For some reason I haven't had the mental fortitude to update on the board but I saw my friend Fogg stopped by and I got the will!
I think it is good me and the ex have a kind relationship. Best for everyone. Sometimes it does cross boundaries that I am uncomfortable with. Like yesterday he and the wife made a surprise visit to my house with a dozen of Krispy Kreme donuts. I imagine they were more for D12, but I invited them to in to sit and the such and thanked them, Sometimes the nice gestures take a toll on me mentally. Nice stuff shouldn't, but it does at times. It's like a mind F.
Currently D12 is in her room doing a zoom with her dad and his wife and her family. I told her she had to go in her room for this. I just don't want everyone "in" my house. I need to set some kind of boundaries for myself. The lonliness is a tough one to tackle. I am lonely for a healthy partner. I would way rather be alone than to just be with someone. That I am sure of. My frustration lies in not meeting that healthy partner, especially when it seems like a simple thing for everyone else. It's a long drawn out series of disappointments and lessons in my 40 years. In the end I realize being alone is way better than just being with someone to be with them.
Today all D12 and I did was binge watch TV and color. Seriously. It's a rainy day and it was awesome. I am about to embark on a 6 day work week so I needed a little down time.I did my lawn yesterday for the first time this season and that was alot of work. ANd i think I have poison Ivy or something too. Lucky me. I also have achilles tendonitis and can't run. My podiatrist basically told me running is not for everyone. So, I/m going to have to find another option. Yesterday we did a drive by birthday for D12's bestie. It was orchestrated by D12 and I am really impressed with how she put it together.
Last, but not least my aunt is back in the hospital. On my unit. With COVID. My cousin is freaking. SHe's been home for 2 days from the psych hospital, was in the regular hospital(diverted from going ot my hospital where she normally goes) during that admission and hasn't been home in a long time. I am very concerned about her. SHe has dementia and a psychotic component which came out after her open heart surgery where she almost dies back in september. She is in restraints in the hospital because they can't do sitters anymore. SHe is medically fragile and was a 55 year smoker. ANd the whole family was exposed over the last 2 days including her 78 year old father and her 7 year old son. Such a mess.
Pleasant update, right? ha! I've got a lot going on. I'm working too much. But I do know I have been appreciating the small things in life. Like quality time with my D. The being alone everyday all day is taking a toll on her and she just likes having me around. ANd i like having her around even when her favorite hobby is finding ways to spend my money
It could be that this situation is pointing out to ex and his wife what is important and what isn't. Family matters. You've always put your daughter's needs first, in this most difficult of situations. Perhaps this is their way of making amends.
Re: your aunt, honey I'm so sorry. xoxoxoxo {{{{{G}}}}}
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
You are a fantastic mother and this health crisis is drawing attention to everyone what is important in life. A lot of people in my area are now reassessing what is important and coming to realize that family and friends are far more important than material things. People are realizing that they don't need all those shiny new toys and remembering what it was like growing up in the days gone by. Maybe the same is happening w/your xh.
You and your D have a close relationship and I'm glad you two were able to be at home and enjoy the time together watching TV and doing other activities. You've done a great job in raising her on your own.
I'm keeping your aunt in my thoughts and prayers. Please stay safe.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Like yesterday he and the wife made a surprise visit to my house with a dozen of Krispy Kreme donuts. I imagine they were more for D12, but I invited them to in to sit and the such and thanked them, Sometimes the nice gestures take a toll on me mentally. Nice stuff shouldn't, but it does at times. It's like a mind F.
My kids are older and so I'm 100% NC with H. I'm new to this obviously but I've already decided that I will do this like Fogg does and then some. H has been in my house once but that was early on and it won't happen again. I can't wait until D14 can drive then I won't go anywhere near his house. Despite what the stupid divorce papers I am going to get a new phone number. He can coordinate visits via the kids like he does now.
As far as the OW goes I hope they stay together and are miserable. If they stay together then he will leave me alone.
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The lonliness is a tough one to tackle. I am lonely for a healthy partner. My frustration lies in not meeting that healthy partner, especially when it seems like a simple thing for everyone else. It's a long drawn out series of disappointments and lessons in my 40 years.
It's when people hers say things like this that I get so sad but I'm not so convinced that it's simple for everyone else. From my own observations many people I know just settled because they didn't want to be alone. They might seem happy on the outside but either they've admitted to me the truth or my kids have spent enough time at their houses to see how it really is.
I'm aware some people hit the jackpot and marry a healthy person the second time around but the divorce rate on 2nd marriages is 67%. I only point this out to make myself feel better because well I'm down today.
Wow--you're going through so much right now. I just wanted to let you know another random Internet person is sending well-wishes and hugs your way, and I mean that earnestly.
Originally Posted by Ginger
I am lonely for a healthy partner. I would way rather be alone than to just be with someone.
Originally Posted by kas99
They might seem happy on the outside but either they've admitted to me the truth or my kids have spent enough time at their houses to see how it really is.
Ginger, because the vast majority of time you're content and can be happy alone, I'm confident you can be so in a relationship. Even dating, I continue to discover the answers lie within. My partner has a neurodegenerative disease--so I guess my bar is more than "someone" and less than "healthy". [We click and are kindred spirits in our desire and ability for outdoor adventures, and she has many amazing traits.] You know how to set boundaries. I mean to say I bet you're capable of being enriched by the plusses of an imperfect human without being dragged so much by the minuses.
It feels like a mind F. Because it is a mind F. It’s like a rapist bringing flowers to your home. Those nice gestures would take a toll on anyone because they normalize and trivialize their bad behaviors. They make you think that she’s not a bad person for sleeping with a pregnant woman’s husband - because look - she brings donuts!
I know you do all this for your daughter ( you are an incredible mom) and there’s something to be said to be able to keep your enemies closer. I get that. Personally, I prefer minimal contact But I get where your coming from. I think my mindset when my ex mil or ex husband does something nice is more of a “good. They should be doing a lot more considering the crap they got away with but I saved this amount of money or got some extra babysitting etc. “. I do know you have to just stay polite in order to get more from them later on. But emotionally I view them as someone that owes me and that helps prevent the feeling of being mind f”d.
I think my mindset when my ex mil or ex husband does something nice is more of a “good. They should be doing a lot more considering the crap they got away with but I saved this amount of money or got some extra babysitting etc. “. I do know you have to just stay polite in order to get more from them later on. But emotionally I view them as someone that owes me and that helps prevent the feeling of being mind f”d.
this is interesting to me as the last conversation I had with my ex-mil was when she called me about a month after my dad's funeral with all sorts of excuses for her absence, and an apology for not acknowledging my birthday or Christmases with gifts since the split, and that she thinks of me all the time, and acknowledges how hard I work and that all the heavy lifting is on my shoulders. She concluded by asking about my new house and saying she wanted to buy me something REALLY nice (read: expensive) that would make my house that much more special to me. Don't worry about how big it is or anything ... she's happy to buy it.
I said, not necessary. She insisted and I said I'd think about it.
Well, I thought about it and concluded a few things:
* I'm not so easily bought * I don't need any reminders of her in my new home * I'm not inclined to let her write a check to allay her guilt. No. She can live with what she did that set this all in motion, just as she can live with how she treated me for 26 years.
Maybe that makes me an unforgiving B!tc&. If so, oh well.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Being an unforgiving b!tch is not a bad thing . But my ex screwed me financially. He was stealing 700 a week for years. So anything I get - is really for my young son and I view as the least they can do and will take full advantage if I could. I personally would take it - because it wouldn’t have the effect of bribing me - I would still hate them and remember. I view it as owed. I don’t view it as allaying their guilt. Not that either of them has done significantly a lot. Ex mil will buy him some clothes once a year - but I have no qualms accepting it. I almost view it more as a one up as opposed to a loss of pride. But I get your point too.
. But my ex screwed me financially. He was stealing 700 a week for years. So anything I get - is really for my young son and I view as the least they can do and will take full advantage if I could. I personally would take it - because it wouldn’t have the effect of bribing me - I would still hate them and remember. I view it as owed. I don’t view it as allaying their guilt. Not that either of them has done significantly a lot. Ex mil will buy him some clothes once a year - but I have no qualms accepting it. I almost view it more as a one up as opposed to a loss of pride. But I get your point too.