been dropping the pounds and quit drinking during the week. In this area, I am really committed to changing. Outdoor dining does open up this week, But I will still stick to it.

I am still lonely as can be. Friends are still not hanging out. I realize I don't have so many who live close to me anymore.And the ones that do just aren't ready. ANd they have their families. I have no husband, no boyfriend,a nd I have ot give up my kid every other weekend. I have no other family, no brothers, no sisters, no one. My cousin, but her mom is home dying. The hardest part of being single is not having that extended family or the extra friends you do couple stuff with. It hurts alot. I looka t my friend's FB posts with her huge family and I wish they would adopt me. I long more for family than i do a BF. ANd I miss my ex BF because of his family and that time spent together.

It really, really stinks. I sometimes stillc an't believe this is what is in the cards for me. To just be so alone in the world. I am a good person, but I am so horribly alone. I keep myself awfully busy, but is really to distract from that emptiness and os I don't eat or drink to fill that void.

At least I got my doggo. He is always there, no matter what. Never leaves me, and is always happy to see me.

But I'm not kidding, somedays it just feels cruel

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so.
most of the anguish I feel in my life is caused by me looking at the past, or projecting into the future.

when I stay in the present, most times, I'm ok.

Just a thought.

Love you, sorry about your auntie. More later - xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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I agree w/bttrfly. When you keep your focus on the present, it's much better than trying to keep looking in the rear view mirror.

I am so sorry that you are stressed and working two jobs. The stress is nothing to play with and I do hope that you are finding things to help you destress when you arrive home.

I am very sorry about your aunt. It is always a difficult time when you know that a loved one is very close to passing away. I pray that she passes peacefully and all of you can find comfort in the memories that you created and shared with her over the years.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I appreciate the support and I’ve come back here to post a few times but can’t quite get myself to hit the send button.

I think my discomfort and sadness is about the present. Slightly rooted in what went wrong in the past, but I borrow nothing from the future anymore. In my present I am really tired of working my butt off. I’m just so tired. But I gotta do it.

My patio and concrete is fixed on stairs and looks so good . The ex was here dropping of D and he was the first to see it and thought it was awesome. He brought over his new virtual reality gaming system for me to try and it was so awesome. We hung out and played for a bit. I do know this drives his W a bit crazy. And sadly enough, I get joy out of that. I would never cross a line, I have no desire, but I like her squirming a bit.

I went on a date Sunday night. Nice guy, seemed to be a good dad. I thought it was good he was divorced for 5 years except when I found out he was also in a relationship ship since he was separated and they just broke up in April. No thank you. You don’t get fresh out of a 5 year R and be ready to date. And if you are, there is something wrong. And they broke up for a few months last year and he was online dating then. And he got back with her. I refuse to put myself in that position. He waNts to see me again. I do not want to see him again.

I know too much, and I’m much farther along in these processes than most. And I did the work. I can’t seem to come across someone in the same place as me. I’m not willing to be with someone just to have someone. And I need someone who is a bit evolved and has relationship ship skills and has dealt with their stuff. And it’s truly hard to come by. But until I do, I will not settle.

I’m good news, I messed up my work schedule and didn’t have to work yesterday and I got to surprise my dad and spend the day at the beach with him. He was so happy. So was I. D12 is going on a 4 day getaway with her dad and his wife. His wife needs to assure me it’s a “educational trip” because they go tour mansions. IDGAf if it’s educational. I lose some time with her, but I’m happy she has something. To do. My ex only has to work 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off and get paid full. Lucky ducky.

I’d be happy for a hair cut and a mani/pedi

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Lol, yes, let his wife squirm a little bit, what the heck wink

Good job in recognizing the date was a bad bet. Yep, you see things more clearly than most once you go through the Divorcebusting Graduate Program in Relationship Psychology. When the right guy comes along you’re going to blow him away.

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you are the prize and I'm glad you know it!!! xoxoxo love you G


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Well stop not clicking the send button, it gets boring coming here with nothing to read!


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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I am officially done here. I can’t do this. People who endure rape to save their marriage. I am so sickened.

I’ve loved all the support here all this time, but it is just getting real bad here. People are coming with the worst absuive situations, willing to endure so ugh mental and now physical abuse. I just can’t anymore. This place got me back my dignity and I appreciate it more than you will ever know. Those were the good old days.

I just can’t even be tempted to come here and read that anymore

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Why do you even go to Newcomer's anymore? Just stay here with your divorce support peeps.

I haven't been on Newcomer's in a long time - don't have the extra energy for it. I'll pop into MLC for a few people but otherwise here.

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I was going to say the same. Populate your “followed threads” list with those you want to read and leave the rest alone. Don’t even bother with them.


DonH
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Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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kml and Don beat me to it.... def try and stay out of newcomers. I only ventured there because of your post and jeeessshhhh. Must take so much energy to hang out up there.

Hang in there Ginger!!

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{{{{G}}}}
You have a huge heart and try to help. Time to stay away from there. Seriously. You can only help those who are willing to accept your help.

xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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I figure I would just try to help and give back. But I can’t. It’s bad. It’s making me nuts.

Onward and upward. I’m sick of living and breathing this whole divorce thing . I am divorced a long time, I’m healed, I’m strong, and I’ve rebuilt my life. I don’t want to go back there anymore.

Tome to get some more semi quarantine hobbies.

My aunt passed away last night. Her funeral is Saturday. I’m relieved her pain is over and her families can have some closure. Watching your loved one die on hospice in front of your eyes is the most selfless act. I hope they find some peace. My hurts for them all.

Life is too short . Way too short.

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Originally Posted by Ginger1



Life is too short . Way too short.


100%

Sorry for your loss Ginger.

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so sorry G {{{{{hugs}}}}


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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I am so sorry to read that your aunt passed away. She is no longer suffering and has gone to the other side where there is no pain.

Please take care of yourself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I am so sorry for your loss. (((((hug)))))

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Thank you all. I’m relieved she’s at peace. Tomorrow are the services. So sad, there were 3 sisters and the older brother and only the older brother is left. I was supposed to work tomorrow, but my second job was kind and filled my spot with no questions asked.

It’s Friday night and I hate Friday nights alone. My D went on a last minute trip to RI with her father and his wife. It’s one of the things that kill me to this day. I am so happy she has somewhere to go and she is enjoying herself. But it still kills me emotionally when the 3 of them go away on vacation. People must think she’s the hoe’s daughter. One big happy family. She FaceTimed me from the hotel room last night and from the waters edge today. I love she wants to include me in some way. It just stinks for me. No one else but me, so I have to suck it up

This stuff is tough. Being alone is tough. And it’s by choice, but it’s still pretty hard. I still have some family envy. And I miss my friends who just aren’t interested right now. They are just sticking with their families. It’s really really difficult at times. And I won’t lie, when I chose to be alone and not settle, I do ask myself “
Should I have just tried? I would have a date tonight, a dinner out, something, etc.”

But I know it’s not the right reasons . I’m holding out and hopefully for something pretty mind-blowing

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I’m so sorry for your loss Ginger.

It seems like You have been changing and growing so much regarding what is acceptable to you In a relationship and what is not. Nothing wrong with holding out.


M: 42
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Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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Today was pretty godawful. I roll into work on this Monday morning and my boss stops me because she has to talk to me. I’ll keep this long story short. I dealt with a patients family member on Friday. Explained something basic to her and then opened up the discussion on discharge planning. She didnt like the basic thing I explained to her ( it’s an explanation of a doctors order). I was very kind and validating and helpful when discussing the discharge planning with her, but she was short and I figured that’s her personality.

Well, apparently she wrote a scathing letter about me that went all the way up to the president of the hospital. Yup. It was actually a psychotic letter which my boss knows. She went on and on about how mad she was her father was in observation status ( not a decision I make. I just explain the status ) and because the call started of with something she didn’t want to hear the rest of our convo didn’t sound the way she wanted it to and wrote about how awful I was, my tone was awful, I was trying to get her father to make decisions ( never spoke to the guy, he was off the wall, and on isolation for covid). I was nothing but a sweetheart with that woman on the phone. Seriously. I’m not in any sort of trouble. My boss knows I didn’t do that, and I had 2 witnesses to the conversation who knew that it went nothing as this but case was describing. But it was very very upsetting to me that my name was tarnished with the president of the hospital. I was extreme happy to find out the doctor did not bend to what she wanted, which also supported me. But, after the letter, administration made the hospital bend.

I eat sh!t sandwiches on an hourly basis In my position. Rather than a nurse , I am more of a customer service rep but I’m a position where you can’t give everyone what they want and what they want to hear because it is usually not in the best interest of the patient and just impossible.

I am very good at my job. I am very good with people. But because this woman heard something she didn’t want to hear, she felt it was appropriate to tarnish me. I am the first to admit if I could have handled something differently. And I couldn’t have. And this is why it upset me so much. My management is supporting me thankfully. But it brought me to tears at work.

We aren’t heros anymore. We are back to being slaves . People who should just give everyone whatever they want. It’s extremely disheartening. I understand when people don’t have control they lash out. I understand sick family members are stressful. But instead of working with you, they work against you and don’t think twice about their entitlement.

I then found out there was a possibility I wasn’t getting paid time and a half for 4th of July. I had to argue that. Then I got roped in working Labor Day. I’ve worked like 5 holidays this year and have to work Christmas. My daughter had 2 friends over and she must have been calling me all day for something and actually wanted me to leave work to come fix the outside hose. I picked up dinner for then and soon I am driving them back to one of their houses for a sleep over.

I’m exhausted and worn and I need a break. From everything. My friends are gone off in their own little worlds, I don’t have them, I come home from a tough day at work, I have no one to talk to. I have to make the dinner, and mow the lawn after work, it all falls in me. I’d kill to come home to a hone cooked dinner and someone wanting to know how my day was and maybe a shoulder rub. Instead my daughter goes off on the things I didn’t do that she asks me to do and I don’t have time to get to. sadly, the only person who makes some random nice gestures for me is my ex. And I hate that!

I went on another date yesterday and another guy totally into me, and me, well, I’m dead inside. Nothing for me.

40 really stinks. It’s not treating me too well

Rant over

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Was her name....... KAREN?????

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i'm very sorry this happened to you. sending hugs xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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A total Karen, lol.

Thanks. It’s really taken a toll on me today. I cried at work. I put my heart and soul into the job and I am always understanding, compassionate and patient.

Healthcare isn’t what it used to be.

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I am so very sorry that you had a rough day and that person complained about you. Evidently that person isn't up on the fact that there are only so many things that you are allowed to tell a patient and the patient's family.

I hope that the rest of the week will be better for you.

New Thread:

not where I thought I would be

Last edited by job; 07/05/20 01:44 PM. Reason: added link to new thread

Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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